Need Overall Advice with General Discipline with My Two Children

Hi,

We have 2 children as well. The Firm voice turning into yelling more than we want and not agreeing on ways of discipline was also an issue for us. Kids are like psychotherapist too. Always making you aware of your own emotions. Its a wild ride. My husband and I recently found a couselor in anger management to help us. Something I have learned about anger from past counseling is that is moves. Notice when one person in the famiy gets angry it moves to another and another. All People have different ways of expressing it: sarcasm, yelling, hitting, escaping through various ways, passive aggression. What I encourage our family is exercise and being social. It helps when anger hits. Also, we were having an issue with my one child hitting and we got the idea of throwing toys away and they never get it back. It worked. I have only done it once and my son has really improved. I am learning to be firmer. Its not fun being a disciplinary when you just want to feel the happy feelings of how wonderful your children are. But we have to to make good people out of our children. Anger management helps couples. Also, Love and Logic classes are offered all over and you can go as a couple. Check it out on-line. If you don't have one in your area, you can get a book or cd.
Good luck,
G.

Hi P., first of all how old are your daughters? do they share a room or have seperate rooms. Siblings argue, that's normal, not sure about the hiting, unless the older one is provoking the younger one, yelling is not discipline, yelling comes from frustration. First of all even if the girls share a room especially if they share a room, make sure that they have their own space as well, find out what they are arguing about, if it's pety stuff let them work it out between then, if it's a more serrious issues, then have a family devotional on love and respect, we did that, our sons are now 24 and 21, and they were very close growing up, but like all brothers they would argue at times, as they got older they got into a couple scrapes with ecach other, and my husband sat them down and let them know, that brothers have each otherd backs, and work things out between each other. it worked. J.

Well they probably can't hurt, especially if you get recommended for a good one. It sounds like you have a typical family though!
Since you said you and hubby are OFTEN not on the same page, I think it might help with that. Then you two can decide exactly what your tactics will be (it's easier to take suggestions from a professional... we tend to dig in our heels with our spouses about whose methods are better!)

You have such great advice, I just wanted to add this. :)

As long as you are open to it, then yes they can be a great help. You could also read information on parenting too if you are concerned. Both are an excellent. Also good work for wanting help, it's a good thing. Most parents don't ask for help and yeah we all know how that ends up. But try and be the best parent you can be. When you see you are stressed, tell the kids YOU need a time out and take it. Put them in their room and tell them to play while you sit in a corner and read for maybe 30 mins so you can still supervise if needed. After awhile read outside the door, then on the couch or some where near by still. So you can supervise. And eventually you could take some time out alone. It will help its what we do. Also your parents were yellers and screamers I am sure, so you can just try and notice you doing it and try and limit it. Its harder when you come from yellers and screamers. I know from experience. I didnt even know I had a loud voice again tell someone else told me. :) Good luck dear.

Although I think of myself as a responsible, intelligent person. I to was yelling at my teenagers alot, the school recommended a parent class that I was reluctant about but as I attended, I realized that there are alot of strategies I can use that don't involve getting upset. I am a less stressed parent with a few easy techniques for teaching discipline to my kids short of hitting them. We are alot happier, my spouse doesn't always use the tools we learned but that's his stress and I don't have to carry it around. I think the biggest lesson was that if I want things to be different than I have to change myself.

Our church has been having parenting classes the past few weeks and this past Tuesday's was on Discipline. A couple of highlights were that we as parents, we need to be on the same page and that parents are always teaching and training our kids by our own example (i.e. if we complain about this and that we teach our kids to be complainers).

Discipline needs to be age appropriate - an example the speakers gave about sibling fights was that each parent spends one-on-one time with one of their daughters and think of ways to out-give the other sister (so what 3 things can you do for Hayley...or let's figure out how you can out-give Hayley). Their daughters are in the pre-teen years.

I have a 1-1/2 and expecting my second...I think parenting classes are great (but just make sure it's based on a sound foundation) Make sure the speaker practices what they teach.

Yes it does help. There is research and specialist that have worked very hard to understand developmental stages of children and communication skills and family dynamics. Family is a complicated challenge and no one should be expected to know how to deal with all the challenges with out some education and support. I hope you do get some professional help it can be priceless. I would also suggest the Dr. Sears book on discipline. I wish you good luck and sometimes seeking help can be nice because the old way you were doing things can feel like there is no solution and now you will have new perspectives and tools to experiment with. Remember one day your kids will be grown and you can share what ever tools work with them when they have the wonderful challenges with their own kids! Oh and be patient with your husband and try to get him on board with learning new things. Take care

I think that if you think there is a disagreement on how to discipline, then a class might offer "neutral" advice. It won't make either one feel defensive.

