Do We Invite Them to Be Nice?

You should invite her, however, you need to have a conversation with her to clear up any uncomfortable issues. You will constantly see her and her family among mutual events. This is a chance to set things straight. This happens when you are in large social circles. Talking about this may be just the magic needed.

I.

Barbara and Jana are right. I've recently ended a friendship with someone where it was just an up and down roller coaster...similar situation... we go to her parties, she comes to mine. Not anymore...who cares if mutual friends are there? You need to have personal peace at your child's party because throwing a birthday party is stressful enough in itself. You don't need to deal with "high school" attitudes when you have more important things to focus on. It sounds like you have your hands full with your little ones and they are your priorities, not this "friend" that may possibly have a tantrum. Good luck!

Hello i'm H. and i'm going through the same thing right now as you...my lil girl will also be 4 next month and i have a friend that is exactly the same way...an i'm debating what to do aswell...i'm not sure what to tell you to do...i just wanted to let you know that your not alone that someone else is in the same boat as you....i hope you get some good answer and could pass them along to me lol...

A.

We can not always make everyone happy, the only person here for this day is your daughter. Sometimes you need to think what will make this day better for my child not your friends. If you feel this is not a good time to make waves then invite your friends, and the start phase them out. Hope this helps

Yes. We teach by example. Our actions encourage like actions. One thing I learned raising my own children and now my grandchildren is that it is so easy to criticism and blame yet encouragement and support is what is really needed. By casting out your friend you close the link of being helpful. When you continue to shower kindness and let her know you're there to help, you may find the real reason behind her actions and be the person she needs to see and overcome her issues. Perhaps your other friends can help, too, by talking to her and being her support.

No you do not invite them...
sorry!

The previous invites of them to yours and your to theirs might have had polite intentions on your part. But then some people are about having a packed party and more gifts. So in my opinion why would she invite you if not to seek another gift? And your inviting her is only keeping up this need to continue to gift something. So if she is not your friend and her daughters not friends to yours... .then it is obvious that no invite would be sent.
You can handle this 2 ways.
Directly by explaining to her that you had to cut the list somewhere and many people where left off.
Or the better way with someone like this is to just pretend you sent an invitation and that she must not have recieved it. Of course do not tell her this unless she calls you...and if you time it right it will be after the party. As for the friends that can't help but ask, play dumb. When they ask.... reply with a question "I'm not sure, has any of you talked to her?"

The way to do this is to send the invites to people conneted to her in just enought time to give a weeks notice.

And then ... for sure she will feel snubbed... and not to worry because from how you have described her, she will for sure retaliate and not invite you to her kid's party. But if she does, just decline secondary to a family or work obligation.

Best of luck ....
I know a few of these myself

-MB

I would invite them. You don't have to pay much attention to her...but if it draws more attention to the situation NOT to invite her and may upset some of your other friends... I'd just do it so that you can concentrate on your daughter's party. Also, cutting a friend off who is a part of a "circle" of friends can cause that circle to fall apart. So, just think how you might feel about losing more than one friend in the cirlce over her pettiness... because the others may take pity on her whether it's fair or not.

I think it odd to use a kid's birthday party to hold on to adult friends. People grow apart - sometimes it just happens. But to invite someone you're not close to, and who your daughter is not close to, to avoid "drama"... seems to me like manipulation, on both sides. I know the language seems strong, but - from what you say, she would have a snit if she was not invited, regardless of your current circumstances, and so that's manipulating you into doing what she wants. You're trying to manipulate her into being nice to you, by inviting her to a party. ("Bonds that Make Us Free" by C. Terry Warner is an excellent book that looks into this, in part.)

Think about what is really important here. You're celebrating your daughter's birthday. We never had birthday parties when I was a kid - we got to invite one, maybe two friends over for a sleepover, pick our favorite dinner, and choose our cake and ice cream flavors. And we didn't have to wash dishes afterwards! Parties can be stressful anyway. Perhaps just set a numerical limit on how many people can come, and then choose within those bounds. If people ask, you could say something along the lines of what Barbara H recommended, or you could say something about trying to reduce your expenses by having a smaller party, or simply that a large number of guests was just too much. Think about who is really important to your daughter, who she will have the most fun with, and then invite only them. Charity invites tend to know they are invited "only out of kindness" and not from close friendship - and they tend not to enjoy the party because they get left out socially. I know. I've been there. I've gone to parties where I only vaguely knew the person, after having taken the time to pick out a thoughtful gift, only to be lost in the mass of children and ignored by the birthday person. I don't even think the birthday person truly appreciates the gift they get from the charity invite, because they're just not that close to the person. They value the person less and hence their gift and their company.

my suggestion is this, If you want to keep the peace invite the difficult ones also. You cannot change the behavior of another person, but you can control your own. So what if she never contacts you, so what if she's rude? Does it hurt? I'm sure it does. However, you do not give of yourself in the way of friendship in order to receive something back. You give because you are a kind, giving, caring person and a good friend. Don't sacrifice who you are, just to prove a point to someone who has mistreated you. One day those persons will learn their lessons. There are lots of "difficult to get along with" people in this world. Teach your children how to live around them, without becoming them by continuing to be who you are deep within your heart regardless of what the rest of the world is doing.

