New Wife, New Mom, Personal Question

Why do you wake up just to feed him? Does he not have hands? Sounds like he may be controlling? Do what you want and not what you think is expected of you. This isn't 1950.

Maybe you guys could come to a compromise... You make dinner, and he makes his own breakfast so you can sleep in a little while longer. You do the housework, but he doesn't make it any harder for you (Meaning he puts dirty clothes in the hamper, dirty dishes in the sink, ect.).

I'm with you sistah! I know I'm not happy with myself so my role as wife/stay at home mom seems like such a heavy weight and just an abyss at times. So..that said, you aren't alone. I think we all feel like this. Run away thoughts and all.

Why do you wake up at 5 to feed your husband? He's a big boy, isn't he? Is he unable to get his own breakfast? Start there, dear. You are his wife, his partner. Read PARTNER. Not slave. Equal. You have a little baby and sleep is precious. Sleep in and let him take care of himself. A wife's job is not taking care of husband. It is being husband's PARTNER. You have a full time job being Mom, don't let anyone tell you that because "you don't work" that you are obligated to be the lesser partner.

Why are you waking up at 5 to feed him? That's a little weird to me. My husband gets up at 3:30am and leaves the house by 4:30. I do not get up with him. He makes himself a protein shake for breakfast, I make his lunch the night before and leave it in the fridge for him to pack up in his lunch bag and we don't eat right when my hubby gets home because dinner is easier for me to handle if he's around and can run interference with my almost 3yo and 8yo boys. My husband is happy with this schedule. There's nothing wrong with it. He understands that I have many demands on my time (I also homeschool my kids which means field trips and play groups etc..). He is understanding and flexible.

It sounds like you're trying to be too perfect. You will eventually have to let go of that, or you are going to drive yourself crazy. Some women indulge themselves with a bite of chocolate every day....sounds like you need to indulge yourself with a bite of imperfection every day! :) I love this saying "Fill your home with laughter and the dust will take care of itself".

Relax, loosen up, talk to your husband about how both of you can get all of the sleep you need and talk to him about preparing his lunch ahead of time and possibly his breakfast too if he doesn't feel like having a protein shake or something. I'm sure he'd be willing to meet your needs if you let him know how stressed you feel.

And BTW, taking care of our homes is something that NONE of us like doing! lol! But don't let the care your baby needs turn you off to nurturing your marriage too. A strong marriage is the ideal foundation to rasie children on.

I'm naturally one of those "caregiver" types of people. I spoil the eyes out of those around me. But let me tell ya, I am *also* not anyone's chef/prostitute/maid/slave. I do what makes me happy. If it doesn't make me happy, I'm NOT going to do it. Part of that includes that if my H is up before me, he can make his own durn breakfast. As a matter of fact, while I generally cook 4-5 meals a day, I don't always feel like cooking. So I don't. That's what canned soup and sammies are for. And guess what? My 8yo is capable of making his own sammies. So, therefore, is my H.

Also, you may want to remember 2 things:

- 1 person's 8 hour day, does NOT equal another person's 14 hour day.

- Tally up how much money you are saving your family by staying home. That's income honey. PURELY by being home with your child you are "bringing in" at *least* $1600 a month. Seriously. Tally through everything your husband would have to do if you got hit by a bus. SAHPs are contributing *big time* to their families. A lot of us suffer from suddenly being "dependant" financially on our husbands, and overcomponsate. Deep breath, and *value* what you do. If you did no housework whatsoever but watched your baby 40 hours a week (aka a nanny or CP) you'd be making 1600-2500 a month. So if you do *nothing* tomorrow but play with/raise/care for your baby, you've already worked a double shift. Everything else is extra.

Honestly, I think the single biggest flaw of the feminist movement (and I'm a feminist under the "Feminism: The radical belief that women are people.") isn't the superwomen complex most of us have... but rather that men have been taught not to revel, value, and respect those of us who work at home. It's an enormous job.

You should not be waking up to "feed" your husband at FIVE IN THE MORNING! I sincerely hope that this is not something that he expects of you. He is a big boy who can surely pour a bowl of cereal. Don't let him get away with assuming since he is working outside of the house and you are staying home that you are there to be his domestic servant. You have enough on your plate taking care of your baby. I would advise that you and he go out to dinner alone and have a long talk about expectations.

Hello, I am now a grandma, but I can still remember when my children were small. You have a baby and so you are very tired. This will pass. Just find a way to get some rest. Also, is there someone who could watch the baby once in a while so that you can have a break and/or go out with your husband. I know it is hard to keep up with everything. I got up and got my husband's breakfast and lunch for 43 years. Last March, he died suddenly and I would give anything to be up getting his breakfast and lunch for him now. He didn't expect it, so I didn't mind doing it.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I've been married for almost 7 years (so not that long in the grand scheme of things) and have 3 kids (age 5 1/2, 3 1/2 and 1 1/2). I've stayed home since I was pregnant with my first.

My mom always got up with my dad if he had to travel someplace... she packed his bag for him... made his coffee. I think that is sweet, but sorry - not happening in my home.

My husband usually gets up before me, and I expect him to get himself out the door to work at whatever time that is. I like to have an idea what time he's planning to leave, but only so I can plan my morning around him and not be in his way.

I put supper on the table between 5:30 and 6:00 every night. That's "dinner time" and if for some reason my husband is late, we (unfortunately) eat without him and he's on his own to warm up leftovers.

