Dating After Separation, How Soon Is Too Soon?

Updated on January 03, 2014
M.Q. asks from Perris, CA
34 answers

I have a BIG dilemma going on, I'll try to sum it up as much as I can. I have decided to leave my husband of 9 years (we have 3 girls together) and moved out with my kids a little over a month ago. Our marriage is non salvageable, there is no "looking for help" no talking it out no cooling off period, I'm done and I have made it very clear that I am done. He however is having a much harder time accepting this and has been trying to "fix" the unfixable for the last month. I do not believe that divorce has to be nasty and bitter especially when there are little ones involved. We have both been very amicable, helpful and respectful about the whole situation. He helped me move and was really nice about it. We established who gets the kids when and it's been working out great. He asked how much $ I needed monthly and I said just half my rent (775) is plenty, he said he thought it wasn't fair and that I deserved more, but I said 775 was fine, he was to start Jan 1st. He has zero family here so I invited him over for thanksgiving and xmas and it was very nice. So everything was good until this past Wed night. I decided to invite a MALE FRIEND(whom I met through my kids school about a year ago and is a single and great dad to 3 boys, nothing has ever happened between us just chit chat and we just recently exchanged numbers) over for dinner and movies since it was my night without the kids. He picked up the kids as agreed and I was to get them back thurs after work. I always call to say goodnight to my babies about 8pm,I called but they had fallen asleep early, so my ex started trying to convince me to let him com over for sex and I refused(he tries this everyday) plus I had my friend over! Well I knew he would continue bothering me so I turned off my ringer, 10 mins later something told me to check my phone had 17 missed calls from him. So I said oh no this is not, good he's gonna come over here and will find me with my friend and will just go buckwild. Well sure enough when I opened the door he darted in and confronted my friend. Luckily they both remained cool and it did not escalate. However my ex is beyond upset with me and accuses me of leaving him for this friend, which is so not the case, he is hurt and feels betrayed by me and feels that I am being unfaithful to him, we are separated!! I don't know how much more clear I need to be that I am done with him. Do I not have the right to have friends and date if I want? I know it's only been a month, but am I just supposed to wait around until my EX is ready for me to have friends?? or date? My ex is now being very bitter with me, he's told me he will not be helping me financially so don't count on it, he's contacted all of my family and told them I was "cheating" on him and that that was the real reason I left him (not true) and that we walked in on me! we were sitting on the couch, not even together, fully dressed! What are your opinions on my situation? does he have the right to just run into my home and confront people? if he's not ready to let go but I have, does that give him a right to say im cheating on him and make it seem that way with his family? My family adores him, so they are not very happy with me right now.

oh and I forgot to add, he's raised my oldest child since she was 5, she's 13 now and he has always claimed to be her dad, her biological stopped seeing her 9 yrs ago and is completely out of the pic, and she sees my ex as her true dad, well now because of this situation he says he no longer wants anything to do with my child, and that he now has 3 daughters not 4, pretty hurtful stuff.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Julie G-of course my priority are my children, but they will spend 14 nights out of the month with dad, am I just supposed to sit at home those 14 nights and plan activities for them when I see them again? am I not entitled to use that time for myself? hmm

Candice- My kids are doing great actually because up until wed night we had been working as a hell of a team to make sure that their feelings were put first. My daughter has no idea my ex wants nothing to do with her now, she was not there to hear him say that and I do not plan on telling her either. And no I am NOT bringing another man into her life, my children have NO idea I am talking to a friend and I will not be introducing anyone to my children unless I see a sure and secure future with them and that will take years! I am not so lonely that I need to fill my empty night with a "new boyfriend" as you put it, he is a friend,, I was having diner with a friend.

Christylee- I can see how how having a guy friend over a month after splitting up may raise some eyebrows, I can see it.Maybe it was a lil too soon. And no he did not bring the kids with him, he left them asleep with his mom who is in town visiting.

Featured Answers


answers from Norfolk on

You are totally free when you have the divorce decree.
Until then even if you are ready to move on in every other way, you are still legally tied to someone else.
It's just a good policy to deal with one relationship at a time.
Until you are officially divorced, you are still in a relationship.
And even then you'll still have to deal with each other since you have kids together.

6 moms found this helpful

More Answers


answers from Columbia on

You were BOTH wrong.

