Doing My Best to Hold the Momma Bear In!! ( Kinda Long)

Updated on October 27, 2011
R.B. asks from Decorah, IA
27 answers

Im so fusterated right now. Im doing my best to talk myself into taking a back seat and letting the "proper" people try to deal with this first... but I really want to just deal with it myself first!!

Last night my son came home and said that "G" has been making fun of him and calling him names. This kid has been calling my son, fat, chubby, chunker, hungry hungry dippo ( no that was not a typo). coming up to him and grabbing his stomach and "making it jiggle". A few times now he has grabbed my son's chest and says... now that's a nice handful of tits, you have bigger boobs than the girls, do you have your bra on today? All of this is in the halls between classes and when it happens everyone around laugh, but nobody steps in.

I emailed the principle and all she said was ok, I'll see if I can talk to "G" and get his side. Im sure its nothing. What?!? Its nothing?! Plus she said that since I admitted my son wasn't really sick today, but pretended to be to stay home she wasn't going to excuse it. I told her it will be excused because Im excusing him. I believe the reason he faked it is because he doesn't want to deal with this happening to him anymore. I dealt with bullying before for YEARS with my oldest and this school. It took me threatening to sue the school district if they didn't start doing something about it with no bullying policy.

This isn't the first time I have had to deal with this kid. We live in a small town and maybe 50 kids in our town that are in school ( k-12). Twice he has tried playing with gas and matches in our garage. Thankfully my son let me know! He couldn't come over for almost a year after that. The second time he wasn't suppose to be at our house, my son came in to tell me he was out back playing and I walked in on him doing it. The cops, made a report and went no farther with it because I didn't want to press charges. The dad made him tell me sorry, but no punishment once home. Two years ago he ( at 10) molested our neighbor girl ( 4). He is never allowed on our property after that. Protecting our daughter. The cops "lost" the report. The dad said it was all a lie. The mother of the little girl tried to take him to court but with out the cops helping, there was nothing they could do since there was no "damage" proving it on the little girl. The boy never got into trouble over that. He still laughs about it to this day. He has never been in any trouble over anything he does. My son dropped out of baseball because the kid was throwing the ball at his back every time he turned around and the coach never seen it. Found out also after the fact that my son wanted to quit football because the kid would come up and tackle him while my son would just be standing there, or hit him late. Well the coach never seen any of this also... even though other kids complained about this also.

So... this kid has never had to be held accountable for his actions by anyone. So do I sit back and let the school "talk to him" and hope it gets better... or do I talk to the kid and let him know what is going to happen if he doesn't knock it off with my son? I would never lay my hands on him! But my mouth can be scary enough ;) I thought about talking to the Dad.. but I know it will go in one ear and out the other.

My son is 11. The kids is 12.
** Cupcake Sweet... I know there is no punishments once home... the kid tells everyone how he gets away with "every thing". The father has said that he wont punish his kid, because he never does anything wrong. His sister ( 13) has said that even if he killed someone he wouldn't get into trouble because he is perfect in his dad's eyes. The poor sister can never do any right. My heart goes out to her!

** Jubee I did call the school and left her a message stating that I wanted to talk to her about some bullying going on with my son. 5 hours later she didnt call me back, but did email me about another son's missing homework. That's why I emailed her about it... and got an email back with in 3 mins of me sending it. So I knew she was in her office. Tried to call her back and was told she was busy but would connect me to her voicemail... stated she JUST emailed me, but still they sent me to her voice mail. As far as me going to the school to talk to her in person... the school is 15 mins away, in another town... and I have no car, my husband has it to get to work.

Its not all towards the kid, I have dealt with the school when my oldest was bulllied also, it was swept under the rug, nothing was done on the schools end. Dealt with the same principal then as Im dealing with now. So I guess my faith in the school system is nil.. that's why i thought go straight to the kid.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thank you everyone.