The kids schedules dictate my day, not my husbands is what I'm saying. I think you should have a heart to heart with him and make some realistic expectations for the two of you. Getting up at 5 and then caring for a baby all day would wear me out too. Make a list of things you would LIKE to do and try to figure out some time that you can do them. I usually leave on weekends for at least 3-4 hours on Sat. afternoon or Sun. just so I can be alone... sometimes I feel guilty about it thinking I should be spending the time with the family, but I need a break away from the kids!

Good luck, you should get some good answers from these moms.

jessica

You get up at 5 to "feed" your husband? I almost stopped reading right there! Honey my husband starts work at 5:00 AM and he gets his own coffee, toast, whatever AND packs his own lunch.
Also, if dinner is an issue--get a CROCK POT. It's a good feeling to have dinner "done" at 9:00 a.m.
If you're good at organizing your day, then schedule your cleaning and laundry and cooking and you'll be able to have plenty of time for fun with your baby.
You don't have to morph into Donna Reed, but you can still be "on top of the game" in your own way.

Why on earth are you waking up at 5 to feed your husband? By all means have dinner for all of you but waking up just to make his breakfast.....NO!! I am pretty sure he can make his own , my husband is up at 5 for work and he get's his own breakfast , I don't even here him up and about! No wonder you are so bored with being a wife , your not being a wife your being a hired help.

well yes that happens.

BUT... your Husband is ALSO a PART of the household and family and HE is a "Spouse" too... which means, HE has to help out too... with EVERYTHING/baby/you/household/chores, etc.

You need to talk to him.
AND you need time for yourself too... just YOUR time.
That is only human.

You are not his "Mommy"... he is a grown man... an adult, a Spouse, a Husband, and Dad... so that means, he is NOT EXEMPT from HIS "duties" either.

This is an ongoing 'problem' with any Mom/Wife... and the Husband, has to be a PART of the ENTIRE family too and 'his' household.
Just because you are a SAHM.. .does not mean, he is then exempt from daily life nor its responsibilities....
A Man and Husband and Dad... is a PART of the home and family too. THUS... HE IS ALSO responsible for duties too....

You sound burnt out... which all Moms feel like... you are not alone.
BUT your Husband has to help... too.
AND... you need to voice that to him.... and BOTH be a PARTNER to each other.

I am a SAHM.... I do everything.. and that is 24/7, day and night. I get no holidays or vacations. BUT... I tell my Husband... and he has to be a Dad too, and a Spouse and a PART of OUR home.
Sure he works and is busy... but he is not exempt, from responsibilities... nor from children duties. THAT is HIS ROLE, too.
THAT is what a "family" is.
It is not about the woman/Wife being a "slave" and all burnt out and unhealthy because of it.... a MAN/Husband, is responsible for taking CARE of his Wife, too. That is what a HUSBAND is.

For you: CARVE out time for yourself, have Hubby babysit. Just this past Labor Day long weekend... I told my Husband "This is MY long weekend off, too...." and that "I am making my own designated holiday. I am not going to clean house or rush around. I am doing nothing... I NEED Time off..." and I did so. By telling my Husband this, he then knew... I was at my wits end... and that I NEEDED a break. So therefore, he did not "expect" me to do anything all weekend, because I told him I am declaring MY OWN weekend off and this is MY long weekend too.... not only for people who work in an office. I also told my kids, I will not be cleaning and Daddy will be taking them out. Which he did.
So, I CREATED MY OWN long-weekend 'holiday' off, for me.
I was glad.
It felt good.
That is what "I" needed, for my own sanity... and to de-stress.... from the RUSH rush rush rush rush rush rush rush rush of all the daily things I do.

NO woman, is a perfect little house-wife.
No need to try and be "Super-Woman".... and HOPEFULLY, your Husband is liberal enough... to understand you.... and your needs to and gives you a break... and PARTICIPATES in the household too and with your child.

*For me, I don't get up to make breakfast for my Hubby... I just make coffee. He feeds himself. I just make breakfast for my 2 kids.
Or, my Hubby gets breakfast for himself, in the city, once he gets to work. It works out for us. My Husband does NOT 'expect' me to wake up and make breakfast for him.
It just is. And he won't dare, ask me to cook breakfast so early in the morning... FOR him.
BUT, I always have dinner made, by the time he gets home from work.

all the best,
Susan

Have you considered talking to your Dr. about possibly getting some help for depression or anxiety. Whether it is related to having your baby or just the loneliness and resentment of doing that hard job of new mother and wife, it sounds like you are quite depressed.
Getting medication or something could help with your ability to cope with this new way of life.
I also agree that you do not need to be making him breakfast. Maybe if you are up with baby every once and while you could do it but everyday is too much.
Maybe find a way to meet other moms to get out of the house? A mommy and me class, a public playcenter at your local mall or something, even taking a class at your community college 3 hours a week.
Hope you find a way to feel better so you can enjoy these precious times with your little one.

I think it is a phase that you will get out of. I have been a mom for one year and a wife for almost two years so I am new at these two roles as well. It did take alot of adjustments in the beginning.

Luckily my husband does not expect me to keep the house super tidy and does not expect me to make him breakfast or have dinner ready for him at the end of the day. I was the one that felt bad I didn't cook enough for him though he said as long as I am taking care of our son full time, that's enough.

However I am a bit OCD and don't like mess so I clean even though I could just pass it and relax instead but I just can't do it.

I agree with Robyn saying that you and your husband are partners so you guys should help each other out. Just because you are a stay at home mom doesn't mean you have to do everything. When you think about it, you work 24/7 because you are a stay at home mom. That's how I feel at least.

Maybe it will be a good idea to talk about it with your husband? I sure did as well as vented to my husband on days when I just want to run away and never come back.

Hang in there, it will get easier.

