I Kicking My Now 9-Year Old Daughter Out of the "Nest"

Are you telling her she's not allowed to call you mommy and daddy? Because I still call my dad Daddy and I'm 31.

Not to sound mean but the one thing that kinda caught me is her saying she just wants to call you mommy and daddy? Even though she is 9 I am not understanding why this is a big deal to her, unless you are saying that she is older now and is only allowed to call you mom or dad from now on. I'm 30 years old and still call my dad, daddy.
Like B has said she is getting this fear from somewhere and counseling might be the thing to do. Most girls cannot wait till they grow older, not scared to death of growing up.

I wonder what is wrong, E.. Did someone talk to her in a way that scared her to death? Has she experienced a tragedy of some kind, or did a family member die?

This sounds really strange. Why is she saying she wants to call you Mommy and Daddy? Did someone tell her that she needs to change it to Mom and Dad? NO ONE should be telling her that she can't call you Mommy and Daddy. NO ONE.

What you should try to do is get her to work WITH you instead of working by herself. "Honey, time for your bath. Let's get your stuff together. Towel, check. Panties, check. Nightgown, check. Thank you for helping out." I'd tell her that you will come and help her in the bathroom, but she needs to towel dry herself and put her own clothes on, because "that's just what people do."

Don't talk about the fact that she needs to grow up. Don't keep reassuring her that she is still your little girl. Just work WITH her to help her achieve it. Don't leave her on her own, but go ahead and tell her what to do. Keep it light. If she refuses to put her own clothes on, then you can be a little tough and say to her that you will leave the room if she doesn't put her clothes on with you there.

As time goes on, make excuses to leave the room while she is dressing. "Oh, I've got to get such-and-such - I'll be right back", stuff like that. Don't let on what you are really doing - giving her more responsibility. Be matter of fact and don't push things by making it obvious what you are doing.

If you don't get anywhere with this approach, take her to a counselor. There is something "off" here, and I don't think that this is her fault. Someone has been scaring her, and you may need to get to the bottom of it by using a PROFESSIONAL to help you.

Good luck,
Dawn

I hope there is more to this story then just her wanting to call you Mommy and you bringing her a towel???

Neither of those examples are at all alarming or disturbing or socially backwards given the age. It's common for children to still want Mommy's attention at this age. They'll go back and forth on it until puberty when it's truly cut.

Honestly, it sounds like the problem is more with your personal expectations. Why do YOU not want her dependent upon you at this tender age?

I wouldn't push her to grow up. (It sounds like somebody somewhere has.) Insist that she calls you Mommy and Daddy - still totally normal at that age. My almost 11 year old has only recently started experimenting with calling me "Mom" but still calls my husband "Daddy" and calls me "Mommy" the majority of the time. As for the bath thing, simply tell her that we gather supplies before bath time so they are within reach and then have her get them by herself. After her bath, brush her hair for her, pull her on your lap, and read her a story and sing her a lullaby and spend some cuddle time. So basically you show her that just because she can show some independence in helping gather her bath supplies, doesn't mean she's going to miss out on other nice aspects of being little. Let her do big girls things with you like cooking, simple sewing, crafts, etc. to let her see how fun it is, but don't mention anything about it being for big girls and still keep treating her like she's little in an emotional aspect, but physically help her gradually gain more in self sufficiency. Indulge her in reasonable requests and believe me that she will eventually want to grow up - and you will most likely be trying to hold her back a little then. ;)

We live in the south, I still call my father daddy and I am 51. She needs to reassured she WILL always be your little girl. That will never change inyour heart. But that you are worried she is missing out on the fun parts of becoming a young lady. A young lady begins to need some privacy. A young lady begins to be able to make some of her own choices about picking out her own cloths and shoes at the store.

A young lady gets to decorate her room the way she wants. A young lady begins to learn how to help in the kitchen! Planning meals, choosing a place to eat.

Something is going on here and we are not getting the full picture.

What has changed in her life? How is she doing in school? Is she in good health?

Is she developmentally delayed? When did she turn 9? Is she in 3rd grade or 4th? How is school going for her?

she is still a child, I do agree she should be able to take care of bath on her own. Give her a lot of positive attention at other times about how well she is doing in other aspects of her life acting mature. She has not even hit preteen, so she is still a child. Give her some more time to mature.

