How to Handle a 5 Yr Old Who Sign up for Things, Then Can't Follow Through!?!

Good Morning D.,
I guess my question is, is she otherwise social. Does she have fun with friend and other kids in her age group. If so I wouldn't worry and revisit these extra activities when she is a bit older and more comfortable. Because ate this point these activities are nolonger fun or productive for her or you. I believe if she continues on this path she'll get in the habit of quitting when things are difficult.

Possibly try waiting a year or 2, then when she sparks an interest in an activity let her know how important it is to see it through. By then she will most likely be able to stick it out even though it's scary.

Good Luck!

T. G.

That doesn't sound like a fun activity for her at all. Perhaps you can find a class you two can take together? Like an aerobics class at the gym, or a belly dancing class, something interesting but not where she is in an uncomfortable situation. Just because you don't understand her feelings doesn't mean you should minimize them. My daughter baffles me all the time. Heehee.

The other lady's suggestion about Brownies/Girl Scouts is a really good one. You can be as involved as she needs you to be while she gains confidence.

I had a daughter like this. My advice would be to stop signing up for things for a few years until she will be more able to handle it. You can do other fun things that don't require her to be away from you and then when she is older she will be fine. I know the popular wisdom is that if you don't do it now you will create a co-dependent child who will never leave, but I have found the opposite to be true. My second daughter was afraid to leave me last year at the vacation bible school, then this year she couldn't wait and has had no problem. What she needs is loving reassurance and security not a frustrated mom (believe me, I have been there. The dance classes or whatever will still be there in a year or two when she is ready. Good luck!

This sounds a bit more severe than a simple clinginess. She may need to see a child psychologist, especially because this issue happened last year as well.
Im also bothered that there wasn't anyone at her camp to try to ease her into a new place. There should have been a counselor or someone whos responsibility it was to come over and make her feel comfortable. You shouldn't have been upset with your daughter, but rather with the professionals who should have been taking care of her. Will they be too busy to watch her while shes there, too? That would really concern me and i'd have second thoughts about leaving my child in the care of these uncaring people.
Lastly, if your daughter has a problem like this, the absolute last thing you want to do is yell at her and threaten her. This will only make her issues worse.

I would just stop for a year or so. You are spending money on something she is not ready for. The dance teacher's response was interesting and I think it is great if you have a program where the staff is highly engaged with each child. However, you and your child are at the point of experiencing anxiety as the start date approaches. I think you have no choice right now to take a break. We have such a tendency in this society to sign kids up for all sorts of activities at an early age, assuming that we are depriving them of enrichment and stimulation if we don't keep up with our neighbors. I bucked this trend when my son was small (he is now 20) and he did not have a different activity every day, believe me. We did a lot of interactive things like museums - often you can buy a family pass for a place like the Ecotarium and then use it for admission to other museums like the Boston and Providence Children's Museums. Even if you only go for an hour, you don't feel you have wasted the price of a single admission, you know? So you don't have to overtire the kids just to get your money's worth. They often have programs like animal presentations or other things where kids can interact but the parent remains alongside. We also took nature walks and caught frogs and built ant farms. We went to a local farm/garden center to feed the animals for just the cost of food. We went to the fire house and climbed on the trucks - the firefighters welcome this, as they are either on an emergency or they are sitting around. They want to encourage fire safety in kids.

My son is now extremely social and confident, and was able to mix in with all kinds of other kids on his own from an early age. I don't regret one second of his early upbringing.

I don't think you can push your daughter to develop confidence by taking privileges away. I think you DO have to stand your ground on not enrolling in any more activities. If she cries, you can make it clear that she's not able to handle things without crying - either the activity or the lack of the activity! Tell her you don't want her to be upset and you are going to try some new things. Make it fun rather than a punishment, and the confidence will come on its own.

Quitting is not an option. You're setting the stage for future events and she'll never follow thru on anything.
Maybe she's just not ready to go to dance class or play soccer.
Wait a year and revisit the topic.
Consider meeting with 2 or 3 friends each week and rotate houses. As her comfort level builds, maybe you will be able to leave her at the friend's house and see how that goes.
But don't let her quit. She will think that applies to everything.