You are not your husband's servant. Have him get his own breakfast. You can make sure that there is food in the house, and help out by making his coffee (set an automatic coffee maker for 5 am), but have him toast his own bread, or get his own cereal. He needs to do his part in taking care of himself. Seriously, that is BS, I have never heard of such a ridiculous expectation like that! Tell him you can't get breakfast anymore! Tell him you are too tired from not sleeping well at night from the baby. Hire someone to come once a week to help out with laundry and cleaning. And if your husband disagrees, then tell your husband that you need to see a therapist, because this isn't working out for you. YOUR NEEDS ARE NOT BEING MET and you feel very unhappy with the way he is treating you.

I try to get my hubby something to eat & coffee in the morning, but he certainly does not expect anything major like eggs or pancakes. It is more like cereal bars and a banana and coffee which I set up to brew automatically about 30 min after he wakes. Can't he do something like that, or cereal, instant oatmeal, yogurt with granola, etc.? They are set out on the counter the night before so he can just dine and dash.

I think younger being very h*** o* yourself to conclude that you are "not wife material.". Maybe you need to be less organized in your day, as it can be stressing to be too regimented. Make meals in bulk and freeze for later use. Designate 2 days a week as veggie chopping days to ease dinner prep time thru out the week. Order out on days when you are feeling too overwhelmed or resentful about having to provide food.

I am sure getting up at 5 am every day is no picnic for your hubby either, but everyone's life is filled with obligations that we'd, at times, rather not have.

Can you do something new together, or for yourself? Take the baby to have some portaits done and just buy a few so you don't break the bank, or go to a new park and just sit outside and get some sun, strike up a convo with some other new mommies.

Do something different with hubby, Have him pick up a movie and stay in if you don't already watch tv together, or take the baby with you to a ball game, Find some fall activites to do or a new hiking trail or something.

ask him to give the baby a bath or something while you sit on the patio with a book or while you go out window shopping for an hour. Paint your toenails. Pamper yourself with just a little thing that is fun for you.

You just sort of sound in a rut to me. shake it up a little.

1st thing you are doing wrong is waking up at 5 to feed him breakfast. This is not required by any means, lol. He can grab a bagel or muffin as well as you can :) He may think he likes you making him breakfast, but he would much rather a rested wife. None of us like to keep a clean house, and most of us let it slide from time to time, because we just get sick of it. It's not a sign of being a bad wife, it's a sign of getting tired of picking up after people all the time. Stop rushing, trust me the laundry will still be there tomorrow. Take time out of every day to do something fun that you enjoy. Cook a few meals at a time so you have things ready for the next few days, use paper plates once a week for a dish break. Pick one day a week to let it all go (except of course the mommy part :) order out for dinner, let the house go to hell, you will feel better and see that house doesn't fall in. You are doing great! Being a mom comes 1st and the rest comes with time.

Hi Krys,

I haven’t read any of the responses, so forgive me if I’m repeating anything the other moms say (and for this long post!). I guess I just really wanted to let you know you are not alone, and I, too, am on the same boat. I am not housewife/stay-at-home-mom material. I don’t enjoy doing chores or being “on” as a mom 24/7 to my now 2-year-old son. I’ve been married for 5 years to my long-time boyfriend (we were together for 8 years before getting married) but even until now, it’s hard for me to grasp the idea of having to wait on my husband hand and foot, and thankfully, I don’t have to because we’re on the same page as far as expectations of each other as husband/wife and as parents are concerned.

I became depressed, because I felt like I was not accomplishing anything, having worked for 10 years before I quit to take care of my kid. I guess it’s because I realized this job is very thankless, and the rewards are not tangible, the way I was used to have them – we don’t get promotions, raises, accolades or pats on the back for being efficient with our time, ie: getting laundry done while cleaning our kid’s mess in the dining room, or for staying up all night to put baby back to sleep.

Let me share with you my blog, maybe it will help you see that what you’re feeling is very human, very normal.

http://newmomstories.blogspot.com/search/label/SAHM

What helped me stay sane over the past 2 years: I started a couple small businesses where I was able to do what I loved doing when I was working (copywriting and designing), wrote on my blog and volunteered for two non-profit organizations. Also very important: a support system I had to slowly build around me - a small group of like-minded friends, because our entire families and long-time friends are a Pacific ocean away.

I suggest getting involved in something that allows you to fill another role – maybe volunteer somewhere or get into a hobby for even an hour a day. And talk to your girlfriends – that’s what they’re there for. There is more to being a woman than being a wife or a mom, even if those are the most challenging and complicated roles we could ever take.

Hang in there, momma. You’ll be ok. :)

I third the idea that you shouldn't have to wake up early to feed the hubby, but honestly, that sound like the smallest part of your frustration. So you are a new mom and wife/partner. If you want my opinion, you're kinda going through an identity crisis. I remember being there myself. Because I didn't feel like a Martha Stewart mom and wifey, I wanted to still be young and free and all of a suddenly I felt really cornered and well...demanded of.
You have gone from caring about Numero Uno to putting yourself last in a lot of ways. and it's really easy to feel like "the baby needs me, he/she's helpless, but the hub, is anything but helpless--let him take care of himself." So you need to feel like a part of something that actually benefits you. Have you tried communicating this with your man? You in an accusatory tone of "Why can't you help more?!?!" probably won't have a helpful response. I'm guessing. Maybe sitting down with him and saying "I'm trying my best but I need a little give." Would make a difference. I don't know.
It seems like so many young people want to bail when it gets tough, but flying solo, I've heard, is even harder than trying to work out a difficult situation. So yes you are not alone on this. You're doing fine. Take one day at a time and try to see the good more than you do the bad.
Good luck. I'm rooting for you.

