Estranged Grandmother WWYD?

Morning S.;

My only suggestion is treat her as an aquaintance rather than a mother. If she were a friend you would give her
the information she asked for!
People change, so give her space and time!
Remember a forgiving heart does not keep you awake at night!
B. C.

Have you ever asked her why? Maybe she thinks you don't want her there. Her comment sounds as though she thinks she is not allowed to see the boys and it was her attempt to place guilt on you. What happened 5 years ago?

S.:

I would not give an inch to her. SHE chose not to be involved in her own grandchildren's lives, so you have NO obligation whatsoever to "help" her with her new charge. Also, tell her that showing this new child pictures of "her" grandchildren is unacceptable as technically she is not a grandmother to them at all. Write her off.

Good luck. M.

We are in a similar situation w/ my MIL. She never comes around at all. Has only seen our 2 little ones 1 time in their whole lives and they are 2 and 3 yrs old. I used to make effort but do not anymore. Children are a tremendous blessing and its her loss that she is not involved in their lives not my kids. My kids are surrounded by all the love that they need! I would just let it go. Regrets are something that come with time and something people seldom get over. As long as it has been her choice, then your conscience should be clear and you have nothing to fret over:)

D.
moms helping moms work from home:)
http://www.formyrugrats.com

S.,
It sounds like you are a really great Mom and truly love your two sons. Sometimes events happen in people's lives that cause them to be self-centered and even neglectful to others they should love and nurture. This was the case with my Mom. As a child I never experienced her as a nurturing mother...always distant and harsh. What I know now as an adult is that she was in bitterness toward my father (adultery) and that anger tainted all her relationships. I became a christian as a 21 year old woman, and tried to honor my Mom (birthday cards, etc.) although I was never close to her. Looking back I can see how after all those years of neglecting me..in her old age she tried to develop a relationship with me and my daughters by reaching out to us....but I thought it was too late. Now that she has passed away and I am a mom and grandmother I regret not accepting her and being compassionate toward her desire to heal and restore the relationship. Try giving her the gift of "no condemnation" and a chance at a fresh start...if she wants it she will take it. The greatest part of this will be that you will always know you did your best...and who knows someday you may need your children to forgive you...
Love never fails....I Cor. 13
I will pray for you
D.

It's okay to say goodbye for good! If she doesn't make the effort, than you aren't obligated! That's so sad that she doesn't want to be a part of her grandkids lives. Take care of your sanity and heart!

Leave that door wide open for her to walk back into
your life. You will have no regrets later, especially
after she is gone from this world. It is of little
consequence why she does what she does and you have
no control over her actions. Armour yourself with
the peace that you cannot control others. I would
certainly like another chance if I had misbehaved in
such a way to hurt those I love the most.
I hope it is possible for you to keep the invitation
open while not having expectations. You may be surprised.
She may be having a hard time forgiving herself for the past. All this advice you are getting comes from good
intentional folks that have had their own experences in
life. I lost my mother when I was 11, 47 years ago.
I hope your lost mom finds her way back into your lives
and that this has a beautiful ending for all with no regrets.

See ya later...that is beyond hateful and if that's her way of reaching out, get her some etiquit (sp) classes for her birthday!

My MIL is similarly toxic. My husband and I explained the boundaries of our lives to her when we married and she didn't speak to us for a year. It slowed her manipulation and selfish behaviors down somewhat, but they've never truly stopped. Recently, my husband went through a very bad depressive episode and we are lucky and blessed that he is here with us today. As a result of this episode, we have come to terms with the fact that his mother is a toxic person and unfortunately does not bring any good into our lives. It is very easy for others to talk about forgiveness and turning the other cheek, especially those who've never been in the same situation. In my opinion, your family is YOUR priority and if that means no contact then that's that. Our reason for keeping my MIL from playing a role in our lives is simple. I love my son and I don't want my MIL's behaviors to affect him in anyway - so I protect him. That's what mothers do. So, my advice would be to follow your heart and if there is nothing redeeming and nothing to be gained by continuing contact with her - then goodbye for good.

I know to many this seems callous, but sometimes life isn't as simple as 'turning the other cheek' when it's your children that you've sworn before God to protect.

Hard to tell from this what the issues are exactly. Does your mother have mental health issues? Is she an alcoholic? Is her lack of interest something that happened suddenly, and if so, do you know the cause of it? Or is it a longstanding lack of maternal interest going back to your childhood that you hoped would change with grandchildren?