Hi D.,
First - yes, it is frustrating - but your daughter is not doing this ON PURPOSE. My youngest sounds just like her. She wants SO BADLY to do the things the other kids do, but when it comes down to actually doing it - she is shy, intimidated, and just plain frightened (general anxiety). Please be patient and continue to let her try. As she grows older she will get better - but when and how long that will take depends on each individual child - and no matter what, you can't force it. You can only give her "tools" to deal with her fear, and experiences to build on. All the things you describe your daughter as doing - mine has done exactly. The dance class. Soccer. It's especially hard when the teachers/coaches are not understanding. Last year - signed up for soccer. Went to one practice, left halfway through crying. She was very intimidated. Claimed she hated it. But guess what? After a year of watching her sister play, learning a bit about the game, and some impromptu soccer games at her daycare, she asked to sign up again ! I was shocked, but yes, I'm letting her try again. She feels more confident now, and that will help her. Two years ago, we sent her to Y camp (when she was 5). She said she hated it, but I could tell she was enjoying it but was just intimated. This year, after watching me drop her sister off for 3 weeks, she decided she wanted to try it again. She LOVED it and wants to go back - even without her sister being there. My daughter has gone from not speaking a word (literally) at daycare for 2 entire years, to now being able to think about going to a new camp on her own. It's taken 4 years to get to this point. She couldn't be rushed. She needed love and understanding because she WANTED to do it - she was just too afraid. I suggest you get some of the many excellent books for parents of children who are shy/quiet/have anxiety. These will help you to gain some understanding of your child and not get as frustrated or angry - AND most important - give you the ability to give your daughter tools to deal with situations in life.
As far as the comments about "quitting" - that's very unfair. For someone of your daughter's temperment - it is a huge accomplishment to simply try these things. These children need to set much smaller goals for themselves. I looked at the "wasted" fees as a substitute for therapy. It would cost you far more to go weekly to a child psychiatrist. And if you yourself tried a new sport or activity and weren't enjoying it - would you FORCE yourself to keep going? I think not. Children need to explore new things - how do you know if you enjoy it unless you try? There are things in life that you can't quit - school, for example, and there are plenty of opportunities to teach the "don't be a quitter" lesson. This is different. Your child is having anxiety. That is a psychological issue that you need to deal with in a supportive manner. Good luck!

Hi D.,
sounds like she may have separation anxiety.. or some type of social anxiety or fear; maybe a consultation with a child psychologist or therapist could be helpful. Also, maybe you could start smaller by signing her up for one-day activities, such as storyhours at your local library.. etc.. and let her start off small, knowing you're right outside the door.. Definitely stop signing her up for anything longer term, until you can get to the bottom of this issue.. How about playdates, where you may drop her off at a friends.. providing small bouts of time away from you, and getting used to you 'dropping her off'.. good luck to you..
L.

I am interested in seeing what responses you get. My son is 4.5 and sounds very similar to your little girl. He gets very excited to go to an activity (soccer, swimming, a party, even day care) but when we arrive he becomes clingy and wants to be carried. He will often cry and whine too. When we ask what's wrong, he'll say that he's shy. I don't want him to think that being shy is a bad thing so I tell him that it's okay to be shy but that he can still participate in whatever said activity.

He had a meltdown today at soccer...cried and wouldn't participate at all. Mind you the 1st time he went (today was the 2nd), he volunteered for games and participated in every activity. I was with my husband who was all set to bring him home but since that was what my son wanted I felt that we shouldn't give in.

I have noticed that he tends to do really well when he is the first or one of the first children to arrive. It gives him time to warm up to the situation before the other children arrive. It also helps if he is well rested and fed. See if that works.

Good luck and know that you are not alone :)

Wow. It's so nice to hear of other mom's having issues with their 5-year-olds and anxiety. I thought I was through with the separation anxiety phase and it has reared its ugly head again. So, in short, I feel for you.