I have been there and done that!
i had my son very soon after i had gotten married. And i quickly found that being a mother is something that comes naturally and is almost easy to do (emphasis on almost!!), but being a wife is something that is hard, but doable. it is also very rewarding physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I had gotten married to a man that though a wife should cook three hot meals a day and clean every second that she isnt cooking. I said HECK NO, to that and very quickly changed his perspective on women. of course he still wishes i would do those things, but he knows now that i would die from the stress of it if i even tried.
One thing that really helped our marriage is when i express my concerns to my husband, communication, using calm sweet voice and telling him how this sort of thing makes me feel. it gives us a really strong bond. hes the only one who knows exactly how i feel during certain situations, he even sees it before i do, sometimes!

also, you will find out that there has been a housewife from every era since the dawn of time who has found SHORTCUTS! there are shortcuts for everything from cleaning to cooking to sewing and everything in between!

if the baby clothes are stressing you out and you dont feel like folding them, DONT! just toss them in a cute basket and hide them in the closet!

if you dont know how to cook, watch the food network! its a free all day long cooking class! (well, unless you pay a lot for cable and never watch it)
i learned a lot of good techniques from watching the food network.
if you dont like cooking that much and want some good eats, i think trader joes is the best place for that! its inexpensive, healthy and delicious.

as you and your hubby and your child mature and grow together you will be able to easier meet their needs. this is just a phase, or at least it was for us.
this doesnt mean that you love any one of them more, its just that you chose the right path of nurturing your child before any other physical duties.
for now, there will be a time when baby doesnt need mommy as much and this gets more and more frequent, don't rush baby, and dont hold baby back.
embrace life, love your husband and child, be patient with ignorance, its all we can do!

I think regardless of your situation, working, stay at home, etc, everyone gets burned out with their routines. You need to talk to your husband and see what his expectations are of you and voice your expectations of him as well. Maybe he doesn't expect breakfast every morning, or the house to be impeccable all the time. Figure out what can work for both of you-compromise is key to any and all relationships.

Totally normal and understandable!

The hardest thing for me to get used to about being a full time mom and wife was the repetetiveness. It was like, GEEZ, I just DID dishes! What do you mean, I have to do them again? I was used to a job where when things were done, they stayed done. At home they needed done again and again and again, and it was exhausting. I never felt as if I accomplished anything.

Just remember, even if you were to live completely alone, all those cooking, cleaning, washing, sorting, baking, organizing chores will STILL need done, every day - and they'll never be fun or truly on your schedule.

I think what's probably happening is that you feel that 100% of your time is spent caring for someone else, and you resent it. Your mama brain doesn't want to resent the baby, so it starts resenting your husband.

Figure out what works for EVERYONE involved. If it's just too much to cook breakfast at 5 every day, I'm sure your husband can handle making cereal or grabbing a muffin or bagel so you can sleep longer. (Sleep is magic - never skimp on it unless absolutely necessary.) Make sure you get to do something that you really love, whether it's visiting friends, getting out of the house, reading or watching a favorite show, every day. Housekeeping is important, but so is being happy. When you're happy, your family will be better cared for.

Hang in there! It's all a lot of work and frustration, but SO worth it. :)

WOW! 42 answers and counting. Obviously many new wives and moms (as well as old wives and gr-moms) have experienced similar feelings. YOUR ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

I used to ponder the many roles I had to quickly learned to play. No worries. Nobody can do them all at once. Luckily I married a man with a good sense of humor (albiet selfish and self-absorbed -- aren't they all?). While I have a different kind of basic humor (sarcastic, which is not particularly helpful in the home situation) I developed humor more along the lines of "ut oh, who's got the ego this morning" or, while dropping to the floor and looking under the couch or bed, "OMG, I've lost it!" (truly). "What Mom/Honey?" "My sense of humor!, HELP me find it" would usually do the trick -- not only to get whoever was bumming me out to ease up but to make myself laugh and break my tension...

Of course, this act got old and I had to develop other methods for my people but actually, it never failed to amuse me -- even on the gridlocked freeway when I have to get the gr-girl to her drama class....

Remember, we all started out as a single, needy person. Life is definitely a CHALLENGE. Some of us grew up and some of us need more help to 'grow-up'. Try not to hold in resentment as it festers. Try to find a way to help your mate know you can't do 'it' (relationship) all by yourself. Try to listen to his complaints (they don't like change) without taking it personally (have a few jokes handy). If you find out you really don't like him or care about him you can take the appropriate steps but think about all the arranged marriages of the past and how beautifully women adapted making their situation happy while appreciating the security their 'man' provided for wife and children.

I'm working on 52 years with the same mate. Every year I decide I've had enough and check with the divorce lawyer (easier now online). He's become very enviornment bound and hates change. While I often suggest something to do outside our box he usually thwarts the attempt. I regular search for my sense of humor... who else could I catch at this age???? e-Harmony doesn't look to promising!

s

I had a really hard time with that transition and I had a housekeeper! Housekeeper is no more, but I have found balance over the years and I am happier in my role as a wife/ mom and now also creative business owner than I was in the beginning.

I was raised with career in mind. No one told me that I would want to be home with my baby. I did, but I didn't know what to do with her or myself. I put too much pressure on each of us.

I've learned that things change, we change, the time goes by SO fast that before you know it, she'll be gone and these trials will seem like they went by too fast. Crazy, I know.

