Moms Who "Do It All" Then Whine and Complain

You have to realize some people are not happy unless they are unhappy.
If they had nothing to complain about they'd be miserable.
They've set things up exactly as they like them and they will fight tooth and nail to keep things this way.
Don't let anything they say bother you.
You don't have to prove anything to them.
Unfortunately they are ruining things for the kids this year but they can be voted out next year.

When my kids were younger and I still worked full time, I asked and asked for something I could do evenings or weekends. I offered to do the newsletter from home, (this is mid to late 90's), help work the carnival, among other things. All I would ever get back was things like, "Oh, we need someone to meet with the DARE Officer, Tuesday at 10." Then they got their panties in a wad when I said no, I was working!

Which is one reason, when I quit working, I got involved in a local charity that really did need and appreciate my help.

Go to the head of the district, explain the situation and tell them that you want to be able to "assist" with thier problems but that they are refusing to co-operate and are berating other parents infront of the children.

Honestly-I really do not understand how this is happening. As the PTA president at my kid's school we are DESPERATE for help and would never turn away anyone. When we get a new parent who seems interested in helping we just about do a happy dance. Sadly, we really do not get that much help. IT really is the same people doing everything. The thing is, if we are perceived as a clique it is because we haver really got the chance to get to know one another as we are pretty much the only ones constantly involved. The funny thing is that I see so many of those parents who won't do one blessed thing to make their children's school a better place give countless hours with their kid's sport teams so I NEVER EVER want to hear that there is not the time. There is the time-people just choose not to use it on their child's education. I would say only a very small percentage of parents truly cannot help.
It is hard to give you advice without knowing all the details of your particular situation. Honestly, your school sounds a little disfunctional.

Edit to add: Honestly after reading some of these bitter responses I am getting the feeling that many moms are actually jealous of us "super moms". Seriously-you are putting yourself back in high school where you were probably in the fringe-making fun of the popular people that you would give anything to join. Somewhere at some point someone in the PTA has made you feel inferior and you are using that to hate on all parents who help out at the school.
And if I might add-if your PTA is taking things "in house" and not letting anyone do it there is a GOOD chance that somebody has F'd it up somehow and they have had to do triage. Sometimes it IS easier to do it yourself rather than jumping in to clean up a mess. In the school situation first of all-when things go wrong it is never the committee chair that is responsible it is always the president. Additionally, many times there are safety issues to consider. I have had moms put the kids in jeopardy by their poor management skills. Lastly-if your PTA is not a 501 3c then your PTA president can be personally liable for anything that goes wrong. Some things to think about when you are wondering why they are keeping cetain things to themselves. I can asure you if somebody with competence stepped up to do something they would probably be very happy.

I am so sorry this happened.

I was PTA President at 2 different schools and these schools PTA's had the reputation for being exclusive.

We turned it around and made it VERY "inclusive".

It ended up kind of pushing out the VERY few parents that seemed to have some sort of clique..

In the future, volunteer to be a chair of a committee. Maybe it could be "communication" Then gather some other PARENTS, (yes, include dads, step parents, guardians.. all types of people.. .. Run the website and make sure each committee chairperson sends in their list of signed up members with their contacts and then all of the dates and locations of all meetings and volunteer activities. Be specific and make it a Sunday night email with a Wed.. update with Thank you type shout outs..

Make sure on a weekly basis there is a list of all activities having to do with the activities, volunteers needed, teach assistance needed and office help needed..

This is what we did and it turned the whole place upside down..

The other thing we did was ASK people to help.. We found about 90% of the volunteers had been asked by someone from the PTA.. It SEEMED to the other parents there were cliques, when in reality there were very few.. The majority were all just parents wanting to volunteer but did not know who to ask or felt like they did not have anything to offer.

We also did NOT keep tabs on who helped and who did not.. Instead we kept our energy on what we could accomplish with those that did participate.

One year parents said they felt like the schools annual School "Halloween Carnival" was too much work.. So we put it out there we were going to cancel, because we just did not have much interest.. OMG! The place went wild.. All of a sudden tons of parents started calling, emailing saying they were willing to help..

We also always had parents who never were happy with the projects, fund raising, and use of the PTA funds. We turned that around by putting THEM in charge of whatever they complained abut..

The mom that complained about a lack of volunteers? Was granted the honor of being in charge of all of the Volunteers and finding new volunteers. She also started a new parents group.this committee held a gathering at least once a month (even in the summer) for new parents, matching them up with a "Parent Partner" as their own contact person..

