If You've Been Through a Separation/divorce...

Oh man :(. I'm sorry you are going through this. As you can tell from what you are feeling now (kind of remembering the good and forgetting the bad), time heals all wounds.

I would be most concerned about what my kids saw/heard. I don't think either of you should bring dates around the kiddo's until it's serious and the other parent has met them. I wouldn't want sleepovers when the kids were there, and definitely not people in and out.

I have a good friend who has been divorced for about 2 years now and her ex still has different females in and out of his house - the girls are now 11 and 6, and it's just horrible to see what they are seeing is okay on dad's end.

You are an AMAZING mom so I know the kiddo's will be protected from any heartache that you can humanely protect them from.

Otherwise, I'm really sorry I don't have more advice. I really wish I did!

R.:

The ugly feelings you are having are only hurting you, not Rob. So write a letter to him...mail it to me....get all of your anger and hurt out...then be the adult you are and deal with him.

I am sooo sorry this is happening...I know how much you wanted your marriage to work out.

I let go when I realized he wasn't the man I thought (and pretended to be during courtship) he was and was never going to be that man. I let go when I let the anger go...you don't have time to be bitter. You are better than that. Doesn't mean you won't feel it. Just means that you can spit it out at me!! (LOL!!) I'm fine with that..

Focus on the kids and what they need.

DO not argue in front of the kids - they don't need that.

State clearly what you need and what your expectations are. The minute it starts going downhill? Walk away from the conversation and tell him you will resume the conversation when tempers aren't flaring and both can stay on topic.

You will follow your instincts and you will get through this. You are not alone...HUGS to you.

Your definition of closure and his mean different things.
He's ready to move on (that doesn't mean he's ready to grow up (he may NEVER grow up)) and his desire to date other women says he's over you.
You have 'ugly' in your head because you are NOT over what you went through with that man.
You still need more time.
I don't think you are going to get what you need from him.
Just accept that once you guys had a thing (and kids) but you and he are different people now, and the thing you once had is now over, done and history.
What you need comes from inside of yourself.
YOU are in child raising mode - being the Mommy often forces a woman to grow up in ways that some men can never manage to do.
Seven months is a start but it can take several years for you to be where you want to be emotionally.
Don't feel you 'should' be moving along more or less than he is.
Your competitive nature wants some sort of contest with him, but that still ties you to him.
Don't rush yourself on this.

I am the only crazy one I can recall here that got divorced filing myself (with a paralegal to review once) WITHOUT any orders for visitation or support when my daughter was four. We could not live our lives by a court ordered schedule of "Christmas eve in odd years", "birthdays in even years" or "must give one month's written notification for vacation". It took a lot of trust! As much as external stressors hurt our marriage, he is a great guy and we swore to put our daughter first and always be considerate of each other. We committed to always living minutes of each other, participate in her activities together and keep open lines of communication.

I don't think I ever really *completely* healed because we are still very involved with each other and both feel like such failures at times (we got together when I was 18, I'm 46). We did SUCH a great job at co-parenting...I wish I had today's brain and reasoning 15 years ago (our daughter is 19). For us I think it helped that neither of us remarried or had other children.

Good luck, it's difficult and I certainly never planned it.

Arg arg arg. I feel you. Holding the good and bad is hard! It is so tough and for me, it hasn't ended. It won't until my daughter is 18.

Of course him seeing other people will bother you! This isn't a casual fling. You have the right to feel hurt and pissed and everything else it brings up. Its confusing as all hell. My ex has been w/ the same woman for four years and I still feel icky when my daughter brings her up.

Before you heal, you still need to lacerate: ) That tough conversation, might be better through lawyers. Maybe not, but only you know. Are you talking about ground rules for custody? School? Behavior? - because that, if you are talking divorce, from hence forth you have NO control over. And what Jacqueline said was right on - often men move on QUICKLY. Moving on isn't the right phrase - they just move into another relationship as salve for the last. Don't worry about what he needs or doesn't need. If this is over, his needs don't matter any more. I think of it as his happiness is only my concern insofar as it effects my daughter. Do realize that your priorities and his priorities may not match.

The healing is going through this process while being an example for your children. I cried and had my temper tantrums when my daughter was away. I ate way too many choc chip cookies - my salve: ) In front of my daughter and ex - cool cucumber, down right amicable, if not friendly.

I still haven't completely healed, because I have to deal with him for the rest of my daughter's childhood and a bit beyond that. I don't want to date because I like being home or with friends rather than the effort dating brings.

Four years later, it is still to be continued...

