Need Advice on 3 Yo Who Won't Sleep in His Room

Lou Ann:

Hello and good day! My first instinct is that his crib is no longer comfortable for him. In my opinion, he's too old to be in a crib. Transition him to a toddler bed or a big boy bed.

Next, almost every 3 year old goes through this. At two it's the "I do it" stage. At 3, they are trying to exert their independence but scared to death at the same time. He had something traumatic happen to him (the rock in his ear!) so this is making him very clingy.

Try a reward system for his staying in his BED. I strongly suggest you get rid of the crib today. My kids transitioned out of a crib at the age of 2. Any way - when he does stay in his bed, he gets a reward, a book, a sticker, something - after 7 days of getting a reward, he gets something bigger - like two books or a toy he's wanted or a trip to the zoo - something to celebrate his doing good (for my boys, it's Chuck E. Cheese).

I hope this helps.

Best regards,

cheryl

When my daughter turned 3, she too, took to sleeping on the floor. Sometimes in our room, and sometimes in hers. We tried the toddler bed, mattress on the floor, etc, with no luck... for a while. What it came down to was motivation. For every night she slept in her room, she got a "special treat"... usually some M-n-Ms or something like that. Once she was back in her room full time (still sleeping on the floor, though), we gave her the "special treat" for starting out the night in her bed. Once she was good at that, we gave it to her for staying in her bed all night until now she sleeps there regularly. We also had to play with the placement of the furniture in her room... turns out she wanted to be in the darkest place so that she wouldn't see as many shadows, which scared her.

If your bigger concern is him actually sleeping on the carpet, we took a king size sheet and folded it up in the place she liked to lay to keep her from inhaling carpet fibers all night. You can also try a kid sized air mattress or his crib mattress on the floor to raise him up a bit. But that won't help you with the ultimate end result you are seeking... getting him in his own room in his own bed.

Good luck... I think it is a phase with most 3 year olds. All the Moms of 3's that I know said they went through this same thing at one point or another and every kid ended up getting in their own bed at some point. Just don't give up or give in or he'll sleep with you until he's 12!

M.

at the recommendation of our ped, we locked my son (just 3) in his room. She suggested "ferberizing" him again. We would check on him every 10 minutes the first night, 20 minutes the second night, 30 the third, etc until he was sleeping. He screamed like crazy the first few nights and we had to grin and bear it. Some kids give up easier than others (my daughter would scream for hours over different issues, where as my son would give up after 20 minutes). As for the floor, he still sleeps there. We tried a sleeping bag and he wanted nothing to do with it. He didn't use covers in the crib, so why should it matter in a bed? Just get him heavier PJs. If he sleeps on the floor, leave him there, he will figure it out eventually. anyways, for us, after trying everything, and us getting no sleep for days and wanting to cry, tough love was the only thing that worked. Good luck, hope you find something that works.

I have a 3 yo who was doing the same thing! We had him in a crib. One day we decided we were going to create a "big boy room". Took out the crib,put a little bed, put new stickers on the wall,painted the walls and added a big boy chart.
Every night he would sleep in the "big boy room" he would get a star and at the end of the week if he slept there at least 4 nights...he got a prize (candy) It took a little bit of work, but now he sleeps there no night light and even asks for me to close the door.
**I found out that what was scaring him was some Spongebob episodes...

I saw a great suggestion on the Doctors show today about this. First off it's great he's coming in and not waking you up it could be worse he could be waking you up every night and or sleeping in the bed with you.
Next as they suggested on the show. Offer a reward for not being in your room in the morning. Make a chart with stars. Each morning he's NOT in your room give him a star. At the end of the week if he has 5 stars or a certain amount of them give him a reward.(maybe a dollar store prize) (I collected them once and had them for just this purpose) Maybe if he has 3 or more he gets a prize one week and than the next go to 5 stars and the next 7. So your working up and not expecting him to be all 7 days right from the beginning. but after 3 weeks he's in his room all week. Good luck

LouAnn don't worry so. He's only 3 and he was sleeping alone before so he'll do it again it's just going to take a little time. For now though I would focus on keeping him well. I don't know if that'll mean you'll have to get up during the night and make sure he's covered or maybe build him a little sleeping pallet on the floor (after you put him in his bed) or if you just let him crawl in and put him back in his own bed after he falls asleep again. Whatever you decide to do will be fine I believe as long as he knows "it's gonna be okay". He's still a baby and Honey before you know it he'll be doing his own thing again but I think it's okay to comfort him for now by allowing him to have the security of know you're there. However, whatever you do please don't lock him in his room the fact that was even suggested to you scares me. Good Luck!