The Dad that complained he thought the School website was "awful" He became the chair of the "Technology committee".. The mom that complained about the landscaping and playground area? Chair of the "Playground and landscaping committee".

We had a planning committee and a budget committee.. The lists go on and on.. We replaced the entire playground with a 3 year plan and parents are the people that helped build it with the guidance of the company installing it. Saved us $15,000.. on a $150,000. Top of the line playground.

The sport court? Totally installed by 8 dads in 2 hours.. The company came and oversaw the instillation.. They said they had never had one installed so quickly and with such over educated people.. Many were engineers, a Professors, 2 Architects..

We made sure that the parents that wanted to help, but had large families, 2 parents working, single parents etc.. Became classroom teacher helpers. The teachers each had a list of parents they could call and see if these parents could help from their homes.

It just takes a few people to stand up and ask/voulnteer to ask for change. Make it non confrontational..

"It feels like only a few parents seem to do most of the volunteering." "We would like to consider some changes as to how to volunteer on Our campus..."

Then put it out there and be willing to implement it.

PTA's are not run or supervised by the school districts or the Principals.. They are supposed to be a help to the campus , not a pain in the Bu##.

Remember every Officer in the PTA has to attend training (it is only once, but does last at least half of a day, sometimes a whole day). There are very set rules and bylaws.. But once you all can become a group with a clear focus, it makes it easier for everyone to participate.

We do ask the people we know have done it, will do it, and it is easier to ask the people we already know to help out with projects. If your PTA parents don't know you, it's harder for them to call you out of the blue and ask you to help with box tops for instance!

Our school has sign up sheets posted all year for the various events and committees. The people on those lists are the ones who get asked to do things. Otherwise you need to let them know you are willing and available, so they know to ask!

As far as the church group, our school doesn't allow volunteers that haven't filled out the school's volunteer form and been through a background check with the district. So we couldn't allow anyone who hadn't to help, even though we always could use more hands/eyes/ears!

The PTA parents always get a bad rep, it's sad to me. I joined, volunteered, gave input, and invited anyone to join me after the meeting for a coke/drink/appetizer, several moms came and they were so easy to get to know! It only seems hard because we can make it that way. Some people do already have their set groups of friends, that doesn't make them unfriendly or not open to making new ones. And it IS frustrating being one of the "20% of the people that do 80% of the work"! The people on the PTA aren't there to run things their way, but usually hardworking parents who want their Childrens school to run efficiently and successfully. I say if you can't beat them, join them!

Oh boy! This just might open up a HUGE can of worms. However, I do understand your concerns.

I have been on several different PTAs & PTOs. We have moved A LOT!!! While in CA, the PTA screamed it is not a closed door organization. I pushed my way in. Now I had the ability to do so because I was a stay at home mom. It took a couple of years to oust the old PTA President (They hold office usually for 2 years in a row) and once that was done, the new president did have an open door policy. She put it out there for EVERYONE in the school. She had meetings twice a month. One meeting was in the morning and the next was in the evening at 7pm which gave parents who worked full time the opportunity to attend. Now when we moved to AZ we had a PTO. UGH! These people were all over the place and played who can top who. It was absolutely ridiculous, but again I pushed my way in. Once in, I did not like it because they were exactly how you described. We were only there for about a year. So happy!!! Now, we are back at a PTA with a twist! This PTA has some really nice people. We started mid school year so there were no open positions. However, I put it out there for me to be able to volunteer. I have been asked to help at after school & evening activities, as well as help provide food and snacks for the teachers for special occasions. The big thing with all the PTAs and PTOs is background checks. If you do not have a background check, then you are less likely to be called to help when it involves the children. Now, back to this PTA. Our school district is building a new school and split our community in half (a whole other story not related), so now we need to start a NEW PTA. I attended a meeting for the new school and I was one of four parents who raised their hands to help get it started. We had to do the by-laws and form a nominating committee. This was all at a meeting that took place at 7pm. Any parent who worked and who was in attendance could have volunteered. The new principal is going to make sure there is flexibility within the PTA so ALL parents can help. My thought is she will do like what was done in CA, both morning and evening meetings.

My recommendation to you would be to first sit down with your principal, but be warned, he/she may have a close relationship with the PTA Pres and staff. She may not want to tick them off because they do gift money to the schools and with the TX budget cuts they are going to rely on them. If it does not work going to the Principal, then check out this site txpta.org. You may be able to find the district head and talk with them about your concerns. You should not have to go through this. Another thought is to just call the PTA president and see what board positions are available. There are several that do not require you to be doing it all during the day time.

There are a lot of PTAs that just do not allow this behavior. You are a parent and as long as you have become a member, you should be able to help.

