Need Advice on Parants Getting Involved with Kids Friends

I have this problem also, on two fronts.
One is a school-friend of my son's. My son is the smallest in his class, but he pals around (occasionally) with the biggest kid in his class. He gets invited to the kid's parties, but usually gets abused when he's with this kid. (Let's call him "A".) I've tried to broach the subject twice with A's mom. She is in complete denial, seemingly unaware of the bully she's raising. I told my son to just "watch out" for A, and if A does anything wrong, to tell an adult immediately, etc, and not to retaliate physically.
The other is a neighbor kid, who my son plays with regularly. The neighbor kid (Let's call him "M".) is a known-troublemaker. His mom knows it. All the other neighbors know it. With M, I've told my son to "push back". If M starts something, that my son should try words first, but not to let himself get pushed around by M. I've explained M's motivations (that he wants to be "boss", that he thinks he can "get away" with that kind of behavior), and I think my son understands - but since M is not HUGE like A, and M's mom is aware, that he can retaliate a little and stand up for himself - without getting crazy.

Maybe not spectacular advice... but this is the way we're handling it.

I would start teaching my daughter how to stand up for herself. Name calling and hurtful words are common, and she'll need to have the self-confidence to deal with it.

It is appropriate to discuss it with your friend as soon as your daughter is bullied. Just make damn sure she is being bullied. There is nothing about what you described that would lead me to believe that is the direction it is going. Saying mean things to someone is not bullying, not even close. Bullying is a pervasive, ongoing, public humiliation.

Bullying is also a term we as a society are becoming too quick to pull out and use.

My BFFs daughter mouthed off to my kids one day, she didn't think I could hear her. I popped my head in, smiled sweetly, and said 'Wow, is THAT how your mother let's you talk at home?'... she had the 'deer in headlights' look. I told her that if it happens again, she's not welcome in my house, play nice, everyone shares and takes turns, and BE THE FRIENDS YOU GUYS ARE!... then I told my BFF what she said and what I said... my friend thanked me ;) Her and I have identical parenting techniques, and we've 'given each other permission' to say it like it is to each other's kids. I appreciate that about her, and she appreciates that about me. So depending on how close you guys are, or maybe just bring it up and talk about it, feel free to say something to the KID as a warning, then to the parent. If MY child was ever bullying someone, I would hope someone would report that to me IMMEDIATELY.

It sounds like you are most upset about this than your daughter. As long as she doesn't have a problem with the other girl - you should not either.

Seems like a non-issue and what Jo W. said. Don't put the cart before the horse.

This is once again, "let you daughter first handle this".. IF she asks for your help, ask her what she feels she wants you to do.. Empower her to speak her feelings.

You need to let her learn to speak up for herself.

If you witness it first hand as Rachel and Diane said, nip it in the bud.. Let the child know.. I heard that and I am disappointed. I know your mom will not be happy if I tell her.

If it starts to totally get out of hand, then both you and your daughter need to speak with the parent and the child.. This way you can all come to an agreement.

This is a tough age. Kids still want their parents to be involved, but they don't always feel so good when the parents handle things! They're moving into greater maturity and independence. It's a good time to give your daughter the vocabulary to stand up for herself, to recognize bullying when it happens, and to be strong as a girl (not just against other girls, but against boys). There is so much sexual stuff going on at parties and on line, and lots of hurtful stuff that is non-sexual. The more you can talk about these things now, the better off she will be. Most schools have an anti-bullying policy which helps the "victim" or "target" child know that the bullies are in the wrong, but it's still so hard to fight those social challenges as the cliques form. There are lots of books and movies and TV specials on this issue to maybe you can watch something together. Bullying behavior says a lot more about the perpetrator than about the victim's true weaknesses, but it's hard for the kids to see that when they are at this self-conscious and insecure stage.

If the behavior occurs within your earshot, you can address it with the girl - but at this age, they are pretty careful about hiding it from adults. There is a program called KidZafe (www.WeProtectKidz.com) that helps parents to protect their kids. They do a lot for internet safety too and teach parents a lot about kids Text Language - I took the quiz and failed it miserably. Most people do. It's an eye-opener!

I don't have concrete suggestions - just wanted to let you know that I'm impressed that you care enough to put your daughter above your friendship (if push comes to shove).

Big thumbs up!

Yes its very possible. If this were to happen, I would equipt your daughter with verbal tools and physical defense tools in order to stay safe. If she needed you beyond that, then yes--immediately when these things don't work--you would get involved. Let them try to work it out on their own-but if that isn't working-then mama gets to work and talking with the other parent. Hopefully this won't happen--but I would just keep the communication open with your daughter and give her the tools to help herself.GL

M

My daughter is only 8, but we've already had the talk about what she should do in certain situations.

If I know the parent, I say something first. If I don't, I will get to know them and say something. If harrassment continues, I told my daughter that she has every right to stick up for herself. If she gets into trouble by sticking up for herself at school, I won't be upset. I will stand by her every step of the way.

Bullying is, by definition, "a blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing person who habitually badgers and intimidates smaller or weaker people." <--Out of the dictionary.

Nothing has happened? You're worrying about what to do if something that hasn't happened might happen? :) Stop, breathe, look at your real daughter, her real life, see what she really needs, now.

your job is to protect your kid, and bullying is wrong, doesn't matter if it's your friend's child, it's WRONG! I wouldn't think twice telling my friend to watch her child and make sure she doesn't bully my daughter. I would tell my daughter too, not to let anyone bully her and to stand up for herself.