I think a month out of the marriage is too soon to have single men over in your home. It's not too soon to go out and have a chat over coffee with a friend, but having someone over is just too familiar.

That said, I think it's important that you place some boundaries with your ex. He's not allowed in your home unless invited. If you say "no," you mean "no." I'd have flipped if my ex had "darted in" when I opened the door! And where were your kids when he came over, anyway? Did he wake them and drag them to your house to confront you!?

15 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

You already have four girls by two men, including a 12 year old with a 17 year old boyfriend. Don't you think you need to slow down a minute and think about the kind of example you are setting for your daughters?
FIRST get divorced.
THEN start dating.
Having men over to your house while you're still married may or may not be "right" but I imagine it's not going to look good in the eyes of the law when it comes to custody and visitation.
Never mind how it looks to your kids: "oh I'm done with daddy now, too bad for him, boo hoo, I wanna start hooking up, I can't even wait a whole month!"
Think with your head not your va-jay-jay!!!

15 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

I find it absolutely insane that you are entertaining thoughts of a new social life - or dating life - a little over a month after leaving your husband. It's fine to go out and burn some stress with your girlfriends but to befriend a single guy? Really? What are you thinking? Oh that's're not.

While the marriage may seem dead and buried to you, this has apparently been a shock to your husband and probably your kids too. Have some respect for that and give them some time to process the changes. Heck, give yourself some time to process everything.

Step one would be to actually file for divorce and get a separation agreement filed with court so that whatever your husband "owes" you in terms of child support isn't arbitrary.

Step two would be counseling for yourself and your children.

AFTER the divorce is finalized, your husband is actually your ex and has calmed down and accepted his new normal, you have gone to counseling to understand your own baggage and what you did to contribute to the demise of your family, your counselor signs off on the fact that your kids are handling things in a healthy way, etc. - THEN you date. Because until you are at that point, you're just going to attract the wrong type of man and set a bad example to your children, especially your oldest daughter, who has now seen two father figures disappear from her family.

In the meantime...go out with your girlfriends...have that extra glass of wine, flirt with guys if you want to, but don't bring anyone home, don't exchange numbers, and don't date.

15 moms found this helpful


answers from Richland on

Speaking with guys, hanging out in public is fine, but bringing them to your home? Stupid

He doesn't want anything to do with your daughter because then she isn't subject to visitation. That way she is home so no more guys on the sofa.

Your daughter is paying for your bad decision.

"I decided to invite a MALE FRIEND(whom I met through my kids school about a year ago and is a single and great dad to 3 boys, nothing has ever happened between us just chit chat and we just recently exchanged numbers) over for dinner and movies since it was my night without the kids."

I wish there were more guys on this site to confirm this. That is a booty call!! You tell a guy come over to my HOUSE for dinner and a movie you are asking for sex! Dude would have made his move if your ex hadn't stepped in and really from your tone, you would not have tossed him out for it.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Have a social life, but honestly, hold off on the dating life for as long as possible. Big reasons, you have to recover from the broken relationship first. Whether you know it or not, you have reactions/feelings/emotions that are in a tizzy from this, and you need time to just be with YOU and not another man. Fill the gap with YOURSELF, not someone else.

My mother was a serial dater after the divorce. It sucked, it was emotionally wearing on us having men come in and out of our lives. She's been married 5 times. I can't even count how many boyfriends she's had.

When you do decide to date rather than just socialize with friends (socialize with friends as long as you can), do NOT date anyone that you don't see as marriage material, and that does not understand that you are a package deal. The person is not dating just you, they are dating you and your kids. If they get that, and it looks like they will stick, THEN introduce them to the kids and start doing stuff together - but ONLY if they are potential marriage material. Otherwise, your kids will become emotional ping-pong balls.

Don't have men over. Just don't. You're not even divorced yet. Regardless of the fact that he's a "friend", it sends mixed messages all over.

I wish you the best in navigating this mess.

14 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I'm sorry but I think you're being delusional.
You may be "done" but clearly your husband is not. You can tell yourself divorce doesn't need to be ugly but even in the most mutually desired breakups it IS ugly, period. I have witnessed it more than once.
I understand you want to date and get laid but don't be stupid. Don't bring men into your house until your divorce and custody agreements are final. Do you really want your husband publicly accusing you of cheating and sleeping around? Because he very well could do that. Is that something you want to put your kids through?
Go out with a hundred men if you want, as friends or otherwise, but not around your kids and not in your home. You're just shooting yourself (and your children) in the foot with your impatient and immature behavior.
Sorry I know that sounds harsh, but I think you need a reality check!

