Hi Moms,
Me and my husband had a HUGE argument tonight and I'm extremely hurt and angry. One of my son's can be very difficult. He has been diagnosed by his teachers and a therapist as having a Spectrum Disorder and Perseveration issues, wherein he wants his way ALL THE TIME. Handling his behavior is not like handling children with "normal" behavior issues. The tricks of the trade that work with "normal" behavior children will not work with children who have Spectrum Disorders or Perseveration issues, so I would appreciate hearing from Mom's who have children with these issues. My son is now five years old and is slowly getting better, but he still has his bad days (as every child does).
My son was watching an Inspector Gadget movie this evening and started to fall asleep on the couch. I told my son that he could continue to watch the movie, but indicated I wanted him to get his pajamas on in case he fell asleep, then I could then transfer him to bed easier. Well, he had a fit and didn't want to do it. I called my husband from our bedroom where he was getting ready for bed (he goes to bed really early since he works at 5:30 am). He came out of our bedroom and I told him the problem I was having. He then asked my son to put on his pajamas. My son refused, my husband argued back and forth with him a couple of times, then my husband simply told me not to worry about it. Well, knowing the extremely difficult time I will have if my son falls asleep on the couch and I must try and change his clothes after the fact, (because my son is more difficult than most kids), I wasn't happy with my husband's response.
Since my children were born, my husband has always used the excuse that he can't stay up late for overnight feedings because he had to work the next day (but I know husbands who do). Plus, my husband wouldn't even help out with overnight feedings on weekends because he wanted his precious sleep...so, I never received overnight breaks. I'm sure I'm not the only wife who hasn't received help from her husband with overnight feedings, but this doesn't make it right.
"Knock on wood", but my oldest son is easy to get to bed at night, and to school in the morning, but my youngest son who has these issues is NOT! I literally DREAD the bedtime and morning routine with my youngest son, because it's extremely frustrating and mentally and physically draining. I have to deal with my youngest son's issues every week day, and I admit my patience sometimes wears thin.
After my husband said tonight that I should simply "not worry" about my son not cooperating, and to let him alone (while he walks off to go to bed), I ended up telling my husband, "fine...he can stay up as late as he wants and he doesn't have to go to school anymore because I'm tired of dealing with this." My husband became so angry that I thought his head would pop-off! He told me, "what do you want me to do about it?" Then he reminded me that he must work in the morning and he can't handle our son. He continued by saying, "do you know how ridiculous it is to say that you are going to let our son stay up as late as he wants, and that he doesn't have to go to school anymore?" I replied by telling him that I'm tired of being the only one to handle our son's issues. My husband always replies that our son won't let him handle him, meaning our son won't listen to him whatsoever, that he only wants me. I told my husband in the past that this is probably because I have been the only one to handle bedtime issues, and also because he gets extremely angry with our son during the process. This time my husband replied, indicating that it's MY FAULT that my son doesn't want to go to bed at night, because ever since he was born I never made our sons go to bed at an early hour - because it inconvenienced me! My husband stated that I liked our children staying up late, because I have always been a night owl.
I can't tell you how ANGRY his comment made me...he completely crossed the line! There were many times that I tried getting our infants/toddlers to bed early at night and they simply wouldn't do it! They would lay in bed and either scream and cry, or call for me, or constantly get out of bed for two hours! I got so tired of this struggle that yes, I did end up letting them stay awake later than most parents would, but they were also not in school yet. In addition, if it were MY FAULT that my youngest son doesn't want to go to bed at night, then my oldest son would behave the same way too...and he does not! My husband seems to think that it's everyone's natural ability, or that it's born in everyone to be "early to bed - early to rise" - and I don't believe this is true. I believe many people can't get to sleep early at night, and I told him that he should talk to people at sleep clinics to see how they feel about his comments.
Many times I have felt my husband insinuate that I am not a great Mom. He has indirectly implied at times (pretending as if he's joking) that motherhood is a "piece of cake," and that I have had it easy being a stay-at-home Mom. Many times I think he feels I'm lazy.
The funny thing is whenever I'm gone to the grocery store, or to work (where I work only 1 day per week), when I return he indicates the boys have behaved, "the worst they have ever behaved," and then he's mad at me because I was gone. He never makes me feel comfortable about leaving. In fact, I feel worse when I return because I know I will be returning to him being crabby and blameful towards me that I was gone in the first place! Since I only work outside of the home 1 day per week, many times I must stay past 5:00 pm in order to finish a project that must be completed (because I'm the only person completing that project). My husband can't understand why I must stay past 5:00 pm, yet he expects the same understanding for his job. His reasoning for this is because my job is just part-time and doesn't pay the bills. Since my job doesn't pay the bills, does this mean I must tell my boss that I can't finish something, and that I should tell her to go jump in the river?! He acts as if I don't need to show any allegiance to my employer because I'm not full-time, and since it's not paying the bills.
