You Can't Tell Little Kids Why You're Getting Divorced, Right?

As badly as I would want to give details (because I am extremely honest with my kids when it's appropriate) this is not one of those times. Do not tell them the bad things their father has done to you. In their eyes, he is still daddy and that needs to stay the same.

I am 30 and hate when my mom gives me details of the problems her and my dad are having. I love both of my parents equally and if it ever comes to them splitting, then I'll support them - but I won't like it. And I don't want to know even as a grown woman what would cause that to happen.

Please don't tell them - no matter what the age. It's between you and him, not them. And for their sake, don't ever bad mouth him, as hard as that is.

Change the locks.
The kids don't need to know that Daddy is a poon hound. All they need to know is that Mommy and Daddy don't love each other anymore, but they still love the kiddos.

Please love your kids more than you hate him. No matter what the age-they don't need the details.

No, at your kids' age, you can't.

I just last year told my oldest the story of his cheating father, and my son was 23 when I told him. I suppose if my son had ever asked why his father and I split up, I would have told him earlier, but it never seemed to be relevant to anything, and my son never asked, so I didn't. My son didn't really like the news, and I think he's still dealing with it. He would have preferred to continue worshiping his bio father, than know that he was a cheater who couldn't be bothered to raise his kid. (The absentee parent is often easier to worship.)

It's really hard, because you sure as heck want to tell them about the cheating bast*rd, but you have to suck it up.

It's a tough one, I believe in the truth, but I'm not sure what's the earliest age you should tell them, if they ask. Probably sometime in their teens.

First, I am just so sorry. What a terrible ordeal. I was six when my parents divorced and bc my father was an abusive brutal man, so I knew the reasons bc I lived them, but my mother never said anything 'bad' about him. Like sometimes my Grandma would start to go off, understandibly, and my mom would cut her off. She never wanted my identity jacked up thinking I was worthless bc my father had such big problems. I thought that was so wise of her as I got older. So maybe right now just stick with the info you have given, 'Daddy loves you, but sometimes grown ups have to work things out living in different places' or whatever seems best. They always need to have the best view of their dad possible, for their sake. Even my dad, as screwed up as he is and everything, I can say today that at least he gave me life and I have a happy life. In your case they can actually know their dad and that means a lot. A very imperfect dad is better than no dad, believe me. Again, so sorry, wish you the best.

A.,
I haven't dealt with this personally. I just wanted to say that you're O. of the smartest moms I know, and I'm sure you'll do & say exactly the right things to your kids.
Trust your gut.
My opinion is you're right to leave the other woman's part in this out if it.
My parents had a long nasty divorce. The greatest gift my mom gave me? She never spoke badly about my dad--even when he really deserved it.
Good luck!!!

No reason to give the kids any details about why you are divorcing. They will figure it out themselves when they are older. By not telling them details or speaking ill of their father, you will be giving them the best present a child deserves in this situation.

Best wishes in this terrible journey

No details. Let the kids know they are loved by both of you and will always be no matter what.
If they press, tell them that over time people change. Their wants change, their views on things change (I'm trying to use words for an 8, 5, and 4 yr old). Tell the kids they will have friendships like this as well, your 8 yr old may have already experienced this.
Best of luck.

Good for you for making good plans and following thru. Of course you are hurt and angry. Don't try to hide your feelings from your kids. But do downplay it. Vent with adults.

Your children are all under the age of 7 or 8? They are way too young to have even a vague idea of the meaning of cheating. If they wil be in contact with your children your husband needs to tell them about her. It sounds, tho, that she lives far away. The only information they need is information, limited to age appropriate only, about things that directly affect them.

It's important to not only limit your talks to what directly affects them in a manner that they can comprehend. Not understand because afterall you don't understand much yourself. Be matter of fact. This is what is happening now. Be sure to not blame their father or bad mouth him in any way.

Know that they love him and trust him. They are a part of him. If you disparage him you are disparaging them. You want them to have a healthy relationship with their father. You and your attitude will affect that. When they are older they will figure it out on their own.

No, you should NOT explain the whys of your divorce. First your kids will not fully understand. It will confuse them. Secondly, IF they do somehow understand, you are pitting your children against their father. Not cool. You keep it simple. "Mommy and Daddy love you very much, but sometimes, grown ups can't stay married. We aren't happy together. So we are going to live in separate houses". No matter what happens we are always your mommy and daddy and we will always love you." There is no need to throw him under the bus. No need to upset your children more. No need to make him a villan in your children's eyes. You don't rise about it for HIM, you do it for your children. Whether he is home often or not, this is going to turn their world upside down for a while.

