I Don’t Feel like I’m Enough for My Child’s Father. Anyone Else Feel This

Updated on August 02, 2019
B.R. asks from Honolulu, HI
20 answers

So my child’s father is 37 and I am 27 we met online and when we first started dating I got pregnant immediately. Anyways I thought everything would be good but it seems like all we do is fight. Im always feeling super insecure as he is very attractive and people check him out all the time. Im attractive but I’m very self conscious in my body. My body has definitely gone through some changes as I’ve gained lots of stretch marks and lose skin on my stomach. And cellulite. I just feel like sometimes he doesn’t really compliment me anymore and he treats me more as like a friend than a partner. Anyways long story short we were about to go to dinner and I asked him “do you think i could wear pants tonight, or do you think it will be too hot out?” He replied with I’d wear a dress or something. “I said but your nephews girlfriend was wearing pants today and she seemed fine” and he said well she’s also super skinny and 7 years younger than you” I just thought that was a very odd insulting comment to say. If I didn’t feel insecure enough already :( what would you do and how would you react in that situation? Just curious? I got mad about the comments and he also said “do you really think your body looks like hers? They are obviously different. I’m not even saying that I’m a bad way.” I said no but I just thought it was rude how he even said that. Instead of mentioning age weight and body types he could have simply just said “I think you’d be too hot in the pants”

my body type is 5”2 and 137 lbs. I said our body types are different because I’ve had a baby and she hasn’t! It has nothing to do with age. And just the way he said that made me feel like I’m over the hill or something it was weird. He said I took it the wrong way and he loved me and the way I look. Which I know was forced to say. What should I do

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answers from Detroit on

That wasn't very nice to say. My husband will never say anything bad like that and i am totally fat right now i'm embarrassed of myself even but I am trying to lose lbs.. but he still will not talk that way, he might just offer a suggestion of something different. Did you guys ever get married? Maybe there is some tiny resentment about meeting and getting preg right away? I don't know but could be something is annoying him and it came out that way???

3 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

I have learned to never ask my husband what I should to wear or how what I’m wearing looks. I was getting ready in a night gown the other day and he seriously thought I was going to wear it out of the house, even suggested I might want to wear a bra. I realize he thinks I look great in anything, I could wear a trash bag.. he’s not good at fashion advice.

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from Washington DC on

My first thoughts were...what an a$$. And boy is she insecure. If he can’t be happy with a 27 yr olds body, he will never be happy with a 35 or 46 or 52 yr olds body. And the same goes for how you feel about your own body. I guess I would work on my own self esteem, it I were you, and then decide if my marriage was worth working on.

I’m in the minority as I read through other replies, but I don’t think he was giving fashion advice . He was taking the question as an opportunity to compare you to another woman in a very unkind way.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Why do you refer to him as your "child's father"? So you're not together or dating? I mean really, this has more to do with how you feel about yourself than it does him. I think you should see a therapist and find out why you 1) feel so badly about yourself and 2) why you care so much what this man thinks when he's not even a boyfriend or husband.
I'm also not sure why you "thought everything would be good" after getting pregnant and deciding to have a baby with (basically) a stranger, that's a whole other subject which probably needs some therapy as well.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

he's a jerk.

your self-esteem is based on shallow values.

no, i don't feel this, because both i and my husband value me for more than softening, sagging old body.

maybe next time you should reconsider getting impregnated immediately by someone you just met on line.


8 moms found this helpful


answers from Las Vegas on

Men can be oafs and they dont like being put on the spot when we ask them if something makes our butt look big. You need to work on you and leave him out of it while you are attempting it. You know what clothes look most flattering on you right now after giving birth. Wear the things YOU feel cute in and dont depend on his compliments. Marriage is a LONG constitution and isnt always a bowl of cherries. You will work through it. Just remember a confident woman is an attractive woman. It's all in YOUR attitude.

7 moms found this helpful


answers from Norfolk on

You are insecure.
Nothing anyone says to you is going to help you because you are the one who has to become comfortable with who you are as you are right now.

Confidence is beauty.
It's not 'do you think I could wear pants?' - it's "I'm wearing pants" - or you say nothing as you are already wearing pants - does your childs father consult you before he gets dressed?
If you can't wear the clothes you use to wear then you get different clothes that fit your changed body.
Dresses don't have to look like they are painted on.
If you really like dresses then get some that are comfortable for you.
It's not looking at other women and wishing you had your pre pregnancy body back or that you were 10 years younger.
(We spend half our lives wishing we were older and the other half wishing we were younger - why can't we be happy about right where we are right now?)
You have a beautiful child and stretch marks come with the territory - be proud of them.
If your childs father is 37 then middle age spread is going to be happening to him soon enough - he's not (and probably already isn't) looking like a 20 yr old at 37.

