I'm Bedridden, 18 Month Old No Longer Wants Me, I Need Help with Rebonding

I fully agree with Susan! Bring the toys and activities to your room! Is your daughter still in diapers? You should be the one to change her. If someone brings you her clothes in the morning, you can get her dressed too! You can brush her teeth at night as part of bed time routine. Surely you get up to brush yours, so you should brush them together.

Do as much as you can from the bed! You should still be making decisions and helping with your daughter. Also, I know you are very limited in what you can do, but laying in bed 24/7 isn't good for your muscles. Changing your daughter and a little bit of movement (nothing strenuous at all) surely is good for you. Ask your doctor about any concerns and clarify with him/her exactly how restricted you are. Ask if it's ok to change your daughter.

It's wonderful that your husband and mom are so helpful, but you need to ask them to include you in on things too. Susan is right, now is the time to bond and nurture your daughter, not in 6 months. Your daughter is going to have to adjust to a new little one in the house, she's going to be going through lots of new emotions. She needs to know now that you are her mother, you are still raising her, and you love her.

Hang in there! You can do this!

**Adding this: I would also take photos of you and your daughter, together with your pregnant tummy... for nostalgia.
So what if you are bedridden- you can still take wonderful memorable photos WITH your daughter in bed with you and your budding tummy. It will form a bond together. My daughter LOVED doing this with me. We took so many photos together every month and with her hugging my huge pregnant tummy. It created so many fond memories and photos for her to look at later. Your Hubby can take the photos, and it can become a nice tradition with your pregnancy.

Instead of your daughter being "placed" in your room for "visitation" or play... .why don't your HUSBAND and your girl, come IN the room TOO... and you ALL play together.... and have fun. Like a camp-out. THAT is what I would do.
For us, we have a floor futon in our bedroom, and this is where the kids can sleep 'with' us if they want... and we ALL play and have fun in our room at any time of the day. Together. Our kids LOVE it.

INSTEAD of just plunking your daughter in the room with you as though she was a room decoration. I would think they can HELP you too, instead of just placing her there. Why don't htey all make your room a "FUN" place to be, and re-aquaint her with you??? Make your room the HUB of things... not just the banishment place. THEN your daughter will see that it is fun and remember you.... and your family will be displaying more sensitivity and CREATIVE problem solving about your bedridden circumstance. It is the NOW that is important with your daughter, NOT 6 months later. That is for any child.

AND your Husband needs to be more sensitive to the BONDING between a child and Mommy.

I really feel for you... .and you have every right to feel that way. Now, that is what I would do. Speak up to them... and YOU decide the routines of your girl TOO. You are not invisible just because you are in bed. They should STILL be asking you anything as the MOM of your daughter. AND INCORPORATING YOU or your girl, into together things.... like making your room into a fun/bonding/cozy/hub of MAIN activity. Not just a place of boredom or banishment. If they refuse... then, they are being selfish with your daughter's time and not 'allowing' her to enjoy Mommy nor trying to figure out ways to keep a bond and affection there.

All the best,
Susan

Hi V.:
I sympathize with your situation. It must be extremely difficult for you.I have to agree with SH. While your husband and Grandmother sound like they are doing a wonderful job caring for your daughter and taking care of you physically, they also need to take into consideration your emotional needs.You are A Mother,and its vidal you remain close and continue to be nurturing to your daughter.Don't feel she's distancing herself,rather she is showing maturity in her efforts to cope with her present situation.What your daughter has decided,is that her frustrations, sadness ,tears,each time she is pulled away from her mother,are for not. In A short time,she realizes this situation is not going to change,and thus she is adjusting to it in her own way. Possibly she feels the less she sees you,less the hurt she feels being taken from you. She's a smart girl.I think cuddling at night a wonderful idea.If your hubby wants to put her in her crib afterward,fine. She needs that time to feel close with you.I also like SH idea of making a (group) fun time. I'd Reassure your daughter,that mommy will be able to get up and do things with her as soon as your well.I wish you and your darlin girl the best. J. M

I totally agree with everyone else here. All their suggestions are great!

