Seeking Advice on an Issue in My Marriage/my Head---long, Sorry

Updated on June 20, 2010
K.C. asks from Austin, TX
38 answers

So I'm not really sure what I'm looking for other than advice and support maybe. I'm feeling very insecure and everything seems very confusing, so I'm hoping even just typing everything out will help me sort through things. I feel like this is one of those things that gets so messed up in your head but once you put it out there for someone else's perspective, it all comes out clear. So here goes. My husband and I live in an apartment with our 2 girls and another couple with 2 little boys moved in next door a couple months ago. They seem pretty cool and we've hung out a few times, both as couples and guys only and or girls only. But for some reason, which I think stems from insecurity I get from time to time, I am worried about something happening between my husband and the wife. He has never given me any indication that he would cheat on me, in fact the exact opposite. He tells me he loves me about 20 times a day. This is why I feel so silly, but I can't help feeling this way. I get insecure about how I look sometimes and that just starts a whole avalanche of issues.

My husband goes out in the hallway to smoke a lot, and a lot of the time she goes out there to hang out and talk with him, too. She used to smoke cloves like he does, so she was craving them and has been bumming some off him. So really the frequency of them 'hanging out' started to make me uncomfortable. Her husband is the only one of us 4 with a job, so he isn't around as much. I don't smoke and don't like inhaling smoke so I don't go out there often. Also I'm usually inside with the baby. Her husband goes out there with them sometimes, too, though. And my husband and the wife share common interests that they like to discuss/debate. So I can understand that, and I'm fine with that. But I'm worried that she is attracted to him because I think my husband is very good looking, and he's also very smart and funny. Also he has told me of other times that women have hit on him or expressed interest in him or whatever, and has told me that he told them he's married. So I'm glad that he's open with me about that, and since I've brought up my discomfort with this situation, he's been open with me about what they talk about and invites me out there with them whenever they're in the hallway talking.

Also she has told my husband about how she and her husband were separated last year but are trying to make it work. Although last night she told him that she was going to file for divorce next week and had already talked to a lawyer months ago, and tonight she told me she doesn't believe in divorce and wants to try to make it work for the kids. Huh?!? Maybe she changed her mind, but I thought it was weird. Before tonight, she had only told me they were separated briefly, but that was about it. Didn't give me the details she gave my husband. She has also mentioned, and one of the times was like the very day after I expressed my discomfort to my husband, that she hopes I'm ok with how much they talk, etc. So I asked him if he had said anything to her about how I felt about it, and he said no, but it seems like too much of a coincidence that she mentioned it so soon after I told him. Also tonight she said something like 'I hope you don't mind how much we're out there talking' or something like that. It just makes me even more paranoid when she mentions it to me like she knows!

I know I probably sound like a raving lunatic with all this, and I'm tired of feeling sick about it, but I'm just worried at the possibility. He says he loves me and would never risk breaking up our family or hurting me or the girls, and he's not even attracted to her at all, etc. etc. Am I just making myself insane for no reason? What is wrong with me? Also our 5 year anniversary is in 2 days and I hate to be doing this now. Apparently she gave him some ideas for what we can do to celebrate though, since we were just gonna do the typical dinner and a movie thing, and he's kind of a stereotypical guy who doesn't know what to get me for gifts. :)

Update on McMama's question--he can afford cloves because we invested in gold and silver a while back, as well as sold a property that he fllipped last year, so we have savings. I do go out there with them with a glass of wine occasionally, and also she came over last night while my husband was out playing pool. I let my husband know how I feel because in the past when I've had this happen once or twice, it always turned out to be nothing and just my insecurities and information I didn't have made my imagination run wild.
Update on Melissa M.'s response--I am insecure because I'm not happy with the way my body looks after 2 kids and I feel that she has a better body than me. I know it is juvenile jealousy, but I can't help it. This will only add to how crazy I look (am?) but my husband always makes comments about how hot he thinks I am. Should I just stop typing now? This is sounding more and more ridiculous even to me.. Thank you all for the advice so far, I think I just needed a little boosting up. Maybe I should just go buy a hot new dress for our anniversary and shut the hell up...

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Thank you all so much for your responses! What I needed most, I think, was a confidence boost. So between your responses, a few library books, and some self-talk, I'm feeling better about myself in general. Oh and trying to work out and eat better, too. Although my husband reminded me he likes a little more meat on his woman, so not to get too skinny! :) He has also reiterated to me that he will tell me if she ever hits on him, and he tells me what they talk about, too. And he has started smoking on our back patio when it's not too windy and also checking to see that the neighbor is not home (i.e. her car's gone) before going out to smoke, as well as cutting back on how much he smokes since I don't like it period. So the neighbor told her husband that she wants a divorce and is waiting out his anger phase before they can work out the details regarding their kids, so I am trying to be a good friend to her right now. We talk quite often about how things are going with them, so she isn't primarily talking to my husband anymore. Hopefully this will be a win-win situation. And while I'm sure there is probably an attraction on her part, and my husband probably likes the attention/flattery even if it's not articulated, there is nothing I can do about that. So I'm reigning in my wild imagination but am still keeping my eyes open.