My own parents have been quite distant for long periods. They divorced when I was 17 and seemed, for some years, to lose all interest in me. I was such a mess by the time they divorced that it was like they created a huge mess and then just split, with each blaming the other for the disastrous outcome. So I have some familiarity with the pain of parental rejection. In my case, once I had worked on my feelings of abandonment in therapy and 12 step recovery (for children of alcoholics and my own alcoholism), that reconnecting with both of them with as much cordiality as I could spare without causing myself undue pain has been helpful in establishing my sense of myself as an adult whose standards of behavior are those I choose, not simply a automatic reaction to the behavior of others. I've found that if any action I take is tied to a hope that I would finally get the love and approval I've yearned for since childhood, it sets me up for pain, but simple, low-key acts of friendliness such as occasional brief emails, birthday cards etc., don't cost me much and free me of the lingering guilty feeling that I am somehow in the wrong, somehow causing my parents to reject me. Harriete Lerner's The Dance of Anger has good stuff about "cut-offs" in family systems, which is what you seem to have with our mother, and ways to ameliorate them rather than play into them. I guess on the basis of my experience, if I had a choice between pursuing my parents' attention and getting devastated again and again, or just "calling it quits," or certainly taking time off from pursuing a one-way relationship, I would definitely choose calling it quits. i did take quite a long break from pursuing a relationship with my father, which, oddly, caused him a lot of pain and led to him pursuing me after years of complete neglect -- human nature is a weird thing! -- but anyway, I guess with both parents I did need a break, a period when I stopped pursuing them and trying to get their attention. I didn't have a child at the time or it would have been much harder, I'm sure. But over the long run, once I had given up all hope of my parents and I having the sort of close, supportive relationship I would ideally have liked, I did wind up with a closer relationship with them than I would have though possible -- regular phone calls, visits once or twice a year. I'm glad I made the effort to give up wanting more than they had to give, as it opened a connection of a sort between my mother and me that had never been possible, allowed me to accept what she did have, chilly and quiet though she was. I am glad that during the years she was dying of cancer, I was able to call her once a week to just let her know how I was doing and to hear how she was. I was with her when she died -- and at the time she went, I felt close to her. I know very well how disappointing very ill parents can be -- my mother was probably an untreated incest survivor and she had a life-pattern of picking mentally ill men on whom she became dependent. This was not fun for me, for sure, but I certainly couldn't change it. Finding what I could do, how I could be in touch with her as much as possible without getting hurt by her seeming indifference or by the sick men around her, was a worthwhile investment. I'm sure there are parents who are so sick that it just isn't possible to have any connection with them, although I can't imagine anyone so sick that one can't send a card once in awhile, send pictures of the kids and good wishes. Certainly, if you pray, no one is too sick to pray for. My favorite line on hurtful behavior from others, whoever they are, comes from some 12 step literature which advises that when someone hurts me, I should say to my Higher Power "God, this is a sick and damaged human being who, like me, presumably did not set out in life to be so."

Best wishes -- I really do know this hurts -- good luck also finding a healthy balance with your own kids -- I feel that I over-mother and over-nurture (and under-discipline) my daughter because my mother's distance and hostility were so awful for me as a child. At the moment, that is the hardest remnant of parental rejection in my own life.

M.

Your instincts are right on, this is awful. Do not let anyone tell you that you are wrong for feeling that way. She sounds very disturbed. I would even be worried about the child she is in charge of. No normal person does this when their daughter has children or ignores their own grandchildren.
I would recommend counseling for you in order to deal with it and to stay strong in listening to your own voice.
Bless you.

Have you tried to find out the reason she has not had contact and work it out with her?? Sometimes we just don't confront (to painful) the issues and try to work them out.

There are reasons why people act the way they do and most of the time it is deep and hidden and often very small & simple. Try to work it out--the choise is yours to be the bigger.

Praying for you because family, with all there prblems, it still very important. Remember we did not get a choice of parents or grandparents.

You didn't mention why she chose not to be a part of your sons lives. If you don't know for sure you might want to ask her so there isn't any miscommunication. She might be trying to change but isn't sure how. I would pray first and make sure also that I wasn't harboring any bitterness or un-forgiveness toward her (that only hurts you). Unfortunately there are some relationships that are best kept at a distance but it would be a shame for that to happen with your own mother. Also, I would let her know how hurtful her behavior has been. If she still chooses to not be a part of her own grandchildren's lives then just remember, she is the one missing out. Make sure you are doing your part to make things right. God bless!

I am not sure what her problem is. Did you have your kids out of wedlock? I would find out why she isnt part of your life. Some people are just odd and you take them or leave them. If she only contacts you once in a while and isnt a big part of your life I really dont see any reason to give her any kind of boot when she isnt really there. some day she might wake up or maybe not. Its always a learning experience for the kids on how not to treat people. Best of luck.

It sounds like she might be trying to reconnect. You don't have to spend a lot of time together, but you should honor her no matter what. You might invite her over to lunch, just the two of you, and ask honest questions, without getting defensive or accusing her of anything. Just to find out what really happened. I bet, I would sooooo bet, that both of you are harboring resentment over complete misunderstandings, miscommunication, and really petty stuff. I don't know that for sure. But, In the big perspective, most things that separate people are really silly and grow out of that horrible darkness called pride. Humble yourself and you might be surprised at what new relationship you might find with your mom. Your negative feelings now may be right, but chances are you are missing out on something really important. Nevertheless, at the very least, continue to talk to her on a small talk scale and show her only respect just because she is your mom if for no other reason. There is a reason the Bible teaches us to honor our mother and father. It doesn't say you have to like them or follow their footsteps. But, you do need to show them honor. **Forgiveness is a wonderful thing for your own soul - even if the other one doesn't ever ask for it.**

Find a nice website for her to refer further questions to. Buy her a book. I would not perpetuate this relationship. Gone for 5 years then calls out of the blue to ask about what to do with her new charge? This does not sound healthy. It sounds to me like she is using you to play grandma to someone else's child (and wants you to know it), or using this child to get back into your life. Either way is not healthy. This is not normal.
Why does she have photos of your children, if she is estranged? No photos fr grandma to "use" JMO.
Grandparents don't "use" their grandchildren's photos period, let alone to gain trust. Sounds strange to me.
I wish you luck and strength through this. We too have one estranged grandmother. It is hard, but they are adults and make their own choices, but it is our job to protect our children.