Good luck!

I am one of those annoying PTO moms, but hear me out. My children attend a school that is a public charter school. In our school, each classroom has a "room mom", who is the person that is suppose to get the parents' of the students for that particular class involved in volunteering at least an hour a week for special events, send supplies for their teachers, come in to interact with the kids whether it be story time or class parties or field day. In saying that, the parents of the students are "required" to participate in such events. They can send monetary contributions, bake cupcakes, send in supplies.. whatever is requested. I have found that in trying to get people to volunteer for such things is ridiculously daunting and frustrating, because no one wants to do it. They all signed a contract with the school, promising to contribute at least an hour a week to the school, but when there comes a time when the school needs them, they do not comply. I understand that parents have to work. I understand that you can't ask off for every little field trip, class party, or book fair, and it's unfortunate that the PTO at your school is targeting the kids to make them feel bad because their parents don't contribute. But, in my case, the parents chose to send their kids to this particular school, in this environment in which the school cannot function without parental involvement. It is sad that a few absent parents give the whole group a bad name.

If you want a more positive group, get your friends together and run for PTO Chair. I'm sure the moms who have been doing most of the whining would be more than happy to step aside... I know I would have gladly handed over my PTO office... and my Band Parents office... and... and... Heck, I'm up for secretary again because no one wants to do it. I'm really looking forward to my youngest's high school graduation so that I can give up my office!

The problem I've encountered most is this: People say they are going to help and then they don't show up. It's incredibly frustrating and annoying to have to cover for people... There were many times where I had 10 or 15 new/different people lined up to help, sent the emails to confirm, and then during the day of the event, I got emails and phone calls from people saying they couldn't do it. So we went from 15 helpers to 5... It got to the point that I'd ask for twice as many volunteers as I needed just to cover the spots. And - guess who covered the spots? The same 10 people who always did.

As for compassion for the people who work? Excuse me! As PTO chair for 2 years and PTO member for more than I can count, let me tell you... We had a volunteer sign up at back to school night -- it was just a phone/email list so that if we needed something, we could put a plea out -- you know - for soda, chips, brownies, help, whatever. If I had nickel for all the people who refused to sign because "I work"... You work? We ALL work! I had all I could do to just bite my tongue and not let them have it. I was not asking for a bunch of time - just some chips, or an hour or two. It's always amazing to me that working parents can take a couple of hours off on a Friday to go skiing or to the beach, but they can't give a couple of hours at a middle school dance...

Unfortunately, as the kids get older, we need more help in the schools and get less and less. It is beyond frustrating to be in a meeting where you know there should be at least 40 parents (because there are 40 kids involved in the activity) and there are only 10... the same 10 from 5 or 6 families who are always there and who do it all.

YMMV
LBC

Wow! The Moms and Dads at our school are not like this at all. But I know groups can be this way and I'm sorry you have more than your share at your school. I'd say let those at your school quit. Maybe you'll end up like our school and PTA. Those that volunteer seem to do a lot of work, but I haven't heard too much complaining about it as far as others not helping. Our Fundraising Chair has a good attitude. If something takes too much work for the volunteers, we don't do that again and try to find something else. If someone wants to head up something new or has an idea, she lets them take the ball and run (so to speak) while making sure they have the support they need. She also doesn't stress if a position goes unfilled. We also have amazing support from our principal. Our president and past president are wonderful ladies, very encouraging and a lot of fun. I have heard it wasn't this way in the past though, so hopefully things will change for your school. Funny there are segments of our student population who are kind of snobby, (who has what toys, houses, clothes, cars, etc....) Then there are the most gracious people who truly have a lot but don't measure you or anyone else by what they or you have (does that make sense?) I try to think about and associate with the later group so I don't go bonkers.

Typical people who are being 'martyrs.'
ie: people who displays or exaggerates their discomforts to gain sympathy or admiration from others.
Then they complain, when they don't get it.
NOTHING will satisfy them.
They are Sabotaging... everything and themselves and turn-off would be helpers.
Then they complain about it, still.
And they pressure everyone... to participate.
When it should be VOLUNTARY.

That is why, I do NOT join the PTA... but I help. I don't want to be tied down and wrapped up into other people's dramas nor attitudes. I am an "independent." LOL

Sounds like they are a bunch of martyrs. Just keep doing what you can, and let them keep up their pettiness. I'm sure everyone else sees them for what they are.

Maybe you could organize some 'outside' of PTA activities to do with the moms who want to help... but can't work around THEIR schedules. Invite them to join, but make sure that you work it so that it benefits the mothers who would LIKE to participate, but usually left out.