More Answers



answers from Los Angeles on

I stopped reading your post at this point:

But I'm worried that she is attracted to him

It takes two. He could be just as attracted to her.

Perhaps you saw something in their eyes, or it's their connection, the tone of their conversation, their chemistry, something that triggered your insecurity, or as I would like to think, valid concern.

Opportunity bridges the gap. Beware!!!!!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

It would drive me crazy too. Relationships start with conversations. Do you all have a patio he can smoke on and not the entry way? If he knew that it bothers you so bad, would he continue? Just be careful and really talk to your husband about it and be open, maybe he will stop.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

It may be totally innocent, and it probably is, but that is how my first husband ended up cheating on me. It wasn't about the physical connection with another woman (who I thought was my friend) - but the emotional connection that they seemed to form that did not include me.

I am married to an amazing man now. We have a steadfast rule - we don't hang out alone with members of the opposite sex. We don't ask members of the opposite sex for advice about our marriage. This is all out of respect for each other.

I would venture a guess that your husband wouldn't like it so much if you were hanging out in the hallway with your neighbors husband.

I hope everything works out for you.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Toledo on

Red flag! No matter how devoted your hubby is, this babe is on the make! She shares too much info, and makes every opportunity to spend time with your man. It's not about your insecurity, or his devotion to your family, it's about her worming her way into his life. Men are human, and his motives are innocent, but I gaurantee you that hers AREN'T! If she was really looking for advice and emotional support, she would be talking to a girlfriend or her mother, not some cute guy she recently met! Talk to your hubby, and leave out all the junk about your body and your self-image. He can test this chick and reveal her motives. If he withdraws from the "smoking in the hall", you can bet she'll try to spend more time with him some other way. "Can you help me with my car?" "Can you reach something for me on that shelf?" "Can you open this jar of pickles?" Your instincts are right on, and you're discounting them because you have "issues". Please don't-- I fear you'll be very sorry. I lost my first hubby to my best friend, and I've schemed on other people's hubbies( I'm not proud of it, but it's ancient history), so I've been on both sides of this story. She is TROUBLE!!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Phoenix on

This happens to me too! My husband says every couple of months I flip out with jealousy. And like you, my husband says he would never risk everything to cheat and I look great and all that. My husband was spending a lot of time at work with a female (he had no choice). He told me how great she was and all I could think was, she's single, she has no kids, her body is better, she has more freedom - I can't compete with her. I told my husband that the fact is, women want men to want them, even if the woman is not interested in the man, she wants him to be interested in her. He didn't believe me at first, but kind of tested that with her and found that sure enough she wanted him to want her. It boosted her self-esteem to think that a man would risk losing his wife and 4 kids because he wanted her so badly. Disgraceful! When my husband realized that, he totally saw my point of view and was much better about keeping his relationship with her all business.

I really had to struggle hard to push down those insecure feelings. I also channeled my feelings into running and trained for a half marathon. It helped me drop some baby weight and feel better again. Time passed and my husband barely sees her anymore. You have to have faith and trust in your husband or you will drive him away. You have to push those feelings aside and trust that he will do the right thing! Let him know that it's not that you don't trust him, it's that you don't trust her! Say, "I wish I wasn't the jealous type, but I can't hlep feeling this way. Can you please help me move past this? What can we do to get past this?" Hopefully, he will say that he will limit his time with her or not be so friendly when she is around so he doesn't give her the wrong idea.

I totally relate and feel for you! You have no control over what he and she do. That's my hardest thing, because I like control. lol. Just keep working with your husband and work on yourself and don't let this get the better of you! You can handle this! He married you! He loves you! He had a baby with you! He wants to be with you!!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Killeen on

I don't like her. You can probably trust your husband becasue he sounds like a good man who is too nice to needy ladies but would never cheat. I do trust HER though. She IS attracted to him and is playing on your insecurities.

I know how you feel. I have a wonderful husband. My body has changed a lot (for the worse in my opinion) and he still the fit, attractive man I married. He is funny, helpful and charming. I feel like people are looking at me and saying "what is he doing with her". But you know what, he is with me, and I though I am not the slim chick he married, inside I am still the same smart, funny and beautiful lady he loves.