I didn't understand the full reason for my parents' divorce until I was 16, almost 17 (my parents split when I was 6). Before that BOTH of my parents were vague. Neither parent spoke ill of the other parent. Both parents admitted that wrong doing was done on both sides. And while, at the time, I found that frustrating, I am grateful they handled it that way. If I knew all the details earlier, I would have been upset, held a grudge, angry. Learning the details slowly when I was older made it seem water under the bridge. I could see both sides of the story. I was old enough to grasp the details.

Be the bigger person for your children.

i don't have advice A. J....just wanted to say i'm so sorry.
i've followed your advice many times in my parenting and really like you and i'm really sad and sorry for you and your kiddos. :(
you're such a strong woman and i'm sure that will carry you through now and your times ahead. ((((hugs A. J!!!))))

Just make sure they know it is NOT their fault. Sorry you have to go through this. Definitely don't let them know exactly what happened. As they get older, they'll figure out who was the bad guy and like you more for not making them aware of the problems.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Wow.

I wouldn't say much in the way of details at this point, but I wouldn't outright lie to the kids. They likely know more than you give them credit for. Kids are excellent observers.

Keep it age appropriate. And be as honest as you can without making their dad out to be a villain. They will draw their own conclusions about yours and your husband's character, so don't bother trying to assassinate his. You can he honest without being cruel.

Lastly, don't be mad at the other woman. He's probably lying to her too. HE is the homewrecker and liar and cheater, not her. I've been in the shoes of the "other woman," years ago, and I had no idea that the man I had fallen for was lying to me and cheating on his fiancee. At the time, it completely broke my heart. I wish I could have warned her about the man who cheated on her before she even said "I do."

I think the details may come out when they are older but for right now, you can say that you and their dad agreed to go your own ways and the particulars are adult matters. What matters to THEM is that both parents still love them and will be in their lives.

You don't need to make excuses for him, but neither do you need to bash him. They are still part of their dad and bashing him may be internalized by them as they are also bad. So hold the high ground til they are older and able to process the nuances of adult life.

That said, if they need help coping in general, even children as young as yours can benefit from counseling. I would also inform the teachers and guidance office at school or daycare that this is happening, so they can understand and be supportive of the children.

I haven't been in this situation, but just wanted to commend you for being such a great mom, and putting the best interests of your children ahead of your own. If everyone could take this attitude, so many kids would be better off. I always hear about kids whose divorced or separated parents bash the other one, and blame the other one for all of the problems. That's terrible for kids to have to think bad things about one or both parents, and it can have lifelong ramifications! Kudos to you for sparing them from something they don't need to know about until they're older!

I am a child of divorce and you cannot hide stuff from kids. They are way more aware than most adults give them credit for.

When our parents sat us down and said "we need to tell you something," I said, "you are getting a divorce." They were shocked and asked" How did you know?".. I said "because you do not love each other anymore." They both burst into tears.

I was so relieved, it had been terrible in our home for so long. Stressful and unhappy.

My sister was younger and was a bit confused, but my parents made it very clear, this was not because of me and my sister. They both told us they loved us and did not want us to be upset or worried, that they would both always love us.

That even though our father would be moving out of the house, we were still going to see him. That we could call him..

I was so relieved. We lived on pins and needles for so long, I wanted my father out of the house. My sister was ok and said she wanted my father to try to be nicer( hee, hee) and to behave.. But my father told her he had tried, but he was going to be a better daddy if he was not living on the house.

Yes, my father had affairs, he even immediately started dating. Each time he picked us up, he had a new "girlfriend"..

Eventually we did go to family counseling.. It was a tremendous help.
The Therapist was excellent about telling our dad that our time was limited with him, so no new girl friends needed to be around for a while.. We needed to develop a new relationship with him as a dad in his own home.

When he decided to remarry, we went to therapy with our future Stepmother.. That relationship started off on the wrong foot..

I am going to guess, your husband will need to go to family counseling with the children because this trust has been broken with all of you.. The therapist will help him find the correct language to use with the children, will help him with visitation, boundaries and consistency with his parenting.

It almost sounds like he is a stranger more than a real father.

FYI, My Uncle actually was married to my Aunt, they had children and had another family!!!!!

Yes another wife and 2 more children.. That was a crazy time.. But they were all able to work through it all. Yes, his first family was shocked and it was tough for all of them, but within about 5 years.. it all calmed down.. And all of the kids get along..

The truth is so important. With words your children can understand. Basic simple answers are the best.

NEVER lie to children. (omission can be just as bad) You tell them basic info and then answer their questions as they come up. Just matter of fact is best.

Ditto Christy Lee, excellent advice. Even if the "other woman" knew full well he was/is married this is between you and your husband, HE is the one who broke his vows to you. That has nothing to do with the kids either, so they don't need to be pulled into it. Focus on maintaining a civil relationship for their sake and continue letting them know that you BOTH love them very much and even though you can no longer live together you are still a family, and always will be.
I know it hurts and it's hard not to be angry but really try to keep that in check. Kids pick up on so much, you'd be surprised.

