Need Help in Figuring Out What Works for My Daughter with Autism

Hi B. I hear you .Children with autism don't have appropriate perception of pain sometimes and pain can be a way to feel alive.Has Lilly done a lot of belly crawling?It is a very important activity to develop the part of the brain that registers pain.You can go to my website and call me .canelledemange.com love and light C.

You sound like a great mom and this sounds like a real challenge. If you're in the Salem area, I'd recommend talking with Easter Seals Children's Therapy Center. They have some great classes, kids social skills groups, etc. They can really help with strategies for this type of behavior. Best of luck to you! :)

WOW!! I have a now 10 year old that at about age 6 he started with a full on autism. I was doing research and found that vaccines can be a huge factor in causing autism. Now, keep in mind that medical doctor's won't agree to this.
In my story I was able to proof this to be true. Of course not to the medical world. I went to a holistic chirpractor and to a natural health food store. We found that several of the required shots for school was affecting his para-hypa-campus-gyrus (spelling?) part of his brain. This part of the brain controls emotion and memory. At the health store I bought some patches that you put on the bottom of their foot every night at bed. after just a few days there was an enormous improvement. We finished the treatments.
About 10 months later, our older son came down with the chicken pox. My husband our younger son and myself had never had them. We chose to all three be vaccinated. Mainly use two adults for health reasons but our younger because I wanted to see if I was just full of it. The medical feild thought I was nuts. Sure enough after about 24 hours he was showing very strong signs again. By the end of the week his teachers informed me that if I couldn't get him under controll by Monday DON'T bring him back. I just put the patches on his feet Fri, Sat, abd Sun night and he was back to normal again. Our house is under construction and I can't seem to find a thing, so I can't give you the name of them. I think if you google you could find them or just go to a natrual health food store. You may try speaking to them about the depression as well.

Good luck and hang in there!! Big Hugs, your not alone.

Lauri

I completely relate to your situation, as it is mine as well. I've been exactly where you are now!
My oldest daughter is in the spectrum and can be so sweet and kind. But also has incredible intensity and physical strength.
My youngest is one of the sweetest, most supportive people I've ever known. She deserves nothing but kindness from her older sister, however that rarely happens. (Their ages are 10 and 7).
I have been dealing with this from the beginning and it can be heart breaking. We have daily talks about why she feels the need to hurt her little sister. Jealousy? Can she honestly not control her own body?
Some days they support each other with words and actions and it gives me so much hope.
A pattern of our day is to remind each other that we are a loving, peaceful family and we need to treat each other softly. (Words and actions)
I had to be my youngests body guard until my oldest was able to really handle her own outburts.
Keep showing your daughter you love her. Show her that you love her little brother too. "Group hugs". Remind her that you are a family and you need to be kind and soft with one another. You'll find the right words.
I remember at that age the three of us doing activities like building blocks, coloring, helped a lot.
Let me know how it goes.

I also have twins who are also high-functioning autistic. Mine have rarely been outright mean where they intentionally hurt each other. But we still have our challenges.

You know with autisitc children they can't express themselves well and things overwhelm them. I'm wondering if that's what is happening with your daughter. She might be feeling some jealousy with the younger brother just because he's younger and needs more attention. I'm sure your not intentionally ignoring you daughter, but that's how she feels.

I've been in a wonderful parent-ed group for three years. Our teacher gave us great advice to do time-in's instead of time-outs. Basically it means we just take breaks. In this case, it means your daughter needs to take a break from her brother because she's going to hurt him. Instead of saying go in time out, tell her she needs a break or her brother needs a break. Have her go to her room to cool down and then you can talk to her about why what she did is wrong. I know it sounds strange, but it really does work. You can put a consequence with it as well by saying a toy needs a break or the tv needs a break. But the consequences work so much better when everyone is calm.

If you're ever interested in gettng some other parenting help and you're in the Auburn school district, you can come to this class. It's really wonderful. Email me and I'll give you the info. We have another meeting next week Monday.

L.

