My 7 Year Old Daughter Concerns Me

Time for you to grow up. You're not her friend or her big sister. If she gets mad and says "you don't love me" or "I hate you" then say, very calmly, I'm sorry you feel that way, even though it's not true, but I'm the mom and I make the rules.
Period.

i'm betting you'll have a bunch of people tell you that she's 'manipulating' you and that you shouldn't allow her to say those things to you.
it sounds to me as if she's had some severe changes to her life that have rocked her world and 'you don't love me' is code for 'i'm scared and insecure and need to be heard.'
how long has the boyfriend been in the picture? how often does she spend time with her dad? what's their relationship like? those are vital pieces to the overall puzzle.
i don't think either anger and punishment or anxiety and nail-biting are appropriate responses to a child's 'you don't want me.' a calm no drama response like 'there's nothing you could do that would stop me from loving you' or 'i'm annoyed with you at the moment but love you to pieces' are the first step. but it's also important to give her the space and the attention to let her real feelings work their way out. it's not enough to 'talk to her' if it doesn't also involve being quiet and just listening to her. it's not enough to 'spend time with her' if the time spent at home as a family is isolating to her.
it sounds as if the dissolution of her family has left her with some serious separation anxiety that's not being addressed appropriately. i know counseling is always tossed out, but i'd certainly consider it in this case- not just for her to have a safe space to let her feelings out, but for you too so you can help her more.
khairete
S.

She's seven. When Tyler, our boys and I moved from California to Georgia? We heard the "you don't love me" lines and "I'm not important to you" too. What did we say to them? I'm sorry you feel that way. You know I love you. This is not about you. This is about our family.

She needs to get over herself. You need to stop catering to her. Life is full of disappointments.

She needs rules and boundaries. She needs to learn to state how she is feeling instead of trying to hurt you. We have done family counseling. it has helped us in many ways.

Stop trying everything. Tell her the rules. Show her that she is loved and respected. How do you do that? You have her help you with the rules and consequences for breaking the rules. She should also get rewarded for participating respectfully and responsibly.

Do not give into her demands. Get to the bottom of it and find out what she is really upset about. As others have asked, how long have you been divorced? What is the parenting plan you have with her father?

Simply repeating your story in the SWH, doesn't give us more information to help you.

Why not get rid of the boyfriend and focus on your daughter? It's not giving in to her, it would show her that you want to focus on her and not yourself. When you have custody of your daughter? focus on her and her school work and role model for her. When she is with your ex-husband? Spend time with your boyfriend.

She says those words because she gets a reaction from you. That's what she's looking for is your attention.

Instead of explaining to her that you do love her (which she already knows) you might want to dial it back and say something like I'm sorry you feel that way. Don't feed into the drama of it all. Deal with the issue at hand of her asking for something that she isn't getting.

Lastly when she reminds you that you went out without her because she was gone with her dad remind her that grown ups get to do grown up things without children. She's not being left out she's just doing something else. She doesn't have to be included in all activities just like you aren't included in all her activities.

Nobody gets their way all the time.
That's life.
She'd better get use to it.
If she's going to sulk she can do it in her room and come out when she's finished with her personal pity party.
Practice this phrase:
"I always love you. I don't always love some of your choices.".
It's possible to be mad at someone and still love them.
Also - loving someone does not mean letting them have their way all the time.
Explain this to her.
"Sometimes we will do things together and you will get your way but sometimes we won't do things your way and we don't do everything together.
It doesn't mean we love you any less.
Now you can be mad sometimes if you want to be but you're wasting your energy being in a bad mood a lot of the time - you can choose to be happy.".

Don't accept any emotional manipulation.
She's not in charge of your social schedule.
I wouldn't advertise to her what you do or who you do it with when she's with her father - it's none of her business - and giving a 7 yr old that sort of power is too much for her to handle (as you are finding out).

How long have you been divorced from your ex?
How long have you been involved with BF?

The fact is, her reality is that her parents will not be together and it is confirmed when you or your ex gets a bf or gf.

I believe she should be your main priority. Her life has changed, she needs stability.

Yes, in some ways she is playing games with you but how would you feel if you switched places with her? She sees you moving on with another man.

I am not saying you should never date or have a social life because you are divorced... I am just saying your child should be your number 1 priority over your social and sex life.

I think you do need to listen to her and validate her feelings. It does not mean you change everything to her way or the highway, just communicate with her. She will be grown up and moved out before you know it and then you will have all the time you want for a bf.