Tell your husband quite simply that you don't trust the other lady. And leave it at that. Don't try to be friendly to her either. She is trying to trick you so she can spend more time. By even saying " I hope you don't mind..." and giving your husband "ideas" is too personal and she is trying to have some sort of secret with him and testing you.

Be proud- you have a wonderful husband, and she does not. Keep that in mind. I really don't like this woman at all.....

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I don't think it is respectful to spend regular time alone with someone of the opposite sex when you are married. Your husband sounds like a nice guy, and not someone who has any intention of cheating. But. . . married people shouldn't put themselves out there in places that could inevitably lead to temptation. And since you are all neighbors and friends, I find it quite inappropriate of her to share her marital ups and downs with your husband. Of course, she may not really have an ulterior motive, she may just be one of those people who needs to talk, doesn't really think about boundaries, and would have spilled it with anyone she spends time with, but still. It's too bad he can't find someplace else to smoke. Since your uncomfortable (and I don't blame you) you could suggest he maybe just take some walks alone, or take a smoke break while running an errand instead of hanging out alone with her so much. But I wouldn't continually push it. I would also be joining them more frequently. Buy yourself that new dress, and enjoy it!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

My first question (and not to pry) would be how could your husband afford cloves when neither of you are working?

Second thing is that if I were you, I'd get interested in inhaling that smoke quick, fast and in a hurry if you are worried. Make you prescense known and be there - maybe she won't come around as much!

I don't think there is any need in saying anything to your husband, unless you feel completely comfortable explaining to him that it's YOUR insecurity and nothing that he has done. If it comes off that you don't trust him, that will not be good for your relationship.

It sounds like she may be innocent, but I doubt it. I do understand wanting to have a smoke buddy and maybe that is all it is, but if that was the case, she wouldn't be talking with your husband so much about her marriage problems and divorce and all that.

My two cents - cut his habit out of your budget or go outside with him. It sounds like if shes' getting divorced that she may not be around long anyways so you may not have to worry about it.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Spokane on

I think you should ask your husband to find an alternative place to smoke, without drawing your neighbor's attention. If he is truly faithful, and wants to allow you to have trust in him, then this should not be a problem for him. The way I see it, if I was involved in ANY behavior that made my hubby uncomfortable, and he asked me to stop, I would in an instant. Even if I viewed it as harmless. Reassurance is what you need right now, and he should give that to you.

Some women are just needy, and if this one is hanging around your hubby a lot, your gut is probably right. Even if you trust your husband, you probably cannot trust her, and men are not exempt from temptation, no matter how secure your marriage. When she came to you and said she hoped it was OK if she and your husband were talking so much, you should have told her that you are not OK with it. You can certainly get your point across without seeming rude or insecure. Then IF, and when she takes notice that your man is no longer smoking/socializing with her, the point would be driven home, and she would see that you 2 are in agreement. This sucks. I have a very attractive, witty, and charming hubby too, and unfortunately, this seems to attract a LOT of attention from unwanted sources. If I'm not OK with something, I let him know, and he avoids, stops, leaves...whatever the situation warrants. He wants to foster my security in him, and that feels good. Good luck with this. : )


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on


1 mom found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

OK, I do have to say that you sound like a nutjob. And I don't say that to be mean. It sounds to me like you know that there is nothing to worry about.

The other wife and your husband are 'closer' becuase they have more in common. Maybe she needs a male's point of view with the whole divorce/separation thing. And maybe she's waffling on what to do (thus the different stories on different days) becuase it's such a huge thing to deal with when kids are involved.

I have to give you the other side of this, because I'm a woman that is naturally more comfortable with men. So this could very well be me that you're threatened by. I have 3 girlfriends, total. The rest are men that I have no interest in romantically. Luckily, my husband is fine with this. She IS telling you about the situation, just not giving you as many details. Maybe she doesn't feel as comfortable telling you everything. Maybe she feels judged by you. Maybe she is picking up on the fact that you're not kosher with things, but since you haven't told her straight out that you are, she's doing her best to make you feel included and not threatened.