13 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

Until the divorce is final I would not have any male friends to the house or go to his and only meet them in public places. Your soon to be ex obviously has problems. No reason to poke the hornet's nest with a stick, it could come back to sting you.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Chattanooga on

There is absolutely nothing wrong with dating as a single mom. Of COURSE your kids will be your first priority, but seeing to your own happiness and well-being is important as well.

That said, I DO think that one month is waaay too soon. I would say to wait AT LEAST 6 months, but more like a year or two, before casually dating... Longer before seriously dating. Take time to help your kids with this transition, make some new friends, find a new hobby, etc. before going into the dating world. Especially since it sounds like you aren't even officially divorced yet. Honestly, if my husband and I were to separate and he started seeing someone within a month, I would suspect cheating/that he left me for her too.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Louisville on

It's not really about what you're "entitled" to. Of course you have the right to develop relationships and an adult life for yourself. But you have 4 children who did not ask for this to happen, and no matter how amicable, this separation will rock their world. If their dad hasn't yet accepted the situation (and it seems he hasn't) so he can't maturely handle you dating, you can imagine your kids will hear about it ... which will just make things worse. And I personally think inviting a strange man into their home so soon is an intrusion, whether they are there or not.

At some point it quits being about what's fair and becomes about what's best for your kids. I can say that because I left my marriage 6 months ago, and really struggled with wanting things to be fair. They never will be; you have to get over that early and put your kids first to minimize the negative impact on their lives.

And honestly , if my er left my children alone while they were sleeping (so they didn't even know they were alone ) for ANY reason, my concern would NOT be my social life , or finances, or anything else but the fact that he left them alone. But that's just me ...

Go to court, get some temporary orders to cover you financially for child support and to prevent your ex from barging into your house. And then resign yourself to putting dating on hold probably until your divorce is final .... That's really the best thing you can do for your kids.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Salinas on

One month? Slow it down. Quit deluding yourself that this guy is just a friend. How long has he been your "friend"? Did you hang out with him while you were married as friends? Seriously, when you are recently separated, exchanged numbers and then have a guy to your home it's pretty clear he's thinking more than friend.

Time to get honest with yourself. Focus on your kids and forming a new relationship as co parents with your ex. If you want to do something socially, call a girl friend. You must finish one thing before you start the next.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

Wow. You've clearly checked out of the marriage and moved on.

Divorce is hard on children and they live with that decision the rest of their lives whereas mom or dad can move on to another lover/SO time and time again. It's amazing how some men and women can't wait for a replacement bedmate. I hope the sex is worth it. You don't have to sit home and twiddle your thumbs while your children are gone. You can be productive. Meeting a new bf should not be the only thing you are able to do on your days without your children.

I would think, as a mom that your priorities would be raising your children and creating some stability in this new change to their lives. This new set up is very raw and real to your children, even if you have moved on emotionally. They need all of mom right now.

I know single, divorced moms do need friends and companionship but it sounds like you didn't wait for ink to dry on separation agreements before you invited someone else into the picture.

You created this drama. I can see why your soon to be ex would think you left him for someone else when it happens this quickly. As a parent, I would be disappointed in you as well.

Your road to divorce may be a little harder now and soon to be ex might not be so understanding and helpful to you because of this action. Why could you not have waited until things at least settled and your children were stable to invite someone else into the picture. You both have a lot of baggage and I hope you can handle the drama.

Of course, this is your life and your choice.

If it were me.... I would focus on meeting my child's needs first instead of finding someone to meet my needs. Please be very careful about bringing your male friends around your children. If you're not careful, it can backfire on you with your children rebelling or worse, one of your so called friends is not so nice to your little girls.

I wish the best especially your children.

ETA: I do agree that your soon to be ex had no right to run into your home uninvited. You both need to learn how to deal with each other respectfully while navigating through this new difficult process.