Start with 1 behavior, not so many at once. I still sometimes played with dolls at 12. I had my first true life crush at 13.... That is the year, I met my now husband. Be careful about pushing her before she is ready.

My biggest concern is that you stated that your daughters behavior is getting ridiculous. I did not see anything even close to ridiculous. Is it more of an issue that you want her to become more independent so you can have more time for yourself or other children?

9 is such a tender age. Girls feel the pressure from classmates to "notice" boys and talk about grown up things. Many are ready for these topics but others still want to pretend and play like little girls. Your daughter needs to feel like she can count on you when she feels insecure. Forcing her to become independent will not make it happen. I agree with E. W., cuddle her and praise her when she does something more grown up. Tell her "I'll get the towel and you get some panties and pajamas and I'll meet you in the bathroom". Walk away and tell her to call you if you need anything. My 9 year old ALWAYS calls me for something while in the shower. This too shall pass........before you know it, she will be grown.

There is a wonderful song by Darius Rucker (Hootie and the Blowfish) called "It won't be like this for long". He sings about the trials of parenthood and how they won't last forever. Brings a tear to my eye every time I hear it.

Good luck with your sweet beautiful daughter!

I suggest that her acting like a little girl means she needs more attention from you. My granddaughter went thru this phase with me. She wanted to drink from a bottle and for me to dress her. I did this with her for a few days and she was past it. It was like treating her as if she were a baby fulfilled some need and once she felt loved or whatever she could then be a big girl.

She is asking for more attention. It's hard to know what the need is. I interpreted my granddaughter's need as feeling loved. That was based on me and my experience of her. Treating her like a little girl may not be the attention she needs but she is definitely letting you know that she needs something.

I suggest that even tho you did not intend to load her down with a sense of responsibility that somehow you did. I urge you to try treating her as a little girl for a few days and see if that helps I also urge you to not talk about responsibilities. Show her that she is a little girl.

Plan for times to give her extra attention. What is wrong with wrapping her in a towel and getting her underwear if it makes her feel loved and cared for? You will miss this time when she's a tween and won't even want you in the bathroom when you have to pee and she's bathing.

If you don't cuddle with her at bedtime try that out. She may need more physical touch than you and your husband need. Or perhaps you get all the touch you need from each other. My daughter still cuddles with her 10 and 12 year old children while they watch TV. Tho the 12 yo is fast becoming too "independent" for that. lol

I suggest that allowing her to call you Mommy and Daddy is important. My grandchildren still called their parents Mommy and Daddy at that age. Let her say what is comfortable for her. It does sound like, from your post, that you're wanting her to grow up too fast.

Later: After reading your post about irritation with your 80 year old MIL and FIL I picked up on a theme. In both posts you seem to not be able to feel what the other person may be feeling. You want your in-laws to be more active in the way they respond to your family and you want your daughter to act more like what you think a 9yo should act like. Can you take a breath and consider how they might be feeling? Once you are more attuned to their feelings you'll be better able to know how to respond to their needs.

I don't think what she's doing has anything to do with not growing up.
I am 35 and I call my dad "daddy" . Sometimes I forget my towel too.
My almost 11 yr old calls me mommy and almost ALWAYS forgets her towel. But that's just who she is. Let her be "young" while she can. Kids these days are "growing up" at a faster rate than ever before.

Social skills and maturity are, I think, the hardest things to teach our kids. I've always told my husband that if our kids were behind in reading or math, no problem, but if their teacher tells me they are having trouble making friends or fitting it, that's not something I really know how to help with.

I do believe home should be their "soft place to fall." If they need to be a little clingy or a little extra needy, that's ok with me. They need to know that this house is the one place where they can be themselves, let their guard down a little bit.

It seems like right now, she might need a little extra love and a little extra reassurance that she'll always be your little girl. Maybe in areas where your a little more comfortable allowing her to relax and not be as mature, you could give her a little more room to act like a 7 or 8 year old. I think is she feels like she can relax a bit an not always worry about acting like a 9 year old, she will soon regain her confidence and start to show you how much of a big girl she is.

Keep believing in her and being proud of her whenever you can. She will soon conclude that being a big girl will make you proud of her, and that's what she really wants - to make you proud.