They obviously talk about you as a normal husband would talk about his wife. So the question to ask is why ARE you feeling threatened? Why are you feeling insecure? Do you feel less attractive than you used to? Do you feel "not included" because he smokes and you don't? Do you feel that she's prettier than you are?
So far, this sounds like it's only about you, and not them, really. Before you create a situation that doesn't exist, I would look deep at yourself and find out what's going on.
Sorry if this is too direct, I'm not trying to be mean. Part of the reason I do better with men is that I tend to think more like men, in black and white, rather than emotionally. So I'm just trying to give the outsider's view and possibly the perspective of the other woman.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Do you guys have a balcony he can go out and smoke on? I think it would be good if at least some of the time she wasn't all up in the mix. I don't know if she is after your man or not but it isn't great that she is unhappy in her marriage and is spending all this time talking with your guy. I think I would just tell him that you like her fine but she is very vulnerable right now and you don't think he needs to be spending all this time with her. I would not like it one bit if my husband was outside talking to the same female neighbor ALL the time. It is just a matter of boundaries and respect. She should not always come out when he smokes but it sounds like she is not clear on boundaries and so he will have to set them. His intentions may be fine but we women are emotional and do connect with a man on an emotional level first, he may think everything is cool and she really be falling for him. Tell him you are a woman and you know the signs and ask him to give her some space. It sounds super fishy to me and I don't think you are crazy at all! Just talk to him and keep it about her, not that you think he is up to something, just as a woman you can see what is going on and you don't want to end up in some uncomfortable situation later. I wish you all the best!



answers from Austin on

If you can - try emulating the old adage: keep your friends close and your enemies closer. To me it's not your husband that is making you feel uncomfortable - it's the other woman. Your husband probably doesn’t even feel like their interactions are an issue, but I think woman can tell when other woman are overstepping certain boundaries. Sorry to say this but most men are not very bright when it comes to woman and their motivations or boundaries. Now back to my first statement, why not befriend her – get to know her better. At least this way you can tell if she is someone you can trust or not and maybe make a friend? But either way you will know.

Also, don't feel bad about feeling insecure. I don't care what anyone says - EVERYONE has insecurities, whether it's feeling physically attractive or feeling like they can accomplish something. Everyone has issues, it's how you deal with them that makes the difference. Sheesh, I just heard that Shania Twain's not-so-attractive husband cheated on her. Look at all the good looking woman that have their husbands cheating on them and look at all the women who don't respect the existing relationships. No wonder why the rest of us are insecure =)

Good luck!



answers from Chicago on

I personally like Jennifer's comment. What your husband may see as completely innocent, she seems a bit sneaky. I would monitor it and make sure she doesn't start asking for help with things outside of a smoke break. Is she there every time he smokes? Trust your gut, but at the same time try to give him the benefit of the doubt, seems like she may be trying to dig her way in. Make your 5 year anniversary awesome, and take a break from worrying about her.



answers from Austin on

Hey Katherine, relationships can be extra tough after you have kids (and so often we're sleep deprived or suffering from "mama brain" from overload). My heart goes out to you. If this speaks to you, you might want to check out this free teleclass (you call in) on June 17th on Staying Connected to Your Partner with author R. Trudeau ....some cool ideas and sharing from other moms on how they do this. You register here to get the call in number. You can just listen in, too:


answers from Milwaukee on

I do not like this other woman's comments, to me it seems like she is hitting on your hubby and that she is trying to get into your head and make you jealous which in turn could really make a mess in your marriage (and then maybe she could get your hubby). Sometimes when a person is unhappy they do not want others around them to be happy and they try to sabotage other around them who are happy... or they go for someone that is happy in hopes that the happy person can make them happy too. DO NOT let her get in your head, she will enjoy knowing this is making you upset... also tell hubby how you feel and state to NOT share this with anyone because it is very personal.

I am friends with MANY men, only have a few female friends, and I NEVER say anything that would create doubt in the their or significat others mind that would mean I might be intrested in more then friendship. Maybe this lady just needs a man's input or they have things in common... but you also need to feel comfrotable and trusting about the situation... this women is not giving that feeling to you so something needs to be done.

Your hubby sounds like a good guy. I would tell hubby that some comments that this other lady has made makes you uncomfortable with all the time they spend together (even if it is just out in the hall smoking and talking). Maybe suggest that you are glad he has found someone he has things in common with but if he could end the conversation as soon as he is done smoking and come in (that way this other lady has less time with him). Do you have a porch he can smoke on, probable not otherwise he might already be using it.

You mentioned that the other husband it the only one that works, is there a reason why your hubby is not work... this might be a chance to encourage him to spend more time looking for a job which in turn is less time spent with this neighbor.

In the end it is hubby and you in the relationship... if this women is making you uncomfortable tell hubby that it does and say you would appreciate if he not hang out with her alone any more. Let him know of you are struggling with your confidance and that this situation is making it hard for you to get to a better place.



answers from San Francisco on

Judging from everything you said in your post, you don't need to worry. Get out there and drink wine with them more often.