Toni are you serious? I have painted us as victims and have every excuse. Seriously? Ok I am not a victim. My son is. My son told me this before he went to bed, nothing I could do at that time of night. No it is not an option for me to drive my husband to work. He leaves by 4am, that would mean the kids would be left alone for over an hour.... even if they were sleeping, Im not doing that. He gets home around 4pm, an hour after school is out. ( yeah I know another excuse)

I did everything in my power today to get what I could do, done. I sent a CC to both my son's teacher and the child's teacher, to a person on the school board that I had their email and to the Superintendent the email I sent the principal and also stated in there that she never returned my phone call about the issue at hand. Tomorrow is a new day. I will talk again to the principal, whether it be by email or hopefully she will pick up the phone when I call her again and talk to her about this. If I don't feel satisfied, yes Friday when my husband has the day off, I will drive there in person and not leave until I feel they will protect my son. Like I said, this is not my first rodeo with bullying and this school.

As for my son... yes he is chubby. Fat no. What you and nobody else knows is that we are walking/ riding bikes every night and trying to help him get fit. In the last month he has lost 5lbs. At 11 he is 4'9 and 90lbs. But that is not the point.. the point is that NOBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO TALK TO ANY KID AND MAKE THOSE KIND OF STATEMENT TO ANYONE! NOR DOES ANYONE HAVE THE RIGHT TO PUT THIER HANDS ON SOMEONE. Im not trying to be a bitch.. but it makes me wonder what goes on in your house, with your kids... where is your empathy on a child that is being hurt? I pray that you and your child never have to deal with a bully, but until a parent does they have no idea what it does to your child! It breaks my heart to see my son hurting, I feel horrible he has dealt with this for "awhile" and never said anything to me about it, so I could help him sooner! Im not taking a back seat on this, Im not making excuses... Im doing what I can with what I have to work with.

Featured Answers



answers from Oklahoma City on

Please look up the group Stand For The Silent. Take it to heart that if something isn't done about this young man kids will end up dead, either by their own hand or by someone who can't take it anymore.

As sad as it is the victim fighting back is often punished and that's when they start getting the idea it is hopeless and nothing can be done anymore. This young man needs to be held accountable for his actions, or he will continue and do even more horrendous things to others later in life.

One of my friends from high school has a daughter in Upward Bound, they heard the story of this young man, Ty Smalley, who killed himself due to being bullied. The group formed this website and have been recognized all over for the impact it is having on teens who are taking a stand against bullies. It may be something you can help the kids in this school start there. They need to feel empowered and able to defend themselves, plus they all just need to feel safe.

Here is a link to an interview with Ty's dad about the incidents leading up to and including what happened the day he took his own life, I cried like a baby so be prepared if you choose to watch it.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

My son was being bullied at school, until one day this bully called my son's phone and my son's older brother who had been in the military for eight years took the phone and let this 'bully' know there would be consequences if it happened again (in no uncertain terms). It didn't happen again.

You could report it to the police.

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answers from Dallas on

You need to go over the principles head. Sounds like the father may pull some weight in the town if he keeps getting away with everything. If I where you I would get a tap recorder or video camera from one of those spy shops and send it to school with him and get your evidence. After that make copies before you turn them in. That way there is no saying it's his word against the other kids. Our school has a no talarence policy when it comes to bullying.

Good luck and God Bless.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Don't bother going near the kid - you could get into trouble. Don't sit back - that has gotten you nowhere. Make a nuisance of yourself to the teachers and principals and work your way up the line - if the local school isn't doing anything, go to the school district and keep going till someone listens. You may need to coordinate with hubby - drop him off at work and you have the car for the day, or BOTH of you go to the school to prove you mean business.

