Mom Cliques

"Be the change you want to see."

If you don't like trash talk, give compliments. If you don't like gossip, bring up the news. Be especially nice to their kids (not presents or anything, just pay attention to their strengths).

They'll grow up someday. You're already there!

The more you pay attention to it, the more it grows. Be the way you want people to be, and relax about the rest. Know that each person is doing the best he/she can, given what they know at that moment. Spread some love, joy, and forgiveness.

Sadly, jr. high just never seems to end for some ladies. Yes, there are mom cliques in my neighborhood and school. It's almost worse than from what I remember in jr. high and high school! I still volunteer at school, but like another poster brought up you can tell who is in the volunteer gang and who isn't. I volunteered at a couple parties at my dd's school last year and when I arrived they were already in the thick of things and didn't even acknowledge that I was there and I had to ask another newbie what I could do to help. I even got the once over looks from some of the cliquey moms and then they went off to whisper or just stayed to themselves. I won't let this keep me home though, I will continue to volunteer at the school.
My neighborhood is the worst...we are all divided into little groups depending on where our kids go to school...public, open-enroll to another district, or the worst...the private school. The private school moms have taken over the social environment of our neighborhood and they think they are sooo much better than the rest of us. It's sad. It's one of the main reasons we are thinking of moving in the next few years. Like someone else said too, it's not just the moms...it trickles down to the kids and the kids of the non-cliques start getting left out.
So yes, cliques are everywhere even now that we're moms. I've just started ignoring them and trying to get to know other moms like me who are genuinely interested in forming a friendship w/ me. You are not alone!

we were at a "christian" school in bloomington for two years and the behavior of the parents and school leadership was so disgusting and decidedly non-christian that we left. The public school teaches the kids qualities that we expected at the christian school. The moms are welcoming and inclusive. I haven't experienced the clique thing at the public school. I'm sorry to hear from so many of you that you are continuing to experience the jr. high years.

I get the cliques, and all: I've seen it all my life. But what really hurts, and if a mom is in a clique: maybe you can shed light on this: if the moms don't like you, then your kid gets left out. Out of parties, gatherings, outing. All of it, that's just wrong, and unkind.

That's wrong. Most of the responses here are from people not in cliques: what is the viewpoint from the behavior from someone in cliques? Why are you in a clique? Where does that come from? Do you not stop and recognize your meanness?

I'm not in a clique, I won't let cliques stop me from volunteering or going on field trips, or saying "hello."

We have cliques in our neighborhood, and in the school. The school one is awful: moms will actually stand, with me in between at pick up time, and talk over my face as if I"m not there. They'll discuss what a fun weekend they had, and what their kids did together. Now, even at an early age, I knew it was rude to discuss things in front of the ones that weren't involved.

So, moms in cliques: are you like this b/c your moms were? Or do you just not care about people's feelings? Or are you really as awful as us non cliques moms think you are?

That's who I"d like to hear from, the other side.

M.: wonderful that you brought this up, I just suffer through on a daily basis at school, church, playgroups. It's difficult some days, but then I just stand up straighter and walk through the women. I read something once that was so funny: and I think of it often "There are few things that a good haircut and good posture can't fix."

Funny, anyhow: don't get too sad, M.: and don't let them rule the roost at school and church. Your kids need to see you involved. When you look back on your life, you don't want to see missed opportunities b/c of someone's mean spirited ways. Any decision you make, think "what will it mean 5 or 10 years from now."

Continue to greet the nasty moms with a smile: and don't let them "bully" you out of your children's lives. Good luck, sweetie... and don't be like the rest, but rise above the rest.

This question and the responses really surprised me because I have been volunteering in public schools for 8 years and haven't noticed any "mom cliques." However, it also made me think and wonder what constitutes a "mom clique?" I do find myself frequently talking to the same group of moms simply because we work together most often. It isn't because our kids hang out together or for any reason other than that we see each other most frequently. I also think we've been welcoming to other parents, and the group of moms is subject to change depending on the particular activity, but it makes me wonder if some people would consider that a clique. I've never witnessed or participated in any kind of "trash talk" or gossip about other moms, and I've never seen or heard of kids being excluded from playdates, birthday parties, etc. because of their moms' relationships. We also have dads who volunteer at our school, and although I think they often feel outnumbered, I think, from what I can tell, they feel welcomed. My kids attend a very diverse school, and although the differences can sometimes keep people from developing close relationships, I've always seen parents be very supportive of other parents. Thank you for raising this issue, and I will keep this in mind in my future communications and relationships with other parents.