And yes, buy that cute dress. Work out, and make your body the best it can be. Obviously you're hot - your husband says so. Try to have confidence -- it's the most attractive thing a person can have.



answers from Tampa on

I think your husband sounds like a nice guy and as for the neighbor lady... eh. She sounds like she's having a crappy time in her own marriage and she does probably enjoy the attention your husband gives her because he's a nice guy. Maybe she doesn't even fully realize that she's crossing any sort of boundaries (because she hasn't really, unless she's crossing them in her own head), she just likes the way she feels when she's talking to a nice, and nice looking, guy, and hasn't thought it through any further.
I know there have been times in my life when I've had male friends who were really nice guys and they had a girlfriend or whatever and maybe my own relationship wasn't going well and I'd find myself feeling a little jealous of their significant others. Not that I was in any way trying to get the guy but it felt good to get attention and I'd feel a little sad that THIS guy wasn't my boyfriend instead of the one I had (even if this guy wasn't the right guy for me and it wasn't really HIM I wanted, just someone who cared for me like he cared for the woman he was with). That would be my signal to pull back a little if he hadn't maybe noticed it already and pulled back himself.
So, yeah, I think this is the part where your husband pulls back, she needs to deal with her own stuff and it's not about him.
(Or, I could be wrong and she could be a total home wrecking slut in which case the answer is also to pull back. But I guess I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she's a little sad and in need of an ego boost which she should get elsewhere. Now go buy yourself a new dress.)



answers from Albany on

Personally, I'd read Jennifer's response. I have a friend who was in a GREAT relationship...I swear I never saw them so much as get upset with each other much less have a fight. He began spending time with the younger sister of a guy he grew up with who lived a couple of doors down from them and before she knew it, my friend found her marriage falling apart around her. (A large part of their initial conversations were about issues in her marriage...) Her husband now lives with this other woman though he still swears they are "just friends". Uh huh...

Anyhow, I completely understand what you are feeling as I can have jealousy issues too. When my husband and I first started dating, he was very trim, had long curly dark hair, and was in a band. He's a hottie too. :) Oh the stories I could tell you about the groupies. UGH!!! Talk about having to be secure with yourself and even then, sometimes it had nothing to do with my security or lack thereof but these women's inappropriate behaviors!!! I will say, I was more secure THEN though because when we started dating, I was 123 lbs, 5' 8", worked in professional wrestling, had begun my career, was finishing college, etc. My jealousy is much worse for me depending on how I look as well so that is one thing I would think about. What about your husband and you (or just you) working out, cooking light, etc. so that you can reclaim a body you are happy with? I am pregnant with our 4th right now so I completely get the "mommy body", but I already have a plan of action for after this baby is born to lose the weight. Since he is our last, I am very excited at the thought of getting my body back to what it used to be or at least close as I don't know I expect to ever weigh 123 again. LOL

(My husband has put weight on over the years and is working on taking it off himself right now. He just started three days ago and is already down 9 lbs.)

Other than that, I'm not sure what to tell you except that, does she show up EVERY time he is outside smoking? If so and it is not to bum a clove off him, I would find that weird. It's one thing for them to have a friendly connection but then it almost seems stalkerish. Does he pay attention to how much time he spends outside talking with her? I can tell you one thing, I'd be careful showing HER your insecurities. If she does have the hots for your husband, that just may be the fuel she needs to keep playing her game. I think your husband knows how much it bothers you and while he sounds like a good guy, he needs to limit how much time they spend together. I'm not saying don't ever talk to her alone or something but there is a line between acceptable and not regarding both, amount of time and topics.



answers from Pittsburgh on

Yes, you are making yourself insane or no reason. Relax and love your husband!



answers from Atlanta on

I think you should say something to your husband if he doesn't work how is he meeting these woman that hit on him and if he is so charming then I am sure an employer will find him just as charming if you get my drift he has to much time on his hands. This sounds more emotional than anything I say put your foot down and tell him that your done supporting her "clove"habit and he better get himself inside the house. Would he want you to do these things. The topics that she talks to him about are very personal and you should tell her that when she brings them up and let her know the both of you are not interested in getting in the middle of things, when she's outside smoking cloves who is watching her 2 beloved children. She sounds like trouble but your husband is the one that owes you and if feel insecure it's because he's not doing something right it shouldn't matter if you had 50 kids your relationship should be deeper than that.


answers from Saginaw on

This is just based on what I've read so I can only go from there.

It sounds as though you have a very loving husband whom doesn't mind talking/chatting with someone with common interests. But from the sounds of it, his heart is with you. Just by you telling the details of their conversations and finding that they are different from what your being told, means he is being honest with you. Now, does she have feelings for him, maybe? But, as long as you feel confident that your husbands heart is where it should be, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Oh and...I say HECK yeah, buy that fancy dress and go out with your husband!!!!


answers from Miami on

You are not crazy.
There is no freakin way I would allow my husband to even stand out there with that lying woman.



Stop hanging out with her/them.
Stop being her friend.
She is trying to be close to you, to be close to him.