So far you're doing great. Better than I could do under those circumstances! Just looking at the guy must make you sick.

I think you keep it very simple, what you posted is just fine for now. Be ready for questions down the road when they grow up a bit though. I think being honest to any questions they ask is necessary but don't offer up details unless you are specifically asked. You seem to have done such a good job so far I'm sure you'll keep it positive and do what's best for them in the long run.

Here's to freedom!

Hi A.. I just want to share some ideas about what might be coming your way.

IF you don't have a job he can get full custody of the kids based on you not being able to support them financially. You need to go back to work NOW.

Even if he was cheating he is not going to be discounted by doing this. It does not matter in any way. He had one girlfriend or several the whole time they were married. He bragged about how bad she was in bed and he had to go find "it" somewhere else the whole time they were married.

If you go out on a date it will be held against you.

If you expect to live in the family home you will be expected to show the judge how you plan to pay the bills and pay for the kids expenses without any child support or spousal support. He is not expected to provide housing to you or the kids. His income will become his own income the moment he is no longer living in that home. The second you pack his things you are responsible for earning the money to pay those bills. If the home goes in arrears and is put in foreclosure you will be held accountable in court for losing a marriage asset.

The tides have turned towards favoring the husband now. I know several women who were SAHM's and 2 lost custody to the ex. One of my friends hubby's moved out one day and into his girlfriends place. He and the girlfriend bought a house together a few weeks later. He emptied the savings to pay the down payment. He took my friend off the checking, saving, credit cards, both health and car insurance, etc...and she was left with nothing.

She stayed in the family home expecting him to be held accountable for leaving them without anything. He was not. She was told off by the judge. That she should have been intelligent enough to realize the bills had to be paid and she would have to work to support herself now.

He gave the soon to be ex full custody and required my friend to have supervised visits since the judge wasn't sure she had the mental ability to take care of the kids, since she didn't realize bills came due and money had to come from somewhere.

He moved out nearly 3 years ago and he still has full custody of the kids. She does get regular visitation now. My friend pays child support out of her minimum wage job at a nursing home and spousal support. Yes, you read that right, she pays him spousal support.

She makes $7.25 per hour at 40 hours per week. That's $290 per week or $15,080 per year. Minus about 15% for taxes which might leave her with $12,818 per year. Then minimum wage child support is about $168 per month for each child, $336 times 12 months per year, $4032. This doesn't even include if they have insurance she can qualify for, savings, retirement, and any other fees a job might take out.

Take that child support from the adjusted income after taxes, $8786 for spousal support, gasoline, car insurance, rent, utilities, clothing, food, etc....she eats Vienna sausages and cheap mac and cheese most of the time.

Since she doesn't have the kids she does not get any assistance for when they come visit, she has to pay child care out of pocket, she works at a nursing home so she works weekends too.

BTW, her ex makes well over $100K each year and lives in a luxurious home with his girlfriend, her daughter, and my friends kids. While my friend is barely living in a small one room place that has all bills paid.

She never cheated, she never yelled at him, she's a very nice caring person who got the shaft while he walked away with everything.

So you have to be fully prepared. Just because he says he'll be a good dad and do what's right does not mean the attorney he hires won't tell him how good he can have it if he just lets the attorney file all the right paperwork.

Let him live there as long as possible. Leave his stuff right where it is, in your bedroom. Claim he's still living there and receiving his mail there. If he is the primary money earner you need to go to work now. Once the divorce is final and support is set you can always quit if you want to.

I feel bad for you. He's one of the worst kinds of people around.

Well i never been in this kind of situation but I would say that its not there fault and when they grow up they will figure it out

my ex cheated our entire relationhip. i found out after 12 years or so...the therapist told us its best to keep the details away from our daughter but when she is older its healthy to tell it if she asks....hopefully by then the anger within you would dwindle and it wouldnt come out so badly.
i think your sittuation is diferent though . i would go to a child therpist and ask their advice. telling them you J. grew apart isnt acceptable when their dad is pretty much abandonning them and wont be visiting anymore. maybe they will have a way to tell the kids "daddy is not healthy mentally and couldnt handle a family? " i guess it all depends how much he plans on seeing them if at all

No, you should never discuss the reasons for a divorce with your kids. Your younger kids probably don't even know what sex is, so how would you explain that you split up because he was having sex with other people? The divorce is an adult topic and marital problems are not for children to have details about. I know you are hurting and would like to lash out at him by having the kids know that he did you dirty, but it's just not appropriate.

The problem is that you were separated for a year and a half, and the kids didn't really know because he still lived at the house. The fact is that you split up a year and a half ago. That's enough time for him to be dating and in a relationship with someone else. Maybe the kids should know that you were not really married the past year and a half, and that when people are separated, they are free to pursue other relationships. If this woman is going to be in his life, you may not be able to hide this from them.

Good luck