About one Saturday a month my extended family gets together and we usually have a dinner around 4 pm and visit. My son is 5 and began Kindergarten last fall. He has never been a nap taker and quit napping when he was about 2. Whenever we are sitting around visiting my son crawls up on my mom's lap and she is usually in a rocker recliner. I am fine w/them snuggling, but then she will rock him and he will get sleepy. It is about 5 pm when this is happening and I do not want him falling asleep at this late in the evening. His regular bedtime is 8pm and during the week he has to be up at 7 am for school. Even on the weekends I do not allow him to stay up very late because I want him to stay on his sleep schedule. I end up having to ask my mom to stop rocking him and take him away or make him get down so he will do something more interactive.
The last time this happened my mom, my aunts, and my grandma were all sort of ganging up on me and were saying that I should just let him take a little nap b/c he is obviously tired. HE DOESN'T TAKE NAPS!!!!! I try to communicate to them that his bedtime is only 3 hours away and that if he sleeps he will not go to bed at his regular bedtime. He is a small child and so I can see how people can forget that is a 5 year old, but he is 5 and I want him to be treated like he is 5. 5 year old boys do not typically get rocked to sleep at 5 pm. It feels like this always happens and I always look like the witch b/c I make my son get down and go play. It is getting to the point where I dread after dinner b/c I know I am going to have to assert that he can not sit w/Grandma b/c I know she will rock him. I enjoy being able to sit and visit after dinner but I am getting to the point where I want to leave after dinner to avoid the problem. I feel like the older women in my family think they have all the answers b/c they are older, but this is my child and I should be free to make nap decisions without pressure or having to explain my decisions. How do I communicate that this needs to stop or I will stop going to our dinners?
Thanks for all the input on my situation. Here are my responses, first all of all, it's a bit unfair to assume I don't appreciate my mother or anything she does for us based on one problem. I'm sure that everyone has problems with family members but still very much love and appreciate them. I am showing my love for her by venting and trying to find a solution to the problem that we can both be happy with. I appreciate those who understood how a disruption to a sleep routine can result in a long night. I have talked to her and invited her to come over a few times a month (or whenever it's handy) to come over at his regular bedtime and read him a story and rock him. She happily agreed and so now they will have their special time and I don't have to feel defensive at family gatherings! Glad for all the brainstorming that resulted in ideas of a solution rather than beating me up for having a problem. Thanks for the advice!
To Reverend Ruby: I was not making derogatory comments about witches, but rather using a more polite term than bitch, which was what I was going to say. Calm down, not everyone is out to bash someone else simply by using a word. Bitch actually means female dog, so perhaps I should ensure that female canines do not attack me for using that term as well.
My son is 6 and I always let him nap if he falls asleep-doesn't matter what time. IMO they NEED it if they fall asleep. And it doesn't last more than 20 minutes or so.
Sounds like both son and grandma enjoy this time. I wouldn't deprive either of it. Soon enough it will not be happening. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
I agree with Grandma T. It's only once a month and the days that he'll sit on her lap are numbered. Maybe you can go earlier so he can nap earlier in the day and it won't be so close to dinner time, then wake him for dinner.
Aww. I feel sad for your mom, she just wants to love on her grandson and he enjoys it obviously. They are little and rockable for only such a short while. I asked my DIL what she thinks about this and she told me that since they dont see me very often that they love me enough to allow me to do a few things that they wouldnt want done on a regular basis. Once a month of Grandma rocking your son seems like not that big of a deal to me. So he's up an hour longer, maybe you can compensate by having him run some laps or something to wear him out. It's so therapeutic for your mom and him to have that bond. He wont fit on anyones lap pretty soon and you will miss this. One day a month isnt going to ruin your childs sleep schedule and yes, the older moms in the family KNOW this. You will know it one day too when you want to rock your sweet grandbaby and send it home with your son and dil---with a smile.
One SATURDAY a month.... Let it go and just enjoy watching your son bond with his Grandma! If need be, wake him after 15 minutes.
IMO..if this only happens once a month then let you mother enjoy cuddling with her grandson and if he falls asleep let him sleep for 20-30 minutes. If this happened everyday then I could see it being a problem but once a month I think you should relax and enjoy your visit. He isn't gong to want to cuddle at all in a few years let your mother enjoy this time.
My son is 3 1/2 and I can understand the routine but 2 or 3 times a month he will still cuddle up with me an fall asleep for 30 mins and honestly I love it. I will be sad when that special time is gone.
Who wouldn't enjoy a nice relaxing rocking to sleep everyonce in awhile. If I didn't have a 3 1/2 year old running around the house I would probably sit back and enjoy a nap on a Saturday afternoon too.
Life is too short for you to be this upset about a little nap. I am sure there are bigger battles that you will face with your family as your son gets older. I think you should let this one slide.