This has little to do with your partner and everything to do with your self esteem and being comfortable in your own skin.
Learn to love yourself.
Get a counselor to help you if you need to but developing some confidence will totally flip your world view.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Do you really want to be with someone who would only love you if your stomach is perfectly flat and cellulite free? What kind of example would that be setting for your child?

I’m not saying your partner feels that way. I think it’s possible he is a jerk, but it’s also possible he had a moment of insensitivity and has redeeming qualifies. Only you know that. There is a reason, as someone said, why most women learn not to look to a partner for advice related to their appearance.

If he’s a jerk, why do you want to remain with him? If he’s not usually a jerk, then take him at his word that he loves the way you look and move on. If you feel he has become less affectionate towards you, discuss this with him. Let him know how much you appreciate it when he compliments you from time to time. Some men are more invested in the chase, and don't realize how important the day to day is moving forward. Caring for a young child can also be exhausting, physically and emotionally. If your relationship is going to last, it will be important for you to connect, be good friends as well as lovers.

In any case, I think you’ll be happier if you stop focusing on your body, because everyone’s body changes as we grow older. My guess is that you look lovely at 27, definitely not over the hill. But you are more than your body, what kind of person are you? What kind of person do you want to be? What kind of partner, parent, friend? What do you do in the world? What is your contribution? What are your dreams?

4 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

One thing you just have to accept: your body is not going to be the same as it was before having a kid. It can be crushing to your self esteem if you based so much value on appearance before you had a kid. Sure, exercise, diet and all those things to attempt to get back to pre-kid weight are all great, BUT your body will still have the wonderful evidence of giving birth. Embrace that!

What is the main thing that real men find attractive and sexy? CONFIDENCE.

Start working on your inner you and stop focusing on your body parts. You might fight less if you are coming to the table from a position of inner strength, confidence, and self-appreciation.

And what an example you can be for your child by addressing your own self esteem!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Your post is all about weight, looks, compliments, attraction, comparisons, and body types. If you make your life about that, well, that's what your life will be about.

You didn't mention a few important points. You refer to this man as the "child's father", not your husband or boyfriend or life partner. And you didn't mention your child other than to say "child's father" and refer to your pregnancy a couple of times.

When two people form a family, and when they are parents, there's a lot more than looks at stake. Of course, most people make an effort to stay reasonably healthy and keep reasonably well-groomed. But now there's a child involved. A child to raise, teach, instill values in, and provide with a loving, secure home.

You're a mom, and a wife/partner/whatever. Time to readjust your sense of what's important. I'm not saying you should let yourself go and not get your nails done or have your hair styled. I'm saying that you should focus on being a mother and partner, and stop obsessing about weight and looks. Do you compliment your partner on more than his looks? Do you tell him that you appreciate the way he interacts with your child? Do you create a home where there is peace and family togetherness? Do the three of you take walks or cook together? If your security comes from being skinny and young, those are fleeting things that don't last. Figure out where your security actually comes from - being kind, being pleasant to be around, being compassionate, being a loving partner, and that will last.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

Do not ask a question when you expect only one answer and are hurt when he doesn't say what you want. Sounds like you were fishing for a compliment and he didn't catch on. So you kept on asking questions. You started a fight because he wasn't saying what you wanted to hear and you kept trying to get a compliment.

A lot of people don't give compliments. Based only on your post, I wouldn't say he's a jerk. He doesn't know how to make you feel loved. Perhaps he's overwhelmed, feels inadequate because he doesn't know how to respond and feels your anger. Perhaps he's also tired of always trying to reassure you. Perhaps the two of you are not a good match.

Your post tells me both of you have communication problems. Part of it is your low self esteem. Part of it is the way your relationship became serious before you didn't know each other. You didn't become friends before pregnancy caused emotional and physical changes in both of you. Both of you started a serious relationship wit stress. Babies' change a couples' relationship. Even when couples are In a stable relationship they adjust to each other and have a foundation of trust. They've learned how to talk with each other. That takes time and works best without the stress of being pregnant and then taking care of a baby. The two of you started with the deck stacked against you.

I urge the two of you start couple's counseling. I urge you to also have counseling on your own to learn how to love yourself just the way you are.

If you don't have girlfriends and a life outside your relationship with him, get into an activity you might be interested in and where you're likely to meet women with whom you could be friends. Join a moms playgroup. Take baby for a walk. Hospitals frequently have parenting classes. Look on stores' community boards, in neighborhood billboards. Take baby to Baby and Me group at the library. I know it's hard to start something new. Do it anyway.

Have fun with your significant other. Take walk's together. Go out to dinner and movie. Spend an evening at home together with mainly small talk. Do you have any interests in common? Build a life together.