I took a parenting class 15 years ago through a family and child resourses group in Pennsylvania and I STILL use it. It gives you good ground rules to follow and simple formulas. One idea I can share is: Don't tell your child NOT to do something, because they will here the word to follow. Example: Don't hit him. What do they hear? Hit. Instead, say Be nice. What do they hear? Nice. See?

Anyway, I do think classes are helpful. Good luck!

I recommend two books:
Making Children Mind without Loosing yours Dr. Kevin Leman
and Have a new kid by Friday same author...
try these tips before you pay $ for a coach!

My husband and I attended a 10 week class "Parent Project" maybe you may have one in your area. One of the areas it covers is discipline. It was well worth the time.

I took parenting classes, and nearly all the class members ended the semester by saying, "Wow, what a difference." The ones who were already doing most of the suggested techniques didn't see a huge difference, but felt good having their choices reinforced and supported.

Also, husbands tend to need "expert" advice - he may be far more willing to concede a point if he heard the advice from a teacher or a book instead of hearing it just from you.

But, do you need classes to be an excellent parent? No! Just do what feels right for your family.

Hi P.,

Parenting classes absolutely help. Often, parenting styles are inherited and they may not be the best technique. Also, the classes can help you both be on the same page and understand why some common things don't work or have long-term negative effects. The class can also help you understand stages of development so your expectations aren't inappropriate.

V.

In addition to what Julie L. said.... depending on how old your children are... it's important to "teach" them how to "problem solve" and how to navigate through difficulties....fairly.

I tell my girl (since she is the oldest) "it doesn't matter who started it or who took who's toy first....the point is to just stop, and apologize to each other." It takes BOTH of you to HELP each other, or to fight with each other. My girl completely understands.

I also teach them "how can you stop arguing about it....problem solve...." My girl is taught this in Kindergarten as well... HOW to problem solve in anything. It is an invaluable skill and will serve them well all their lives.

Me and Hubby also emphasize "team-work" and that they are brother and sister.... they must care for each other... We are ALL family.

Sure, parenting classes are great... it can't hurt. Especially since you and your Partner are not on the same page about it. You must BOTH be consistent.... so as not to teach conflicting values to the children and cause confusion or worse, adversity, among each other, especially as they get older. You don't want children to "learn" to be "against" each other... and if this is role-modeled in the Parents... it won't help.

take care, and yes, it's not easy. All the best,
~Susan

My daughters also have the typical fights, etc. but one thing that is absolutely NOT tolerated in our house is hitting. They learned that very early on. They do not hit at all now, and when they tried to when they were little, they were punished with time outs, etc. If they were to do it now (they are ages 9 and 11) I would ground them, but they know better. They have never hit us - I think they tried when they were little and were punished. I hate it when I see kids hit their parents, now matter how small. That needs to be punished. I know a lot of parents don't agree with spanking, but a good spanking on the bare butt always stopped the bad behavior when they were younger (and that was only if they did something really bad). My husband and I are also not on the same page a lot, but we both agree on being consistent - you have to be with discipline. I'm sure classes would help too. For the most part my kids are very well behaved now because of good consistent discipline.

I think classes in anything and everything we want to improve on is helpful - especially the areas that are the MOST important - like our family relationships. Waaaay more important to get THAT right than math and English!

Parenting classes are a positive experience. You may also enjoy the benefit from reading Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud's book, Boundaries with Kids. Your children are fortunate to have a mom who is willing to explore and learn. It sets a good example.

Definitely, and it couldn't hurt but only help. Parents lose the battle when they yell and it teaches our children negative manners in which to behave. I'm sure you're fine, but we could all use some great tools to help us learn and grow. Blessings!

Hi P.
I am a single mom of a daughter. When she was younger, I did not have a partner to discuss how to discipline. So, I felt at a lost and always questioned my methods. I took parenting classes at my daughter's high school which was being taught by CPS (Child Protection Services) Social Workers. I believe the class was Disciplining a Rebellious Child. They gave info on how to discipline your child, legally and not get into trouble. There were so many suggestions to use and it was very effective, once I implemented them. I also took parenting classes at my Church, which were also informative, but more for the passive child. Both classes give me a wealth of knowledge to draw on. I think everyone should take a class, to get new ideas or to improve on their own. Of course, I would suggest to also pray and ask God to give you wisdom on how to raise your children, as well how to discipline them. What would work on one child, may not work on the other.

So, the answer to your question is YES! The more information we have as parents, the more we have to withdraw, when making a decision. This info acquired from a reputable person, definitely could not hurt.

The real test that it works--my daughter is a sophomore in college--and she thanked me for everything I made her do, when all the other parents of her friends-did not have standards nor boundaries. My daughter expressed her feelings in an essay to her college nominating me as Parent of the Year. To my amazement, we won--I am "Parent of the Year" at her college.
The title is nice, but I give God the Glory, but the real blessing is that my daughter realize that I was not so stupid after all-lol

You take care and I hope you find a good class, with a good teacher.

S. C