Hi There! I just need to vent and get a little bit of advice.
My daughter has a friend that she considers a good friend. This girl is sweet, but also has a mean side. They are 10 and I have taught my daughter that sometimes there are sides of your friends you don't like, not all friends, but there will be some. That you have to stick true to yourself, speak up when you feel something is wrong and also if it doesn't feel right weigh if the friendship is worth it. Most of the time they get along fantastic. However, my daughter has noticed that this girl says things to others at times to hurt their feelings. She has to be the center of attention alot. I see that this little girl really doesn't have the high esteem everyone says she does and is really insecure.
A little background, they are on a team together and this girl’s mom is a teacher of the team. After observing for awhile, I see that this little girl is craving attention from her mom and others and when she gets it it’s for negative stuff. She is also expected to be the best and she feels that she is better than most of the other kids. If someone else is getting attention or doing well, then she doesn't like it. If someone is friends with one of her friends and she feels they are getting to close she says mean things to that girl or shares secrets that she knows will hurt. My daughter has learned she can't share anything with this girl that might hurt someone else’s feelings.
Well, this weekend was my daughter’s birthday party. The morning of we found out she would not be there because she was grounded by her mom due to being disrespectful. However, that evening there was another party happening after my daughter’s birthday for the team. She attended that one. She never said anything to my daughter about how she was sorry she missed the party or asked how it was. Which, of course, is understandable at times because she was upset she did not get to go?
However, at the end of the team party her mom said they had a gift for my daughter, but she was not sure this girl has wrapped it and said it was in the car and sent her daughter out to get it. She did, brought it to my daughter and just handed it and walked off, no other words. When we got home my daughter opened it. It was a huge gift bag, but it had 3 things in it. A broken picture frame, a pair of earrings and a used stick on nail kit. My daughter was so sad. She said she had seen this stuff rolling around in this girls moms car weeks before when they were together. The earrings she remembered were ones her friend had told her she hated. She said she felt her friend just gave her trash.
I had nothing to say to her to make her feel better, because I totally agreed. What do you say to that? My daughters always been gracious when receiving a gift, even if it’s something she did not like. In this case, I felt so bad for my daughter; she is struggling with finding how this friendship is going to go. She likes the good parts of this girl, but this one really stung. I am also a little upset with her mom, who I think really should have had some part in the putting together the gift.
So, I really don't think saying anything to the mom is a good idea. I try to let the girls work it out. She is the teacher of my daughter also and it’s a slippery slope. However, what advice should I give my daughter on how to deal with this? There is the point about being gracious when you receive a gift. However, this gift sent a big message to my daughter and she’s struggling. At this age there are so many friendship dramas and its so hard for girls to find those true friends who really support you, have all the qualities you like and that you can share anything with.
I wish I had more to offer but I do not have much experience with kids this age yet. But, one thing I wish I were taught when I was a kid:
these types of friends are not friends. A person who makes you feel bad and brings you down isn't one to have as a friend.
I agree with Ally about the thank you card except i would add...for the earrings you said you hated.
Have the tough heart to heart with your daughter about how this girl is not really her friend (she may be one of those people who really can't have friends). I would encourage her to distance herself from this girl. Girls this age are mean people and I would encourage your daughter not to allow this girl to have any power over her or her self-esteem. Do your best to encourage other friendships if possible.
Good Luck.
M.
I am assuming that you are confident that finances are not an issue...some kids make do with what they have at home when money is an problem.
My guess is this girl was upset about missing the party and took it out on your daughter. It is also possible that she kept the "real" gift for herself.
Sometimes these lessons about true friendship are hard to learn. And unfortunately some of these lessons have to be learned the hard way. It's one of those tough facts of life moments. I would probably use this as a moment to teach my daughter "grace under fire". Teach her to be the bigger person and move on from this relationship. It hurts, but this girl just doesn't deserve your daughter's time, affection or friendship. Thankfully school is almost over and it will be much easier to sever the ties.
You have your daughter write a thank you note that says "Thank you for the broken picture frame, the pair of earings and the used nail kit."
I mean, that's what your daughter received, no? You are teaching her to thank people for what they give her, and so she'll be doing just that.
We've all done that tho, right? Been given a gift from someone that we didn't like so we re-gifted it to someone else? True it was tacky of the girl to re-gift something that the girl had spoken badly about.
If it were me...
To the mom: "I hate to bring this up but I was wondering if you had happened to get the gift receipt for K's gifts? The picture frame was broken and we'd like to replace it if possible."