Are you doing things for yourself that are not about serving your family? I'm an artist and I started a business that has done well, but has also come at a cost to the time I spend cooking and cleaning (yea for me!) and has caused conflict within me about the time I spend away from my family at times. But I needed that. I went back to school for a while and that balanced me out. I had to be doing more than taking care of my family. Maybe "more" is the worng word, because that kind of selflessness feels like I'd be doing "more" but I'm not. I needed to do other things and find balance.

I started running, too. It meant getting even less sleep, but I had a great figure and I was actually running away from them for an hour a day. When I came home, I was ready for anything because I'd had some really challenging "me" time first.

Talk to your husband about this. You need his support. Tell him how you feel IN VERY DIPLOMATIC TERMS. Be careful how you word this so he does't feel lik you resent him, but still be honest. Tell him you need balance and work out a way together to find it. If you don't, you'll get in a rut that you regret as time goes by.

Good luck to you. Things do get better, but you have to figure out how to make that happen.

I felt like that before and feel that not all of us can carry that job well. I am amazed at how soo many women can keep it up because it is a job that feels like it never ends. It is a very rewarding job as well but it is hard. Talk to your hubby about it because you don't want it becoming a problem later.

Being a wife does not equal being a cook, butler, or maid. Marriage is a partnership and you should find a balance that works for the two of you. I don't know how old your baby is, but mine is 2 months right now, and just taking care of him is a full-time job for me (I can't ever put him down, not even when he's napping). Just because you're at home all day doesn't mean you don't have a very demanding job. Think how much you would pay someone to be a live-in nanny, now realize you're doing that yourself for free! Cooking and cleaning are household things that both of you can contribute to.

I agree with the others here; talk to your husband about this. It may take several discussions over several weeks, so be patient, but be firm. Don't let him pull that "but I'm no good at cleaning" nonsense, it's not like it's hard. Offer to teach him. Teach him to cook! If he really insists that you need to be taking care of all of this all the time, then (and sorry, this sounds really harsh) maybe the problem isn't that you're not wife material, it might be that he's not husband material. Don't sell yourself short.

The role of "wife" is whatever you make of it, and it doesn't (and in my opinion shouldn't) entail being a servant. Your husband will benefit more from a vibrant, happy wife than a cleaning service.

/end feminist rant

You need more sleep! A stay at home mom and a housewife are NOT the same thing! You have a baby and a husband. You are "home" for the baby. You live at home with your husband. If you have to get up at 5 it should be because the baby is hungry, not your husband. He is perfectly capable of getting up and getting fed and out the door on his own. Tell him you will be sleeping until the baby gets up and that you have made sure the house is stocked with coffee, oatmeal, bananas, bacon - whatever it is he likes to eat. Then tell him he can come in and give you a warm kiss on the cheek to say goodbye every morning while you get the sleep you need. Once you have the sleep you desperately need, everything else will fall into place more easily, as it is probably the sleep deprivation that is causing the most trouble for you. Get that under control and work on the rest of the issues a little at a time with your hubby until you find a routine that works for BOTH of you (believe me, he will live if dinner is not ready when he gets home). Also, it sounds like you are in a rut. Make plans to do something together so that you don't lose sight of each other, and so you can keep emotionally, physically, and intellectually connected.

Just because you don't work outside the home doesn't automatically mean that everything in the home is your responsibility. Taking care of a baby is a lot of work. You need to talk to your hubby and divide the responsibilities.
Why can't he get up and get himself breakfast? This is not 1950!
And you should do what you can to keep the house clean during the day, but he can help with things when he gets home, like dinner dishes or folding laundry, etc.
And maybe on really tough days, he could bring dinner home. And, if cooking is too exhausting, expand your menu to include easy casserole dishes or use the crock pot.
Good luck!

being a stay at home mom to a baby is hard, tiring, and time consuming work. in all honesty, it is much easier to actually go to work than be a stay at home mom. I was on maternity leave for 5 months when my son was born and i tried to do it all. Besides taking care of the baby, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dinner on the table when my husband got home and it was exhausting and I burned out. I remember one day when I didn't have dinner ready when my husband got home, the look on his face. To his credit, he didn't say anything, but the look definitely said "no dinner? what have you been doing all day?" It wasn't until my husband stayed at home with the baby one saturday for a few hours while I went out to run some errands that he realized exactly how much work and how tiring it was to take care of a baby and that i wasn't sitting at home eating bon bons and watching TV all day.
My advice is not to do it all, have your husband pitch in. Instead of cleaning all the time, focus on different things each day. One day vacuum, another day dust, maybe when your husband is home at night, both of you take 15 minutes to clean/straighen up a room. Your husband can pitch in by making his own breakfast and packing his lunch. If you make dinner, he can do the dishes. if you do laundry during the day, he can help fold it at night. Just because he works and you stay home, he still needs to pitch in. If he complains that he works so hard all day and is tired, you know what, so are you. Taking care of a baby is all day work. What you do is probably much more work than what he does and if he isn't willing to help, tell him you want to hire a housekeeper, maid, etc to help out.

