My 4 Year Old Has Become Insecure

i had the same problem with my son going to preschool. it didnt take as long as my daughter with daycare though. my son was in daycare at 1 month. i cried for 2 weeks when he would go to school because he cried when i left him, he didnt at day care but did at school. i took a picture of me and his dad and gave it to him to take with him. it worked and eventually he made other friends at school and forgot about the picture. i would sit down and talk with him about y he didnt like it if he didnt want to go and we sorted things out. i still do that with him and he's in 1st grade. my daughter on the other hand i had a different situation..she always had dad watch her and when it came time to go to day care at 3 yrs old it wasnt working, what did work was switching her daycare (we discovered some problems at the first one that didnt work out)and one of the women that work there sat with her and talked with her(pretty much made her feel comfortable), and she made sure she was there when my daughter got there. she did that every day for prob about a month and eventually my daughter went off on her own and now runs into day care(she's 4) every day. sometimes kids just need someone to feel "close" to when we're not there, maybe her teacher could spend some time with her or something so that she doesnt feel "lonely". it will work out, it just takes time.

Hi T.,
she may very well be in pain if she's teething. Perhaps giving her Tylenol or Motrin for the pain, if you feel comfortable doing that.

Hi again T.,
with the response now to the insecure issue - Your daughter will get through it with time. What may help perhaps (not knowing if you have done this already) is to try to prepare her about changes, even if it is just little things - talking to her about it to make her feel that it is going to be okay.

This is definitely one of the characteristics of this age (3 and a half-4 years), that things that they haven't normally become insecured about, they do so now.

My advice is to recognize and validate your daughter's feelings and ask her what she thinks you and her could do to make her feel different about her situation. If she is part of the solution, she may feel better about it. I would suggest things like agreeing to stay 5 extra minutes with her in the morning, or agreeing to 3 kisses only before you leave at drop off. Show her that your feelings for her have not changed even if her routine has.

One thing that is often hard to remember about 4 year olds is that they have a lot of independence, but still need us like babies at some times.

Hey T.,

Your daughter has been going through alot of changes lately which as you know is contributing to her insecurity. Her insecurity may be heightened though because she maybe going through a phase right now also, which is typical for this age. My oldest daughter Abbie (7) went to a 3/4 yr. preschool and is a child who relies heavily on a consistent routine to feel safe and secure. We talked the WHOLE summer before she started school about what was going to happen and the new friends she would make..etc. She didn't cry when I left her but that was because I would look for her at her classroom window as I was walking out and would wave (the same thing I did all through her 3 and 4 year class - ROUTINE!!!). The whole car ride there would be me telling her that I would be there to pick her up at the same time just like every other day. It took her till Christmas to really start opening up and not be shy...but I still had to stick to that same routine every morning, reassuring her in the car and waving to her at the window as i was leaving. By the time she started all day kindergarten, she never looked back at me, cause we established the new routine ahead of time and talked (granted at length!) about where i would be when she got off the bus! All this to say, talk with your daughter, see if you can get her to share with you her anxieties and come up with a solution together. Keep in mind you may have to make some adjustments, like picking her up a couple times a week so she has something to look forward to. Best advice is to be patient, for this too shall pass...and trust me, you'll eventually miss it!! :)

Hi T. my name is A. W also Iam 32 of age iam an Child Care Asst Aide i have seen Children do the same thing to there mothers an they will cry until we let them know that mommy or daddy will come back for them. that they are big girls and boys that shouldn't cry. every thing will be fine. Also that mom and dad aren't far that will be back soon. Let have some fun. And you need to still for awhile. MOM & DAD LOVE YOU. Now maybe you should put her in a child care Center, After pre-k is out to see how she do beside seeing you all day. She may get upset the first because she don't see you but that's ok it fine. I mean if you can have som time to yourself while you are shopping or doing the mommy stuff :) I hpoe this is ok .

I'm curious to see responses to your question too. My youngest just turned 6 and started Kdg in September. She didn't go to preschool, but doesn't have a problem going to neighbors houses to play, or to go to Sunday School. Now all of a sudden when I drop her of at K, she wants me to stay on the playground with her, which is allowed...but then she just hangs all over me. I tell her I can't stay if she won't go play! The other day I had an appointment so I just had to drop her off and run, but I walked her to the playground and hugged and kissed her goodbye, and she cried...she's been going to school for 2 months and up till that point hadn't cried yet!! Made me almost cry!

So I guess I don't really have any advice for you...just know you're not alone though!

~B.

Hi T.

It does sound like there were quite a few changes in your daughter's life recently. I would suggest trying to get settled into your new routines as soon as possible and trying to maintain them so that your daughter can begin to feel comfort in them. She should adjust gradually and regain confidence.

I know what you are going through. My daughter had the same problem at that age due to family canges. Something I found that helped so much was just a little thing I did for her. I got a locket necklace and put a picture of me inside of it. I would make sure she was wearing it everyday when she went to preschool or the baby sitters. I told her if at anytime she felt like she missed me or she felt very shy to open it up and look at my picture and it would be like I was right there with her. I made a big deal about it for a week or two and it helped SO much. After a few weeks she felt secure enough to kind of forget about it a little bit. It's a small thing but it works wonders. I also mentioned it to her teacher so that she knew what was going on if she would open it. Her teacher was very understanding and thought it was a great idea. She also saw a big improvement in her shyness at school.
My sister also used the same idea with a little pendent with her son. Instead of having a picture she got a pin that was a lamb and took the pin off so that he wouldn't get hurt. She told him that the lamb was magic and that anytime he felt like crying to put his hand in his pocket and touch the lamb and it would make him feel better. It worked so well. He actually hasn't cryed yet and it has been over a month now. Hope this helps
D.