Hi B.,
I understand your frustration - I work with children with autism and know that it can be challenging but know that you are not alone. One thing that I have seen work well is to reward the positive behaviors - so for example if she goes a half an hour without an incident (can be whatever time allotment you choose depending on how frequently the behavior happens) then you can reward her with something that she enjoys. A reward could be a sticker on a chart or some other tangible thing. Then in time you can start spacing out the rewards and phase them out. On the flip side, if she does something that she knows is not okay (like hurting your son), take away something that she values and let her know that she can earn it back by being nice for the next 30 minutes (or whatever time you have decided). Most autistic children do really well when they are given clear expectations and having you consistently reinforcing the positive (as well as showing her what is not okay) might help her behavior with your son. It takes time but will be worth it if it helps bring more peace into your home. Hang in there - you sound like a very caring mother and I am sure you are doing a wonderful job.

Please do not feel alone. I have a 15 year old son with Aspergers syndrome. My son used to bite Amy, my younger daughter and me sometimes too. I use to put his nose in a corner and put a timer on him. (5 min x his age up to 25 min) It actually gave me time to think and not over react and I could watch him stick to the punishment. He hated it and I felt like the "meanest" mom in the world. I finally started to get him involved with caring for my younger daughter Amy. i.e. Help me diaper Amy, can you bring me the diaper and the powder. Help me feed Amy. Oh, Amy is crying lets see what she wants. Your older then Amy so you need to protect her and take care of her. I don't know if this will help with your daughter but Robin soon felt some "ownership" in raising Amy and stopped the behavior. They do pretty well as siblings now just the usaual teenage angst. Robin struggles daily living in this world where he sees things differently then other people but he has come a long way. You will get through this too. There are some great Autism play groups in every area -they are a great resource for help and sanity. I also read a great book lately "Look me in the eyes" It helps to read about successful Autistic Adults and get a glimpse of the world from there perspective. Autism kids are a frustration and a blessing and well worth having them in a loving family. P. in Portland

Hi B.,
My oldest has high functioning Autism, ADHD, Epilepsy, and more; I am also a special ed teacher. My son had the same profile at that age: he was great in public, but fell apart at home. One part of that is safety and the "mommy factor" (i.e. kids will act different for the mom just because she is the mom), part of it is also structure and part of it is the true INABILITY at this age with an ASD to understand the other person's feelings or perspectives. It is SO hard to deal with; I went through it too and it is rough, but there is support out there.
One thing that may help is structure; keeping to a daily schedule that is predictable, explaining the day's plans to her in the morning, talking about each transition, and using a picture schedule all can help with this.
She may NEED some scheduled, predictable, quiet play time with her baby brother in another room to "de-stress" after being out in big social settings lke school; that can be fun but also very overstimulating for some kids, so that they come home and just melt down because their whole sensory systems are on overload.
Observing her through the day, and trying to narrow down the "triggers" for her behavior, i.e. is it worse at certain times of the day, after certain events, etc., can also help. If you know and can change the trigger, you can change the behavior without the constant power struggle. Lots of kids have pretty big space boundaries; maybe your little guy is getting too close or too loud or something and she does not know how to handle it.
Another thing that may help is social stories; "Hands are Not For Hitting" is a good one. Having picture cues to remind her of what she should do with her brother, and teaching her what she SHOULD do when frustrated can also help; she may genuinely not get that she needs to call you, etc... e-mail me if you want and I can give you some ideas and materials. Social skills training is HUGE for kids with ASDs!!
Another idea: have you looked at her diet? This does have a BIG impact for some of our kids; kids with ASDs tend to have lots of food intolerances and allergies and this can have a BIG impact on behavior. Many kids do better with a GFCF diet (gluten and casien free); my son had AMAZING changes when we started to be GFCF.
This is HARD, HARD work; you are NOT alone, there are lots of us out there. If you want to e-mail me I can give you my number; you could also try one of the many parent support groups that exist, depending on where you live I may be able to give you contacts for those. I wish you well!!!
E.

Hello,
I think everyone gave you good advice on ASD. I worked w/ MH/DD & ASD children and adults for years. I too am getting through depression and have a 16 month old wonderful son who is a handful. It feels scary and helpless at times when I can't think of what to do quick enough. I have to remember to be as kind & forgiving to myself as much as I am to others. I quit depression medication when I found out I was pregnant and I'm choosing not to go back unless it's a last resort. Instead I have to create a routine for myself. Good food, exercise and figuring out my triggers. For example, my seratonin drops around my menstrual cycle and can lead to depression and or pain or getting sick. By being aware that I have to be there for my needs as well as my child/family, it helps me prepare better coping tools. Recently, positive thinking has helped tremendously and learning about the laws of attraction. Good luck with your children and yourself. I feel for you.

