How Do I Solve My Daughters Problem?????

My answer will not be popular but your daughter needs to spend time with her father. One hour is not enough time. How would you like to be restricted to that little time with your daughter? You are interrupting his bond with her and catering to the needs of a six year old. Of course she prefers to be with you since she is with you all the time and your environment is familiar and comfortable to her. By restricting how much time she continues spending with him you are only making the problem worse. Smoking is a less than desirable trait but you cannot very well dictate what goes on in another adult's home. That is part of divorce/separation/joint custody.

There's a fantastic book that helps parents and kids work through exactly these kinds of struggles, plus the many more that most families will experience during the child-rearing years.

Check out the book by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The authors have years of experience teaching parents how to help their children identify and communicate their feelings and needs, and participate in finding their own solutions. They also teach parents how to establish their own needs and boundaries in a clear, understandable, and respectful way.

I use this approach with my 4.5yo grandson, and it really helps him when he's having a not-so-happy time.

I'm just wondering if she's picking up on your stress over his living situation. Have you tried telling her "I love you very much and I'm always going to be here when you get back. Your daddy loves you too. I am glad that you are getting a chance to spend time with daddy and it makes me happy when you get to be with him on your visits"?
Sometimes the kids feel they are being disloyal when they spend time with the non-custodial parent. Could you all meet somewhere and spend the day? (You mostly reading a book?) You could try a park, movies (you go see a grown up movie while they see Toy Story 3), water park, swimming pool, etc. That would eliminate the driving part for him.....

I was in this exact situation with my oldest daughter, and unfortunately, by law you cannot keep her from doing visitation with her dad. My daughter would cry and scream every time I would leave her with her dad, but unlike you, I had reason for concern. Every time she would come home she would have some kind of bruise or bump that she did not have before she went. Overtime, each bruis/bump got worse, and I was about to call my attorney when her dad disappeared out of her life for the second time. Trust me it is very hard to send your child, but unless you want to lose her to him you really need to follow the visitation that is set up. If it is not working out, contact your atorney and set up a mediation to figure out what will work for everyone. I agree that if there is not a danger for your daughter to be with her dad, then she needs to be there. She may not like it there, but he needs to figure out what HE can do to make her feel more comfortable being with him. All kids want to stay where they are familiar with things, but life is not always like that. It is better for her to learn now that we sometimes have to do things we don't like rather than later. I hope this helps!

I have to say this. I think your interrupting the visitation. I agree while she is at her daddys home no smoking around her. She needs to know her dad, she needs to see him. You need to encourage it. She will be grateful when she is older that you did not hold her back from her dad. You really need to work this out.

Hmmm.
As for driving anywhere, I got into a car accident and couldn't drive for a very long time. Driving makes me extremely anxious sometimes. If he's never had her in the car with him before, he might not be sure what to do.
I couldn't drive for over 2 years with a broken right leg and I'm telling you, driving makes me nervous. I'm just being honest.
I'm wondering if your daughter isn't feeding off of your "anxiety" about her being around people who smoke. You've kept her away for that reason before. My parents both smoked and my kids loved going to stay with them. They didn't smoke right in their faces or anything, but yes, they were subjected to cigarettes and cigarettes aren't good for people or children.
Maybe they can compromise and only smoke outside. I'm sure they'd be happy to do that as long as they got to see her.
My husband is a maniac and I wouldn't want him at my house to see our kids, in fact he's not allowed here.
Your daughter may just get to missing you and I think it's good that he let her call, but what you might try to do is reassure her that you will be home waiting for her when it's time to come back.
I have a sensitive son. He always worried about me when he was with his dad and always worried about his dad when he was with me. I think it's pretty normal. That's why the child needs to be assured that THEY are okay so the kids can have happy time with each parent.
I would no more go to my ex's to see my kids than be a hobo and hitch-hike across the country. I understand the not being comfortable thing.
Again, your daughter may be mirroring the discomfort between her two parents when really there should be a solution of some sort.
She loves and misses her daddy when she's not with him.
She loves and misses you when she's not with you.
But, you can let her have the best of both worlds.

It sounds like he loves her, so, whatever issues he may have doesn't have to be a reason for her not to get to love him.
There's a paranoid schizophrenic in my ex's family and we've never kept our son away from him. We don't leave him there alone with him, but that's a different story and they do have a great fondness for each other.
I guess I'm saying you can't X someone out if they have "issues".

Maybe your ex will feel safer taking her places with a little practice or knowing that you won't be judgemental.

Baby steps.
I hope you get it worked out. Her dad may have issues, but she clearly loves him and as she gets older, she'll be more understanding.
My kids were raised around Alzheimer's, down's syndrome, cerebral palsy, mental issues and they are the most awesome kids. They have a heart for people that have "issues". It hasn't harmed them.

Best wishes.

If you have a parenting plan then you NEED to be going through the courts & or mediators on this one... or refusing to take her can place you in contempt and give him grounds for assuming full custody.

In the parenting plan certain things (like smoking within the home) can be addressed so that they are not allowed.

