My 19 Month Old DS Is Hitting

A lot of kids go through this as a way of communication. When my granddaughter was going through this stage she got a time out at home or at my house for it also, but what seemed to make the biggest difference was I would hold her hands gently and tell her "Grandma doesn't like to be hit, she would much rather have hugs and kisses" I repeated this anytime she would hit and she would always give me hugs and kisses. I remember one time in Walmart when I was pushing her in my cart and I had to say this, she would pull me down to her every 2 minutes or so giving me lots of hugs and kisses. I think one time her mom spanked her when she hit her and she looked at me like "are you going to let her do that?" I said "your daddy would probably got a spanking too if he hit me" She accepted that and I don't think she hit after that. I would never suggest spanking because I believe that should be a last resort disipline, but try the "I don't like to be hit, I would rather have hugs and kisses".

We did this thing with my daughter where we told her to use "nice hands" and showed her what that meant by like, petting the cat and things like that. If she hit I would say "oh no...we use nice hands" and then have her pet me or pat her head or things like that. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. I know with this age, the more power you give something, the more they know that doing it gets a reaction.
Now if I could just get mine to stop saying "goddamit" exactly like I do. LOL

Hi S.,

Both of my kids went through this, but I most recently went through this with my son. What I did is grabbed his hands and got right into his face. I did not let his hands go (he hated this). I would just tell him very sternly "No hitting. That hurts mommy and we don't hit." Then we would show him how to be gentle. Of course he would still continue to hit when he was frustrated - but we were consistent with this and the phase did not last long at all. He very rarely hit the other kids in daycare - so that is a plus. I would say to find what works for you and your son as every child reacts differently.

Good Luck!

S.,
Since you noted you are signing with him I think you have a great opportunity to incoporate that into your solution. I do with my 17 mo and it has been working beautifully. Because she is starting to recognize emotion and cause/effect, well it is really just one more reason why baby sign is so great. The use of dramatic facial and hand gestures really helps her understand. When she hits out of frustration, I might show her a sad face so she knows the effect was to make me sad then I sign gentle with calm face and fluid movements. It transitions her emotion to that state as well. I ask her to show mommy how she can be gentle and it is usually followed with some petting of my face, a hug/kiss, and a sorry sign. The other thing we learned that was helpful was to teach her the sign for help. When we see her getting frustrated, we ask if she would like help. Those two things have headed off a lot of battles. I like Dr. Vicar's site because he really describes the theatrics that give a sign it's proper meaning. http://www.lifeprint.com/index.htm
There are definitley other free sites more geared toward infant/baby sign though.
Best of luck!
M.

The turning point for us was when we started to use the phrase "We do not hit in this family. That is not what we do." Then the child can realize that this is a group thing, not just a law that is being set upon him. It really worked quite well for us.

Also, the time outs for us needed to be on a stair...nothing comfy or nice like a couch. Good luck!

S.,

My experience is that distraction works best at that age. They are so little, the more you dwell on the incorrect behavior, (talking about it, time outs for it, etc.) the more they engage in the behavior.

With my toddlers, when I see it coming, I distract. Let's go do this or let's look at this. My 23 month old has just started the hitting thing. Sometimes she is angry and sometimes it's just experimental to see what happens. When she raises her hand to hit, I stop her hand with mine and we practice "gentle" and "soft." We practice on her, on me, on her siblings, on the cat, on the toys. Practice, practice, practice. Now, if I see her raise her hand to hit, sometimes just the verbal que "gentle" will be enough that she will start softly stroking whatever she was about to hit.

It doesn't always work. Sometimes she still hits. Then I say, "Oh, let's be GENTLE" and really emphasize that word because that's the behavior I want. I have her hug the person or toy she hurt and practice, practice, practice those soft pats and gentle strokes.

This too shall pass. When they get a little older, you can start to help them express their feelings verbally. When they hit, you prompt them to say, "I am angry." "I am mad." "I don't like that." When we are upset, this is how we tell people. We don't hit. We tell our feelings. It's a slow process, but they will get there.

Good luck,
S.

My son is 15 months and has also started his "terrible twos" a bit early [actually he started at 13 months]. He hits, bites, screams, scratches, and has recently discovered he can kick while I change his diaper. I think it is normal, and it sounds like you are doing fine. I would suggest continuing the stern "no hitting!" and tell him, "that hurts mommy" or "i don't like it when you hit me" or something like that. When you put him on a time out, make sure he cannot see you. The isolation is terrible for any child but that is why time-outs are so effective. The distraction, the little bit of time to cool off and break the bad mood. Also, what I have done with my son is show him how to "be gentle" by taking his hand and stroking your arm. My son also hits the cat, and after doing this, now I just have to say "be gentle" and he will pet him nicely. I also try to think of the root cause of his behavior. I go through the list in my mind.... Is he tired? did he not sleep well last night? starting to get hungry? did the fruit at lunch give him a sugar rush? Have I been on the phone or at the computer a bit too much and he needs some more attention? how have I stimulated his mind so far today? have we been outside yet today? has he had a chance to run around and burn off some energy? Or is this purely a toddler power struggle? Sometimes he gets into a negative mood and continues to misbehave until I figure out what he really needs [since he can't tell me yet]
Most of the time, however, I think he is just testing the waters to see how I will react, or to see how far he can push it before I lose my patience.
Another thing I have learned is to pick my battles and try to understand where he is coming from, and his mental ability and how he communicates. Sometimes I get really frustrated, but then I think to myself...okay, he basically only points and screams to communicate his needs/desires, so at this point in his life, how else is he supposed to communicate his anger or frustration?

-I just wanted to add: Another thing I realized is that as time went on, I started slacking with baby-proofing. He started walking at 8 months and at that point everything was out of reach. But I tend to let the dining room table get cluttered with mail, my bags, books, ...basically that is my place to set things down. When my son was tall enough to reach up there, I found myself taking things away from him all day long. It was my fault that I was getting so frustrated with him. I made an excuse for myself: well he understands "no" and should be listening to me when I say it to him! ....But of course he will want to explore everything he can get his hands on. He is learning every day and my bags and books are especially interesting because I wont let him have those things! So I've done my best to re-baby proof the room for a taller toddler and that has made things a lot easier

don't be upset and try saying keep your hands to yourself. don't give your hands away.

I have the same situation with my son who will be 2 this month. I do the exact same thing by telling him no and giving him a time out. We also sign sorry and give appologies & hugs to those involved. I also add the appropriate things to do with our hands: make nice, clap, hand shake, etc. and ask him to show me. He seems to get it, but he does test us by going right back and hitting. I know he's testing because he looks right at me to see what I'm going to do, and I repeat the same consequence. He's my 3rd child and the only one that I can say is going to go through EVERY "terrific two" scenerio! Lots of luck.