Oh man, get away from her.
Get your husband away from the house more. Go for walks so that he can smoke on the walk. If he does have to go outside to smoke, go with him.
Ask him to smoke in the house and open a window and sit by the window and blow the smoke out the window with a fan next to him.

She has no business talking to another man about the troubles her and her husband went threw. She wouldn't talk like that with her husband standing there.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE - DON'T TRUST HER. When she is telling your husband stuff and you something different THAT IS A HUGE RED LIGHT!!!!!!

Talk to your husband. Tell him that you don't trust her.

Protect your marriage.
Believe me, you have a wonderful gut feeling ~ go with it.


answers from Washington DC on

it's very possible that she IS hitting on him, but your husband sounds like a very open honest guy and you should trust him. this type of suspicion is toxic. if you're married to an attractive man, other women will hit on him, that's just a fact. the best way to combat it is to be confident (confidence is incredibly attractive too) and deal with it in an amused compassionate fashion. when other women hit on my husband i generally compliment their good taste (not to their face, no one has ever been crude enough to do it in my presence.) but suspicion and neediness generates discomfort, not just for you but for your husband who is doing nothing to cause it. he should be free to stand outside and talk to people. if he constrained from doing this because it makes you jealous, it will almost certainly cause resentment. if HE gives you cause to believe something's going on, that changes the picture, but right now it seems as if he is a stand-up guy and it she who is causing you to make yourself miserable.
act as if you are relaxed, confident and that your husband being interested in anyone else is so unthinkable as to be laughable (since that's probably true.) keep acting until it becomes real.



answers from Washington DC on

It DOES sound like there's a big chance she has a crush on your husband. i'd say to him FLAT OUT: "I think she has a crush on you, I don't want her to think that you are leading her on, and so on..." Just be 100% open like you were on here.

Now, I don't think it needs to be a big deal. I also have a different perspective. I, too have a very attractive husband- he did some modeling gigs in the past, and I have yet to find a guy I find more attractive (yes, not even brad pitt or those silly twilight guys-lol!). Now, I know I'm being biased, but I also know for a fact that others find him very attractive as well.

Well, my husband happens to be a rock musician, so he gets a lot of attention. If anything ever gets too "weird", he says he's married. Aside from that, I actually like the idea of him getting attention from girls- as well as guys who like the way he plays music. I think it boosts his confidence! I would also never "but-in" if he's talking to a hot girl fan... I don't care, cause i trust him, and I want him to know that I trust him, too! Jealousy is ugly.

NOW- I USED to get jealous. It was bad. I found out later that it all stemmed from my abusive past as a child. I went to therapy, and BOOM, I got confidence AND my life improved in many other ways. I'm happy, I'm "settled", and bring on who-ever to talk with him... I love him and he loves me!



answers from Flagstaff on

I understand your concern but from the other side. My husband and i were great friends of a man named Patrick. He and I had an attraction but would never do anything about it in a million years. I love my husband and that is that. My husband got worried like you are now. But we had this deal that if we felt jealous we would talk about it like adults. He did talk about it to me and I responded that he is my one and only and that is true. We've now been married for almost 11 years. Back when Pat was around was in our earlier years. Talk to him like an adult whether or not you feel this may be silly. That way he knows where you stand.



answers from Washington DC on

I understand what you are saying. I felt the same way when I was with my baby's father... something about our relationship brought out the insecure girl in me. There are two issues I can see as possibilities here:

1. Your jealousy, which needs to be curbed, if you are to be in a healthy and good relationship with your husband. The best way to let go of such unhealthy feelings is to work on yourself, so you are the girl you are jealous of. Meaning, treat yourself well, dress well, and be your sexiest, on a daily basis. Not to compete with anyone else, but to love yourself. When you are confident, that is the sexiest thing in the world to a man.

2. I strongly believe in woman's intuition, too, and if you perceive this woman as a threat, she might be... she sounds a little predatory to me, bumming cigarettes and spending lots of time chatting with your husband. She can probably read your insecurities as well. And if she is going through separation/divorce with her hubby (or at the very least, having problems), she might be looking to your husband for emotional support.

What to do? You can set boundaries with her, like if you see them outside together, go out and sit right in between them. :) I did this once, when I was feeling insecure, just to "stake my claim", which, in retrospect, was very silly. Or you can just trust your husband to know what to do.