Family therapy-- you need better parenting skills and to understand how this little girl's world is rocked. She is growing up in two homes, at an age where she is noticing where you are putting your attention, and two parents who sound like they don't quite approve of each other. Contrary to what some have suggested, I don't think you get into power plays with children who are deeply hurting. You get everyone help and address the hurt behind the behavior. Accept that this is hard for her. Decide what's the plan is with your boyfriend. If you don't have any intention of going forward, getting married and having a future, he shouldn't be around while she is in your care. Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear--

yes, kids can be manipulative, however, you address the deeper issues before you can expect her to behave typically. It's like asking someone to train for a race with a broken leg--- the leg needs to be reset, cast, and healed before you can expect to run on it. There is a tendency for parents these days to put problems squarely on the child, which I believe is short-sighted. Parents need to look at their own actions and change how the interaction between themselves and the child is played out. Just addressing the child's behavior (which is not *who* they are) might change her actions, but won't do anything to deal with the deeper concerns your daughter has.

umm let me do the math, you are 21..good relationship etc etc. your daughter 7, ok so you were what 14 when the kid was born..she is jealous of your boyfriend and doesnt like going to her dads because she thinks she missing out on doing something with you and your boyfriend. get started on a just mom and me project..a cooking class, a quilt workshop, and museum outing whatever..that way, the two of you have a little just us time..put it on the calendar..more later. K. h.

She's seven and acting insecure and also being manipulative to you.

So ... take a weekend away (or a week) from boyfriend. He should understand (if he doesn't you've got a problem). Instead of repeatedly telling her you love her, let her talk.

When you figure out what's going on (what the route cause of this is) then address the problem. Say you can't help her if you don't understand.

I agree with the "sorry you feel this way" approach. Also make it clear once she's opened up, that this isn't acceptable. As mom and daughter you need better communication if you're going to work problems out, and blaming mom or saying hurtful things isn't going to help.

You're the mom. I wouldn't tolerate my child saying that to me - I would be sitting down, taking time to figure out why they were saying that - and then working out a solution together - me driving it.

I don't know the details - if it's your husband who is upsetting her, the boyfriend, you rushing into a relationship, how long you've been apart from her dad - all I know is that kids need time, patience, understanding and lots of reassurance after going through a divorce.

Sounds like you love her to bits, and no one says you can't look after yourself too - but she obviously is not doing well, so take the time to focus just on her, and once you know what's really wrong, it's a lot easier to fix or help mend.

Good luck :)

I think you should put the boyfriend on the back burner for now. Your primary responsibility is to your daughter and making sure that she is feeling secure and loved. This is not letting her manipulate you. It's putting your priorities as a parent first.

New romantic relationships take up a lot of time and energy. They are almost like having another full-time job. I could see how your daughter would feel threatened by a new person in her life. You are also only 21. You will have plenty of time to get yourself into a steady relationship once your daughter is feeling more stable. When you do see your boyfriend, do it without your daughter. Don't talk about him so much around her. You don't need to hide him, but don't make him a prominent part of your life. Your boyfriend may not be around forever, but your daughter will be yours for life.

From the way your post is written, not to mention the content within it, I think you need to get some assistance from a more senior member of your family or someone whose advice you can trust (pastor, teacher, etc). It seems like you need someone to help you make these decisions since you were forced to take on responsibilities before you were really ready to do so.

Remember this order: daughter first, boyfriend second.

ETA: I must have skimmed too quickly. I see that you are 21 and your child is 7? If this is true, and not a typo or a hoax, then you are more lacking in maturity and parenting skills than even this post suggests. Time for serious counseling and life skills classes.

Original response:

Sounds like you child is running the show. That needs to stop.

All kids with divorced parents get disoriented or have transition difficulties when they shuttled from one parent to the other. It disrupts everything. So you have to have a strategy for helping her reintegrate when she comes back. It can be hard if one parent badmouths the other or creates a "party time" atmosphere vs. the rules/structure of the other house, but it can happen in other families even when different parenting styles aren't at play.

The other thing they do is they say stuff to get a reaction. If your daughter says she doesn't love you, she's either annoyed with you (very different from not loving), she's getting a lot of reassurance (good) or treats (bad) as you try to bring out her of it and prove otherwise. But she's also probably getting a hurt reaction from you - and that may make her feel like she's not the only one having a tough time. But whatever the reason, she's getting a payoff from her behavior. So that is something you have to stop. You say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I love you so much." Don't keep trying to prove it to her though by taking her out for meals or giving her some sort of bribe.