Well, that's my advice for whatever it's worth. Sorry for sounding like a preacher. I've been in your shoes with people taking advantage of me, walking all over me, mistreating me and my kids, and expecting of me what they were never willing to give, not to mention being rude with me and back-stabbing when i least expected it. So I know it's not easy to turn the other cheek and maintain a position of LOVE. However, I do know it can be done.

Good luck to you. God Bless you and your family. And do enjoy your baby girl's birthday regardless of what others may do when present.

D.

Maybe just keep the party QUITE small. If you invite only family and your daughter's closest friends, you can say that it was just a small gathering, so a lot of people didn't get invitations.

Have you asked her what's wrong? Maybe you could use your daughter's party as an opportunity to get your friend alone and ask if there is a problem. I'd wait til the party is almost over though...don't want a blow up to spoil your daughters fun...just in case there is a big problem.

My thought is that if you have tried to keep in contact and she is not willing, then let it go. Friendships come and go, people grow apart, and there are always new friends to be made down the road.

It's hard to "let go" of the past but sometimes it's for our own good. I've drifted away from some of my friends too. We still see each other at school functions or out and about and we still talk to each other but we don't hang out anymore.

It can be kind of awkward at first, especially if you feel you've done something wrong (even if you don't know what that might be) or feel like you are the bad one for terminating the friendship (even though it sounds like your friend already has), but it gets better.

I wish you luck and hope your daughter has a great birthday!

I don't think you should invite them if you don't want to. Its your daughter's birthday party and there should be as little drama as possible. Maybe she will realize she's not being a good friend if you don't invite her. Also, if her kids aren't nice, who would want them at their party anyway?

Four-year-olds basically want to play with a handful of friends. The party is about your child. Who is SHE interested in having at her party? THAT should be the focus. You don't have to be rude to people who are rude to you but the party is about your child OR only nice to those who are nice to you. If she doesn't remember them anyway, you don't NEED to invite them. You can be polite and invite them but don't feel you need to--don't be manipulated in such a way. Who does your child really want to see at her party? You can even say that you let her help make her own list.

I am a mom of 2 young girls and a recent cancer survivor. I speak from the heart when I say "CUT THE CORD". I had a "friend" that was bi-polar and very needy. She had young girls that got along well with mine, but as soon as I was diagnosed with breast cancer she split. Said she could stand to be around me because she could "see herself in me". The final straw was the day she contacted me regarding my "extra" painkillers. She heard from my fiance that I had just gone thru a bilateral mastectomy and the pain meds they gave me didn't work. When I told her I didnt feel comfortable giving them to her, she offered to buy them. She was nothing but an emotional drain. Even before I was diagnosed, she had to be the center of attention and drama - even during the girls' birthdays and holidays. I've learned that life isn't long enough to waste on drama queens, and now surround myself with positive friends and positive energy. My girls still ask after them, but I had to explain that it just didn't work out. And they deserve better friends too. I hope this helps :}

Hi A.,
I faced a similar problem in my daughter's 2nd Birthday. I had a Mom get upset and make a comment AT her party b/c her Son (who was almost 8 at the time) didn't get invited to a 2 yr old birthday party...I'm a new Mom so I don't know all the ettiquite...
I am part of a MOM'S Club and so is the Mom in question, so it's affected others in our very loose circle.
I'm so over it, BUT the other Mom isn't-she un-RSVP's anything she finds out I'm coming to...
Sorry-point.
Another Mom I know in the club had a Pizza Party for her Son ON his Birthday and invited the whole group. (If you know her schedule you could always plan it when one of her kids has dance etc...so you know she wouldn't be able to make it-that would be just Too Bad :-).
My Point is that you could have a little "social thing" not nec. Pizza and make it like an open house for a couple of Hours (so if the annoying Mom DOES come you don't have to put up with her for long).
Then have a "private party" with the "big" cake for family and her really close playmates.
This way your broad circle of friends will be satisfied that they were included (i'm sorry, but my opinion is that some in your circle could stand to grow up a bit) AND you can save the "good Party" for the people you actually get along with and your Daughter actually PLAYS with on a Regular basis.
I'm sorry you are in this situation, people can be so difficult.
I hope my 2 cents helps and Good Luck!
C.