Whatever you do, try not to get pegged into that insecure wife label where your husband can use that as leverage and always refute your doubts with, well, you are just too insecure. If your husband says you are hot, and you don't believe him, then that is not his problem, it is yours - give your husband compliments, too, and make sure he feels loved by you. Then give him space, and trust him - because that is part of what marriage is about. It's tough, I know, but you can do it.



answers from Omaha on

1. Yes, shut the hell up and get a hot dress for your anniversary! :) I bet you're smokin' hot - especially to your husband! You had children, and that makes you one of the most beautiful people on earth! And if this chick is on the move for your man, then remind him that he need not go anywhere else to be happy/satisfied (and then REALLY show him AFTER the date)!

2. I think she is on the move for your husband. Her marriage is not working out, and she probably sees how devoted and kind your husband is to you, which makes her attracted to him (in addition to his good looks and their common interests). Ask yourself if your husband has increased his compliments to you and his devotion since he started hanging out with the neighbor (and before you mentioned your insecurities). If he has, he may be trying to cover something up, but he also may be trying to make it not seem like anything is going on if it's not. It's hard to say. It comes down to trusting him. I would not trust her at all, however.

3. If he knows you're uncomfortable or have ill feelings toward their hanging out, he should stop hanging out with her alone out of respect for you and your marriage. You have obviously mentioned your discomfort a few times, so I think by now he should get the hint to simply smoke his cig quickly, and come back inside to his family. If she's out there during that short time, then he can say very little to her to keep the conversation from going anywhere personal as it has before, and to keep from dragging it on. This won't be easy for him if they are friends, but his marriage and wife come first.

4. I knew a girl who would refer to her "man" as her husband (they are still technically married) when talking about him to women, and refer to him as her ex when speaking to men. Similar thing here with your neighbor and the divorce issue... it's possible she has her eye on your guy and is making herself more appealing to him by telling him that her own relationship is over. Does her husband know this? Does the couple act differently now than when you first met, before she told your husband of her plans to file? Think about those things.

I'm sure I've just confused you more, but they are points to consider. In the meantime, try to evaluate your trust for your husband and just kindly ask him to cut down the alone time with her because of your feelings. If nothing is going on and he is truly that devoted to you, he will respect your wishes - I can't say without a little protest as guys will be guys, but in the end, he will do the right thing if it's all innocent. Good luck, and Happy Anniversary!



answers from Boston on

I get what your saying. I would be uncomfortable with it like you. If I were you I would go out there with him. I am protective of my marriage just like you. I am a jealous women.....I do feel insecure at times. But that s just I have always been. I do not like women around my husband that I feel threatened by. My husband also loves me to death and says I am hot all the time! I am just a person who protects her marriage like you. Like I said I would go outside with him or better yet start asking hubby to go for walks with you. Good luck!



answers from Provo on

For starters, do you ever listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger? I guarantee that she would tell you to quit being your husband's wife, and be his girlfriend. Seduce him every chance you get! Don't wait until your "in the mood"...create the mood. Make him CRAVE you!!! And listen to whatever he says with genuine care and interest. Never accuse or judge him. REAL LOVE IS NOT WANTING TO HURT YOUR SWEETHEART OR MAKE HIM FEEL PAIN, EITHER PHYSICAL OR EMOTIONAL! And keeping him from roaming is best done by being his best "dessert".

I know. I have been married to my SECOND husband for 12 years now, and the honeymoon ISN'T over!!!


answers from Austin on

Do you guys have a patio or private balcony at your apartment? Maybe he could smoke there instead.
( and hope she dosen't jump over to join him ) :)

Ummm, this sounds like all kinds of wrong to me. Keep an eye on her.



answers from Lansing on strange she has the exact same smoking schedule!!?? I bet she puts her ear up to the door and as soon as she hear's him go out...pop...there she is. What a coincedence! I agree with what the other ladies are saying except for your husband's part. I agree she is a barracuda...but he's jumping into the ocean to pet her. Men love attention...we all do. I don't think they realize where the attention is leading until it's too late. It doesn't matter if he thinks it is is what YOU think. I would nip this in the bud asap..first with my husband (don't like this would you please smoke somewhere else) then with her (I don't know what your up too and I don't care. My husband is not your therapist or your shoulder to cry on.). If he argues or fights about it he might be having an emotional affair with her which can be just as damaging as a physical affair.
Test him...tell him you don't like it and you don't think her motives are good. If he say's okay and changes where he smokes great...if he put's up a fight and argues she needs someone to talk can trust him..why are you acting this way....uh oh... Trust me been here done this got the t-shirt!
I HATE when people (men) tell me because I'm a woman it is my imagination or I'm being dramatic. I have been married for 20 years...EVERY time I'd get that gut feeling something was up IT WAS!
You wouldn't be feeling insecure if your husband truly was making you feel beautiful. I've put on 40 pounds but still feel sexy because my husband makes me feel that way. Don't let either one of them make you think it is all in your's's in front of your face. Good Luck!