Geez, I hopt these aren't HIS expectations! You really need to make some changes early on in the marriage/stay-at-home scene OR you will create a monster that takes you for granted. I don't mean to sound negative, but it just naturally happens. My sister is a victim of this lifestyle and 15 years later, she is doing the same thing and is miserable. She never said anything, because she didn't want to make her husband mad or go back to work because she wanted to be home w/their kids. Start changing things slowly....first, let him make his own breakfast...that should be an occasional treat, then just keep things tidy and clean ONE room per day to avoid feeling like Cinderella and then start asking for his help with little things (diaper/bath/getting mail/etc.) and if he has a problem with it...let the "talk" begin. Remember, make those changes NOW and life will get easier, if he's flexible! Good luck

Yes, most of us feel this way. I think this is when we realize that the baby is more important and the husband can take care of himself. Which isn't really fair to him either. It's our nature to take care of everyone and thing. But when the little ones come along we tend to take care of them and think the hubby is a big boy. I went back to work after 10 months because I needed something for me. Maybe finding something a couple days a week just to get you out of the house will help. The thing is if you don't take care of yourself no one else will. (and your the giver) A penny bank can only give you money if someone feels it up. If know one is feeling you with things you need then you will end up empty. Find another mom who can trade play days with you so that you can get out, take a class, go shop or come home and read a book or watch a movie. Give yourself time to miss the ones you love, then you will love them even more. play days can start as early as a month old. It's good for baby to understand that you leave and come back & they are ok. Hope this helps. J.

Like Julie L., I am floored by the responses you have gotten. Being a wife and mother is not the easiest thing in the world. If you want to stay married, it means taking care of your husband (being his girlfriend, lover), but not being his "mommy". If you do not take care of your husband, you will not be married for very long. Yes, it is an adjustment and what you're going through is normal, but you have a guy who's working and busting his butt for you to be able to be home with your kid, and that is worth more than anything in the world. Your baby will grow up so quickly that you will miss being with him/her. Once again, if you don't take care of your man, you will be alone.

I didn't read all the other responses but I think this is normal and more than likely sleep deprivation has a lot to do with it. You said you are a new mom. When my first child was born I adored him, but I couldn't wait to get back to work! I didn't want to leave him but I was exhausted and bored. Like you I tried to be the perfect wifey.........and i just was too tired! Plus I didn't like being a perfect wifey. I went back to work and it was a break for me, but once I got my routine and my sleep I was ready to stay home with my son. By now he was three........manageable, sleeping well and I could stay home AND have a life. When my second child was born I knew how to do things and was used to less sleep. All worked out fine. But in the beginning...........work sounded better than being home. AND for you that might be a solution. Not everybody is meant to be home all day. But these things will help:

Hire someone to clean you house. Even if it is only once a month. When you know someone will eventually do it, you can let a lot go. Let it go. Don't worry about a perfectly clean house.

Get out of the house everyday. Even if it is taking the baby to the mall in a stroller for a walk.

You don't have to cook every night. and you don't have to have a major meal every night. Egg salad, tuna salad, nachos.......all healthy and fine. When you do cook, double your recipes, freeze and have nights all you have to do is defrost. And don't cook alone! Wait for your husband to get home and let him help by giving him some items to take care of. It took me over twenty years of marriage to figure out I didn't have to have dinner on the table the second my husband got home. Now, he makes the salad every night. Just giving up that one thing has taken stress off of me.

Make friends. Get hobbies. Join a Womens Group and insist your husband is home to babysit for a night out every week.

Most everyone has felt like running away when things have gotten stressful. When things get that bad, hire a babysitter or recruit a friend and get some time away from the house.

I believe it will get better. It's an adjustment and figuring out what works for you. It may just take time to make a rhythm for you at home. You need to get your husband on the program too. Or it may mean going back to work and hiring someone or putting the baby in day care. Do what you need to do to be a good Mom. And please help Daddy know how to pitch in. You cannot do it alone.

I'm a young wife, and soon to be mother (only 1 month to go!) and I sometimes feel the same way. I try to think of things like this - marriage is a partnership, and there's no reason that wives need to tend to their husbands every day and keep things in tip top shape at all times. Instead, I ask my husband to help me cook dinner, we share dish duty, etc. and it seems to work out well. Try to talk about how you're feeling with your husband. But if you let everything else get to you, you'll become tired and after time it can get depressing. Instead of worrying about 'what's expected' just take some time out to focus on you! :)

You got a lot of answers so I don't know if I repeating. You'll get used to it. Plan fun things for the weekend so you'll have something to look forward too. It is tiring but rewarding too. I've been a stay at home for 18 years. I homeschool 4 of my children, have a baby and I teach ballet in my home two days a week. I make sure I have lots of fun with my family and it makes my days more enjoyable. Even if things are blah, I have something to look forward to at the end of the week. Good luck to you!

It sounds to me like you need to re-define wife! There is no way in HELL I'd get up at 5 am to feed my husband! He is an ADULT! He can most certainly feed himself. As for the household chores weren't you doing some of that before you started staying home anyway? I mean that kind of stuff would need to be done whether you worked or stayed home. I would get some kind of division going with your hubby for him to do some of the things that maybe you hate (my hubby does most of the dishes and all of the trash) and if you really ate it that much I would consider getting a part time job just so you can justify the expense of hiring a cleaning person. It also sounds like you need a little more "me" time. Do you get out? Do you have girlfriends? To me, after working for so many years, staying at home feels like a vacation! I don't let the house getting a little messy throw me for a loop. My husband knows that my priority is spending quality time with our kids and we usually clean up together after the kids go down.
Just some ideas. Good luck!