One thing that has worked great (so far) is a reward calendar. We don't live close to a Chuck E. Cheese, and my kids are enthralled with it every time they see the commercials on TV. My problem is the babysitting area at the gym. So I created a calendar and told them that if they did 15 tears-free visits to the babysitting area, I'll take them to Chuck E. Cheese as a reward. 10 visits down, 5 to go, no tears so far. So maybe find something or somewhere that your daughter really likes/wants and use that as a reward. Maybe 1-3 visits to start and increase the reward time and prize.

My second suggestion is to find an activity for her that has more one-on-one opportunity with the instructors. Maybe a dance class with a smaller size, or an activity that has smaller class sizes, or greater teacher-to-student ratio.

Lastly, if she hasn't started Kindergarten yet, maybe this anxiety is related to the anticipation of that. And maybe her confidence will grow once she's in Kindergarten. Just some ideas. Hope they help!

I was a VERY shy little girl. The story you tell of your daughter reminds me of my first day at gymnastics. I was terrified. I cried and I clung to my mom. The thing that helped me were the teachers and staff. One teacher in particular approached me, while with my mom and talked me through it so that I would join the class. It's a process. Perhaps you can call ahead and see if one of the teachers is willing to talk with her in the beginning to make her more comfortable. It's tough because I was eight so it wasn't an age issue. I eventually grew out of it, but it took time. I was probably 13 or 14 when I started becoming less shy. Now people are stunned to hear I was so shy. I credit my parents for their patience because that fear as a child is something I remember. Firsts were always the hardest for me, but once I got through that first day I was always happy I did it. Good Luck!

be loving, approving, kind, compassionate, understanding and say it's completely fine, acceptable, ok, and normal! any disapproval, punishment, or pressure will only make it worse and shame and scar her. she can do what she wants when she's ready. keep giving her time and space and loving, gentle, encouraging opportunities to try. good luck!

My daughter didn't get anything out of the first few "camps" she was signed up for when she was 4 and 5. She didn't have a complete meltdown but she'd stubbornly refuse to participate and she would cry a bit as well. Looking back, i realize she was just too young, even though the dance and soccer camps sounded so good to her when we talked about them, it either wasn't what she expected or it was too much for her as she can be a little on the shy side when she's in a new situation - i made her stick with it for the most part because i didnt' want her to think it was okay to quit, but i'm not sure that she was old enough then to get it. By age 6 she was loving the week or 2 of soccer and dance. so i wouldn't sweat her missing out on fun activities - there is plenty of time for that, in fact in a few years you'll probably be hoping that she slows down on her activites and just enjoys the summer!

It's unfortunate that the teachers wouldn't or couldn't take the time to give her a little tlc to get her over the hump. If they were that busy, it sounds like the class might be too big anyway and she might to better in a smaller class setting. just a thought. good luck.

I'm a dance teacher and have teacher certification K-12 and deal with such issues on a regular basis. I always recommend that parents:

1) don't express any anxiety about dropping off, leaving, etc - nor should they overcompensate and over-explain things - a simple "I'll be back when class is over." will work for most. Kids very easily adapt the same behavior as the parents - when they express anxiety and nervousness, so, too, will the kids - they are adept at reading emotions.

2) (most important) - drop off and leave QUICKLY with no drama. The sooner you leave, the quicker they will get to bond and trust the people in charge. The more drawn out the situation becomes, the less likely they will adjust and want to stay for any extracurricular activity. A good teacher/coach will have methods on how to engage and involve the child. And a good teacher/coach will know after the first or 2nd session if something will not work out at all.

In this area, once children have been allowed to get away with "backing out" of something, they will continue to do so because they were successful. They know what buttons to push.

