I Need Advice on Whether to Stop Having My Mom Watch My 13 Month Old.

Hi G.-

If you can afford to find childcare elsewhere, I would. Your mother probably feels as though she is somewhat "entitled" to make these decisions because she is the primary caregiver for such a high percentage of your daughter's day. Being the caregiver puts her in more of a parental position than most grandparents are. Most grandparents come in, visit for a few hours or maybe a week or so if they live out of town and then leave. She probably does feel like you "need" her to help raise your daughter because you need her to watch her during the day for you.

Again, if you can afford it I would look elsewhere and just explain to your mom that you want her to be an active grandparent in your daughter's life but that your differences in parenting style make it too hard when she is the caregiver. You could also add that you want your daughter to start learning social skills by being around other children.

Good Luck,
K.

Wow! Seems like you have a lot of "baggage" in your relationship with your Mom. (My daughter had a lot with me, too!) Please understand, I'm not saying that your complaints are not valid, and I don't have any way of knowing how the two of you got along before this issue with your daughter.

I know you said that you had tried to talk to your Mom about this, but I would recommend sitting down with her--perhaps take her to lunch on a Saturday--and tell her that you are really serioius about needing some positive feedback from her in terms of how YOU'RE doing as a Mom. Tell her that when she does your laundry over, it makes you feel like she's saying you're not good enough. BE SURE TO SAY, "WHEN YOU _________(fill in the blank), IT MAKES ME FEEL __________." (also fill in the blank). She may object to your feelings, but she can't deny them.

Tell your Mom how frustrated you are, because you really appreciate the good care she's taking of your daughter. Tell her that you want things to work out because you value the relationship she is building with your litle girl.

If she doesn't respond, THEN you can start thinking about finding other childcare. Just remember, no one is going to care for your daughter the way a relative will. The love there is undeniable.

Hope you get things worked out. My daughter and I are getting along so well now, and I think part of the solution is that we started trying REALLY hard to listen to each other and respect each other's opinions.

well sorry to here you are having such a hard time with your mother.i think if it was me i would look for other child care because if you cant have any say over your own child thats pretty sad.i would put a end to it right now are your little girl will always walk over you because she see's grandma doing it.plus it want hurt for your daughter to be around other childern. well good luck wish you well.

That's a tough one. I can see my mother doing the exact same thing. My husband and I decide we won't let my mother watch our kids. Currently I'm am looking for work I can do from to avoid this problem. It's easier said then done though. I've been reviewing and looking at jobs for a year now and still haven't found my niche.

BTW my husband has seen me in tears as a result of my mom's interferance. My word of advice "love your mom but pull away." It will be tough at first but the more you pull away the better you will feel. You will still have to visit them let her watch your daughter on occasion so she doesn't feel left out but do your best to pull away. Maybe work your schedule to where you can work 1 or 2 days a week rather than full time. Good luck with your mom.

I would try this. Tell your mom that you and your husband have decided to start paying her for her services. Tell her what you are going to pay. Don't ask her. Next, when you pick up Bella, walk in ask how Bella's day was and get out. Remember, at this time she is not the grandmother but the caregiver and you need the information about Bella. You need to separate the two.

The "I can't help it, sorry" comment says alot. It says, "I'm going to do what I want". When she starts with the comments, look at her and say, "I'm her mother and you are the babysitter". Right now, she is not the grandmother. She feels like she is the mother not you. You must set up boundaries quickly before it get too out of control. Good luck! It is not easy being a working mom. I know, I work too!!

Hi G.,

I feel your pain girl. My daughter just turned 11 and my mom has had to watch her for this school year b/c my husband left and I now have to work a heavier schedule. My mom loves us and we love her, but my daughter recognizes that she is very controlling. Of course the issues are different b/c Katie is older than Bella.
I have two older sons - my mom has always been able to make me feel bad about most everything I choose to do and how I do it. Finally I got the book "Boundaries" and took the class and it has really helped me a great deal. I handle my mom differently now, and I realize that no one can "make" me feel anything - that is up to me and me alone. I, in return, realized that I cannot make anyone else feel anything either. So...if you don't like the outfit and you want YOUR daughter wearing something else, simply tell your mom in a nice and honest way, and let her deal with her emotions about it. She may sulk or act angry, but that is HER problem. She will get the message, my mother did and it is helping. You are an adult, you need to detatch from her childhood control over your emotions. You have a family of your own and your focus needs to be on them and yourself. You may have to sacrifice your mother's help, but that is a chance you take for your grown-up and rightful freedom.
Example: My mother kept looking at Katie's school papers and teacher's notes everyday and having these heart-to-hearts with her on the good and bad. Kate has trouble reading and I am on top of it. Mom does not give me credit - I guess she thinks I do nothing or what I do is not good enough. So one day I came to pick Katie up and mom informed me that Kate was not to leave because she (my mom) obviously needed to spend some time reading with her and that Katie was not cooperating. (My mom had yelled at her about a failed writing paper). I was put in my place, so to speak, as far as mom was concerned. I then told my daughter to get her things and go to the car. When she left the room I thanked my mother for her help and informed her respectfully that I was Katie's mother and that she was not to look through my daughter's papers without permission again. I also told her never to "scold" me infront of my daughter again. B/c now that I was on my own, Katie needed to realize that I am the "supreme ruler" of rules in our house and that if "my mommy" was going to yell at me infront of her it defeats the purpose and my daughter will never respect me.
You are doing nothing wrong. Your mom, I'm sure, is a terrific person who means well ~ she just needs some guidence in letting go.
Getting and setting boundaries has made a huge difference in my life. I wish you the best of luck - keep us posted.
God bless,
D.

Because you raise these questions lets me know you are a very g o o d !!! Mom. For your peace of mind and to keep down future problems (as your child grows i see this getting worse) you need to find another child care situation. Also think of how well your child will grow with other children around to play with. She will learn social skills, how to share, and interact. Maybe your mom is lonely but you do need to raise your child. There is no manual but we moms do the best we can.hang in there.

You may want to consider getting child care for your daughter, but that won't make the problem go away. I suggest you talk to your mother and tell her you know how much she loves Bella, and that she's giving her great care, but you're the mother, and she needs to respect the boundaries you set. You can overlook quirks like cookies and cupcakes, but expecting you to dress your child as she sees fit is out of bounds. Same with washing the clothes. DON'T LET HER TAKE THE CLOTHES OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! Stand up for yourself! If that's hard for you, have your husband help you. If you do keep your daughter with your mom, pay her. I'd suggest $400.00 a month. That alone will help restore the balance of power.