Tina
So this happens one day out of 30? Be grateful ur son has his grandma around to show him live like this. This is probably one if the existences he will always cherish and remember. I have three kids, I get schedules and the importance of them. But I would let thus one slide. Someone posted a question about why grandparents go against the wishes of the parents sometimes? One of the replies was "because the can see the bigger picture". Let this one go. It's not a battle worth fighting. One day your daughter in law will be posting the same question about you. :-)
You are talking once a month here! Give your mother a break! Most likely he will only fall asleep in her lap for no more than 20 minutes. Hardly enough time to screw up his sleeping schedule. Again, this is one day a month!!
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I hardly think you were being beaten up for your "problem". You just didn't like that so many people disagreed with you! Apparently you only wanted to hear one kind of answer.
This is one day out of thirty...and it is a Saturday...you have Sunday to get him back on schedule...let them have their time together. My oldest daughter ( who is a Mom herself now) talk with fond memories about the times that my Mother rocked her to sleep when she stayed at their home. Just be glad that he has a Grandmother that he can bond with and make memories with. In a year or so this will all be over...the rocking to sleep...it will move on to another type of interaction.
it's on a saturday - you have all of sunday to get him back on his routine. a 20 minute nap isn't the end of the world. mine falls asleep in the car for about the same, frequently. it doesn't upset his bedtime routine. even if it did -so he stays up till 8:30 or even nine - it's saturday! you are very fortunate that nothing else has disturbed his sleep routine in 5 years. relax about it a bit and you will learn that kids love their routines. most likely you will barely notice it a blip on the radar. yes it may push his bedtime back a bit (i would be more concerned about him being crabby when he wakes up - when mine "accidentally" takes a short catnap late in the day, and gets woken up, he is SUPER grumpy!) but it won't ruin him. he'll be okay. i do think it's perfectly fine to put a time limit on it, like 20 or 30 minutes. in the end, this is your family, is it really worth causing drama over? they act like they are "older and wiser" because - they are!
(guess i could have just said - what grandma t said! lol but i hadn't read her response yet)
This is one Saturday a month. Your son obviously loves his grandmother and feels so comfortable in her arms that he dozes off.
I don't understand why this would upset you to the point of not going to the family gatherings at all in order to avoid the "problem".
Your mom won't always be here and he is at the age where he will be able to remember being rocked by her.
Kids are little such a short time. Soon he won't fit in anyone's lap and will be too busy doing his own thing to even want to.
I'm sorry. I just don't see why this is so upsetting to you.
Best wishes.
I am kindof uptight about sleep stuff too, but I would personally let this one go. We don't give our kids soda and lots of junk, but grandma and papa do. I use to say something, but now I just let it go. The kids love it, it's a treat for them. They stay up super late at their house and watch WAYYYY too much TV. But if they had fun, that's what grandma's and grandpas are for!
I wonder if those telling you to ler it go have children who suffer (and make those around them suffer) when their schedules are disrupted?
Is your mother infirm? Is there anything keeping her from getting on the floor and playing with her grandson? Or is rocking him to sleep the only way she wants to interact with him?
I am very lucky. My mother is in good health and loves getting on the floor to play with my son, who is 3 but rather big to be rocked. I am rather tired of relatives who treat kids like fashion accessories rather than individuals with needs. Kids aren't easy! Anyone who would willfully make it more difficult for you needs to have their priorities realigned!
Stick to your guns. Be nice, if you can. Make suggestions for alternative ways she can bond with your son. But don't let others try to guilt you into questioning your parenting!
I see the point of the other Mom's, but if you feel firmly about this you are the Mom and you do get the last say. Talk to your Mom. Tell her you understand and love that they bond, but that you are uncomfortable with this. Ask her to come to your house once a month and rock him to sleep at 8pm to get her fix.
Can't she rock him to sleep closer to his regular bedtime?
If she wants to let him sleep at 5pm, maybe she should stay the night to deal with the fall out and so you can sleep through it.
She can rock all she wants at 8pm and read him a story, too.
Or are they set in their own schedule about going home at their usual time?
With a little bit of compromise, everyone can have a win / win situation, and the other ladies don't need to brow beat you over this.
I am with you on this issue. We all have to be very careful that our 4 y/o does not fall asleep in the afternoon because it totaly disrupts his bedtime and he is wide awake when he should be going to bed.
You mom is just making it comfortable for herself - child asleep in her lap, everybody can chat - but you have a problem later....
Just tell Mom that your son is not sleeping well after a LATE nap. Grandma is welcome to rock him at noon but not after dinner. If there is no cooperation - just leave after dinner, or play with your son on the floor at grandma's feet. Sometimes you have to explain your decisions- that way you get more cooperation. That is may be the communication you are looking for.