I know how this goes. I think your best bet is to maybe write a letter to the PTA president being specific about your observations. Saying that there is a lack of communication between the PTA and the parent body. Saying exactly what the perception of parents is could put this back on them to come up with solutions. At our school, sometimes there will be one little blurb about something in one of the many e-mails and newsletters that come out, so they shouldn't be surprised when so many don't see it or don't help. But other times they send out e-mails and reminders, and even for something like the teacher appreciation lunches, they attach a spreadsheet that is linked, so you can sign up directly to help with things, just pop your name in. This works great.

I also do know that there will simply always be parents who don't help. Some because they have a bunch of kids and work a lot of hours outside the home. Some because they don't have enough money or resources, some because- yes they are lazy. Making parents volunteer won't work, and frankly, will lower the morale of the whole school community.

I would start with the letter, anonymously if you have to. But it sounds like they respect you so you might carry some weight.

Lol. I'm happy to let them do it and concentrate on other things. Our business donates to the school and I or my husband turn up to everything my child is involved in. I offer assistance/donations directly to my son's teacher. I must say however, that I am glad there are parents out there who are willing to take on the PTA duties.

EDIT: after seeing the post above I thought to myself, if I could take two hours off on Friday to go to the beach or skiing, or go to the midle school dance, I'd probably use that very precious rare free time without children and work to do something I enjoy. Thanks PTAers for taking up the slack. I do actually appreciate it, but it's not something I'm going to be involved in anytime soon.

I offer my help directly to the teacher, librarian or office ladies. This was after I figured out I didn't want to play the games with PTA moms. I put my name, phone number and email on the sign-up sheet that the "room-mom" set up and never heard a word from her. Then I overheard her telling another that she never gets any help from the other parents. Really irritated me .. so I volunteer in my own way and it's appreciated. I'm comfortable enough to not care what other people think - and I don't do the whole gossip thing so PTA is def not my thing.

.

Wow. I thought the PTA in my town could be rough in asking people to participate but at least they're good parents and pleasant people. They get a lot done all year long and are involved in so many different things that without the PTA's our schools here would suffer.

I'm not part of the PTA so far because, well, life has gotten in the way. I help out with things when I can but I support other organizations as well. Time is short and so is money, and my children are all active. We're active in our church and in Girl Scouts, and that means we're active in community charity and social work. We participate in school functions. When we're able, we participate in school fundraisers like book fairs, but because we're heavily involved in Girl Scouts the fundraisers often overlap and tap out our friends and families.

As for your situation, don't make yourself available for the drama part of it. Do what you can to help out when you can and don't take any of the criticisms personally. You know what you can do and you know what you accomplish. That's what matters. And having your children involved in the good things you do.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. It's the few, the proud, the elite über moms who really DO believe that they just do SO MUCH. QUITE annoying.
They need a better life, they need to get a grip.
Good for you for speaking up.
I almost bit off my own tongue at my first meeting when O. of "those moms" suggested wine be served at the school for an art show. I'm thinking (and biting the whole time): "Really...wine? At an elementary school? Put down the crack pipe, Super Mom!"

And for all of the Super Duper PTO/PTA Moms out there...here's a secret: the teachers and administration think you're a joke. They see right through the comments, the "good intentions" to what you can often be: cliquish, controlling helicopter moms.

S., my advice to you--focus on the REAL school activities--not the PTO activities devised for anyone else's sense of self-importance. It's an "I care MORE than any other mom, and I'll prove it by making up ridiculous plans, activities and other exclusionary events and just SEE how I SHINE!" mentality. Not sure what age your kid(s) are but it only gets....er....more interesting. Especially as the kids get older and they are...sniff.....sniff....not needed anymore!

OK..

"They prefer to only trust people they know personally with important tasks like ... cutting out box tops."

You need to read the above sentence from your post, an then re-read it again and again and again.

Really important things like cutting out box tops.... come on. You need to remove yourself from this situation and as another poster stated, volunteer/donate/whatever to an organization that is worthy.

On another note, take this as an EXCELLENT opportunity to teach your children about how inappropriate the parents actions/words are re: talking about 'lazy cheap parents' to students. Not to mention the fabulous biblical lesson of (I'm paraphrasing here) 'never let your right hand know what your left hand is doing', etc. Best of luck to you

I would suggest directly asking your children's teachers how you can help. Many teachers appreciate donations of art supplies, PE supplies, books etc. for the classroom. Offer to volunteer in the classroom (putting up the monthly bulletin board, reading to the kids, helping with art projects, helping with field trips). Ignore the PTA ladies and their drama and know that you have contributed the best you can.