Do not expect him to be your only support. Do not ask him about your appearance. You don"t like his Answers so don't ask. Each time you look in the mirror say, I'm pretty. Fake it until you make it

Added: I agree with much of what Michellel S said. She said it more succinctly (with fewer words) you are still together because of the baby. I suggest he is angry. I also believe your relationship is doomed. That he stayed because of the baby is good. You want a loving relationship. He's not able to give you what you want.

Counseling will help you decide whether or not you want to continue with him. It will help you find options for your life.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Portland on

My husband hates when I ask him clothing questions. Dreads it.

This topic is often in stand up comedy routines for this very reason.

This is what girlfriends are for. Good girlfriends know how to be honest, but they are kind :)

It's kind of the same with asking men about our bodies. You just don't go there.

Has your boyfriend/partner learned this? Ah sadly no.

I can't tell if he is a jerk or just saying what he's thinking, no filter - or both. He hasn't learned the golden rule - you don't compare women to other women, and you don't compare us to what we were before. You certainly don't voice it.

The thing is, men's bodies change too - and it would be like us saying "Hey, remember when you were smokin' hot before you had that belly?". We don't, and the thing is, they don't ask.

He was a jerk for saying it for sure. However, I'm sure he thinks you are smokin' hot. Men really don't care about this stuff - stretch marks, cellulite, etc. I am tiny and have cellulite. My husband doesn't even get it is cellulite. He has asked "Where?". They honestly like the overall form of a woman. That's what does the 'Schwing' (Wayne's World) thing for them. They do not notice every little flaw we have.

Is your guy a jerk otherwise? If so, bigger issue.

My advice - just know you're gorgeous as you are, no one looks the same after kids or as we age, and that's totally fine - we're still beauties. Remember, those young gals are insecure too. Work on your insecurity. You alone can do that, he can't fix it.

I'd leave him out of it :) Best to you.

* My suggestion would be to say you weren't asking him to compare your physique to his nephew's girlfriend's. You were asking about the weather. I can't say my husband ever said something like your partner said to you - no. He said other bumbling things though - but nothing as inconsiderate or as rude. My husband's more a twit but has learned. He means well and thinks he's lucky to be with me. If your guy doesn't feel that way, I think we're all saying, there's bigger issues. But focus on your own self worth. He can't give you that.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

Hey B., It sounds like you are going through a hard time on two levels: with poor self concept and with your relationship with your boyfriend. I would start really coming up with a plan to bolster your sense of who you are: increase self care, start a spiritual path, spend more time with people who accept you, build friendships etc. In terms of your partner, I would ask yourself honestly: is his callousness just a bad moment or is he truly a jerk? Be as honest with yourself as you can. If your gut is telling you he is a jerk, the sooner you move on with your life the better. Don’t lose yourself to someone who isn’t kind and loving. If he just had a bad moment, let him know you need to feel his support more often.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

What an idiot he is to say that.
Having a child changes your body (and that's just fine)….something a man never ever know.
Here's what I will tell you, never ever ask him how you look in something.
You don't need him to compliment you nor do you need his opinion.
I think you can tell he's not going to ever to give you the answer you're looking for.
From here on out, I would never ask him a question about your outfit. Instead, I would really think about it and figure it out myself. Will I be comfortable? Will I be hot?
I've learned this as I've aged and listened to my friend's husbands say something to their wives that was unkind. And those women are beautiful not that that matters.
Let me tell you something right now sweetie, you are all you ever need to be. You're perfect and you're amazing. Never forget that.
May you have a wonderful day.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

No one knows better who your boyfriend is. Or how he is. Is he a jerk or just blabbing fool.

My husband learned! Lol but trust me how you think about yourself others pick up on! So build up your self confidence! Don’t forget he should be running after you - you the younger chick 🐥 vs you worry who he is looking at! He can stay home and watch his baby as you go for a walk with gf, or go the gym.
And hey nothing wrong with making him a little worried or jealous that other men are looking at you. And comment on other guys if that gets his feathers ruffled! See if he likes it! ( can you tell I am not passive?! Lol)

I too got prego when dating my boyfriend. 12 years difference between us. I had no problems raising my child alone, I made sure he worked at it to be in my life! ( we have been married for many years now-he stepped up and proposed and got me a nice and I mean nice engagement ring and by now we have 4 kids together) My suggestion..men appreciate things that they invest time and money into- hint hint.