I think you can find immature, wretched behavior from adults (!) anywhere!
I get really angry when moms trash-talk one of the children in school. That's just pathetic. Grow up already!!!

Hi M. -
I attended both parochial and public elementary schools as well as a parochial HS. Unfortunately, kids learn friendship skills from their parents - so, if you see this behavior trickling down to their kids that is why.
I have had volunteered some at the school and have found some gossip but quite honestly I think most of the volunteers (moms esp) know I just don't stand for it. I'm not mean about it - I just change the subject and try to turn it around to being more positive. Maybe another solution to try , , , suggest the school DO MORE for parents support. Explain to the teacher/principal what you see going on and why you may leave. Knowing that their school is hurting for enrollment (eventually) b/c of people feeling left out would be a great way for the teachers to get involved. Obviously you'd want to come at it as an anonymous issue - but, it wouldn't hurt. I know when my dtr was in PreK, we tried to have a mom's night out once to bring the moms together to create more connection. It was fun but not as well attended as I thought it could be. What it usually comes down to (in my opinion) - public schools have kids/families in close proximity. Our school has kids coming from all over - we drive a little farther than most - we don't always get asked for playdates but it's hard to determine if it's b/c of distance or friendship groups. I've noticed that I feel less threatened in community groups/sports b/c we have more in common with the parents and kids. Good Luck! Yes, pray, . . . pray....pray! God will help you get thru this trying time!

It was horrible at our last school. I did everything to try to overcome it, but it seemed like the mom's knew each other when they were pregnant, did play dates starting very early and all attended a few state colleges as sorority sisters and had 'graduated' to the SAHM sorority. The ring leader was the most wretched person I have come in contact with, she even brought in peanut laden cookies for Christmas to a class with a child with a severe peanut allergy. She said her child shouldn't be deprived of peanut cookies just because of another child. What a freak! I volunteered, did the team sports, everything short of going to "the" Baptist church which I could NOT do, to help my kids fit in. We moved - but as a parting gift to me - she arranged a 'Going Away' party for another child leaving who was in my child's Girl Scout Troop, softball team, and class, and didn't invite my daughter. When one of the other moms asked if she could please be included, she said if my daughter was invited, she couldn't attend and probably half of the others couldn't either. She has serious issues. I know this exists everywhere, but definitely having not gone Greek, being a working mom with a real career, and having gone to a top college in CA not TX, I guess that is just too much for her to bear. I seriously felt guilty selling our home to some fantastic people from Brazil. That "club" led by that bully is completely xenophobic, 'love your hair, hate your guts' women from hell. I am just grateful to be out of there. We love our new house, much better place, and you know what, Living Well is the Best Revenge. And tomorrow when she wakes up and looks in the mirror, she'll still see the same hate filled, wizened, hard partying face and you know what, she's earned it!

We don't have cliques necessarily (public elem) but I have noticed that some moms (doesn't happen with the dads) can get very possessive about stuff like volunteering. They beg us to volunteer and when you show up, you can tell which parents are in the hard-core-professional-volunteer clique. More tedious and funny than anything else. Maybe it is harder for cliques to form at our school since it is pretty diverse (racially, work, education, etc.)...It would be difficult for a parents to find enough parents that are "just like them" to actually form a clique.

Yes, sadly, ours does. This comes from generations of families that seem to "rule" the school and church and it just gets worse as each generation becomes less respectful and full of themselves.

My 5th child is now in a parochial high school (they all went K-12 parochial before her) and it is misery. She cries every day because of how she is treated, so I am seeking other schools. The cliques just go on and on and, sadly, that is how they distinguish themselves from one another, by cruelty. *sigh*

Best wishes with your journey,,,

Hi M.-

I'm sorry you're experiencing that. We moved to the area 1.5 years ago, and I have to say that the Catholic school my kids go to is wonderful! The other parents have all been very welcoming and we have been invited to lots of parties and I'm even in a book club with a bunch of the moms. They are a great group of women. We all have different situations (some work part or full time and some of us stay home.) We vary in age. Everyone is great. Since your kids are so young, maybe you'd think of changing schools. I know that's a big thing to do, but I could not be happier at my kids' school. It's such a welcoming community and it's really the one thing I'm going to miss when we someday move again. (It's inevitable with my husband's job.) Whatever you decide to do, best of luck and hang in there!