Do any other Moms out there have similar problems?
Do any of you feel like your husband doesn't respect or appreciate you?
Do any of you feel like your husband blames your child's bad behavior on you?
I would appreciate hearing from anyone in this situation. I feel very hurt, angry and alone.
Thank you.
Sounds like you need a IFOP and brainstorm from the Institute for Family and Child Devolpment. The family coaches can help assist you to resolve the conflicts with you children and family. Call DeAnn you will not be disappointed. They can really help you.
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www.parentfamilyinstitue.org
Hi Kate! WOW. At first when I was reading your story I thought well maybe just let him have his was then no big deal, but as I read further I realized there is another son involved and a DAD who seems like he doesn't want any part of it! At all! Personally if I may be frank, I think I would like to blame you know who! DAD! What is the deal with him? Did he not want kids? Did he think it was going to be so easy and that you, his wife should just do everything perfect so he doesn't have to have any responsibility? OH BOY! What a fantasy. My personal opinion is the same as anyone is going to tell you and that is that the 2 of you need to seek a family therapist. BUT, if it were me in your position, I would take care of my son, with LOVE, and ignore my husband. Fine let him go to sleep, but sorry honey I'm too busy to cook for you and do your laundry and what was that you said? Oh I didn't hear you I am busy with the kids. Those kids are living with their dad but they have no dad! I am sad about that. My daughter does not have a dad but at least he is not around to rub it in. No wonder your son wants his way, he is not getting enough love from his own father and the other son is being good because he can see that you have enough to do. Make sure they both get enough love from you, I would take them to the park ALOT, let them run around, get them some cheeseburgers and french fries for a picnic to make it a special outing just with mom. Until dad comes around everyone will have to live around dad. I will never suggest divorce as I am certain it is not on your mind. But he needs to get involved with his own family. I just don't know how to help with that one as I have never been married. Love the kids, say some prayers, ask your pastor, go out alot! And when junior falls asleep on the couch in his clothes, let him sleep. No biggie.
Kate-
First your marraige won't fail over this one issue, and you don't have to accept less out of life to continue to be married or because you have children.
I think marraige, parenting and life is a series of challenges and working through them takes hard work and compromise. You don't need to 'brow beat' your hubby or 'train' him to get through this or get him to do what you want.
When calm, level heads prevail on both of your parts have a discussion about the issues. You will probably have to work out a compromise that takes work and sacrifice on both of your parts.
Being a parent is hard work, and while I don't think your husband was right, there is always a way that maybe is being overlooked right now to work through this, but he will have to be active in it.
No woman out there has a perfect marraige, but your marraige is what you make it, if you work together, compromise and discuss things, the situation will get better. I have never been a huge believer in manipulating, training or hen pecking a husband. I wouldn't want to be treated that way and I think it creates more resentment not a better result. I hope my personal email was helpful. You are certainly not alone in this.
Other articles about other couples who battled these issues.
http://www.asklenore.info/parenting/parents/18_months.html
http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/couplescommunicat...
http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/couplesfamilies.html
I have a 2 year old son and an 8 year old son. My 8 year old has ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Anxiety Attachment Disorder and Socialized Anxiety Disorder.
Do any other Moms out there have similar problems?
Yes, I have similar problems-my husband thinks it is the "mothers" duty to take care of the children whether she is a stay at home mom or not. I work a FT job of 40 hours per week and the only thing my husband helps with is taking my oldest son to football.
Do any of you feel like your husband doesn't respect or appreciate you? All the time I feel this way and i continue to tell myself it will get better, but guess what IT DOESN'T.
Do any of you feel like your husband blames your child's bad behavior on you? My husband does it all the time
Please free to talk anytime-you may send a private message to ____@____.com
HI Kate, I read your story and I read the responses before I decided to respond myself. I have been a single mother for several yrs.,therefore its was me that had to do everything. I made choices based upon the situation.Being married is a full time job itself, even though you love that person you BOTH have to work at it,not just one.Maybe you and your husband need to talk to someone professionally. The kids see how you both respond to their behavior, so they know what upsets you. If I am the one putting the kids to bed,I would simply turn off the t.v.,till he gets his p.j.'s on, then you could turn it back on. Since your husband feels you have an easy job, suggest to him you will go to work full time and he can be the "stay at home dad", of course we both know he will not agree to it, but giving him the option should diffuse his ideal of how "easy" you have it.Your son seems to be pulling the strings and getting what he wants, set guidelines and stick to them. I would defintely get some counseling for myself whether or not your husband chooses to. I know its hard raising kids, but when you have little or no support, its makes it 3 times harder. You may have to make choices for your own sanity and for your children. Sometimes these choices will "wake up" the other person, sometimes not. Good luck.
