My 6 Year Old Daughter Is a Loner at School

It's probably mostly her personality. That you must embrace no matter what it is.

However, it would be good for her to socialize more, and if it's because she's in a new school, it could take a few months for her to find friends. You might want to consider a more alternative school, perhaps a charter school. It really is best for people to socialize.

Hi A. -

Buy and read Good Friends Are Hard to Find. You can get it on Amazon. It is an excellent book about the intracacies of how childhood frienships are made and why some children have a harder time than others building these friendships.

Also know that what happens in elementary school does not always predict later years. My son had no friends until high school -- and now he has many.

Best,

J.

Hi A.,
When I was young I was extremely shy. During recess kindergarten through 2nd grade I stayed by myself too. I recall it was a period that I did not feel confident interacting with new kids yet. I out grew this and became student body president in 6th grade and homecoming queen in high school. I am 40 years old now and have a successful career that requires a lot of public speaking.
Do not worry to much and continue to nurture your daughters nature and I am sure she will come out of her shell.
all the best,
A.

Hi A.,
We too noticed this with our daughter in K and 1st grades. Very similar situation with our daughter liking her own toys, being talkative at home, and having friends outside of school. Our daughter became the target of cruel teasing by boys in her first grade class and a boy in another 1st grade at her school. This was really getting bad at the end of the year. We switched her to a private, christian school for 2nd grade and we saw a huge change in her! She began to be excited to go to school, was happy when we picked her up, and had lots of fun things to share about her day. I think the smaller class size really worked for her. My best advice is to go with your gut. I wish we had switched her when I suspected things were going wrong at the start of first!
Best wishes,
E.

Please don't worry. Everyone develops socially at their own unique pace. She may think the kids are immature, and eventually she'll connect with someone who is at her level. And she may be a little inhibited too, it's hard to say with out knowing her personally. Forming relationships too easily can be problematic too. When she makes friends, they'll be more likely to last because they'll be based on something a little more meaningful. Just try to encourage her to be friendly and give the other kids a chance, I'm sure she'll warm up.

Hi A.,

Some kids are just introverts and do not want or need the extra hassel of other children. My oldest daughter never goes out of her way to try to make friends. She plays very well by herself and if other children do not wish to do what she is doing, it is fine with her to do it by herself. I was worried at first, but the other children gradually got to know her and now will try to join in with her.

When I was a child, I was just more comfortable around adults. I knew that their opinions of me was more important than the children's. I was also ahead of all my classmates in school so it was hard to find common interests. Eventually, I did make a few friends, but I was never the social butterfly.

I would check with her teacher and see if there are social problems in the classroom, but if she is not unhappy at school and her performance is good, I say let her be.

D.

Don't worry, A..

As the parent of another 1st grader, and a VERY active mother in the classroom, I have found this to be extremely NORMAL! She'll come around.

However, if half-way through the year she still hasn't, then express your concerns to the teacher and perhaps she can be "creative" in ways to help your daughter :o)

Good Luck!

:o) N.

I don't believe it is the age diff of your kids just a shyness to approach new people for fear that they may not like her. My son had to be pushed into to talking to neighborhood kids because he wanted to play but didn't know how to approach them. You can talk to her and show her how to introduce herself to other kids.

My son is 14 and my daughter is 6 yrs. They are very close with eachother. They have their own space and friends, but then they have each other time as well. I also have a 4 yr old daughter. She wasn't so close to my son, but is trying to be now that she is getting older. My 6 yr. old is very shy. Last year I had the same issue as you. Which ever friend that she came home talking about, I talked to the parent and set up a play date. Now she has many friends and many play dates. Play dates can be hard at times to set up, especially if you work full time. I go to school part time and it still gets hard to set them up. Maybe she can go over to the friends house until you get out of work? Also, when you mention it to the teacher, maybe she can see who she clicks with and have them partner together during some class activities or even sit next to each other. This has worked for my daughter this year. Although she has friends, she still is shy and quiet. The teacher saw that and saw who she clicked with and partnered them up. The best to you and yours. God bless.

I don't have a child your daughters age but I have been through this with me. What I am seeing is that your daughter is probably more comfortable with people who are older than she is. Did you ask her WHY she doesn't like those kids? She may or may not be able to verbalize this. Have you tried having a "just because" party at your home where your daughter can invite people from her class to over to play. Maybe a tea party for the girls?
I personally was raised by my grandparents so I never felt like I fit in with kids in my class. I always was alone or I was talking with the teachers. It didn't help that i was very overweight either. no one really wanted to play with me. So you might try to dig deeper. I don't know if the teacher is the best person to ask... but maybe the aides or playground assistants who see her and other students at play.

Sometimes setting up playdates with classmates can help to get her better aquainted. It's hard to do this if you work full time but if you have a chance to volunteer in class or get to know some of the parents and then have a playdate with them in a fun setting, that may help to get her feel comfortable and have some friends at school. Best of luck with everything!