And if this one is worth keeping ( as in he is a good husband material, amazing father and awesome provider) build up your confidence and from time to time give him taste of his own medicine! Good luck hun!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Appleton on

His verbally and emotionally abusive. This is called gas lighting and is extremely destructive to your emotional well being. You need to make a plan and get away from him.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from New York on

I wonder how much of this is actually you . . . my husband says dumb stuff all the time. If I took it all to heart, I'd be walking around pissed off all the time. On the other hand, if he says something stupid and I call him on it and he says either that wasn't what he meant or that I took it wrong, I let it go. Why do I have to carry around anger like that?

He said he loves you. He said he loves the way you look. Why can't you focus on that? Why only the stupid negative things that you are likely reading way too much into? Was he stupid for pointing out something incredibly obvious about you and this other person having a different shape? Sure, perhaps even insensitive, but again, you could take it as "super skinny" - maybe that isn't even attractive to him and "7 years younger than you" - well that is just a fact and young people do dumb stuff all the time, like wear pants on a hot day when a dress would be more comfortable.

I think you are being paranoid and clearly you are depending on him to elevate your self-esteem (which you need to be happy with you before you can be happy with anyone else). The fact that you are with a man you barely knew before getting pregnant says quite a bit.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

There are probably enough answers here that could help you, but I keep thinking about the fact that you are 5 2 and 137 pounds. I am five feet and 147 pounds, look fine, just went to the doctor the other day and was told I am doing great. I wear clothes I want to and throughout the years I have felt like I look good and so much better in confidence since when I was a teenager. I tell you this now-you are fine just the way you are. Whatever your weight...we are all DIFFERENT. Stop letting this person belittle you or acting as though he is superior. It isn't worth it. So is he perfect? no body odor ever? not a wrinkle on his skin? Never has to shave, just naturally looks amazing?No need to exercise? does your definition of him being truly attractive match everyone else's definition or are you like so many - thinking he is amazingly beautiful and that everyone else wants him because you are extremely attracted to him. I remember before I actually knew, met, or married my husband I thought he was gorgeous and said to another woman ...ohmygosh he is gorgeous. And she said, him? euuuw...so not everyone on this earth necessarily wants your husband. I assume -husband? you said child's father...Do not let this happen. Do not give away yourself to anyone on this earth. You are the only you you have and you must celebrate your own beauty and if he is doing that he may be using this as an underhanded way to hang onto YOU. I have seen men or women who feel threatened that they will be abandoned and so they undermine the other person so they don't leave. It is seriously abusive emotionally. And perhaps he is just a slight bit naieve and didn't realize he was hurting your feelings and maybe you should accept it when he says he loves you just the way you are. Now you have to love you just the way you are.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Boston on

Not like you asked once and he said “omg. You can’t wear pants. You are too heavy.”. You asked once and he made a nice suggestion but then you had to push it. And sorry but 5’2” and 137 does sound a bit overweight or overweight if you want to be super attractive to almost all men. He can love you but still think you’re a little heavy. I love my husband but he’s gained a bit too much weight. And he makes fun of the little belly I’ve developed. We’re in our 50’s though so both are a bit like “whatever” but I’d never be mad at him or upset if I knew he didn’t like how my stomach has started to look. He can’t help it. You haven’t been married long or even known each other that long so why shouldn’t he kinda hope you still look like you did while dating? You’re still young. Does he keep himself in shape? If he doesn’t, then he’d be a hypocrite if he cares how you look. But if he does, then he makes the effort. Back to original discussion, you asked twice! You shouldn’t have pushed it. I guess you want him to lie and he even said you’re different vs you are bad and she is good.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Miami on

You don't sound overweight at all, and I have no idea what being skinny or young has to do with wearing pants, people of all ages and builds wear them. Some people look better in pants than in dresses, I am an example, so I found his response to be stupid. I think the problem here is that you two have nothing to bond you other than the physical aspect (and well, the baby now). You thought he was hot, he thought you were hot, now you quickly ended up pregnant, your body changed, and he's resentful that you no longer have the firm belly, so the enchantment is gone.

He is treading on dangerous ground with his negative comments, as this is usually when another man swoops in and gives the woman the attention and compliments she is lacking from her partner, and then she ends up leaving him or cheating on him. I think he was completely disrespectful in his response. He should have said that she was probably feeling hot and just tolerated it, but he suggested you wear a dress so you'd be more comfortable, or he could have said he just likes how great you look in a dress, without dragging another woman into this and saying "Do you think your body looks like hers?"

You probably should have returned the "compliment" he gave you by telling him he doesn't look like some other younger, more fit male member/friend of the family and never will. Sorry but, when someone is hurtful and doesn't even bother to apologize, I feel they need to have a taste of their own medicine. He sounds like a pompous jerk that needs to be brought down a notch and realize he's no Brad Pitt. I bet he's got his own flaws externally, we obviously know he has some internal flaws in not knowing how to show respect, kindness, politeness and affection towards his partner!

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