It is not all about YOU.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Cleveland on

Well you are still married (separated or not your married) until you are divorced (papers signed filed marital status changed) I don't think you should be dating or anything and should be working on your marriage. He obviously wants to try so take 6 months and try while still living apart. Maybe it will surprise you.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

I'm sorry but you do sound a little bit selfish. How do you think your kids are feeling right now? Your oldest had her dad leave her, and now this guy doesn't want anything to do with her and now you are bringing ANOTHER guy into her life. Put your kids first. Yes, you will have days alone when the kids are gone but are you so lonely that you have to fill your free time with a new boyfriend? You really can't think of anything else to do? Go out with your girlfriends. Your kids do not need another guy in their life.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I think you need to be honest with yourself for starters. First, it is not just "a friend" that you invited over. You obviously have romantic interest in him, or you wouldn't have invited him over for dinner and a movie. That's the stuff of romance, not of friendships. If you want a friendship, call up a girlfriend. You do yourself no favors by pretending that this man means less to you than he really does.

Has your soon-to-be ex even been served with divorce papers? I can't imagine trying to move on before the ink has even tried. What's the rush? Nearly a decade together and you can't wait a few months before testing the waters again?

What do you want out of this life? Do you want a lifelong partnership? If so, I suggest you take some time to work with a therapist to figure out what it is that you need to fix either with you, or with your interaction with men, that isn't leading to "happily ever after."

I can understand feeling lonely on those nights when your kids are at their dad's. Don't fill that void with a man. By the sound of it, you have a vulnerable 13 year old daughter who has been dumped by the only father she really knows, so all of your efforts should be poured into her. Give her TONS of extra attention--she's going to need it. You don't want her to look for male attention in the wrong places to replace the attention she's craving from your ex.

I don't envy you, and I won't pretend to understand the hurt you are feeling, but you need to think with your head right now.

I hope you have a lawyer working with you to get a fair settlement and custody agreement.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I guess it depends on your priorities. It's your life, so you get to decide.

My mom had a friend that never dated after her divorce. She put all her energy into raising her two kids.

If things went awful with my hubby, I 'm sure I wouldn't date either. Raising kids is hard enough with a spouse, I couldn't imagine added to the drama by dating.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

Many people consider it cheating until the divorce is final, he may be one of them and so to him you are in fact cheating if you are dating again. I am not one who thinks its cheating once a couple is separated, but one month does seem early to me, but we all have to decide what we feel comfortable with for ourselves. My biggest concern would be how the kids feel about you dating, if they are not ready (this is all very very new to them, even if you have been having trouble in your marriage for a long time they did not know that) and dating so soon could make things harder on them.

As for your ex, of course he does not have the right to barge into your home (my father did the same thing when my mother first started dating), and it is none of his business who you date, but if you want things to continue to run smoothly you do need to take his feelings into consideration, at least a little. Hopefully he will not follow through on his threat to no longer act as father to your daughter, but I have seen that happen to a friend of mine whose ex will only see his bio son and not the two girls he helped raise. But hopefully he will see how that hurts her more then it hurts you.

He is acting this way because he is hurt. You wanted this divorce, it does not sound like he did, so seeing you move on so early and so easily has to make him feel like hell. He is acting out now because he feels replaceable and discarded. If you want the interactions between the two of you to be easy and not full of drama you have to take his feelings into consideration and try to help him through them, for the benefit of your children. That does not mean you can never move on or date, but it may mean slowing things down for a few months until the dust has time to settle.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Reno on

oh this is a tough one. Perception is reality to some people. The evening may have been innocent to you but your husband saw it differently.
I don't think there is a time frame however with someone who is still so into you I think having a male over was not the best of ideas. Your husband barging in was wrong as well. That is not his home.
Personally give it some time to cool off before addressing it and go file for divorce. I know that when my ex hubby moved out, he for some reason would not file for divorce. ( i was not going to file because I did not want the divorce) and the longer he prolonged it, the more hope I got. Finally after almost a year of "separation" and back and forth, he finally did it and it sucked. I wish he had done it when he first left. Thats just my two cents.
I hope it all works out for you.
Many blessings

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I think separated 1 month is too soon to be dating. Follow through with the divorce and then think about it. I understand he came over as a friend, but end the marriage first.

I don't agree with the women who say you should only ever put your kids first and never date. Just because you're divorced doesn't mean you stop being a parent. With that logic, you should never go on a date with your spouse (parent of your children) or an overnight or go shopping alone or anything. Everything should be solely about your children. Life is about balance and that should not end b/c you get divorced. Children learn by watching. Having a positive relationship is a good thing for children to see and model from.