I too was on bedrest, although for only 6 weeks. My son was about the same age as your daughter is now. I totally felt like I wasn't being a Mom, that I was neglecting my son, that I would never regain my bond with him, etc. Pretty much like how you feel.

Up until I was put on bedrest, I pretty much did everything for my son. DH definitely helped, but I was definitely the one that my son would come to when he didn't feel good or got hurt. That did change when I got put on bedrest.

Although my relationship with my son changed over this short time period, I'd all in all it was for the best. My son learned that he could depend on his Dad to take care of him and he became more independent and confident in himself (not that he wasn't already independent enough already :)). His relationship with my hubby definitely blossomed over the 6 weeks of bedrest, plus the additional 8 weeks of recovery (I ended up having a c-section, then had an emergency bowel obstruction surgery 1 week after the c-section). So this transition from me to DH was good. I was able to heal and recover and spend time concentrating on my daughter and knew that my hubby could take care of my son and that everyone was happy and comfortable.

It was also a boost to my hubby that he could actually take care of my son. Bathe him, feed him, take him to the park, take him out on errands, all by himself. Before this he was always a little hesitant to bathe him or to take him outside of the house on his own. He was always afraid he do something stupid like lose him or some huge accident would happen.

I also agree that you should still be included in the everyday activities of your daughter. When I was on bedrest at home, I would be sure to hang out on the living room couch when my son was up. Then when he napped or went to sleep, I headed back to my room. I let everyone else do all the hard stuff (cleaning, errands,cooking,etc.) My job was to "bake a baby", play with my son on the couch so the others could get chores done, cuddle him, praise him while he ran around the living room playing, take pictures and video of him and tell the others in the house what needed to be done and when.

The hardest part was having to be on bedrest in the hospital for the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy and then being in the hospital again for a total of 2 weeks after delivery (4 days for the c-section, then another 4 days after my bowel obstruction surgery). Someone always brought my son to see me in the morning before preschool and in the afternoon just before dinner. He was so frightened of seeing me in the hospital room that he wouldn't even come and sit on my lap. All the machines and beeping and lights scared him. That just broke my heart.

After my daughter and I came home (she also had to go back to the NICU the day after my bowel obstruction surgery because her bilirubin levels skyrocketed) it took my son a good week or so to really be comfortable around me again. I think he was just afraid to let his guard down, because so many times in that last 2-3 months I would be home for a few days, then would have to spend a few days in the hospital for preterm labor, then I'd be home a few days then have to go back. Then I came home with a baby only for both of us to return to the hospital again.

But once he figured out that Mommy and baby sister were home to stay, things got better fast. For about 2 months every morning he'd run into my room just to make sure that I was there....gosh I am starting to tear up just thinking about that horrible time and how scarey it must have been for him and it's been 2.5 years since then.

My point to this horrible and long story is that, in the end, your daughter will be fine. She will still love you. Just right now, she has to learn to depend on others until you can get back on your feet. It's a good thing for her to become a little more independent right now. She will have to be able to have confidence in herself and be able to trust others to care for her when the baby comes since you won't be able to be there 100% for her after the baby comes. It's just a fact of life. She will get less attention from you when the baby comes. She will be fine.

But like you, I worried about everything and thought for sure I was screwing up my son. That and the tons of Mommy guilt I placed on myself for no reason.

You and your daughter will get through this. Just try to get more involved with the everyday stuff. Think of it this way....you can spend your time doing the fun stuff with her...playing, cuddling, stories, watching cartoons, eating....while your helpers do all the yucky stuff like chores and errands.

Why do you have to stay in your bed? Can't you lay anywhere as long as you are laying down? Move to the couch in the morning, when you get up to use the restroom, and be where the center of activity is. Go back to bed after dinner. Then you will be in a more natural position to interact with your husband, baby, any visitors, and your mom. Good Luck.