-L.

Being a single mom, I only notice that my son and I are not included in very many things. Play dates and things. Since I don't have time for PTO or to help at school very often, they don't really shun me, I just don't feel very connected. I do the halloween and Valentine's parties, but that's about it. Now, the one thing I learned at work this week- through a communication seminar I was involved in, Most people don't realize what they are doing. They are probably not intentionally trying to be rude, they honestly just don't know they are doing it. Maybe next time they are talking over you, you can smile and say, My child and I sat at home this weekend- or we went to the park together. The other side of this is, they probably do not realize that you are left out- they figure you are doing things with other people( I learned that from my son's little league last year). Let them get to know you and your son, even if it involves interjecting into their conversation with out being invited- after all, if they are talking over you-they have put you in the middle- right?

You need to pray for those people, and then not worry about it anymore! If they are doing those things are they really Christians???

you can say things when overhearing stories.. like, nice simple things. like if they are trashing someone, say "well, maybe shes going through a tough time right now, its hard to say what someone is dealing with underneath the person we are seeing. we should try to be a bit more understanding and pray for others instead of tearing them down"

you dont have to use a tone, just state it simply. this is exactly the mentality that turns people AWAY for Christianity, and those ladies should be ashamed of themselves.

Yes, we have that issue at my dds' elementary school. I feel sad reading other people's responses, that they don't go to school as much or volunteer as much because of it. I do not fit in with the majority of the other moms at my kids' school, but that WILL NOT stop me from being there for my kids. I eat lunch with them at school, volunteer, participate in any way I can. I am not going to let the other moms take that away from me, or, more importantly, my kids. Kids LOVE to have their mom at school (until they get older!) and I am going to be there. I just keep to myself and don't chat with the other moms, unless I really know them. I don't let it bother me, I am bigger than that. For the moms who are letting this keep you at home, please think about it again, your child needs/wants you there. Don't let the bullies win.
S.
mom of 3 and daycare provider for 20+ yrs

wow..why do you feed into then?? not trying to be rude here-my kids went to public schools..same issues..i was always trash talked for being a single working parent..after a couple rounds of hearing it.i walked away..never joined in anymore of the events..my kids always did..you need to toughen up..who cares what they say or think..are they paying your bills,putting food on your table,dealing with your day to day troubles an issues?? nope...just keep on keepin on..ppl like this are bored,insecure an negativty joins negativity...im quite surprised this is going on in a christan school...hmmmm not very god like is it??..just you worry bout your kids and your responsibilites...they only affect you if you let them...i would go to school plays,picnics etc.smile.hold my head up high...i did however at one event bring a male friend with-big black guy..hahaha...we got a pretty good chuckle out of the stares and whispers from these stuffy,uptight,snob nosed gossippers...im not a big fan of raciest ppl.my job transfered me shortly after that...it was good to leave little canada....good luck...

Yes, there are mommy cliques at my son's school which is Catholic. I am just beginning to understand how left out of birthday parties and other special events that my son has been left out of because I am not part of the Mommy clique. it is so sad. I am giving serious thought to leaving this school.

OMG YES and it's like highschool all over again. They are the biggest brown nosers too..They have this competition of and status of who has the most volunteer hours. It's disgusting. I'm 29 with a 8yr.old, I had my daughter at the age of 21 and they look at me and treat me like I'm some young teenage idiot. This was public school, so we switched to a Catholic school last year and I decided to not even get to know these moms. I only go to school when absolutely necessary now. The mom's at the Catholic school are even older than me like real old and have money so I'm sure I would really not fit in. I do like the private school the kids are nicer but I just decided to stay away from meeting new mommy friends at school. As I remember back it was like this in preschool too with the carpools etc.. It sucks because if I'm not a part of the "mommy clique" then my daughter isn't invited to birthdays and playdates.