I don't know how long you've been divorced or how long you've been with your boyfriend, but if those things occurred too close together, it's extremely difficult for a child. I'm not saying to ditch the boyfriend, but you really need to downplay his involvement. You absolutely should NEVER tell her that you went on dates while she was with her father or that you did X or Y that was so much fun without her! She doesn't need to know about the parts of the relationship she doesn't see, especially the fun stuff.

Every child is jealous of the time a parent spends with someone else - even the other parent, but certainly a boyfriend, a job, a volunteer assignment, family members, etc. So don't buy into it. Stop letting her manipulate you. And don't think that you can talk her out of her feelings by reminding her of how many treats you've given her. You can, and should, reassure her that you love her, but that includes putting food on her plate and getting her to bed on time and helping with her homework and surrounding her with lots of people who love her (family friends, aunts/uncles, etc.).

After you've been divorced for a LONG time and hopefully if you've been just her mom for a year or so (without your boyfriend involved), and you've had some time for just the two of you, then you can introduce the boyfriend and go on dates without her. But if he is around all the time, she's never going to see you as a single mom - she's always going to see him as the problem, as the replacement for her father, as the reason she's missing out on something.

I think you should get some books or some family therapy about co-parenting, and how to separate your own needs (to be told you're loved by her, to have a social life) from her needs for reassurance. You can't "buy" her affection and security by taking her places. If your ex is a reasonable person and will participate, great. If neither you nor your ex are putting thoughts in her head about how the other one is a bad person or left because of another individual, excellent. If that's not the case, then you have an even more difficult road ahead of you, which makes basic family therapy more important, to develop skills in helping this child to feel secure without letting her manipulate you and demand things she's not entitled to. And since you don't know how she feels, it might be good to find out. Your post is mostly filled with justification for your own activities and explaining your own hurt feelings, rather than how to parent (from a position of strength and confidence) a child who feels this way.

Sounds like she knows just how to push your buttons.

Listen to everything that B. has said. She is spot on.

Stop "trying everything". When you do that, she is spurred on to continue this. AND you are actually teaching her that she is RIGHT when you buy into her remarks.

You need to tell her flat out that adults do things without children. It doesn't mean that they don't love their children. Tell her as she grows up, she will understand. And then change the subject and ignore it. DON'T keep talking and talking about it. Say it once. Letting her dictate this conversation and you and your BF falling all over yourselves to try to convince her otherwise is giving her a lot of attention for something that just isn't acceptable. You need to stop doing that.

Her moods? Do you remember when you were a kid and had mood changes? They are normal. If she gets in a bad mood and says or does things that are rude or hateful, send her to her room. Tell her when she can act nicely, she can come out and be with the family.

When she starts with the "you don't love me as much as your boyfriend", just tell her "I've told you over and over that it's not true. Just because I told you to clean your room doesn't mean that I don't love you. Now go pick up your legos." And leave it at THAT. At some point when you don't let her take you around the world with her manipulative remarks, she'll stop doing it. But it's YOUR JOB to stop talking about it. Short and sweet. "Of course I love you." "Now, we've talked about this and I've told you many times that adults go out with each other." "We had time together all week, and now it's time for me to go out. I'll see you when I get back." And don't continue the conversation.

Stop worrying about this. She will get over it when you stop being so worried and have a backbone about it with her.

Example:
Daughter: "Hey mom! I want to go do something I know you're probably goign to say "no" to!"
You: "Umm, no."
D: "You don't let me do anything, you don't love me!"
You: "If you're going to act that way and lie to my face like that, you and I both know Boyfriend and I love you very much, but right now you're being nasty and can go to your room."

She's trying out manipulation. It might be working with her Dad, she gets sad with him and he give in. Now she's trying it on you. Don't let her. If what you've asked isn't unreasonable, then just tell her to cut it out, go to her room to cool down and go on with life. My daughter pulls attitude every now and then, she's 8. Just today we ask her to put her cloths away in her room. We got eye roll and a huff. We stopped her in her tracks right then and there, arms full of shirts. We corrected her. "Bad attitude. No eye roll, no huff. Now, go do as you are told without the ugly attitude." Your daughter is old enough to be corrected the instant she pulls the "you don't love me" card. You both know that's not true. Remind her that you do love her and stick to what you've said, do not go back on yourself. Sometimes the best way to "love" you child is to be the "bad guy".

Please get some counseling from a family therapist. Your situation is far more complicated than a little girl who is jealous and difficult to manage.

I agree with the lady below me, that child is obviously screaming out for help, I know u feel like u should be able to have a relationship that makes u happy, but there is bigger thing at play here. Someone really just wants to be loved. Maybe get some counciling.