HI B.

I will preface this with the fact that I do not have an autisitc child, I have a down's syndrome child, so we are coming from different places. However, in the process of all of taking my daughter to all her various therapies, and preschool, and havinf friends with autistic children, I have found one common denominator, you can't go about this alone. It can be quite lonely feeling, and quite frustrating. Your daughter may be having communication issues as one person suggested, so it may be worth looking into private speech therapy, or special ed preschool through the school district. You may also be dealing with sensory issues, very common in autistic children, along with impulso control issues. I don't know where you live so I can't suggest any organizations, but if you call your pediatrician, they should have a list of organizations that can help, along with child psycologists that may specialize in autism. There really is a lot of help out there, it is just knowing where to go to get it. So, in short start with your pediatrician and the school district. Good Luck B., remember you are not alone, and there is help!

First off, I want to let you know that you are not alone. I have a 7 year old daughter with Asperger's Syndrome and a 5 year old son with an ASD. When they were younger, we had quite a few tussels between them. Typically, they were instigated by my daughter. One of the things that I learned with my daughter was that she is a very literal thinker and is very attentive to rules (for the most part). We sat down and had a discussion with her about hitting, kicking, pinching, etc. We included any action that might be taken that would be inappropriate. We explained to her that these were not nice things to do to someone and that she would not like to have these actions taken against her, so she should not do them to her brother. We also explained to her that it is okay to get mad when her brother does something she doesn't like but under no circumstances should she respond with one of these actions. I know that it may seem a bit much for a four year old, but if she is like my daughter, she will understand. The other thought is to question her and try to find out why she is acting aggressively toward her brother. She may be angry at him for some reason and that may be the underlying problem.

B. there are several websites that you can access that will help you to understand what is going on with your daughter and her autism...my name is C. and i work with people with disabilities and work with several people who have different levels of autism although the ones i work with are older in age they still have the same issue of being mean. It is not an intentional thing it is part of the autism and unfortunately can't be helped but can be curbed. I incourage you to go to the sites and look up her condition and it wil help. I go to them just so i have an understanding and can work with my clients better, i also do alot of volunteering for alaska special olympics and have several athletes who also have different levels of autism. To get to a site just put in autismspectrumdisorder and it will pop up several sites for you. Good luck and dont be to h*** o* yourself or her and you also might want to look for support for her in your community most places have agencys who will give you assistance with her. If you need anymore help please e-mail me at ____@____.com and i will help as much as i can.

C.

My 4 year old is ASD high functioning also but he gets along with with other children. HOWEVER, I'm not sure what he would do with a sibling. My suggestion is to get a referral from your primary for a counselor who 'specializes' in ASD and check with them. I'm thinking that she is perhaps jealous of the attention you give her brother -- my son is very "me" oriented with Mommy -- he wants to monopolize my attention whenever and where ever.

Of course, children do act differently outside the home -- if she knew that she had to live at church, chances are, after an adjustment period, she'd start acting out there as well.

As to the depression, it's perfectly understandable! What part of Portland do you reside in?

Take care, hang in there!
J.

Hi B.,

I know how hard it is with a high functioning spectrum disorder child. I have one too- he will be five on Monday. Happy to say, I don't even use the term anymore, because he is almost symptom free. Anyway, I know how headstrong children can exhaust, frustrate and c-h-a-l-l-e-n-g-e their mamas, so hang in there and pray a lot.

What I found works the best with my son when it comes to helping him to understand how his actions affect others is with stories. Books help, but sometimes I can't find the book that matches the exact scenario I am trying to help him with, so I make one up. Usually it is a story about a boy his age who is feeling the same frustrations that he is, and somewhere in the story I have the boy do exactly the same thing that my son is doing. In other words, if he was slamming the door on his sisters legs, for example, I would tell a story about how this little boy was so angry sometimes at his sister that one time he even tried to slam the door on her legs! And then I would say how that scared the baby, and then the mama said something like, "I understand you are mad sometimes. We all get mad. Next time you can hit this pillow instead." or something like that - and THEN, the clincher is that the next part of the story is the little boy being presented with the same challenge, and then he thinks out loud, ("I am so angry now! I want to hit her, but I won't. I am going to hit my pillow instead!" and then he runs into his room, hits the pillow, and then feels much better. Then the boy can talk to his mommy about how he feels." etc. So he gets to see the transition the boy goes through from doing the unacceptable behavior, and the story models for him how to do the acceptable behavior. I don't know if this makes sense in an email, but I thought I would give it a try. Call me if you want me to help you figure out a good story for your daughter in particular, if you think that it would help. I used to write a lot actually, and have been thinking that it's time I get back into it, so this would be a good exercise for me. I also am a good partner for coming up with other ideas too, (two brains are better than one) so feel free to email me.