IMO it's absolutely reasonable that he not want to spend his time with her in your house. Situations in reverse... if you only had one day with your daughter, would you want to spend it in his & his parent's house?

Of course, all of this might be moot if you do not currently have a parenting plan. But even if you are not divorced... since you are separated (and even if you have never been married)... he can file and reasonably expect the courts to grant a petition for 50% of her time if he is her biological father.

So when looked at that way... 1 hour, or even 1 day vs 3.5 days... it's just something to be very very aware of.

I'm sorry that you feel you are in a situation of turmoil.
Many kids have parents that are not together, and must go to visit or spend custodial time with the other parent at another house. Your daughter may need to get over that. Do you have a legal custodial/visitation arrangement? If so, do not withhold the visitation or you could find yourself in contempt of court.
Sadly, it sounds like dad is not complaining about less time with his daughter. If he can't drive her someplace, then maybe he needs some psychological help, and maybe you can do the driving - take her to the movies or amusement park and he can meet you there, he won't have to drive her.
As for the smoking, it is terrible to smoke around the kids but you can't tell them not to smoke in their own home, it is their choice to do so. You can try to go through the courts to eliminate the visitation in their home but that means he'd have to visit her at your place, which you said makes him uncomfortable, or take her someplace which you also said makes him uncomfortable - honestly it sounds like he is looking for any excuse not to spend time with his daughter at all.

YOU don't solve your daughter's problem - this is her dad's problem to solve. The only thing I can understand from his perspective is not wanting to be in your house. Otherwise, he needs to man up, learn to drive with a child in the car, and figure out how to entertain her and PARENT her. What is the deal with her making him call you?? He's the grown-up and he doesn't obey her every command. You can't control the smoking in the grandparents' home without a court order to modify visitation. Do you think Daddy probably takes her there so Grandma can do the parenting? Or because he has no ideas? Does he have toys there for her?

He needs to take his daughter to the park or to a museum (tell him to get a free pass from the local library - they have everything) to engage her and have some fun. I'm not sure if the anxiety he feels is a new issue, or if he always experienced it. If it's new, he needs to address it and get over it. You say he got upset when you kept her home - but then he is letting her call you and cut short the visitation. So you're both messing with the schedule and it's not working for any of you, including your child.

You could consider meeting him somewhere and dropping her off there with him so he doesn't have to do the driving part, but if she still uses a booster, put it in his car and LEAVE. Don't answer your cell phone if he calls unless he leaves a message that it's a true emergency - and I mean, like she's in a hospital, NOT just that she misses her mom. Tell her you are going somewhere and what the designated time is for seeing her again. Then Daddy is in charge and it's her special time with him. You love her, Daddy loves her, she's lucky to have a daddy who wants to see her so much. And tell HIM you're not answering the phone so he can just cope and be a dad. If she needs him like you say, then she needs to tough it out and get used to him. Frankly, if there is a lot of second-hand smoke in that house, it doesn't much matter if they smoke in front of her or not - she still is exposed. So make a decision about her being there/staying over there, and get court back-up if necessary. Then give your daughter a consistent visitation schedule that she can depend on and your ex can carry out. The constant changes are worse for her. She's aware that she is in charge since she complains to you and you adjust the schedule. I believe in listening to kids but not in letting them dictate everything. My husband fought like crazy to see his 2 kids from his first marriage, and he treasured every moment with them. The schedule kept them feeling more secure and they knew when it was daddy time. While it's great to be flexible in visitation schedules if both parents can get along, right now your daughter needs a strict and dependable plan. Everyone will feel better for it, I promise!

Keep her home if posssible. If she does want to go because she misses her daddy, be at home to make sure you can pick her up when/if she calls to come home. Visitation should not be forced, and there's nothing wrong with short visits until she is more comfortable (if). Good luck and I hope your ex could at least not smoke in front of her, maybe that would help her feel a little better!

Hi Pixie,
In your post you stated that she did stay at her father's for an hour. Is it feesible for you to drop her off to visit for about an hour or so and then come back and get her. Explain to your ex that you don't want to force your daughter to stay over night or even long periods of time, if it's uncomfortable for her.

Also, is it possible for you to meet him somewhere, like the mall, park, etc. and they spend some time together and you come back and pick her up? Tell your ex that he will need to compromise in this area until she is comfortable with being at his parents house.

I hope this helps.

Maybe your daughter just feels uncomfortable there now, I'm not sure how long you kept her away. Maybe his parents make rude comments about you and she doesn't want to tell you, but feels uncomfortable around them. Whatever the problem is I think you should respect her and not bring her there if she doesn't want to. Give her some other options like meeting her daddy somewhere fun like the park or any other place. You can bring your daughter, but your ex should just figure out how to get himself there to meet up with your daughter. If he can't even do that much then he really needs to grow up and learn some responsibility. If the only option to him is to have his daughter dropped off at his door, and she doesn't want to go, then there isn't much hope of a relationship. At least when she's older you can say that you tried to keep him in her life.

I read all the answers. Good answers. I can only ask some questions or stress some points.