You are soooooo not alone in this! I'm a SAHM, but I am NOT June Cleaver or any of those perfect tv wives, cleaning in their high heels and string of pearls. Boys live in my house, and it is messy. But I put food on the table and clean clothes in the dressers, adn can manage to get the house presentable in under 1/2 hour if someone is coming over. (Just don't look under beds and in closets.)
Being a mom is a hard job, especially if that's your only job. You don't get a lot of chances to be around other adults, and that can take a toll. And when the mate doesn't appreciate what you do all day, it's that much harder. I don't have a lot of advice, cuz I'm danged resentful myself. I read some of the other responses, and they pretty much all suggested councelling. That might help, if you can get your dh to see the need. I haven't been able to do that myself yet. And having a child with special needs makes everything that much harder. I'm in that boat too. Don't fight him if you don't have to: let him sleep in his clothes. I know I fall asleep in mine sometimes, heh.
I'm rambling, so I'll just close with a hug for you! {{HUG!!}}
Hang in there, and know that you are NOT alone in this world!
J.
i have a son with behavior issues and i have an ex husband who believed the same as your husband that staying at home and being a mom isnt really a job but hated when i left him there for a few hours to do groceryshopping. hated it so much he took over groceryshopping. my advice to you about your son is to choose your battles. so he sleeps in his clothes big deal. dont fight it just tell him you dont want to hear complaints if he wakes up hot or cold or in pain from sleeping in his clothes. battle him in the morning when he has to change clothes to go to school. my son is only just turned 3 and has yet to be diagnosed with anything but we all know he has something and he has behavior therapy with easterseals. my son refuses to put on his shoes so we can leave i say fine i will not fight with you i will just leave and i get in the car and start to pull away by the time he sees the car towards the end of my short driveway he is running out the door with shoes in hand asking for help and saying dont leave me. i tell him i dont have time to fight with him and he has to wear shoes to leave so either get them on or i go without you. sometimes you have to say things that others would see as mean but with children with behavior issues you have to make them think it is their idea or they wont do it. it has to be on their time or not at all so make them think it is their time and if he has a favorite pair of pajamas or a favorite shirt let him wear them only if he get jammies on with no fights or if he gets dressed in am with no fighting. if he fights with you about it then he doesnt get to wear it.these are just suggestions on what i do at home with my 3 year old and it works with us and yes i have quite a few spiderman shirts and pajamas in my room at top of closet because he has to earn them back with good behavior. but it works for us. let me know if you can use hte ideas and if you would like more i have a list from my sons behavior therapist about tactics to use to get the behavior you would like to see instead of the behavior you are seeing. children with behavior disabilities and problems need different tactics to get the behavior you would like. my 5 year old only needs to be told this is not acceptable and she stops but not my son. if you would like any other ideas or want to talk my email is ____@____.com let me know if this helped you at all
Kate,
First things first, you have a normal marriage. EVERYONE has a disagreement about something with a spouce at one point or another. Children just add more stress when you are tired and frustrated. There are times when I get frustrated with my husband and resent that he is not helping as much as I would like, but he can't read my mind if I need help I have to ASK FOR IT!
Ask yourself calmly "what one thing could your husband help with that would make things a litttle less stressful for you?" It might not be possible for him to put the kids to bed or get them up since he has a regulated sleep pattern he doesn't want to give up. What if you asked him to run some of the erands you normally handle, such as grocery shopping or picking up the dry cleaning. Whatever you ask him to do needs to be resonable fo him to work into his day. Parenting is a team effort. The more you support and help each other the easier the job becomes. It also makes the home a calmer and more restful place. Your five year old maybe responding to the underlying tenssion in the home as well as his other disorders.
Pick your fights and fight only the battles that you can honestly see winning. I bet your husband will be more than willing to help you when you tell him you need him. By not laying the blame for things at one anothers feet neither of you will feel like you are being attacked. Another thing you might try to do is ask him about what is stressing him. Is work ok? Is he worried about finances? It sounds like the two of you have lost touch a little. When do you spend time together without the kids? If he goes to bed early and gets up before you when does he get to feel like he is part of the family and spend time playing with the kids? He may be feeling just as alone and isloated as you do.