Unless the dad has some position of authority in the community, everyone can't be doing his bidding and listening to him. Document everything. This kid is dangerous. The more people are alerted to this, the better. Hopefully someone in the right place will catch him before he gets any worse.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I would go to the superintendent. Enough is enough already. This kid obviously needs some help. He is beyond obnoxious, he is dangerous. I
would also talk to an attorney (or threaten to). That is so not like me, but
this is beyond anything I have ever heard of. Tell the school you will not send him back until something is done. Let me tell you, if you pull your
child from school they must report to the state. See how fast something
happens. Tell your son to stay strong! Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Columbia on

Put simply, tell the superintendent that if they do not address the issue of bullying for the entire school, you will press charges and lodge a formal complaint.

Don't play around with this. And don't bother trying to deal with this one child...because they will retaliate against your child.

Bullying is something that schools need to deal with at a community level. Other children and teachers should point out and stop bullies together. Peer pressure works both ways.

Best of luck!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

OK, the bad news here is that on some level, you've done what you can for the moment. It sounds like, for whatever reason, the principal is not going to be able to be helpful in the way that you want her to be. It sucks that the onus for action is always on the victim, but that's the way the system is structured. So, first, get a copy (in writing!) of the school and district's bullying policy (everyone has one these days. And if there legitimately isn't one, YOU can be the force to create one.) There is likely something about it in your school's parent handbook.

That document will likely spell out what steps you as a parent need to take to register a complaint and ensure that it is resolved appropriately.

In the meantime, you are not powerless. Neither is your son. Sit down with him and make a plan. Bystanders are as powerful in bullying situations as the bullies themselves. Your son is surely not the only victim of this bully. Gather his friends, and his friends' parents, and talk about how they as a group are more powerful than the bully. And then document, document, document. Enlist your son's friends to observe and document. "On Oct 26th, X said this and did this in the hallway between 4th and 5th period." Document for, say, a month - or a week, if that gives you enough to establish a pattern.

Don't be afraid to make noise, mama bear. There are resources for you, here's just a couple that I found.

Rally the bystanders! Some recent studies have shown that changing the response of bystanders (those who witness/watch the bullying) is the most powerful deterrent to bullying - far more effective than punishing the perpetrator.

Just do your best to stay respectful, to follow the protocols set out by the school and the district for reporting things. And if you don't get an appropriate response from the school, escalate to the district. Or the county. I understand you have transportation constraints, but at some point it will be useful to actually appear at the principal's office. NOT to have the bully punished, but to work with the school to ensure a safe environment for all students.

Your son is not alone, and what is happening is not acceptable. I know that is cold comfort for him when he gets assaulted in the hall on the way to math class, but it's still true. Go, mama bear!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

After all of that? You bet I'd handle it on my own! This is ridiculous! I'd demand a meeting with the other parents and bring the long list of BS this kid has pulled and ask if they'd like you to bring in a list of kids who are willing to back up all of your stories. Your son should not be treated like this. I'd be telling your son at this point to start fighting back and if the school punishes him let him know it's ok, he won't be punishes at home. Of course, he should know where to draw the line on fighting back. Let your son know to open his mouth. I would have the son ask the boy if he is gay or likes boys cuz he's always touching your son and commenting on his body. Have your son get creative! "Seems like you're my interested in MY body rather than the girls that are walking down the hall. Boy touching another boy's body? You're creepy!!"

K. B
mo to 5 including triplets

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Well, this kid will eventually grow up and get shot or something for messing with the wrong person.

In the meantime, be an advocate for your son, talk to his teachers/coaches, all the way up to the school board, then go to the media about their lackadaisical bullying policies if nothing gets done. Then, teach your son to stand up for himself and defend himself to beat the snot out of the kid if he touches/threatens him again.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Rapid City on

Wow... That boy will have a rude awaking when he isn't able to get out of trouble and it will come. If the school isn't taking it seriously, document each call to the principal and each thing this boy does and go to the school board and a lawyer. The fact that G grabbed your son's chest making the "tits" remark is sexual harrassment along with bullying and should be treated as such. The 4 year old girls mother should also go to family violence and make a complaint there, insisting state or county officers, not local ones investagate his behavior

I belong to a grieving mother's site after losing my youngest son (age 22) in an accident, I would take this bullying very seriously. I don't know how close you are to the next town but with that small of a school, I would try to get him moved into the next town or home school him until you get this settled. There are too many young kids killing themselves over bullying when the school doesn't take care of the problem. If you can't move him to another school or home school him, have someone go to the school and sit in the classroom and on the playground until this is settled. You may also give your son a small tape or digital recorder for his pocket so he can record what is being said. He needs to keep it in the pocket so the bully doesn't know it is there. If that proof isn't enough to take the bullying seriously, the school board needs to get rid of that principal. You are very right to be concerned.

