Bf's Battles with the Ex

wow. the problem is that if you end up being an "ex" you know what to expect if you share custody of a child together.
gee, it's tricky to advise. eventually their anger will be focused or even indirectly affect you. when she ticks him off good you are there to have to fan out the fire. could you live with this for the rest of your life? would you be willing to have your son deal with such explosive lifestyle, not knowing what to expect when he gets home from school every day? (i'm just throwing real scenarios that may happen down the line just to give you food for thought, i don't know what level of commitment you have to one another or how much you are willing to sacrifice and invest in a relationship that can be so volatile due to circumstances you can't either ignore, be a part of, or fix) ultimately the decision you take will affect yours and your son's future, but as far as what you can do fix this...? absolutely nothing. and since they share children...it will be like this forever and ever amen. the bond of parenting can't be broken. i wish you wisdom to think it all through and make a decision that you're not blinded to but rather one that is made with all the cards on the table.

Move the bf out of your home until the custody issue is settled. You are needlessly and deliberately subjecting your son to this extremely harmful & damaging environment. (This poor kid is going to be re-living this trash-talk through the future of all of his own adult relationships.) You know that kids parent the way that they are parented. For the sake of the two of you, but mainly for your precious little son, take the hard line NOW. It does little good to "explain to the kids 'why'" the trash-talk is happening. And I would caution you to not even CONSIDER having another child with this tortured man. He needs LOTS of "out of the frying pan" time before he'll be ready (and, more importantly, ABLE) to commit to a HEALTHY relationship with someone else. He's too consumed by the hatred for the ex. Since he's unwilling/unable to "take the high(er)" ground and keep his ranting raves to himself (or to vent them in the shower with the radio blaring!)you must be the much-more-mature person and make the tough choice.
I'm talking from the voice of experience as a 55-year-old grandma whose ex-husband trash-talked ME for years to our two daughters--ages 3 & 6. (They expressly remember that I would not talk dirt about their father--regardless of his numerous faults and girlfriends.)
I completely concur with the advice that he will eventually talk about (and TREAT) YOU the same way that he is now treating/talking about his ex-. Remember the old adage: "Pay careful attention to the way a man speaks about & treats his own mother--you'll receive that same treatment eventually." It's so very true with wives, too, and ex-wives....we CANNOT "change them" and we are NOT "different than" the other wife!

The problem here is that no one is putting the kids first. You adults are all caught up in your bf's divorce drama & you are living with a man that you are not married to, not a good example to set for your child or his children. And talking about bringing another child into this situation makes you sound really naive. Focus on giving your son the best childhood possible, it's not about you it's about him. It is great that you have a good relationship with your ex, let your bf work out his situation. You should call Dr. Laura and get her advice on this situation.

Explain to your bf - in the presence of his daughters and your son - that the kind of negative behavior his is exhibiting toward his ex affects the harmony in your home as well as all 3 of the children. Explain to him that children learn by example and ask him if he really wants his daughters and your son to treat others the way they see & hear him treat his ex. He appears to be asking out, just like a small child that gets their favorite toy taken away. They hollar, scream and then they say they didn't really like it anyway or it doesn't matter to them that they don't have it anymore when in reality, they are deeply hurt inside that they no longer have it. It's probably not her as a person, more the loss of the whole "relationship" idea - especially if this was his first major relationship and he felt it "was going to last forever."

Good Luck,
M. M. Ernsberger
Mind-Body Therapy

all i can say is that form personal experience whenyousay anythign bad about the toher parent it comes back to haunt them in the future. i have never sais anythign bad about my ex or his wife to my chidlren. they always came back with negative comments. a lot of it was jsut their way to try to get get us back together, which was never going to happen . they used it to get things they wanted and to do things i didnt let them do. they are hurting too and kids can be very manipulative. i think that once your bf has that in prospective and quits reacting to what the girls say. also take into consideration what the ex is like. he knows her better than anyone that is why she is the ex. if he reacts to what she says , she is getting the desired effect. if he doesnt then she doesnt have anything to fight about . it takes two people to fight. if the kids come hom with messages form the ex. tell them you dont want to hear it. that it is aproblem between the parents and she needs to talk to him directly. if she calls and starts losing control , gently tell her that you dont feel the conversation is productive and that he willbe happy to talk to her when she is more in control. might also be a good idea to get the girls into some kind of counseling. although their mom wll probably continue this they need to know that they ahve a neutral party to talk to. they are lucky to have you in their lives. but i can also tell you that they are probably teling their mom thigns about you too. let the justice system take control even though i am a mom i know that things usually go in the moms favor but i wish the best of luck to your bf. this is the true test of love andif you can endure that you will be one of those couples that is together for decades. my advice to you is to stay completley neutral and dont get dragged into that situation. the kids are smart and they know who is the best parent and by the time they grow up they will let your bf know that they still love him no matter wht was told to them.

If he is still going through the courts, he can ask (if he was not already requred to go) that he and his ex be required to attend the "Parenting Without Conflict Seminars" It is usually required for divorcing parents but if they were never married or if they were divorced more than 7 years ago they may not have attended. It is a good course and the courts would see his willingness or desire to try and get along. part of that course is how kids feel when thier parents bash each other and the ramifications on all relationships. It seems as though you have already talked to him about curbing this. And FYI it probably will go on even if he recognizes it but it seems to always be there in subtle ways.