When my girls were in elementary school, I had a similar situation. I had signed up to volunteer at a big year end event, I even took a 1/2 day off work. When I arrived, "my job" had been assigned to someone else. They kept telling me go here or there, etc. Finally, I stood up in front of everyone and told them straight out, "all you do is whine and complain, and when you get someone who is qualified and wants to help you push them away. You want to do it yourself, go ahead, I'm leaving and don't ever ask me to help again". I was asked to help again a few months, later, I said no.

It's time to just walk away. There are other organizations that want and need your help and financial contributions.

My son's band boosters at high school are the same way. About 5 women do all the work and complain constantly. But, when asked questions about when/where/what, they are not forthcoming with the details. They maintain a band booster FB page - which I linked to, only to see that it is basically a chat board for them.

They balk at the suggestion of emailing reminders and info to all the parents; they schedule meetings on days of the week when our kids *don't* have to stay late and practice - so it entails an entirely extra trip to the school at awkward hours; they recently held a raffle fundraiser - my son was never given tickets to sell. There is no sense complaining to the Band Director or the administration as it falls on deaf ears, and alienates the Band Director who loves them. Ah, heck, it's his first year, he'll catch on eventually and realize they are what is keeping 90% of the band parents from helping out.

Wow, I didn't realize how much I held all that in. Sorry, S., I didn't mean to hijack your post - but, gosh, I needed that!!! Thanks.

Anyhoo, my reaction is to withdraw completely from any of it. If my son needs something for band I will buy it. I try to just write a check to the school as a band donation annually. I will try again next year - then just continue to support my son and the band in small, quiet ways.

God Bless

Hahah! I'm not laughing at you and unfortunately I have no advice because we're not at that stage yet...
BUT, I read your title and immediately I thought PTA= Pain in The A$$ Moms
But after reading your post, I was right afterall!
Good luck!

Who has time for games? Let the chicken heads do their thing, just give them a pat as you walk by and tell them to keep up the good work. Then see your children's classroom teacher and you know that he/she will be delighted to have your help.

I'm a PTO mom & have been from day 1 when my son began Kindergarten we have held events to have others join we even did a survey to see why parents aren't joing & how we can help we held a pizza night to get those who don't know much to join huge flop then we started childcare for our meeting again a huge flop I have 3 kids I have went to all the meethings but now I have to bring my kids with me to all of them because I have no sitter (closest grandma has an ill husband & well she can't over see my 3 kids & her husband) i'm a SAHM of 3 & it really is getting annoying not to have more parent participation inthe events we plan for the school @ the PTO meetings (there is me & anohter lady) but when we need things for donations we have them or for the carnival we have people to sign up,we send out letters,we make phone calls,all our meetings & events are all on the school calendar if a change is made we send out a note to all students.The NIA has volunteered to come & help to our doings never are turned down,a local bible group volunteers & local buisnesses will donate I go & pick up the items.If any complaints are made we do them @ our meetings closed doors & there is nobody else in the building but us moms & the principal along with 2 teachers who have been there for us.I knew that going into the world of PTO is either a bitchy overbearing group or lack of parents & well I have the lack of parents I have never heard any complaints from others about our PTO if I do I will explode because it will come from some parent who has no idea what goes on in the meetings they have not attended 1 meeting & they can't argue with the fact that they don't know when they are it is on the school calendars,& the monthy news letter,plus notes from their teachers,plus it is on the bulletin in the hallway in front of the office with all things important need to know,plus all parents are notified at all parent teacher conferences.
Why did they send off the volunteers that was a big mistake they could of used that assistance.Now look they won't return I don't blame them.I choose to do this it is a part of me being a mom & my duty to help my childs school,we are a welcoming group we do things to curve others agenda & that isn't working either.I'm anxious to see wha next school year brings we will have 3 school closings & new students so in my mind maybe a few more parents will be happy to join the PTO, we are hosting a welcome to our school event this Thursday.If they do quit & do noting you have to act fast & go to the next PTA meeting but I bet they will still be there just to get a rise & see who all shows up.
Don't worry do what you can do that is all we ask from our group we pull strings & for the most part haven't failed yet.I'm a SAHM i'm busy from sun up to sun down I may not have a job where I clock in & out of for pay but at the end of the day i'm just as tired as the mom who had to clock in & out of but no $$$ for it,my schedules get busy I have things I need to do but I still make it to the meetings dinner on the table kids bathed,& in bed by bedtime.