A note about the weight. Bullies don't need a real reason to pick on a child, they will find something. When I was in 3rd grade I had trouble with one girl saying I weighed a middle of a ton because my last name was Middleton. It didn't matter that I was very thin, she wanted to bully so she found something that would push my buttons and she ran with it.

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answers from Chicago on

You cannot touch the other kid. I don't care how "scary" your mouth is (ridiculous thing to say, btw), there is nothing you can say that will make the bully listen to you.

Call the principal and make an appointment. You are all ready to go "mamma bear" on some kid, but you don't speak to the school principal in person? No wonder the principal doesn't take you seriously! If it truly was serious, you'd be in the office with documentation - dates and times of incidents.

Talk to your son's teachers too. Someone had to see something somewhere.

If you don't get satisfaction from the principal, go to the superintendent. But call and make an appointment. See them in person.

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answers from San Diego on

Let the Mama Bear OUT!

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answers from New York on

Let the principal know you expect to meet within 24 hrs or you will go to the superintendent. If the superintendent does not help go to the school board and relay your attempts to talk to principal and super. Keep a log of every phone call, letter and email. When dealing with whoever talks to you stick to one subject-what is going on now. Do not bring up what happened with your daughter years ago, or the fact he molested a child because it sounds like it was never verified. Do not bring up what happened at your house under your supervision. Just stick to what is happening now and what the school is doing now to stop it. Make sure you use the words harass, bully and intimidate. Stress that the incidents were one sided, not a fight between two boys.
When it was your daughter did you go above the principal's head??

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Pittsburgh on

How old is your son? How old is this boy?

I think you need to get to the school face-to-face and make a BIG deal out of this.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Doesn't matter what the reason is this kid does the things he does. While I feel sorry if he has a horrible homelife no one else should be abused because of it. He needs consequences. The school needs to step up. The things he is doing should get him suspended from school. Now that they (school) knows, it seems they would watch for his behaviour. Does he do this to anyone else? There are programs regarding bullying you can google. I know our school is working with one. I'll search my email and if I can find the program name, I'll pm it to you.

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answers from Portland on

write letters. it leaves a paper trail and makes the school deal with the situation more seriously. go in and meet with the principal, teachers, whoever and make sure to write a letter after the fact reiterating what you discussed and send to the parties involved.

my first thought was that you'd need to tail the kid and get video of him being a bully or have your son wear a wire. don't know how feasible that is tho. good luck mama!

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answers from Rochester on

I think I would start throwing a fit! This is unacceptable. I would let the school know that not only will they talk to this boy but you darn well better see some serious discipline such suspension. Because not only is this bullying but it is sexual harassment. Give them a time line to make the bullying stop or you will be contacting a lawyer along with your local news, radio and paper. I would do the same to his parents. Mail them a certified letter letting them know what your son has told them and if it does not end NOW you will take legal action. Hopefully the threat alone will be enough to get people to pull their heads out of their tooshes and make this stop. No kid should have to go through this every day. I don't expect my son to love school but I never want him to feel unsafe while there. Sometimes being nice doesn't work and you have to raise a stink. Good luck! I hope thing change soon and your son can go back to enjoying activities and learning in peace.

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answers from Dallas on

Time to release the mama bear! Do what you have to in order to protect your kids. If what you are saying is true about this boy, nothing good is going to come out of him. That dad is doing his son a huge disservice. Shame on him.