Other suggestions:
* bring a stuffed animal or something to be the audience and watch the class
* sit in the car and leave a cell phone with the person in charge in case of a major disruption - by being out of sight, the child will have no choice but to get used to the leader in charge

Patience is key. If you sense that the teacher/coach can't find a way to encourage, look elsewhere. We have a program for 2 year olds and we have only once in 13 years decided that someone truly wasn't ready for the program. They came back when they were a bit older and were fine. While adjustments of this nature might take 4-5 sessions, follow through is key as you are establishing the atmosphere for future classes/sports, etc. We had a child this fall who was questionable about continuing with the program - probably our most challenging one yet. And we were successful and we made the most progress with her than any other student ever. Patience! Perseverance!

Good Luck!

A.
http://www.danceexpressionsunltd.com/parent_info_guide.htm
http://www.danceexpressionsunltd.com/

I went through the same thing when my daughter was smaller. Is your daughter ultra-sensitive since she was a baby? Did she cling to you at playgroups or cry she did not want to go to parties, then did not want to leave at the end of the play date/party? Is she sensitive to noise, tags in her clothes, bright lights, hunger, tiredness? Very picky about food textures? My daughter is and always will be ultra sensitive. Highly sensitive children tend to be empathetic, smart, intuitive, careful and conscientious but they are also easily overstimulated and require patient parenting in order to prevent temper tantrums, stress illnesses and the avoidance of pleasurable group activities. A book by Elaine Aron available at Amazon.com about this personality trait has been very helpful to understanding my daughter. http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Ove...
Try something is a small group setting where you can stay to help out, maybe Brownies? Good luck.

I have 4 children and some of them tried the same thing. It's normal for kids to do this. What worked for me was that I made a rule in our home that you "have the choice" to sign up for something if you want to....but you "do not" have the choice not to go to any part of it. You have a choice again the NEXT TIME "not to" sign up again, but you do not have the choice not to go this time. Now...The next time she wants you to sign her up for something....Act happy and be positive about it and tell her that it sounds like fun, but...make things very clear to her. Let "her" make the decision to sign up or not. Make it clear that there are No choices not to go once she does. Tell her what the rules are up front. and Stick to IT! Don't give in. Odds are that She "will" decide to sign up and make the commitment. If not...let it slide. She will hear about her friends having fun with different events and eventually give in.
Good Luck
S.

At least it was only a week long class. Maybe it's just the surroundings aren't familiar to her. Maybe till this class ends you can just sit with her and watch. She might end up getting up and joining in on the class. But then in the future when you are going to sign her up for something if you could bring her to the location numerous times somehow before then and tell her this is where you are going to take such and such a class. It's very important that you follow through with your commitments. You don't mind signing her up for whatever she wants to do, but that you do want her to give it it's full attention. And tell her if she doesn't like it once the class is over she can pick something else to try if she wants. But if she's unfamiliar with the location that could be causing her anxiety and if you get her used to it beforehand then maybe she'll be more willing to participate. Does she go to school? Maybe it would be good to wait even until she's more used to being away from you for a given amount of time. Or if she does go to school if you could find an activity there like scouts which if you're so inclined you could also volunteer to help out with she'll be more willing to participate in those extracurricular activities. You might just need to find a location she's familiar with to start her out with.

D.,

I don't have advice for you but will be eager to read what others have to say! I could have written your letter myself. I have four kids, and my second-oldest is five-years-old. In the past she's gone to gymnastics or ballet classes without any trouble, but she is having a lot of trouble this summer. She doesn't do well with change, and she graduated preschool in June, and ended her dance classes at the Y. Now she's become very emotional. She begged me to sign her up for gymnastics classes this summer, so I did, but when we went to her first class in June, she wailed and cried. She said she really wanted to do ballet, not gymnastics. So I gave in, got some of my money back from the gymnastics, and signed her up for dance camp since she was so eager to do that. Camp starts next week and she is already crying about it...saying that she's too scared and can't do it. I don't think that money is refundable, and I'm not sure where to go from here. It's supposed to be fun, and if it isn't fun then I don't want to force her to go, but I can't keep spending money for activities that she "really wants to do" and then have her scream and cry when we get there! I would love to hear the advice that other people have!!! Thanks!