Just say he's up until midnight if he naps and be firm. In my house, it REALLY disrupts the sleep even if they sleep only 20 minutes, so I hear you. Mine can fall asleep for 20 minutes and be up past midnight because of it easily. If it's what you need, just ignore them. If you offer to let her do it at 8pm, and she remains stubborn about doing it at 5pm-its her problem, and you've tried to be nice.
My daughter doesn't nap either, but she sleeps through the night. If he is falling asleep when she rocks him, he may not be getting enough sleep at night. My Aunt came to visit recently and my daughter who is a tall 4 fell asleep in her arms around 6 pm. She woke up after a couple of hours and was still able to go to sleep at her regular time, although we co- sleep so it may be a different situation with you. I totally agree with you wanting things your way, I am that way too. Also is it possible for her to come over EARLY on those Saturdays, and rock him... cause then when he is napping, then you two can have some girl time to hang out and talk. I don't think that you are not appreciative of your mom, but my mom died when I was 21. I see her face when I look at my daughter. I would give anything for her to have rocked my baby :( I am glad you were able to arrange something to fix this situation. Someday, when she is gone, your son will have wonderful memories of his grandma :)
I love the way you handled this by inviting mom to come over at bed time. She needs that bond with the rocking and holding and this way she can respect your wishes and still get what they both need and enjoy. Great job!
I have a 4 year old granddaughter who stays with me on weekends. I would love to rock her to sleep like we use to as a baby. Now we cuddle at bedtime reading stories and singing songs. I also hear about things that bother her, an older cousin who would "flick" her on the head and am able to give mom a heads up to it so she can get it stopped. She tells me stories that she makes up and they get more outrageous as she gets going and they are always so funny. This is also when we talk about her daddy who died this summer. He is my son and she knows I can tell her about him when he was her age and also talk about God and how he is in heaven. I love this time with her but never ever would I go against her mother's rules for her sake as well as my own. It is sad that your family members don't realize that by keeping him awake at 5 will keep less drama in his life at 8. You are doing a good job.
Please do not make derogatory comments about witches!! Wicca or Witchcraft is a religion that teaches love and respect for all. The history is Witches, we were the healers and midwives of our village, greatly respected by all.
Why is it that some people, instead of offering words of advice to a mother's question (which is what we're looking for....), feel the need to make sure everyone is politically correct? YES I'm talking about the "witch" issue. No one was making derogatory comments nor was anyone asking about a history lesson on wicca/witchcraft.
I know I'm completely off subject now but I just had to say something because I see stuff like this all the time. Irritating
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fact of the matter is, anyone will fall asleep if someone rocks them long enough.
my son is 4 and he still needs an occassional nap. im wondering which way you mean he doesnt take naps; does he not go to sleep (as in fighting it) or does he go through the entire day with energy, good attitude, etc? my son is a bear some days, and gets such a bad attitude that he needs to sleep, and usually those days if i can get him to stay in his bed and just chill out, he does go to sleep.
a lot of kids need much more sleep than they are getting, but it sounds like hes getting a good night's sleep on a regular basis. during times of illness he might need a nap, but you probably know and understand that.
what i would do is this : the next time it comes up, simply say "ive spoken to my doctor about this, and between the doctor and us (is dad involved?) we have made the decision that his sleep habits are just fine, he doesnt need the additional nap, and it hurts his cycle if we have a nap so close to bedtime. the doctor advised us against nap so late in the evening. if he needs a nap, ill be sure he gets one after lunch."
and then just dont be open for the discussion. you COULD ask them about their experiences with kids and naps; if they allowed their own children to nap in the late evening, and then what time they went to bed after that.. etc. do it in a way that is polite and interested (even if you are not interested). it will at least make them feel as if their experience is valued by you, and might help them to back off a bit. if you dont want to ask about sleep, ask about something else you might be interested in hearing about. i think they might just want you to appreciate their experience in some way. i know it can be a double edged sword because once you ask for their opinion you might actually open the floodgates to their whole entire opinion. buuut, just be polite and matter of fact no matter what you choose.
one thing is for sure, if your son has regular bedtimes and regular wake times, hes got a very healthy sleep habit going on! after all, they tell adults all the time that irregular sleep habits can cause insomnia and trouble with sleep, and bad health. so you've got it going on.
but anyway, i know you are frustrated and hurt, maybe even insulted.
stand your ground. remind them how you do things at home, and that you won't change things just because they think differently. if push comes to shove, remind them he is your child and that they need to let you parent him how you think best, even if they disagree. My 3 year old doesn't nap either, and when she was younger, my mom and sister would give her foods and things that I was not ready for her to try. I had to remind them a few times that I didn't want her having something yet, and they eventually got the hint that they needed to ask before giving her something.
so my advice is to just be honest with them and keep standing your ground. if after a few months, they still don't listen, then i guess stop going to the dinners, or only go every other month.