That said, give it time. There's no rush. Go out and have fun when you don't have the kids and form healthy relationships, but wait til the divorce is final.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on


You did not say you and your HUSBAND have filed divorce papers, you did not say you've had your first hearing in front of the judge, you did not say you've gone back to court for the final court date.

In Oklahoma a person files for divorce. They have an initial hearing then go back a month or so later. IF there is nothing to debate or argue over the judge would make the decree final. If the couple are arguing over custody, separation of property, anything at all then they can be back in court for years before the divorce is final.

So, since you are still a married woman in the eyes of your husband and the eye of the are a married woman seeing another man on a date. Call it anything you want but it was a date. Alone having dinner and a movie. .

So yes, you are cheating. Period. You invited a man into your home to spend time with you. It doesn't matter if it was for a booty call or to complete a project for work. He was in your home. That's a date.

You are a married woman that had a date with a man other than your husband.

Get a divorce, when it's final you are no longer married. Until the divorce is final you are not able to date, go with a single friend or be alone in your home with them unless you want that used/filed against you in court. That will help your husband get custody of his children.

As for paying you money or child support or a single penny, he's not obligated until the judge signs a decree saying he is legally obligated to do so.

There is nothing that says he even has to bring the kids to you. He can keep them and go file for temporary custody. AND based on your behavior he'd likely get it. Then you'd be paying child support and possibly spousal support to him until the divorce is final.

Once the judge has made up their mind to give one parent custody they hardly ever give it to the other parent even when things are worked out.


So, go file for divorce. File for custody of your kids. Ask for spousal support and child support. BUT if you do joint custody you won't get any support.

He has every right to expect his wife to be faithful. Your husband is still your husband. Regardless of how you feel about him.

So either get a divorce or move home. Separation is usually a time when a couple decides to use time away from each other to work on issues that can't be resolved while they are in close proximity. They can also use this time to sort through all the stuff in preparation for divorce but legally they are still married.

I'm sorry your marriage is over. I always hate to see a family split up. It tears the kids up inside. It's possible this event with your husband has made the kids much more sympathetic with dad too.

They went to visit dad. He missed mom so he called her. Things progressed because mom decided she was busy with her "friend" and didn't take dad's call.

So dad told the kids he was going over to check on mom. Thank God he didn't bring them with him to see mom on a date.

When he got back to them he was probably white with anger, hurt, and near tears. They saw how you hurt their dad. Now they see you in a different light.


You have to think of yourself in a different light now. You are a married woman living apart from her husband. You have to be above board, no fault at all, no dating, no doing anything with any man by yourself. You can go in groups of friends to stuff but you probably shouldn't entertain anyone but a female friend at home for months and months. It's best for your kids.

Once you are divorced you will be free to date. I'd still wait a long while before bringing anyone into my home regardless of kids there or not.

I'd like to just say one more thing. I know you have moved on. Your husband is obviously having a much harder time with this. He's hurt to his core.

He's striking out at YOU the best way he knows how, the worst possible way. He's using the oldest child as a weapon because he knows him disowning her will hurt YOU almost as much as you hurt him that night.

He's in pain. He's striking out and isn't seeing clearly right now. Do not tell your daughter anything to justify yourself or to justify him. He's hurt. That's all you need to tell her.

If she's really not going to see him at visitation time you need to sit down with hubby. He needs to understand the deep unforgiving pain he is causing her.

He may be incapable of it right now though. Just ask him to pause, to try and put himself in her shoes...he needs to try and see life from her perspective.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Miami on

I haven't gone back to look at any of your prior posts about your situation, so I may be missing something.

However, that said, I'm going to tell you that I think that you are really making some big mistakes here.

First of all, you should have an attorney figure out how much you should be getting from your husband. This financial support isn't just for you. It's for the girls. You saying that half the rent is enough is foolish. All this should be handled by the court and put in writing. Just the fact that he is saying the other child that isn't his biologically and he doesn't want anything to do with her means that he is NOT going to be amicable once he figures out he has no more chance with you. GET YOUR ATTORNEY to figure out the RIGHT amount of child support.

Your husband is hoping for makeup sex. And hoping and hoping. And this quickly you bring a male friend in the picture, KNOWING full well that he's going to come over? You are doing this subconsciously to try to get across to your husband that you don't want him anymore. It's a mistake. He could have beat your friend up, good grief.