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answers from Wausau on

I read your original note, what happened and Shari's response. I agree with her wholeheartedly. Save your son from further harm. Bullying in all its forms is unacceptable. Including name-calling on a website.

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answers from San Francisco on


Yes I am serious, both your post and so what happened are so full of the "poor me and my poor child and everyone else is at fault and no one will take me serious or return my calls".

You suggest taking action against "the kid"....what will you do, call the kid and demand that he come over to your house, since you have no transportation, so you can set him straight?

I doubt that this adult to child/bully confrontation will take place, but if you are truly considering this action, I suggest that you don't because you might find yourself with more problems then currently exsit.

If a child is being bullied at school and you and dad have met with the school and the parents of the child, teachers, principal, school board etc. and nothing has been done, rather then take things in your own hands, please contact the local police.

You have painted yourself and your son as quite the victims. Always an excuse to quit or be unable to have a face to face meeting because the school is 15 minutes away? How do your children make it to school? Could you not drive your husband to work and use the car every now and then?

Your son should not have had to quit a baseball team because of the behavior of another child (bully).

From your description of your communication with your child's school, sounds as if you have become "that mom"!

Lastly if you DO have an overweight 11 year old, you would do him the biggest favor by getting him on a regular exercise routine and diet. If he is getting teased now, I can assure you, it will only become worse for him in middle and high school.

My suggestion is that you stop looking around for the problems and take a good look at what is happening right in your own home.


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

I'd bypass everyone and contact the closets metro's "News on your side" type program and tell them how this one specific child has molested a young child, bullied many others (your son included), attempted arson twice and the police and school boards have done nothing punitive towards this child and is enabling a violent child to continue to progress... what will it take to stop this child? Hopefully with the news, something will be done. I would also mention this school is very lax and accepting of bullies in their school.

And yes, I'd sincerely do this.

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answers from San Francisco on

Ok, take the bus and go and talk to the principal. Make a formal report with her that she has to put in her file about the bullying with your son. Tell her that if she doesn't take care of the problem immediately, you will file a harassment report with the police and will be contacting the boy's father as well. This bullying has to stop and you have to advocate for your son--however and to whatever extent you need to. As for your son, enroll him in a self-defense or karate type class to learn some self-defense techniques just in case the bullying escalates and he really needs to protect himself . Do it today--don't wait....Bullies prey on kids that are easy targets--make your son a really really hard target for this boy and so he will stop terrorizing your son!



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answers from La Crosse on

I feel for you and your boy. Please do whatever it takes to get that bully/molester under special care! If someone does not push for this boy to get under control he will be the same as a teenager and cause more damage to girls and boys - all our children. I suggest not going to the boy himself, that will get you into some trouble. Go when you and your husband can go together to the school or line up a meeting with the principle and whoever it takes at school, they are obligated to meet with the parents when there are issues. I just want to say my thoughts are with you and wish you the best of luck. Remember you are the only person standing up for your children, you have the right to be assertive!!



answers from Minneapolis on

I would go to the parents and let them know if doesn't stop, you will be going to the school board. If you don't get anywhere with them, I would go to the department of education. Docuement all of your contact regarding this matter with the school. Save the emails... You may need it.


answers from Kansas City on

Don't say a word to that child. You may want to see if you can get something set up between you, the school and his parent/s. Also, how do you know there was no punishment once he was at home? Plus, have you considered that this child's home life may be the source of his desire to bully?



answers from Chicago on

go to the school board, the superintendent



answers from Minneapolis on

I can't see it working if you talk to the bully. The only thing that will stop him is that the adults in his life who are supposed to have authority over him, start actually using that authority. He needs to hear from the administrators at school, the teacher, and his father. An angry mom? He can laugh you off and ignore you.

If it's not going to work, I wouldn't do it. It might just make things worse. Keep fighting the district, and on Friday when your husband is off, bring him with you to the school. It would help to have both of you united on this.

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