She's at an age that will change and she easily picks up on your former stress about the smoking. ("Me thinks" you should have seen that coming when you didn't let her go there.)

Can you ask the parents to smoke in another room when she's there?

can you ask the parents if they'd be willing to drive their son to a fun place each tine in the beginning so the child will associate him with fun?

Can you ask your husband if he'd come up with some ideas to solve the problem before he resents seeing a girl that doesn't want to be with him and just mopes and asks him to go home?

Can you ask your husband if he'd be willing to talk to a doctor about trying a daily pill for anxiety to help him drive? (Prozak or Celesta) Course, if he is lazy, he'll want to use that excuse not to work and live off his parents. But you didn't mention that.

Can you ask your daughter what she does when she's over there? Do they do anything fun? Does she like the food? etc Then use that for a discussion to see if he is willing to try new things.

Unfortunately too many parents 'love' their kids- but it doesn't always translate into doing what is best for the child. It sounds to me like your daughter is being pretty clear about not wanting to be at her daddy's house. If he really loves her and wants to be a good parent, he would not force it- it will only backfire in the long run and make her resent him.

I would try talking again to him. Explain that it is not that she does not want to see HIM- but that she is not comfortable at the house or spending the night. She is little and it is important for her to be in a place she feels secure. Ask him to please understand that if he pushes it, she will get worse, not better.

As for the not driving, lol, I can relate. My ex does not drive either so I always had to drive my son to meet him and pick him up, etc. When he got married again it was a godsend because now his wife is the one who has to chauffeur him around!

If he is not willing to take her somewhere during the day, I suggest you take your daughter to see a counselor. If your husband objects, then you may have to go to court about it. But obviously your little girl is more upset than she has been letting on- her signals are very clear here. If your ex is so selfish that he won't acknowledge that, then you may have to get some legal backing to help him see reason. Unfortunately, there isn't a lot else you can do if he just won't make ANY compromises. Good luck!

The fact that her father has never driven in a car with is daughter I find strange. I have a 4 year old in my daycare who's dad has court appointed dates for visitation, twice a week, now she loves spending time with her dad but doesn't always like going to his house, they smoke as well, and she has a half sister who is horrible and she gets in trouble if her sister does something wrong, plus her half sister bites, pinches, hits pulls her hair, and all they do is put the half sister in time out, so there may be things going that you are not aware of. Unfortunetly this is what divorce does to children. My daughter's best friend had to go to her dads every other weekend from age 9 to 17 and she hated it, not so much spending time with her dad, but the being passed back and fourth, her life security was very shaken. So you see it can be a number of things, that she may not know how to express to you. J.

If he has that much anxiety, that he cannot even get into, much less drive a car, then he is not safe to be guardian of a 6 yr old. It sounds like he has more issues than that if he "MUST" have his parents around when he has her. Sounds like his parents are about as flakey as him, if they are smoking in her presence too. A real dysfunctional mess over there.

Do not put your child's health (smoke inhalation) and safely (mental instability) on the line for the comfort of your ex. If he really wants to see her, he will need to get well . If he really wanted to see her, his
'slight discomfort' of picking your daughter up at HER front door would be secondary to his desire/love for her. Are you prepared for this to go on for the next 12 years? You said your daughter is in constant tumoil over this. And Im sure you are too. I am not trying to be mean, but only firm. You are contributing to this by allowing it to continue. It is time to put your foot down. You need to put your daughter's emotions about it (missing him) aside for a moment and see the forest through the trees. She doesnt understand. You need to explain to her that Daddy needs to get well. You cannot parent based on emotion, you must parent based on logic and reason, from a mature adult perspective. It is not logical or reasonable to put her in that situation. It IS logical to expect him to step up to the plate and do what is required of a father, and that includes not inhaling a drug while in her presence, and picking her up from her house. That is minimal. Until you expect that of him, he has no reason to change. If he cannot do that, then he is not parent material and forfeits his parental role until he pulls himself together. If anyone else wanted to take your daughter and put her in this situation, I'm sure it wouldn't be ok with you. Do you really want your daughter exposed to him with a drug habit and mental anxiety? Children learn by watching and mimicing behavior just as much or even more than they do by verbal instruction.
What would you'all do if you had no car to take her over there anyway.

I would just say talk to her, and do whatever she wants to do, if she wants to come home, then bring her home, if she doesnt want to go over there, well have HER call her dad and tell him herself, try to do whatever helps HER, that should (and I'm sure is) your priority, as for him, well there might be things that he doesnt like, but sounds to me like you have been very accommodating to him, so hopefully he'll understand that it is her that feels uncomfortable and try working around it. I hope you can solve this dilemma, and more than real advice I will just send you my best and best of luck!!!

Take her when she wants to go, and bring her home when she wants to come home, even if it's only been 2 hours. It doesn't sound like he's going to fight you over it.

And as long as she isn't exposed to it every day, the cigarette smoke is not likely to be harmful when it's that infrequent. My mother used to blow smoke in my face every day, and I'm quite healthy.