Need Advice on How to Change My 7 Year Old Daughters Behavior with Her Friends

Unfortunately, you can't make her change her behavior with friends. Many kids are bossy, ADD or not. The thing that can change how she behaves is when other kids actually say to her, "You aren't being nice, I don't want to play anymore," or "You can't be so bossy," when they start declining her invitations to play. She will have to learn her own lesson here. She will stop doing it when there is a consequence, and the consequence is kids not playing with her anymore.
Screaming and tantrums is a behavioral thing - tantrums are best dealt with by isolating and ignoring.
It's possible that her school counselor/social worker could be of help, they often have groups that teach children about improving their social skills by role playing, small group work, etc in elementary schools. Good luck!

You said that your daughter was diagnosed ADD is it possible that she was mis-diagnosed and is really bi-polar. The rapid mood swings are more consistant with bi-polor disorder than they are with ADD and many times doctors will diagnose someone with ADD to only realize that they made a mistake. I have both family and friends with bi-polor and the mood swings can be very drastic and it is like a light switch. One second they are happy and the next second they are angry. I also have a brother that is ADHD that has violent mood swings that are due to the fact that people that have ADD and ADHD have a hard time controlling their emotions. Sometimes the medication can help this and sometimes it makes it work. Good luck to you.

The best thing you can do is teach her about CHOICES and CONSEQUENCES!...in ALL parts of life not just relationships. When we make any kind of choice there is a consequence...good or bad. Point out when she makes a good choice and what the great consequence was....likewise with bad choices, although try to concentrate more on the good!

Give consequences as well...do let her get away with things simply because you are too tired, don't want to seem mean, don't want her to "hate" you, or excuse her behavior because "she's only 7" or "kids will be kids". Don't be afraid to give punishments in front of her friends...time outs, lost priveleges, etc.

Still, sometimes it's best to just let the kids themselves figure it out. If they exclude her, so be it....don't always come to her rescue. Kids need to learn that sometimes they fail at things...and our job as parents is to lead them thru a learning process from that failure. Talk about what happened, what choices were made and how different choices could have lead to a different outcome. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out discussion, just simple and straight forward, concentrating on "next time how about you try this" or "stop and think before you choose to act".

Kids are smart and observant....we parents just have to be consistant!

Rapid reactions are typical of children with ADHD. Keep in mind that they lack the "filter" that most people have- they don't think before they speak/act. Remember that impulsivity is a huge component of ADHD.

Here's what I have done with some of the therapeutic groups for ADHD kids I work with... practice the skill! Sit with your daughter and one friend while they play a board game or do some kind of craft. As you see a situation coming, stop your daughter and talk her through what she should be doing. If you overhear a situation, step in immediately. Don't embarass her, but pull her over and use the word "impulsive" and briefly explain why her friend may be upset.

Do this throughout her day and give her chances to practice. This is a skill that doesn't come naturally to her, so like everything else... practice!

If she's on meds, talk with the doctor. It may be too strong, which results in mood swings.

You should try to change her diet.. Alot of behavioral problems have been linked to diet. I've personally heard of removing all dairy from your childs diet and it having outstanding results in the childs behavior. It is very important to limit sugar intake as well because sugar can alter a childs behavior like a roller coaster ride. Research diet and behavior and I am sure you will be very happy you did. Goodluck!

And the comment a few below mine about organic foods is very true as well. Stay away from preservatives and frankenfoods.

tyr organic meats, poultry, dairy. they have no hormones injuected in them. this may help her to calm down a bit. also, you may need to take away something that means a lot to her for a 1/2 hour or something.

Hi C.,

I had a similar experience, so maybe my solution can help you.

I have a 7 year old who is the nicest kid - except when he is home with guests. He wants to boss them around all the time, especially the friend he sees every week. Every week, we had meltdowns, usually my son's. After investigating with the other mother the way he was at her place (just as bossy), we figured that they had different expectations as to what it is to be guest and host. We sat them down and had them negotiate who was the person deciding when, and since then it's been heaven, no screams, no anger.

If your daughter is doing this with everyone everywhere, the specific issue may not be knowing what happens when she's home and outside of home. Maybe it is having a calm conversation to show her what effect she's having on other people with those temper tantrums (that's really what they are)...

The ADD may indeed throw a wrench in all of this, it does affect mood. Has she been diagnosed by a specialist in ADD, or by a general practitioner? If not an ADD specialist, I'd want to have her tested by a specialist to make sure it's ADD and not something else... ADD has a tendency of being over-diagnosed when there are many possible other reasons for temporary attention deficit/mood swings etc., most of them benign.

Hope this helps,
K.

Dear C.,

My son whom also has ADD, is now 13

We went thru something similar.

What worked for me was this book called
The Family virtues Guide:
Simple Ways to Bring Out the Best in Our Children and Ourselves

http://www.amazon.com/Family-Virtues-Guide-Children-Ourse...

I started a weekly family activity that is really fun for kids of all ages, and allows the family to participate anywhere

Essentially you and your family try to extol the virtues in some way such as kindness, patience, friendship, and others.

Its not easy for children with Add their not able to focus as other children do, the go from one extreme to the other,
and are easily frustrated.

Another thing really worked for me was getting him involved in a religious group.

The reason is because the children in the group are being parented by like minded parents.

IN a youth group they do service projects, and other positive community activities. All things any parent would want to expose their child to.

I am a Bahai, and we offer free childrens classes in our community where anyone is welcome to attend It is NOT necessary for you to be a Bahai to participate in all the fun events.

Good Luck

M

PS Here is the number to a local Bahai Group in your area
Bahai Faith

###-###-####
Joslyn School House Rd
East Berne, NY

Dear C.:

I know this may sound mean but sometimes children have to learn the consequences of their own actions. If she is excluded by her "friends", she may learn that it is because of her atitude and make steps to be a nicer person. You can't make her "be nice" just like you can't stop other kids from excluded her but you can ask her why she acts out that way.

I know we all want to see our children make and keep friends and would step in where ever we could to ease the way but we can't. This is an integral part of the intercommunication and social learning process.

Oh, you can try to teach her to be a nicer and considerate person by words and your own actions but many times kids have to work these things out for themselves.

If you are concerned that this has to do with her ADD (which it very well could be or some other underlying reason), speak with her doctor about your concerns. He/she may be able to guide you in the right direction.