Also, if your daughter is a really good visual learner, you could act out little scenes like this with a video camera and then have her watch it.

I just joined this mamasource, so I'm not sure how I'll now if you respond to this comment.
Good luck!
C.

Hey there, I know you have already gotten plenty of responses but I just wanted to say I too have heard great things about diet in autistic children. My aunt is a Speach Pathologist and works with a lot of autistic children in all varitaions. She really can see a difference when a child has been introduced to this new way of eating. I would definitely give it a try. Make sure you are consistent and give it a couple of weeks at least. Unlike modern medicine, we respond to natural remedies after repetition and time.
Good Luck!

A good friend of mine has a 5 year old Autistic son. She did a lot of research on this topic. She found that changing his diet helped dramatically. She cut out all dairy, wheat and simple sugars. After putting him on the wheat, casin and dairy free diet....he literally was a differant person. Within a week or so, he was able to have conversations, he seemed to show more signs of emothions and started using the toilet. Before, he refused to use the toilet and was still in pull ups at age 5. I also know that Jenny McCarthy has a book out on this topic. As I am sure that you know, her son is also on the spectum. You should check it out.

Best of luck to you!!!

I am currently on a waiting list for University of Washington autism center for our youngest. We are suspecting he has ASD, but we can't pinpoint. Out pediatrician recommended intervention. Intervention is what might help. Ask God to take away the depression and replace it with the joy of having the little girl who will grow up to be beutiful lady.
I hope things will work out for you soon.

B.,
I have 2 children of my own and while they are not on the ASD spectrum I have worked with children who are for the last 7 years. What state do you live in? And is she getting some help whether through school or additional therapies? I probably could have a lot of resources and help for you if you want more info email me ____@____.com and we can talk more. Good luck! Care

Have you tried implementing a VERY structured routine at home? I know it would be hard...especially with a younger child but it sounds like your daughter is having trouble when not at church and school because she is out of a set routine. I have worked with many children with ASD and have found that set routines and a schedule on the wall (with pictures) can really help a child with Autism in making sence of her world.

Good luck!!

Hi B.,
I used to work with ASD children. Have you tried behavior modification techniques? If she refuses time out, take her there. Each time she comes out or refuses return her. You will need assistance with this being that you have a younger child that has to be monitored. It could take hours of being returned before she complies.
It took 3 hrs with my daughter, I told her time out for hitting she said no- I gave her a couple of chances telling her if she did not walk on her own I would pick her up and take her- she refused so I picked her up and took her to the timeout area. She kicked and screamed and left the area- each time I picked her up and took her back. This went on for 3 hrs before she stopped the crying and throwing the fit and actually sat there for 5 min. Some will say this is harsh, but it worked for us- after that all I had to do is ask if she needed a time out- the few times that she has not stopped what she was doing after the time out question and she has gone to time out, we have had no repeat of the kicking and screaming and refusing to do it. The key is being there every time she hits or hurts someone do it.

I know absolutely nothing about Autism, so this may just be useless advice, but maybe try practicing nice touches. When you are rocking your son, have her come and help you pat his back nicely. When you are combing his hair, have her pet his head. All the while, say nice touches, or soft touches. It may even help to spend time practicing this with a pet (yours or a friend's). Be sure to do the nice touches on her too so she can feel how nice it feels. It would probably be a good idea to have brother practice nice touches on her too.

I have a 6 yr old daughter and a 1 1/2 year old son. We help my son practice nice touching with his sister, and it has cut down a lot on his agressive touching. We let my daughter rock him at night, and comb his hair, and stuff, and that has helped their relationship a lot. She treats him more like a baby than a peer, and would never hit him. It is really hard to teach such a young child though that even if a toddler hits her it is never okay to hit back. We try to remind her that he learns by copying her and if she hits back then that is what he will do next time. Sorry, off the point.