answers from Dallas on

My husband I went to a great marriage seminar and one of the "10 commandments of marriage" was you don't share personal details of your relationship with anyone other than your spouse (or marriage counselor). Even girlfriends. . . I thought it to be extreme, but you know what - I tried it and 1. my girlfriends and I have better things to talka bout and 2. my true feelings are expressed to the person who needs to here them - my husband.
Only to say, she should not be involving your husband in her business and he should not be there as a sympathetic ear PERIOD.
I think the concerns may be over the top/overthinking a bit, but definately some things that would raise flags in my mind too.
I'd talk to your husband from a point of bringing you two together as opposed to keeping him away from others. . .does that make sense.
Have a great anniversary!



answers from Charlotte on




answers from New York on

If you keep going down the road you are on with the way you think, you will surely do things to push your husband into the arms of another that is just waiting in the wings.

Work on your self esteem. Begin a new conversation with yourself about how you see yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and begin a dialog of love to you. For the next thirty days (it takes that amount of time to form a habit), I want you to tell yourself the many reasons why you are a wonderful wife and mother and just how pretty you really are.

True beauty doesn't come from the outside but from within. Your husband loves you but you need to learn to love yourself. It is good for your relationship with your husband and children for you to love yourself. Lavish you with love. What would that sound like? I love my...(you fill in the blanks). I have great...(you answer positively). You must begin to recondition your thinking and actions to be more loving to you and you won't have to worry about missy next door or anyone else.

Yes you do deserve your good looking husband because you look good too and your character is perfect for his success and your family's well being.



answers from Detroit on

I agree with Jennifer M's response, but I wanted to add to it. It boils down to trust and loyalty. I've been married now for 6 years and I have a close friend whose husband enjoys coming over and complaining about her. I have absolutely no interest in him and end up telling her everything that he has told me because of my loyalty to her. As a caring and loving spouse, I literally feel uncomfortable talking personal stuff to other men because I feel that I am betraying my loyalty to my hubby. The only person that you should share personal stuff about your marriage is with your hubby. My hubby feels the same way as I do when it comes to other women. I think that this comes from how you are raised. In some cultures, married people are not permitted to talk to people of the opposite sex unless it's regarding business. Honestly, I think your feelings are just and you need to address this with your hubby. He needs to learn to respect your feelings and earn back your trust.

Best wishes,




answers from Houston on

Was it the movie When Harry Met Sally, where it was said that guys couldn't ever be "just friends" with a woman? Whether your neighbor is just enjoying your husband's company or has goals of sleeping with him, I suspect that there is some ego to his allowing the neighbor to join him in the hallway. Perhaps he'd never go out in search of someone to seduce, the more time he spends with the neighbor, the easier it would be for something untoward to happen. I won't say its a matter of time, but isn't spending time together what brought you and your husband together in the first place. (Granted, there must have been some special chemistry that got you this far. But we aren't expecting him to leave you...just suggesting that the relationship between him and the neighbor could bring about an unfortunate, regrettable occurrence.)
Married with two children is a situation that leads to stress and cooling of the ardor that you had with him when you first started courting. Remember the old saw about putting a penny in the jar every time you had sex, and that more pennies are put in the first year than in all the years from 5 to eternity. If you keep him busy and satisfy his ego and sexual needs, you will love him more and get to have sex more, and he'll have no need for the neighbor.
As for your loss of figure...he will always see the girl he married if you keep his mind on your loving and not your body. Its looking at someone fat and sloppy with a headache that will make hubby look for something to satisfy his urges.
In summary, if the same girl he married is the girl he is living with, little Missy next door is wasting her charms on a solidly married man. If he isn't getting what he needs at home, she probably has what he needs next door and letting him bond with her daily isn't going to help your situation. Ask any guy why he doesn't cheat and he'll tell you he doesn't need to go outside the house to get what he needs.



answers from Los Angeles on

You hint your body may not be as good as hers and is not what you would like to look like after two kids. OK. Then do something about it. Diet and exercise. But remember this . . .
"A model needs perfect lighting, designer clothes, and professional makeup to look as nice as the average woman does to the man that loves her." And it sounds like your man loves you . . .

Add a little excitement to your lives. Watch the movie "Fireproof" and read and follow the movie's companion manual, "The Love Dare." Buy the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", and follow it. Its written about 75% for women and 25% for men. Women tend to either love or hate the book, but I got it after 30+ years of marriage and it helped my marriage tremendously. I liked it so much I gave a copy to each one of my married kids. (You can get the books and movie at a discount if you get them used on line. Try Amazon.)

"If you look for the good or bad in your fellow man (or husband), you will surely find it." Abe Lincoln. (inside comment is mine.)

Good luck to you and yours.

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