I had a similar situation with my mother. I wrote her a letter telling her that I wanted her in my life and in my children's lives, but if that was going to happen, it would be according to my rules. If, at any time the rules were broken, I would cut her off forever! Then, I listed out everything that was really improtant in order for us to have a relationship (no manipulating me or my children, don't come between me and my husband... he will always win!, I explained the morals that were acceptable to me and told her not to cross the line). I now have everything in writing. There's very little gray area, and she can't say she didn't know either! It's not an easy thing, by any means, but if we were going to have a relationship, I had to feel safe! Things are much better 3 1/2 years later. We are not best friends and we don't see each other often, and that's okay with me! It changed our relationship... I took my power back! I hope everything works out, and I really sympathize with your situation!

The first question is, do you really, deep down, want a relationship with your mother? What happened five years ago that sent her away? If she has pictures of your sons, then there is some kind of contact there. Maybe this is a feble attempt on her part to reestablish a relationship. She is acknowlegding your expertise in raising children, otherwise, she would have gone to the local library. There's something here that you aren't saying, yet you expect someone else to tell you what to do.

I understand this is "just the tip of the iceberg", but do you WANT her involved in your boys' lives? Yes, it's entirely her choice, but don't use your sons as "weapons" against her either. Forgive, let it go, do what you can. Maybe being a "nanny" will make her want to be a granny!!! If she hasn't done anything physically harmful to you or your sons, she's the one who's lost in seeing them grow up. Don't be bitter, don't be mean, just be helpful and give her information - or don't, but don't be cruel. You never know what God's intending and you don't want to get in the way. It'll be hard, but don't give up. My husband's mother never held her one and only grandson - kept saying why didn't you have a girl.....never bought him a gift, never came to birthday parties or holidays, but I always made certain she was invited. It was HER choice and when she passed away, I didn't have to feel guilty - I did MY job. It'll be hard, but it'll be best. Good luck

It's a very big deal to realize that ending certain familial relationships is necessary for your health, especially when it's your mother. Congratulations to you for such a bold move! I hope that it works out well for you.

In my opinion, you left out alot of details. Who started this and why? YOu probably don't even remember. My mother felt a slight from her MIL when I was a small child so did not take us to family events. I am now a grown-up and understand why she felt the slight but regret getting to know all my cousins/aunt/uncles. Kids need more than you to turn to in live.
This obviously hurts you so I would plan a meeting with your mom at a neutral location where you can talk and share your feelings. You have to get the anger/hurt out of you-what she does with it his her choice.
You don't want your children resenting you later in life for keeping them from family. It has taken me sometime to get past resenting my mom for her mistake. On the bright side, I have contacted those relatives as an adult and have formed relationships with them now and so glad that I did.

It sounds like your mom was reaching out to reconnect. Why has she negated your relationship? Have you ever asked? My mother had the same relationship with my grandmother after my grandmother said something she shouldn't have. Instead of making up and moving on, my mother and grandmother were estranged until my grandmothers death. My mother has not gotten over it. Are you a Christian? I think in this case the question should be WWJD? Do you part to try to renew your relationship. Your mother loves you and if you do your part and it still doesn't work out, you know in your heart that you tried. Don't burn your bridges.

Let her read. If she does not want to see her own grandchildren of her own choice. I would not want her to be in my own child's life.

Personally, that sounds a little creepy. Is she trying to reach out, or is this her usual M.O.?On its face, I would just let her go her own way, as long as that is the healthy choice for you. Don't let other people tell you how you should feel. Do what is best for you and your family.

Wow, I totally know how you are feeling. My mother has not been a grandmother to my 6 month old since day one, nor has she ever been much of a mother to me either. I know that hurts to hear your momther is taking care of a random child but has not been much of anything to her own blood grandchildren. Well, first of all do you want your mother in your life? Second, you have to understand and accept your mother for who she is, once your able to do that and move on with your own life it becomes easier, ACCEPTANCE OF THE WAY SOMEONE IS, is a hard thing to do, I am still struggling this with my mother, In my situation, I stopped trying to MAKE her participate in my son's life, this was a way for me to change who she was into something I wanted her to be, you can't do that, it doesn't work, therefore I have let her be and if she wants to see my son she can but it's not that often and I have come to realize that is how she is and this is part of hte acceptance battle I am going through. I hope this helps.

L.