Finally, you five year old sounds fairly normal. With help from the schools and therapy I'm sure that you will learn to work around any of his issues. If you want him to put on his PJs bring them to him. Make transitioning between watching TV and bed easier. Try setting a timer or anouncing in a loud broadcaster type voice that this is his ten minute warning call. Try to make going to bed and getting up fun for you and for him. It is far easier to get a child to play than to brow beat them into doing what you want.
Our children grow up far to fast for us not to enjoy the time we get with them. Your husband needs to find a way to enjoy his time with the boys as well. Mothers and fathers don't have ridgid roles in the family any more. Learn to use each others strong points to bind the family together and remember why you married the guy in the first place. He was there first and will be there whan the kids are grown and gone. Best wishes!
J.
I just recently made my husband live a day in my life. On the weekend when he was off of his full-time job, he had to get up with both of our kids all night Saturday night, get up with them in the morning, and be with them all day. He had to abide by my usual pattern (no tv until after lunch, only 1 hour of tv for our daughter, do art projects, etc), and he had to TRY to get everything done that I try to get done in a day. Needless to say, by 4:30, he had given up. Since then he has a whole new respect for me as a stay-at-home mom!
Hi Kate,
I do not share the same situation that you are in, but I know MANY women who do. I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are in this stressful, exausting situation. I really hope things get better. If they do not, may I suggest marriage counseling? Both my husband and I have been through individual counseling (for different reasons) and it makes a huge difference. Most counseling is covered in part by insurance. Also, if you belong to a church or other religious organization, they may have free counseling.
Another suggestion: find a group of women (maybe MOPS - Mothers Of Pre-Schoolers) or other mom's group so you can have support.
Mothering is a difficult job...but remember this - what is the only thing you can take to Heaven with you? YOUR CHILDREN! :)
Best Wishes,
S.
It sounds to me like your husband is overwhelmed by many things. First of all, many men are jelous of their wives. Yes, they do think that it's easy to stay at home all day. They picture the chores being done in any order we like, and the idea that we can move slow through our day if we want and we don't have a boss or even several bosses looking over our shoulders.
When I was licensed for 10 children in my daycare, I had all 10 kids plus my own 3 oldest girls and I was open 7 days per week/24 hours per day. Even with literally 20 families coming and going all day and night he still felt he worked harder than I and still made comments about me being home all day. I've always had to handle all the family phone calls, oversee work projects in the home, homeschool our kids, and do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. I used to have a 12 passenger van and have had to employ the help of part-time assistants just to get one of our children to the doctor.
I wish I could say that these men are few and far between, but they aren't. My husband NEVER got up with any of our 4 girls. I didn't even expect him to because I just knew instinctively he wouldn't do that. It simply wasn't worth the arguments.
I'm sorry your going through this, but you'll make your plight worse by carrying around a lot of resentment toward your husband. You can try to get him to see it your way, but he likely won't do that.
About your son. Would it be so terribly bad for him to sleep in his clothes? Who ever said a child had to be in pajamas anyway? And would it be terribly bad to shut the tv off and let him sleep on the couch? Your not a bad mom if you do these things. You have a choice. You can have the fight with your son before he falls asleep. Or you can save the fight for the AM when you need to change him into new clothes.
I can't tell you how to raise your son. But I can tell you this. In our house I'm the one that likes to go to sleep early. I get the daycare kids down by 8PM. I let them sleep on an air mattress in front of the tv. But only rarely do I let them fall asleep to a cartoon. Usually, I watch one show between 8 and 9PM and they drift off trying to watch my show that they aren't really interested in. It's a matter of sticking to your guns. I have no problem with my daycare kids going to bed.
My own 6 year old is another question. But that's because my husband is the night owl. I am going to tell you the truth about kids. If either parent is up they want to be up. If you want your child to sleep you have to shut off ALL the lights and noises and go to bed. My husband keeps my 6 year old up because he's awake. When she can't stay awake anymore or just passes out he'll put her in bed. And yes, she usually sleeps in her clothes from the day before. I used to fight this process. I have 4 daughters, 2 of them grown and the 16 year old still at home as well as the 6 year old. My 16 year old now puts herself to bed by 9PM every night. But she was up late with her dad and her sisters for years. I am sorry if this doesn't sound like what you want to hear. But your son is up because of you and your husband is right. We were intended to go to bed with the chickens and get up with the light. If you can't or won't do this it is because you enjoy the quiet night and would enjoy it even more if the kids were sleeping. My husband wanders around in parts of the house at night and he watches tv and does art projects. He enjoys this I know. But he used to have a hard time getting up and to work on time. I argued profusely with him about this through the years. But I finally trained him to realize that if he wants to stay up late he will get up early and he will suffer from lack of sleep. So every few days he goes to bed earlier and he loves to sleep late on the weekends. He starts his day on time and he has gone very far at work since I brow beat him into behaving like a grown up.