Or, your daughter might say to the girl:
"Thanks so much for the earrings. You have some just like it right? That is so cool! Let me know when you wear yours so we can be twins! "
My mom and dad really helped me understand friendship and its degrees. My mom always told me there were friends and then there were playmates. Playmates were fun to hang around with and play, you get along OK. Friends were people you could trust and confide in. They were people you could count on when things were bad and that would be kind and forgiving. My dad told me that if a person were to go through life and have enough real friends to count on the fingers of one hand he was truly blessed. The key was in being able to distinguish the friends from the playmates. Once you do that, you know what to expect from them and don't ask for more of the relationship that it warrants.
It might be time to relegate this girl to playmate status. Fun to hang out with from time to time, they can get along and be social, but no expectations of anything more than fun playing. In doing that, your daughter can invest in other friends.
I'm sorry that your daughter was treated this way. I'm puzzled why the mother of the girl disallowed your daughter's party as a form of punishment, but allowed the 'team' party right afterward. I'm sorry, but that's not right. This child has some issues going on that need to be addressed by her mother, and it sounds like some personal attention from her mom would help her greatly. Honestly, I think I would gently encourage your daughter to pull back a bit from this hurtful friendship. You may be stuck with both of them for the next few years; I'd remain pleasant and cordial, but aloof.
You and your daughter need to understand that this other girl is not her friend. She is a bully. Friends do not treat others like this. Friends do not go behind someone's back and tell lies or secrets.
I think the best thing you can do is to start to back away slowly from this girl. Your daughter can still be a part of the team but not spend personal time with this girl. Slowly back away from her, no more going to movies together or having sleepovers with this girl ect. Only hang out with her in a group setting.
If the girl's mother asks questions tell her about her daughter's behavior. Tell her the birthday gift was simply the straw that broke the camels back.
I feel so bad for your daughter - she needs to realize the girl is absolutely not her friend. Drop her like a hot potato. Find other friends and boost her self esteem!
For your part, see about what you can do to educate your little girl on this.
I do feel bad for your daughter! This is a tough age for girls and a tough thing to take -- especially as your daughter had seen these exact items in the other family's car previously, etc. That would rankle, for sure.
It's hard for your daughter to get this part, but I figure you do understand that the "gift" was probably partly the girl getting back at her own mom, right? Kids this age make odd connections sometimes. I bet the girl's mom had pressed the girl with "You DO still have to give a gift even if you were not allowed to go to the party" and the girl's way of thumbing her nose at her own mom was to throw together whatever was around. The unspoken message was "Hey, mom, you don't want me to go to the party? Well, I'll give a cruddy gift and it'll make YOU look bad." Of course the girl doesn't get yet that it actually makes HER look bad rather than her mom. But I think there likely is that passive-aggressive motivation going on with this gift.
Knowing all that doesn't help your daughter but could help you in terms of knowing the mom probably is as deeply embarrassed by the gift as you were unhappy with it. And why be mad at the mom? She may have said to her child that the girl is now old enough to take responsibility for figuring out things like birthday gifts for her own friends.
Tell your daughter, "That may have been all she was able to come up with. I know you're hurt, but let's give the benefit of the doubt here; maybe it was a tough week and maybe she didn't really think about this much." Then please do have your child still write a polite thank you note -- show her how to take the high road no matter what. I'd arrange some play dates or get togethers with other friends not on the team in weeks to come, so your daughter remembers that this one "good friend" is not her only friend. Eventually they will drift apart if this one girl really has these issues with hurting others' feelings. I might have them together mostly in group settings for a while but not one on one.
I am curious though about one thing. You say your daughter will have to be with this other girl and the mom/teacher for many years to come. They're only 10. I'm not saying you should change teams over something like this gift that truly in the great scheme of things is minor! But really, it sounds as if these teams are locked forever with super-glue and will never, ever change. It's entirely possible that kids will drop in and out, that your daughter will find another team she likes or another sport or activity she wants to do instead -- do be open to her trying something else if she wants (and make sure she doesn't feel she is totally defined by this one team). The idea that she would be locked in with the same set of kids from 10 until whenever seems like a recipe for cliques and drama, especially if the teacher is also a parent of one of the kids. Just a thought. In other words -- be sure that this team, if it's so set in stone, does not become your daughter's main or sole outlet for her best buddies, or the potential for drama will increase.
If it were my daughter I would tell her that her friend seems to have moved on and no longer wants to be friends, for whatever reason, but doesn't know how to tell her. And, I would ask her if this is the type of person she really wants to be friends with. Your daughter can't do anything about her friend's behavior, only hers, and walking away from the friend and making new ones seems as if it would be best for all, even if they are on the same team. She can still be polite to her, but leave it at that.