You don't need to have a male friend over this early. You need to establish boundaries with your husband and get the legal stuff cemented. You also need to get some help with a counselor to make it so that this man doesn't destroy the child he is hurting so much. Get the attorney to petition the court to get him into family counseling.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

well, you're ready when you're ready.
that being said, having a male friend at your home is just asking for trouble. you're very vague on whether this is a date or just a friend, so it's not surprising that there's some confusion with your ex.
so, is it worth it to have your ex in a tizzy and now your family dragged into it?
you are within your 'rights' for sure, but that doesn't mean it's smart.
and for serious and true, the commonsense guideline of waiting a year after any major life upheaval to add new life upheavals just makes sense. doesn't mean you can't see anyone at all, but for heaven's sake, slow down on men friends having sleepovers.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Austin on

Sorry, but I don't think you should be seeing anyone (of the opposite sex) at all until the divorce is final.

Remember... YOU are the one that wanted it...not your of course, he is upset at seeing you "move on" so quickly after moving out.

Frankly, I think that was MUCH too soon! If you want to have "Girl's Night" with your girl pals, that is one thing... but to have a male over at your place, even though kids weren't there, was just a bit too much IMO.

I will admit, however, that I am a bit of a prude when it comes to stuff like that.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from New Orleans on

My main advice is for you to realize you are so prime for a rebound right now, no matter how you think you feel, you are in a traumatic situation and you need time for your head to clear. I say let the divorce go thru, let the dust settle a bit. I have a friend whose ex moved a woman in a month after their divorce was final and most people have insinuated that there was something going on before, he says no of course but the perception is there, so better not to give anyone a chance to talk. Divorce is traumatic and stressful and you have to pass thru the hardness of it I think. There's a house to clean, groceries to buy, tv to watch, gyms to work out in, friends to have coffee with etc., you don't have to keep company with a male friend now. Also I think you just have to realize that whatever caused your marriage to end has hurt you even though you may feel so free knowing the process of it coming to an end is over ( at least for you) you are still processing, a new guy, a great dad as you say, with no baggage you can see could cause your brain to scramble a bit, protect yourself from yourself! ;). Good luck working it out with your ex back to friendiy status.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Wausau on

Wait until your divorce is final, at least, before you start dating. You still have way too much drama and unsettled issues in your life to have anything to give in a relationship. You need friends, support and interests at this point in your life, not romance and sex.

What your ex does has no bearing on it, so don't worry about what he may or may not do with his own social life. Take the higher road, always.

Get proper court ordered visitation and child support too, asap. That's not being 'ugly' it is being smart.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

It's time to stop being amicable. Your estranged husband was willing to give you whatever you wanted because he thought that he could woo you back. By invting him for the holidays, you gave him hope even though you may not have meant to give that message. If the marriage is as over as you say that it is, then it's time to consult an attorney, file papers and let the courts determine the financial support that you are entitled to so that he does not feel like he is doing you a favor and that it is clear that your home is not his home. Do not invite him over socially again and if he never lived in this house, you are not required to give him access - if he lived there and you dont have a legal separation agreement, and his name is on the lease or deed, you cannot decline him access legally (but you might anyway, my sister changed the locks even though her atty counselled her not to)

As for dating, I dont' believe in waiting til divorce. I have never been divorced myself, but I feel that once you are living in separate homes, you are a free agent. However, if your marriage has just ended, you may need to spend time working on yourself before throwing yourself into a relationship. Your marriage went wrong, you may not have what to give in a relationship or have figured out how to have the type of relationship that you do want. I'm a fan of focusing on you and not on men. But I dont' feel that you need to wait for divorce to be finalized to date.

Good luck with everything

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

To answer your question with my honest opinion is that it is too soon to start seeing someone, because your X is still very attached and what happened was bound to happen. You knew it yourself when you checked your phone and I knew it as I read everything leading up to the phone part.

I have been there myself with an X boyfriend of many years. I had not talked to him for some time and as soon as I went to dinner and came home, he decided to start calling and came by. I had moved and never told him my address, but he knew someone who lived in my complex and he knocked on my door, to my surprise.

Anyway, keep in mind domestic violence is one of the worst types of violence. So keep that in mind while his emotions and feelings are still very high.

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answers from Chicago on

You might feel lonely and think you should be able to do whatever you want, but you are legally married and if you start dating now, this could cause a lot of problems for you with regard to custody, child support, etc., if your ex decides to use it against you.