I think you are normal, the key to understanding your feelings is like you said "you are a new mom and a wife". It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed and smitten by your baby. The baby is the priority for you now an your main focus. However, the baby will grow and will need you less and less (I, know it is hard to believe!). I have an almost 13 y/o now and a little 3 y/o guy and the age difference gives me such a perspective! I see where my little guy is going (by looking at the big guy) and celebrate his innocence every day and I remember how my older boy used to be (the little guy reminds me every day) and forgiving him more easily his teenage behavior. What I am trying to get at is that you need your husband more than you think you do, you will need him more and more after your child grows up, you need him a s father figure, as a disciplinarian, as a role model for your son, protector for you (believe me, the day will come and your sweet boy will behave disrespectfully towards you on some ocasions!), you will need him as a companion when your son says he is going to spend Saturday with his friend or later his girlfriend, you will need him to retire and travel together, have memories together, have someone who lived with you and understands you without explanations. This is life and its stages. You are just at the bottom step looking up, you cannot see the whole staircase but it is long and you are lucky to have a partner to share the journey with you. You cannot run away, this your life, make the best of it. Even if your marrige will fall apart (and that must be prevented at all cost) you still will be connected for the rest of your lives by your son...I think it is better to have a good connection than a bad one....Take care of your hubby, men are different, they are wired differently, women are more flexible, we bend and not brake. The hubby and his needs are just taking a back stage for a while. My advise to you - do not let it show, do not let him know that, he doesn't have to know about every internal conflict you are having (and being a creatures with many hormones - we tend to have a lot, right?). Hubby needs to know that you have his back so he can go out there and provide for you and your son. If you have to prioritise, there are two things important to man - sex and food. You can skip cleaning the house and ironing the curtains :) It is sweet that you make breakfast for him. I actualy get up for my older son at 6:00 to make his lunch/breakfast and to see him off, then I wake up a little guy at 7:15(it takes us 1,5 to get ready, he is not the morning person), whe my H eats breakfast, I chat with him (it is very important to him to connect and make plans before heading out) and only after everyone is gone - I have my breakfast (I'd rather wait, I do not like to eat in a rush but by that time I am very hungry). Your routine will change many times as your child grows, but ask yourself, if you had to get up for your son not for H, would you do that? Find out what is important for your H and focus on that and skip the rest, that is how you adapt. Little touch can take you a long way.
Take care of your hubby, when you look back you two will be proud that you made it together through a lot.
Good luck, hope you had patience to read my long responce. :)

Oh my, yes, I feel exactly the way you do. I've been married for 5 years, and just had our son in July. I agree it is WAY too tiring. My husband acts like he is helpless, though, and I hate always having housework to do because he never helps (going to work is his ONLY job, lol, nothing else apparently). But, from my my sister and sister-in-law tell me, once baby sleeps better and we figure out a good routine for everyone, it will get so much better. hang in there! i know i'm trying too :)

yes! I felt the same way when my twins were born! You need to talk to your husband because I can be sure he doesn't realize. Your life has changed b/c now you've added a baby to your daily routine. I will assume you were cleaning and getting dinner before the baby? Well chances are your husband doesn't realize you are becoming stressed out. This is TOTALLY normal. Tell him how you feel and suggest that he bring dinner home 3 days a week to assist you. I would also talk to your primary care doctor and maybe he can perscribe you an anti-depressant for a while. I know that's what I had to do! Keep your chin up and if things get worse, know that it's NOT you personally, you've taken on lots of changes!

Your husband can make himself coffee and cereal. You can also take turns cooking dinner or even cook it together. My husband will pick out a couple meals to make during the week or he will grill the meat or make the salad or whatever. Just keep it easy...pick up an already roasted chicken when you are tired or some pizza. You need to eat dinner too so don't think of it as feeding him at dinnertime...you are both feeding yourselves. It takes a while to get into the swing of living with another person after being independent. 2 years is not that long. Hang in there and communicate with each other!

I hope this isn't rude, believe me it's not supposed to be, but I am pretty sure that your husband will figure out how to make breakfast, buy breakfast or starve..haha and then you can sleep a little longer until the baby wakes. Plan meals ahead, some people make a few meals on the weekend when hubbies home and freeze them, then you just have to put it in the oven!
If you are a new mom, REMEMBER to nap when baby naps. You need sleep to be able to cope with everything you do.

Have you considered going back to work? Staying at home is great for some and not so great for others! I've found a new lease on life by going back to work. When you do, you need to share in the cooking and housekeeping and baby care 50-50, so often it's helpful if that's just not your thing! There are always sacrifices in life -either you stay at home to stay with your child more and do most or all of the housework and cooking, or you go back to work and give up some time with your child for a more equitable share in all of the "chores." Oh -and my husband is own his own in the mornings! It's the same when I was a SAHM and now that I'm working outside the home. He's grown -he can take care of himself!

9 months after my daughter was born and i STILL feel this way. ive been told its normal.

How about you have your husband help with some of your chores marrage is a partnership i have been married for 61 years we raised 4 children when he went to school i worked when my children were little he helped with whatever i needed we now have 7grandchildren i am 87 he is 90 A. no hills

Hi Krys, I am almost floored by your post and the responses from other wife's. I can't believe the selfishness. Being a wife and mother is not easy, but anything worth doing or having is not easy. I have had some bad days, but i never in the 29 years of marriage and 27 years of being a mother have felt like this. my 3 grown children are 3 of my best friends, my husband does just as much for me as i do for him, heck maybe more, that's what marriage is. becoming a wife does not mean becoming your husbands maid, it;s comprimise on both sides so both husband and wife feel complete. The children are the responsibility of both parents not just the wife. i have always been a SAHM and have no regrets, I have ran a Home Daycare for the last 13 years, and you are tired, On top of taking care of a full time family and home, i also house military children while their parents are deployed, I am up between 4 and 5 AM and i am never in bed before 10 PM, but you will not hear me complain. I think you younger mom's/wife's need to take a deeper look at life, family and marriage. Not judging just puzzled. J.