Hi R.,
First off, you seem like an incredibly strong person to me, so, trust me, you'll get this. In my experience, time takes care of a lot of the issues. Some others, not so much. What struck me in your post is when you said..."I feel like he's being incredibly selfish by wanting to bring another person into this: he needs to work on HIMSELF, not a new relationship." You may never ever feel he is not a selfish person and trying to fix him will backfire. But, what you have to keep in mind is that what you think he should do might not ever happen and you have no control over it. Everyone and their brother may think he needs to work on himself and not a new relationship, but if he chooses not to, that is the end of the story and you are now banging your head against a brick wall. You will end up wasting valuable time that could be spent on something you can have an impact upon. What helped me is to work on what I know I have a say in and what I can control. There are some things about his behavior you may be able to mitigate, such as having language in your divorce decree that stipulates when, where and how members of the opposite sex can be introduced to the kids. Outside of that, you have to forget about what HE needs to do, and just concentrate on what YOU need to do and can do to help yourself and your children.

Forget the reconciliation.
He's separated and he is wanting to date.
It's either:
A. Over
Or
B. a game which shows his maturity level. See A. Above.

Sounds to me like the only conversation you two need is who is filing and when.
You may be right: He needs to work on himself. But preaching and wishing don't make it so--or you wouldn't be separated, right?
You are exhibiting enabling codependent behavior, point of view and reasoning. Please go to Alanon. For real. It'll help you to stop trying to fight a losing battle.

Time! My ex left in March of 2011 and i filed for divorce in April of 2011. Guess what still not final. UGH! But we both finally have stopped fighting over why our marriage ended and have a plan set forth that benefits the children.
We have lawyers involved to discuss stuff for us, which is very expensive but worth it to minumise stress.
If he wants to see other people, there isnt anything you can do. You guys decided to not be with eachother and thats it. Let him move on. Men are ready way before women are i think. Yes it will irritate you if you know details so do yourself a favor and try not to know who he is dating.
Good luck...

Now that I am out of the situation this is what I would have told myself to do back then, this is me talking to myself back then.

Distance, distance, distance & DISTANCE! I would say look you have to distance yourself from the places and people who he is associated with so that you can move on and see and hear clearly what you are supposed to do next, he is immature and is always trying to trigger you and get an emotion out of you so get s step ahead of him.

When you told your BFF of 15 years to stay out of it and you found out/ saw clearly that she was so nosey that it was more important for her to hear what was going on than for her to respect your wishes you should stop that friendship immediately! (she is still his friend after the fact) Side note: she called me after the divorce and I simply said to her “ you never have a reason to call me, ever”. I would say remember your new motto that LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE” so do what ever it takes so that you come out of this better and not bitter, and the only way you can do that is set up focused boundaries. You (meaning me)....

1. when he needs to see the children meet him at a central location at all times, keep him from coming to your home and you his.
2. do not talk to him on the phone about anything but the children, going forward is business only.
3. do not allow others to bring his business to you or anyone you deal with, and allow them to understand to keep your business away from him.
4. I (speaking of me) know you want your marriage to work and that you have prayed and done all you know how to do, so let it go and know that if it is the will of GOD things will work out.
5. You need to stop him from dropping by your family members home when ever he feels the need, make room for your future husband or this will turn out to be a mess! (it really did because I did not do that).
6. Do not let him see that he has triggered you because this motivates him.
7. Pray more, read your bible more and explain more to the children according to thier level of understanding.
8. No you do not have to attend the Bday parties that he throw for the children, allow that to be his time and celebrate in your own way and forget about what people will think if you do not go.

Hi, R.:

Check out your local mediation center and see if they
do family mediation.
In Richmond, they certainly will have a center that
will help you and him iron out your differences.
At least three times would help get y'all through to
some good decisions for all concerned.

It seems that you love your husband. He loves you too.
Men can't handle rejection. They ususally get into another
affair really quite to put balm on their wounded hearts.

Good luck.
D.

=( I';ve gone through that all. Still do at times (not wanting him back but feeling like he should be doing xyz). I agree with others that you (and I) have to let go of control.
Realizing you cant have any say or control over how he fixes himself or deals with the kids or what he does with his self is something important. I often waste so much time being bummed over how he is doing things that will hurt my daughter (moving in a woman and 2 kids within 4 months of knowing her when Emmy doesnt like it) when I could have been using that energy to better myself and my home (the things I can control)
It's hard though. I mean we were together for 14 years andI had control over my daughter comepltely during her 1st 3 years. He was involved but took my advice on everythnig, now he's taking his own crappy advice or his new girlfriend. its hard to let go but it's healthy too.
booooo
I want to take a kickboxing class to get out anger/energy for the days he emails M. arguing non stop

I'm sorry this didn't work out for you-you just got married last year, no?? I would tell him that you are still married and if he wants to see other people, the strong assumption will be that he is committing adultery and that is grounds for divorce. If he said this recently, I would say the other strong assumption is that it has already happened. Draft a separation agreement and get him to sign it-tell him what you need financially, figure out the division of the assets, and determine custody, and decide whether or not you want the children to see him and the new girlfriend-that most likely contributed to the demise of your marriage.

I am confused, are you two still sharing a home? If so, he should move out before dating others, other wise it just seems cruel.