My daughter is 24 and still calls me Mommy!! =) I wonder what has prompt this. Have you said anything to her? You can encourage her to grow up but still be your "little girl". I think the bath and undies is something she should be doing. But I'm concerned that someone said something to here about this in maybe not the right way. I'm thinking your daughter is sensative and just wants reassurance.

I have to agree with Mum4ever. I think you've set some extremely high expectations for a 9 years old child. I have friends in their 40s and 50s still calling their mom mommy simply out of their love for her. I miss being called mommy by by 6yo and 10yo. Your daughter is basically letting you know that she still needs her mommy and daddy; not just in name only but in every way. Trust me when I tell you, you are going to miss this one day. Those teen years are just around the corner.

Maybe some (family) counseling might help.
She had to learn this fear from somewhere.
It's one thing to fear growing up too fast.
It's another to fear growing at all.
She's young, true - but she's also half way to 18.
Puberty is not far away.
I got my period at 11 (this was 40 years ago) and many girls are getting theirs on the younger side - 9 is not unusual.
She'll ALWAYS BE your baby (who cares if she still wants to call you Mommy and Daddy?) no matter how old she is BUT growing and learning and maturing should not be something to fear.
There are some kids who CAN'T grow up.
Mentally they will always be maybe 2 or 3 years old.
They'll never be potty trained or read or write and their familys will struggle with their care until they can't do it anymore and they must go into an institution.
There are worse things in the world than growing up.
It can be a glorious thing.
Some professional help might be the best thing to help her overcome her fears.

I'm 45 and still call my dad daddy sometimes. Although it's usually Pops :) my mom has always been mom to me as far as I can remember anyway. When she frustrates me sometimes it's "mother" and when she really needs a kick in the pants it's "Diana Jean" ... I love turning THAT one on her LOL

What I'd suggest ... when she wants you to bring her a towel and underwear after her bath ... do it. BUT ... do it on your time table, not hers. If you're doing something else she'll just have to wait till you're done. Tell her this will be the routine. See how that goes. The mommy and daddy thing ... tell her she can call you that as long as she likes.

I would however talk to her pediatrician and see if this is part of the "normal" scale of behavior for kids her age. None of mine did it (heck my youngest told me "I'm double digits in age now mom. I don't need to hold your hand in the parking lot anymore" LOL Well ok then LOL But I've always been a go with the flow kind of person. If my kids want to hold my hand I'm all for that ... if they don't it's all good too.

I would talk to your pediatrician because this level of anxiety seems WAY high and not typical. If you have to get an assessment done, do it. You need to find out if she needs "real" help or if she's being a drama queen and go from there.

Hey E.!

We have struggled with this a little in our house. I agree with the previous poster that one way of helping her grow up is getting her to embrace the upside of becoming a bigger girl. It sounds like she might be experiencing some ambivalence about her relationship with you and maybe her dad, so moving those relationships forward might be helpful. On the mom side, that might be by doing more girly type things, like little "spa" evenings after a bath (make sure that you have your stuff together because I have to set up so that we can do our nails), going shopping, exercising, cooking, planning trips and holidays, etc. I have found that as my kids get older, they need more of the role model / participation side of my personality. This has been harder for us as I think that it is true that "Moms do "for", Dads do "with." This has really caused me to switch gears into the "with" category so that my kids have a window into living a healthy, happy, adult life. I don't make them "do" everything, but I do start inviting them to participate and enjoy the freedom and opportunity that being older has to offer. It sounds like she needs to know that it's not all bad, she is not alone out there, and that there are lots of exciting things to look forward to! Good luck!

I agree with DebraW., you have to show her the upside of growing up. You could ask her to help you bake a cake, or make cookies or fix dinner and while doing it make a comment here or there about how happy you are that she is now old enough to help in the kitchen and how special that time together is; it is time where you and she can talk, just the two of you girl talk and how you can't have girl talk with a baby so you are so happy that she is growing up. And encourage her to continue you call you mommy and daddy. I do know some older kids who still call their parents that. There is no age where she has to change that.

I would not, however, cater to her for example with the bath thing. I would remind her to take her towel and panties into the bathroom with her and if she doesn't, she would stand there for several minutes until I had a minute to get them for her. I think if you don't jump right up when she hollers for you, she might find it in her own best interests to do for herself.