It's a sad lesson to learn, but it happens. My nephew, 11 this July, was good friends with a boy for a couple of years, they did a lot together with each other's family and at school, and then about a year ago the friend began to make snide comments about him at school, stole some things while here at our home, and lied about it all to his parents. Talking to them did no good whatsoever, they actually stopped answering my sister's calls, she was still willing to have him over because she knew the family dynamics...dad out of work, mom overworked, money tight, attention going to the two older siblings in high school. My nephew was the one to say he no longer wanted to be friends with this boy anymore and moved on. This year in 5th grade they're in the same class and the boy has tried to stir things up, telling my nephew things and being mean to his friends, yet acts like they're still friends in front of his parents, so he knows what he's doing. But my nephew has grown from the experience, knows that friends don't intentionally hurt you, and is polite to him but keeps his distance.
I know it hurts to see your daughter hurt, but talking to the mom probably won't do a thing other than increase hostilities, even if they're more passive aggressive ones like the friend is showing. Reassure your daughter she's done nothing wrong, tell her that people change, and friends change, and it's normal and OK. What's not OK is to allow yourself to be treated wrongly. Use this as an important lesson in helping her build her self-esteem.
Oh! Please give a hug to your daughter from all moms in Mamapedia, and wish her a belated happy birthday! She did not deserve a 'gift' like that.
I agree, talking to the mom is of no help. The friend's behavior can still be excused due to age (maybe), but I wouldn't excuse the mom so easily. She (the mom) should have checked what her daughter is offering as a gift.
Maybe you can tell your daughter that sometimes people do funny things, sad things because they may be going through some bad times. Tell your daughter to be a little cooler with this friend. The girl has to realise that she needs to earn good friendship and relationships. The girl's mom needs to teach her.
I would probably encourage my daughter to find other friends and to see this girl for what she really is. We shouldn't have to deal with meanness just because someone has other positive attributes. There are certain qualities that should be accepted & cattiness & meanness are not one of them. Friends should not bring about sad or negative feelings on a regular basis. I mean, would you stay friends with someone like that? I know I wouldn't & I wouldn't want or expect my daughter to, either.
Maybe because her mom 'grounded' her - she decided to find a gift of her own through her own items? Maybe steer your daughter in that thought - that was the thought that counted, and not the actual items she got. Sorry she had to go through this!
I think the friend was embarassed about the gift and that's why she handed it to your DD and walked away. She probably wanted to get your daughter something else, but mom wouldn't do it.
Tell your daughter not to take it personally and not to hold it against her friend. Her friend probably doesn't have her own money or if she does, maybe her mom wouldn't let her spend it.
I think this was done by the mom, not the friend.
This is when your daughter learns that some people are just not going to be your friend - for one reason or another. It always stings when your child is dissed by another kid (and her mom) but they are the ones with the problem not your child.
Now that my kids are older I can clearly see that the kids who were trouble 5-6 years ago are even bigger trouble now. The girl who used to steal stuff from my daughter's room when she was 8 has been suspended from High school a few times (it's her first year of high school) and my it's my kid's impression that this girl has had multiple sexual partners based on what "everyone says". This kid is a troubled soul and so is her mom.
Tell your daughter a few things - 1) there are nice people in the world, and there are not-nice people. Some of the not-nice people are that way becuase their inner person is just hurt (hurt people hurt other people). This could be generational with the mom being messed up becuase her mom wasn't nice to her, etc. More is caught than taught and kids learn from their parents oftern. 2) not everyone is going to be your friend no matter how nice you are. 3) some people aren't worth being friends with becuase they are hurtful people (see item #1). Even if this other kid is sometimes fun, if she lashes out at other people it's better to just ignore the relationship and dfocus on other friends 4) some people have mental illnesses. It's not pleasant to think about and psychiatrists will usually not diagnose children but instead wait until they're teens to diagnose a mental health condition. But the traits of that mental health issue are there and come out during childhood in less dramatic ways - like this girl's situation. 5) it's better to have fewer good friends than a group of people who act like a friend only when it's convenient for them.
I've learned these things because my teenage daughter has been diagnosed with a mental health condition that involves her perception of reality as being way more intense than it really is. When someone rolls their eyes at her she perceives that the person hates her. When someone makes a friendly gesture she interprets it as the person wanting to be her best friend. Her ability to read social cues is all off and so she has a very tough time making a keeping friends becuase he responses to things, good or bad, are often inappropriate. She will get really mad at someone and they won't have any clue as to what they did wrong. We didn't know any of this until about a year ago and looking back at her childhood I can see how she's been living with it all along - even since infancy when her moods were so intense.
Bottom line is that we're all made differntly and your daughter is learning that there are just some people you're better off avoiding. This other child sounds like one that belongs on the do-not-friend list!