I wouldn't invite them to be nice, and I am always the one trying to be nice to everyone. There comes a time when you have to put your foot down with people, even if you like them. The old addage give an inch and they take it a mile is true. Also, do you want your daughters to see that people can treat their mamma like that?

My husband and I have the same dilema with people sometimes, but it's family. Hard as it is (harder for me than him) you just can't let people get away with bad behavior.

i have a friend who is probably 30 yrs older than me. She told me one day that a person has many acquaintances and very few true fiends.So maybe this could just be one of your acquaintances and not a true friend. If it was me i would just drop it with her. Good Luck with what you do in this situation. Have a wonderful party. T.

I hope this doesn't come too late! I figure that if you really just don't feel that she's returning your friendly gestures, and if you just don't feel like you're friends anymore, she will know exactly why she wasn't invited. It doesn't have to be a mean thing. When your mutual friends ask, just say, you know, I just never see her anymore - we've drifted, and my daughter doesn't really remember them. Don't let this woman bully you by threat of fit into doing something you don't really feel right about. This is your life, and this is your daughter's party.

L.

I agree with MissTheresa that we teach by example, but it sounds like this women is using you as a doormat and that is not something you want to teach your dauhter to be. This is your DAUGHTERS party not an Adult social event. These ladies need to but there big girl panties on and get over it. Life is too short for all this dumb DRAMA. Stop worrying about your social standing, talk to your daughter find out who SHE wants to be at HER party and go from there. Good Luck
A.

Invite the children your daughter plays with - after all, it's HER party.

In this case, I guess I would ask myself if the consequences of NOT inviting them outweighed the consequences of including them. There seems to always be someone in a large group of friends that isn't as comfortable to be around. If you don't have any really hard feelings, I would invite them. That way I wouldn't feel guilty and then it's in that mom's court to respond. If it makes no difference to you if she is upset by being excluded and what others may think .. don't invite (this is sometimes a stand you have to make) - but remember she may also be friends with some of the others in the circle of friends and those folks will feel like they have to take sides between the two of you. It may cause those friends in the future to have to decide which of the two of you to invite. In this case, I would say send them the invite and you won't have to worry if it was the right thing to do or not. It seems to be the politically/friendly right thing to do. Remember, it's really about your daughter in this case, not the adults. Please remember that going back to talking on the phone will really help you "hear" what is going on with friends. Email and online chatting has really distanced some friendship who say they "talk" lots but actually just email a few times a week/month and haven't really "heard" from each other in months/a year. Rather than sending her another message, call her and tell her you haven't spoken in a while and you just wanted to catch up. See what happens. In the meantime, drop her an invite in the mail.

me personally, if she acted that way getting offline etc and i very rarely talked to her, i wouldn't invite her and if someone asked i would just say well i was limited on the number of people i could invite so i just had to narrow the list down and let it go at that, better yet when they ask change the subject it really no business but your own who you do an do not invite. If its your inner circle of friends i would think they would figure out why you didn't invite her.

Okay, first of all, she will be 4. She is old enough to tell you who she wants to her parties. You can not make everyone happy. Then when she asks, say, We let XXXX invite who she wanted. I am sorry. We couldn't invite everyone. This shouldn't be a problem. I have a ton of friends and if I invited all their kids. WOW.... I would go broke. It's your daughters party! It's not a social standing party. I have a 3 yr old, 9 year old and a 15 yr old. I let them invite only who they wish too. Good luck!

all this drama and arranging and lying sounds like the woman you are trying to avoid. This is ridiculous. As a little older mom to a 9 year old. This drama is in every group of women no matter the age or context. People are people. Invite your daughters friends to her party as well as family etc and take cupcakes to moms/playgroup. and call it good. Some in playgroup will be at the party some won't. There is more to this than pary invites if she goes offline at your attempts to speak to her. I would call her and invite her to lunch to talk about what has happened to offend her and NOT mention the party at all. If the relationship is important to you. IF this is "just how she is" then she doesn' this to others and it is her problem. If other people are so rude as to ask why you aren't inviting people to your home/party don't dignify them with an answer. Life is truly too short to stress out about invitations to a birthday party. Plan a sweet party for your 4 year old and HER buddies. The end.

IMO, if she doesn't talk to you and always seems to avoid you, why make your daughter's birthday party awkward...it needs to be fun. I wouldn't invite her. When you take pics you want happy smiling faces in the pics. KWIM?

If it was me, and someone asked why she wasn't there, you could say "we aren't as close anymore, and she hasn't talked to me. I didn't want her to feel obligated." but that's me. Because if someone doesn't talk to you till its your kids birthday, looks like you are just wanting an extra gift. I know you have tried to talk to her, but she is not going to tell the mutual friends that she signs out when you try to IM her. Ya know?