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Hi Krys, I am almost floored by your post and the responses from other wife's. I can't believe the selfishness. Being a wife and mother is not easy, but anything worth doing or having is not easy. I have had some bad days, but i never in the 29 years of marriage and 27 years of being a mother have felt like this. my 3 grown children are 3 of my best friends, my husband does just as much for me as i do for him, heck maybe more, that's what marriage is. becoming a wife does not mean becoming your husbands maid, it;s comprimise on both sides so both husband and wife feel complete. The children are the responsibility of both parents not just the wife. i have always been a SAHM and have no regrets, I have ran a Home Daycare for the last 13 years, and you are tired, On top of taking care of a full time family and home, i also house military children while their parents are deployed, I am up between 4 and 5 AM and i am never in bed before 10 PM, but you will not hear me complain. I think you younger mom's/wife's need to take a deeper look at life, family and marriage. Not judging just puzzled. J.

Of course, but my question is who is taking care of you? It seems like your getting burnt out because your doing all the taking care of. Talk to your husband. Get some alone time with him, even if it's just a few hours. Do something fun and laugh.

I often feel the same. I do not get up and feed my husband in the morning, he is a grown man and can make his own breakfast, but I do get tired of the daily grind of cleaning and cooking. When I get like that I try to remind myself that my husband also gets tired of his daily grind of going to work every day, and we each have our jobs to do to keep the family running smoothly. If you feel depressed, a therapist can work wonders, I love my time with mine, even if it is just to vent a little :) It is a hard job being a stay at home mom, but think of all you would miss out on not being the one there with your child full time! In a couple more years when my boys are in school full time i will return to work, and there are times I just can not wait, but than my son comes in and hugs me, and I remember why I am a stay at home mom.

Have you thought about maybe taking a part time or full time job? Doing something that you enjoy doing, something for yourself?? Maybe talk to hubby and explain you are struggling with things right now. I think as wives/moms we go through phases were we love what we do and then other times the thought of it makes us cringe. We are required to give of ourselves 24/7/365...I am not complaining about it but sometimes we need a little break!! Hang in there! You aren't the only one!

Dear Krys K,
I feel you should talk it out to your husband. He should know what and how you feel, with time everything will be alright. Try and create some interest like singing dancing painting etc. This will change your boredom.

Take care Keep smiling.

P.

Please forgive me, i didn't read all of your responses.

I used to get up in the beginning...many years ago...and make sure my husband had breakfast. Not after we had kids! Now i just make sure there is something for hime to make. He love stouffers cream chopped beef so that one is easy. Other than that, i make sure there is bagels, eggs, oatmeal, waffles...plenty of options. I make sure the coffee maker is clean and so is his travel mug. That is the best he gets from me....lol!

As long as the house is pretty good and there is dinner, i think that is fine. There are so many easy recipes. I would love to share if you would like. If you are having a bad day, there is nothing wrong with breakfast for dinner or grilled cheese and soup :)

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. No one is perfect. I hate those "magazine" houses. Makes me question what those mom's are on....lol! Just try to do your best. I am sure that you are. SAHM is the hardest job i have ever had. I wish you the best. Feel free to email me :)

HI there,
My husband wakes up very early in the morning as well, and he would never expect me to wake up and feed him...especially if I had a baby to tend to. I get the fact that doing household chores sucks, but you do stay home, and it is technically your "job" (cause that's what it is). Maybe you can change things up a bit. I always turn the music up when I clean, and try to do things in different order. Or one day I'll dust and the next day I'll clean the bathrooms. I know it's hard, but that is the life you chose. I hope you get many more good suggestions to change up your life!! Your not alone!!!
Take care!

I am fortunate to have a financial situation that easily allows for a housekeeper to come and do all of the stuff I HATE!!! However, I remember when I was married for the first time and we were totally broke. My girlfriends would gush about saving for some wonderful purse or vacation while my piggy bank was reserved for paying someone to clean my house. I don't know why I hate it so much but I do. We are living in the UK for 6 weeks in a tiny apartment that I have to clean. My hub does the same thing. He works and at the end of the day he's done. I'm never off duty and I'm expected to do all of the housework durning the day because I'm 'just staying home'. WHAT!! Just staying at home wrestling choking hazards from my 3 year old who refuses to take a bath EVER and won't eat anything but cheese pizza! I did make a point to tell my husband that we share the apartment and that includes its mess! He didn't realize I was that frustrated with cleaning up after him, his grown son, and our 3 year old. Now he's much more helpful so I'm glad I did speak up. I've had many friends over the years who talk about the constant friction in their relationships over cooking and cleaning. Investing in a cleaning person or babysitter once a week so you can have some 'off duty' time is really a good investment and doesn't have to be really expensive. You don't need someone to come all day and pick up after your every move but you can have someone come once a week to scrub toilets or help with the laundry mountain. If you spend $50 every couple of weeks on a house keeper it's worth it if it removes some of the animosity you're feeling now. I sure wouldn't get up at 5:00am to cook for anybody who wouldn't get up at 5:00am to feed the baby!

How old is your baby? You may still be dealing with hormonal changes that are affecting your overall wellbeing.

Do you love your husband? Or do you no longer want to be in the relationship? If you love you husband, you may just need to discuss with him that you want to redefine your roles as husband and wife.

There are all different kinds of marriages these days. For example, I work full-time while my husband is a SAHD to our daughter. You can still be a wife and not be expected to wake up at 5am to feed your husband. He is a grown man. Have you communicated to him that you do not enjoy doing this and have you asked him to make/buy his own breakfast?

You have options. Take a deep breath and list the things you like to do. Get a part-time job, spend some time with friends, or get some physical activity. Take some time to take care of your own needs.

Good luck!