As I was reading through your request memories of my mom commenting about me came back. I don't remember being a loner, but my mom remembers teachers asking her if I was sick or mentally retarded because I wouldn't make friends. I do remember being extremely shy and almost afraid of speaking up and talking to other people. I was fine at home and with my friends in the neighborhood. I got over it once I started middle school, so don't worry about it. I turned out fine :)

Dear A.,
My kids are 10 years apart, so I definitely know about the "different interests" part. My daughter is the oldest and wasn't shy or afraid of anything or anybody. My son is far more mellow and casual about things. And very sensitive when it comes to other people's feelings, etc. He was not nearly as gregarious as his sister, but always had many friends. His first best friend was a little girl who lived a few houses down from us. We could see her and her mom out in the yard and he just ached to go play with her, but was far too shy. So, one day, I told him we were going on a walk and we introduced ourselves. They were only 3, but it was the cutest thing to watch them play and they just adored each other. He and a little boy buddied up their very first day of kindergarten. They'd never seen each other in their lives, but right away, they took to each other. They're 13 now and my son was at their house for dinner and a movie just last night. Special friendships really are important. But, you can't force them. They just kind of happen.
I had friends whose daughter was very introverted at school as well. The school is on a street close to the office we worked at and they would often drive by around lunch time and could see their daughter sitting out on the playground by the fence all by herself. It just broke their hearts. But, she had plenty of church and social friends.
Sometimes kids tend to pal up and group up. Interjecting herself might be something your daughter isn't especially interested in doing at school, especially if no one has really approached her. And, the other kids may be thinking she's too shy to approach.
Your daughter may never be the class social butterfly, but I bet that she will come into her own.
My best friend is a teacher and I know that pairing kids up to work on projects together is a great ice breaker. And, it's a way for the class to be involved with one another and interact with children who aren't necessarily the same ones they hang out with on the playground all the time.
She's only 6. Don't worry too much but encourage her to talk about her classmates. Who does she sit by in class? Who did she sit by for lunch? Does she know if any of them have pets at home? Are any of them allowed to walk or ride their bikes? You don't want to give her a zillion questions a day at a time, but it might at least get her talking about it. It might give you a clue as to why she prefers to keep her distance. If she just feels safer keeping it that way for now, that's okay too.

Hi Dear,

I think you know your daughter very well and in general I would just let her develop in the way she is.
Is beautiful

The only effort I may add is to create play days with the children that attend her school, one girl at a time.

She will have the opportunity to develop trust with them in a caring enviroment and transfer that to the school afterwards.

i remember going through this at the same exact age. had some stress factors (dad 'out to sea' a lot). my mom took me to a counselor & i remember that being fun AND helpful. maybe she will grow out of it, but check out your insurance to see what & how many visits it may cover for a counselor/therapist. maybe a female & be sure it's one who talks with kids.

Hi A.- My nephew who is 7 is very much a loner. Too make sure that things were okay at school and it was not an issue of him being picked on, my sister would drop by at recess and look in on my nephew. She would not let him know she was there, but did let the teacher know. She also asked the teacher to sometimes pair him with someone during activities and at recess. They are still young enough that that shouldn't bother them or impact the thoughts of the other kids. In the end, he was just nervous about making new friends and needed a little help, hence the pairing up. I'm sure as she gets older she will be more interactive. Good luck

Do the other kids live in the neighborhood? Maybe she just doesn't know them and doesn't really know how to get to know them. Did she say why she doesn't like them? If it's just shyness, there's not much you can do other than to maybe plan a playdate with just one child at a time giving your daughter a chance to get to know them one at a time rather than in a group. That's hard. Good luck!

My daughter is 8 years old now and is still like this. It is just her personality. She has not been part of any bullying or things like that, she just for the most part likes to be by herself. She does great in the classroom and participates a lot, but when it comes to recess or lunch, she tends to be by herself. When she does play with someone or a group of girls, she will leave at the first sign of drama. I think that this is great. And I think that it is great that she does not feel a need to be with kids and depend on them to make her happy. I would just talk with the teacher and see how she is during class time. If she is doing well in that area, then I would just say to relax and accept this as who your daughter is right now. I have a total of 4 girls and one on the way. The 3 other girls are a lot more outgoing and social, Mayla is the only one that is so quiet and reserved. God has made them each so differant, and we have to accept them for who they are. Unless there are some underlying problems or it is effecting her school work, I wouldn't worry about it.

Maybe you could get your daughter involved in some after school activities that center around her interests like an art class or 4-H for animals.

My daughter (now 16) has always been the sort that was more interested in the activity than the people she was doing it with. I was told, and it proved to be true, that I would appreciate that when she became a teenager -- she's not the sort that does something or hangs out with people just to be popular. She was also willing to do activities and go to camps without having a friend along (something other girls sometimes have problems with).