The Bible tells us to take care of our bodies and indicates that the night is known by the darkness and day by the light. I swear you would feel better and be able to face these issues with your son if you were able to sleep better and longer. But your mind isn't letting go of all these issues. My suggestion to you us to get some relaxation music and practice laying in the dark at night and breathing deeply. Pick some positive affirmations you want to think about and say them to yourself over and over. You will not work out these issues with your son or your husband if your messed up on the inside. Your stressed, overwhelmed and tired. If you don't think your tired, your lying to yourself. You need sleep.
Also, do you get up with your husband when he goes to work? Your marriage will suffer if you don't get up early with him and see him off to work. Look.. men are babies. They need a little mothering from their wife. My husband has always expected me to get him of to work. But if I have to leave early he will never get up with me. He's a baby. He's a man. This is how they are. I guarantee if he sees you sleeping when he's up early he resents it. It's part of why he thinks being a stay at home mom is easy.
You don't have to believe what I say and that's ok. But I've been married for 21 years and I believe you need to work on you first. Being a stay at home mother is a HUGE privilege. Not very many of us can do that. I am a stay at home mother, but I'm also a work at home mother. I still care for 4 kids plus my own 7 days per week, 24 hours per day. I do this so that I can afford to be at home. But I would LOVE to have the money and opportunity to concentrate more on the family.
Sweetie, your marriage is not going to last if you don't think long and hard about ways to take more pressure off of your husband and how to cope with things for yourself. I know it's not fair and politically correct. I know you want him to understand how long and difficult your day is. But he won't and you will just drive him crazy trying to make him. But I promise if you get your son under control without complaining to him and if you are getting to bed earlier, happier, less cranky to him and the house is always clean, he will respect you more. Men have this picture of what a perfect wife is. You can't be perfect so don't think I'm saying anyone can. But, you can give him a few of those things. After all, he feels he's paying for it. He's going to work all day long so that the bills can be paid so that you can create this nice family for you all. Your job is a big one, but so is his.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me privately any time at all.
Suzi
Remind your husband that being a parent is the most important and difficult job there is. My husband is a soldier and has been to war and he admits that being at home and raising kids is even harder than war! To quote him, "At least when I was in Iraq, my Commanders let me rest when I got tired!"
Remind your husband that since being a Mom is your job and that you never get to leave work, your work is with you constantly and never lets your have time off. It's also important for you to remember that as parents YOU ARE IN CONTROL! No matter what your kids do or how much they misbehave, you set the rules. Stick with the discipline that works for you. We use the naughty spot at our house and that works for us. Bedtime had been hard for us. But, now it's a game. We see who can get ready the fastest. Remember to praise them alot when they do good. Try not to yell when you get upset (I know this is hard). But, if your kids see you lose control, then they know they can make you upset and will continue to find ways to do it.
Kate,
I can sympathize with your situation. I have not had the privilege of being a stay at home mom, but when we were first married my husband did not pitch in at home at all. It is exhausting being a mother. I was working full time, raising our son and doing everything at home. One evening my husband wanted to go play cards with the boys and had been watching me do housework ever since I got home from work, so I definately did not want him to leave for poker. I was so fed up that I just told him everything I was feeling and that if he did not start pitching in we weren't going to have a happy marriage. He now pulls his weight at home (sometimes). It could be a good thing for you and your husband to have some time alone to talk about these issues. You both need to go into the conversation with open minds and stay flexible to the options on how to improve the situation. We did marriage counseling together and it was fabulous.
Also, if you are not showing a united front to your children they are going to walk all over you as they get older. You both need to be in agreement on discipline and house rules. If you make a rule your husband needs to back you up and you should do the same for him. Every time you argue in front of your children about rules or discipline, you are just reinforcing for them that they can manipulate you. You have to be consistent.
Good luck with your situation, and please consider counseling. It is amazing what you can communicate to each other with a third party mediating the issues. I honestly believe our marriage wouldn't have lasted a year without the counseling in the beginning.