Hi M.,
All I can say is, I understand. I am married to a man who was divorced with a child from a previous marriage. And it sounds very similar to your situation. Although we went on to be married and have children of our own. All you can do is to continue to do what you are: encourage him not to discuss his ex or the issues in front of the kids, his or yours. He will eventually stop as he sees it has a positive affect. My stepdaughter, now 19, still to this day ( we met when she was two), has nothing but good things to say about her dad and I and how we did not and would not attach the mother, regardless of what she was saying about us (and let me tell you, it was ALOT). We just chose to take the higher ground. One phrase that we learned to live by in our house was "be the bigger person". And believe me, as you go through the court battles and have mediators, and parenting coaches, etc see that behavior, it will weigh in your favor. They will some day cool down on the "battle", my husband and his ex did, but it took 13+ years before that happened. So in the mean time, let your husband know to be the bigger person. Your kids will notice, and he will feel better about himself in the long run.
Lari Beth

Get out while you still can! (LOL)Too bad you can't fix him or his ex and their problems. do you see how he talks about his ex even directly to his own children? what mature adult with his children's best interest at heart and in mind would do that to them? in the end they will end up hating their father for how he talked about their mom - no matter how bad she really might me and if anything ever happens between the two of you - guess who will become his new target? Try to make him understand this before too much more damage is done. This unstable relationship that they have is obviously why they are divorced and to carry all that anger with them into their next relationship isn't really fair to you and your son. your best decisions will be made with your sons best interest at heart and it's ok to put your yourself first. just know that if you stay, you will be caught up in every battle that they have - I truely believe that any child is worth that fight and those 2 pre-teens will need you through all of this. It will be a long hard road no matter which way you go and I pray that you will have the strenght to carry you through this next chapter in your life. God Bless you in this journey you are choosing with eyes wide open.

Wow. I am sincerely hoping you have wisdom beyond your years. I don't know you or your bf. I think it is hard without knowing him or his heart. Living together without a solid commitment on paper, it is hard to hope for a long term outcomes. I have seen it end well, and seen it end in a lot of heartache. Trash talking is harmful borderline abusive to anyone who loves the one being trashed on. It has to be unsettling for his children, and your son. Damage on children will last into adulthood if not taken care of or stopped. My advice is to leave the room or have the children leave the room when he starts talking about the mother. Every time it starts, head out. It seems weird, but letting someone vent alone, seems to stop the behavior because there isn't an audience. If you have to pile into the car until he cools down. Do it. Whatever it takes. I hope you know I say this in love honey-- If he will trash on one woman who he once claimed to love, will he do so to you if the novelty wears off? Again, love. I sincerely wish you the best.

Hi.. I am new to this & this is my first time on here, so bare with me... I can totally relate to you on this! I have no bio. children, but live with my bf & his 2 kiddos. We have been living together with the kids for almost 2 & a half years now. Lately, the kids have been sooo different when they come back from their bm's. I have "heard" things that she has told them & it's not nice. Her & her bf bash me & my bf to the kids. On the phone & on their visits. The kids come back confused & angry. My bf tries to ignore it & assumes it will go away. Honestly, I don't feel that you or I have any control over the ex deal, but we can continue to try to make the bf's see how it is hurting the kids. I have had a heart to heart with the kids a couple of times. Mostly I tell them of my deal & my parents divorce & what I went through. I try to make the kids know that someone understands & has been in their shoes. I see progress in the kids...until their next visit with her. She is very jealous & it is eating her up inside..but that's not our problem. I can only hope that everything she is saying & doing will bite her in the butt someday. Until then, all I can do is accept the situation and TRY TRY TRY to be patient. Everyone tells us that the kids will grow up & see the truth. When the kids ask me about my childhood & my parents divorce, I try to be as honest & open as I can. In those talks, I have learned just how manipulating the bm has been. It is sooooo hard to bite my tongue, but I have to. These kids deserve to live a happy life with all parents & step parents being loving & supportive of them.

Please listen.....The anger and bitterness between your boyfriend and his ex is very damaging to their kids. The truth is....there are right and wrong ways to handle things in divorce. Divorce is ugly. To take anger out in front of your kids and to attack the parent that the kids love (whether they are wrong or not) is so hurtful for the kids. They want to please both parents and they get caught right in the middle. The fact that your boyfriend and his ex are getting into battles and belittling each other in front of their children is pure selfishness. They are so focused on their anger and what the other person did wrong, they are forgetting that there are little people that God Himself has entrusted to them to care for and to nurture!! M., please think long and hard about putting your own children in the middle of this ongoing war. They WILL be affected. I don't know what your relationship is like. Will it last? Years down the road, will you be in the same place with him and YOUR children? I know this is really forward, but your life and your kids life depends on it. There has to be something done. If you continue to stay with this guy, he needs to make a decision to get it together and to keep his cool and be the bigger person for the sake of his kids. This is really hard to do, but it can be done. He has to choose that he is going to THINK before he speaks every time he talks to or about his ex wife. If he is not willing to do that, then my prayers are with you because it is going to be a long, hard road for you.......I pray that something changes in this relationship for the kids sake. My heart really grieves for them. For now, M......Put your foot down and tell him things need to change. If they don't......RUN!!