Stop hanging out with other men now and save that for when you are legally divorced. You have the rest of your life to do that. Don't do anything now that would cause you problems with your kids.

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answers from Los Angeles on

You're a grown woman who has separated from your husband, with the intent never to resume marriage. You can make your own decisions about this, and it's no-one's business but yours and your children. As far as I can see you did this in a discrete way which not adversely affect the children. Obviously your soon to be ex husband thinks that you are still his wife (really, you're not, despite the paperwork still being there), and that the marriage can be put back together. Start divorce proceedings, get your communication clear with your ex so that he can adjust his expectations, and then carry on with your life. You can see other men - it's your life, and your choice. Don't live by others' values - you may miss out on some great stuff.

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answers from Hartford on

You're barely out of the house, not even divorced, are hanging out with male friends that are supposedly "just friends," you haven't even legally established custody with the biological children that are your husband's. You're upset that he confronted your male friend that he thinks you cheated because you choose to hang out with this single male friend you had dinner and a movie with. You're upset because you think he doesn't have a right to his perception because YOU decided you're "done." You're upset because he's clinging to his biological children and the children that he knows you can't refuse to allow him to see at any point. You're the one that broke up the family for apparently no reason that he can fathom, but you're angry with him. Critical of him.

Yeah, um... you need to get your priorities in order before you ever think about dating anyone. How about figuring out who you are without a man first? How about completely extricating yourself from the relationship you're already in before complicating things with even the perception of another relationship? I feel sorry for your husband and your children.

Establish custody. File for child support. Explain to your husband why you're divorcing him. Get your children some counseling. Don't date until your divorce is finalized because even the perception that you're cheating is important and it will affect your children at school even if it doesn't affect things in court.

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answers from Baton Rouge on

I'm going to be the odd man out here. You are ready to date when YOU feel ready to date. If you are truly done with being married, then the marriage is over, and all that's left is paperwork.
Depending on your situation and the divorce protocols in your state, finalizing that could take years. I certainly would not expect a person to deny themselves the companionship of the opposite sex for that long, whether or not that included sex. Gal pals can only do so much, and when you do decide you're ready for sex, sometimes a b-o-b just doesn't get you there.
NO ONE has the right to come into YOUR home uninvited unless it's on fire and you're trapped inside. The fact that you didn't answer your phone is no excuse. And he has no right to decide who you can an cannot have as a guest in your home.

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answers from Appleton on

Of course you are free to date. You are free to have a man spend the night. You are separated and starting over.

Have you actually filed for a divorce? You need to file for a divorce and get an order for child support and a visitation schedule set by the court.

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answers from Chicago on

Good lord, there is a lot of judgy people out there.

I don't think there is a grace period at all. You are ready to move on, and you have made it clear to your EX that it's done.
It sounds to me like he is in denial that you are done. In fairness to him...continuing to host him for holidays (though very nice) may have sent a mixed message.

And while he thinks that he's not giving you a dime...he will. He can choose to do it the easy way or the hard way where you haul him into court.

Bottom are under no obligation to wait to date anyone. And what and who you spend your own free time with when you are kid-free is none of his concern. I would have flipped out that he even continued calling you, much less showed at up the doorstep. I would be the one causing the scene in that case.

As for your family...they will listen to you and come around. That should be the least of your concern. In desperation, he is trying to reach out to them to guilt you into staying with him because they like him. It's a sad plea, really.

For now, you need to see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Stop all interaction with him outside of kids stuff, and remove all emotion from your conversations. That's all you need to do. He'll get it, eventually.

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answers from Kansas City on

I have never been in your shoes, but both of my sisters went through a divorce.

Sister #1: Married 2 years. No kids. Divorced 2002. Furthered her education, worked on her career, went to counseling to work on herself. Met Mr. Right in 2004. Married in 2008. Twins in 2012. Super happy with her place in life right now.

Sister #2: Married 9 years. 3 kids. Going through divorce now. Immediately started dating (on 3rd 'boyfriend' in 12 months--this one seems super serious). Needs counseling. Needs to work on co-parenting (50/50 custody). Needs to get divorced before 'moving on'. On a complete roller coaster!

They are different people with different situations, but I feel the one who took time to find herself and be alone for a while is better off in the long run.

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