It seems to me that your son get scared. Probably he´s having nightmares or fears and that´s a pretty common thing at that age and mostly at bedtime.
How about let a soft light on in his room,soft classic music and find a little toy which he can sleep with.
There are good advices in here about nightmares and fears you should check them out.
Do not worry too much about it and of course whatever you decide will be the best.
Personaly I sleep with my 2 years old son because otherwise I would have to wake up 3 to 5 times at night and I just can´t function like that. He sleeps better and I do too and I´m pretty sure he won´t want me there forever. I sleep in his room for him no to get used to mine and I think it will be easier by the time I´ll be leaving his room since he will be already used to sleep there.
Good luck and lots of patience
P. from Spain

Hi Lou Ann,
I had the exact same problem with my daughter, who is now 7. WHen she was 3, We bought a futon-like mattress (so it could be folded up) and let her sleep in our room. She was VERY clingy, so much so that I had to pull her out of preschool. Nothing traumatic happened to her, she's just that way. When she was four and half, we insisted that she sleep in her own bed. For the first week, she would wake me in the middle of the night crying, but I'd walk her back and tell her (firmly) that she had to stay in bed or some privilege would be taken away the next day. That worked but she still woke me once a night to walk her to the bathroom/tuck-in. She still does that occasionally even now and we allow her sleep in our room only on Fridays as a treat. She is still quite attached to me but is able to seperate from me without problems. I feel that because we gave her some extra time to sleep in our room, then set limits when she was old enough, she is more secure now.
Hope this helps!

First, I think this is a developmental thing b/c I went through (am going through it) w/ my now 4 yo daughter. It started around the same time. First she was afraid, then she "needed" me, then she just wanted to sleep w/ us.

So, to answer your question, here's what we did...First, I bought her a small Dora air mattress and a fluffy blanket and kept that in my room for months. She'd come upstairs and simply climb in that. It worked for a while until we grew tired of having that thing in our room. Then, hubby made an executive decision to deflate it. Then, we used a reward system to get her to stay in her bed. If she spent the entire night in bed, she got to choose an extra book that night. She LOVED that and would be do excited when she woke up the next morning in her bed. Now we've moved on to stickers and big treat (craft store visit, special activity w/ Mom or Dad, little present - Target's $1 aisle is good for this). Again, this seems to be working okay. Two other things, I placed a 20W green light bulb in her lamp and will allow her to leave that on if she is "afraid of the dark," and a co-worker also made her a stuffed cat that we named Fraidy Cat. Fraidy Cat helps protect her when she wakes up at night and is afraid.

You'll note that I tried a LOT of things. This was an ongoing process and I had many, many sleepless nights b/c she would stay in her bed 3 days and then climb in mine for two. It was (is) rough. At this point -knock on wood- we are at about 6 days or so w/ no 3rd person in our bed. Good luck. Be creative.

Your son is very insecure just now. He went through what was, in his young and developing mind, a traumatic experience with the rock-in-ear problem, and it happened just at a time when many if not most kids get clingy anyway. Combine those two things and it adds up to a boy who's insecure just now and really, really just wants to know mom and dad are RIGHT HERE for him. The fact he's able to go to school just fine is a big, big positive, and be sure to praise him for that a lot every day.

But as for the bedtime--I'm with the pediatrician for now. If there hadn't been the ear trauma, I'd say yes, quietly and firmly just return him to his room every time he comes into yours, even if it takes a dozen times a night until he understands where he has to sleep. However, right now this isn't about disciplining him or teaching him firm bedtime boundaries; it's about his fears, which seem to be based in a real and painful event. So for a while longer, I'd let him wander in. You can try returning him to bed the first few times, but don't scold or engage him and if he comes back to the floor, you could let him lie down but say nothing, then pick him up once he's asleep and return him to his bed so he's waking up there every morning; then remind him in the a.m. that it's great to have his own room. But if he was really upset by the rock incident, I'd give him more time. He will not be on your carpet when he's fourteen, or even when he's four. I should say here, I'm a big fan of the "return them to bed" routine so kids do learn not to invade the parental bed, but there's more going on here.

Also, does he talk about fears? Does he think the rock will come back somehow, or that the doctor is someone who hurts him and he dreads going there? Does he seem to be having nightmares when in his room? This is also a classic age for fears and nightmares, and again, combined with the ear thing, that could be an issue -- he may associate his room with bad dreams, painful nights with the ear, strange shadowy shapes (even with a night-light, kids can see a lot of weird stuff in their rooms at night!), etc. He may not ever tell you this verbally; many kids don't.

I would not shut myself in his room without him and tell him you're going to use his bed since he isn't. If he were wilfully just testing his boundaries by not going to bed that might work, I guess, but since it sounds like real fear is at play here, I think it would upset him further and make him more, not less, insecure if you lock him on the other side of a gate from you. He's still very young and the key here seems to be that he started this behavior immediately after a painful event. Give him some time.

And as for breathing -- once he's asleep on the floor, elevate his head with a small firm pillow. He won't freeze at night, either; put him into warmer pajamas. If he's still doing it in a few weeks, reassess, and always try talking to his preschool teacher about ideas too. Good luck and tell us what happens.

Lou Ann,

I wish I had the answer. We have a 7 year old who sounds like your 3 year old :-) Our daughter will bypass her bathroom and comes into ours in the middle of the night. Once done, she hops into our bed for a great sleep for the night. Most nights I don't even know she's in the bed until I awake. I'm going to try having her sleep on the carpet and maybe she'll get tired of that.

D.