How Do I Get My 21 Month Old to Be NICE to Other Kids

You need to be more firm. Once she shows aggression, you pull her out of the class or park and make her sit down next to you for several minutes for a time out, in which she must immediately go and apologize to the child.

If she does it a second time, you take her directly home. She needs to see the physical consequences of her actions.

In one child psychology book I have been reading, it talks about knowing how she will react to a situation before it arises. If you see she is starting to get agitated, or not sharing, pull her aside and calm her before the hitting/pinching happens.

I highly recommend this book by Dr. Sears, it will help a great deal.
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

Some advice is on his website, but the book is better.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

It's amazing how one child's personality can vary so much from the first! Good luck, it will work out.

My son went through this, and still has days. Try not to explain it to her too much. Always say to her," gentle touch". And show her what that means. When she does hit, pinch, or kick, remove her IMMEDIATELY. Take her to the side and get eye to eye with and repeat "gentle touch only" and again show her. And then maybe tell her that her action hurts, make others sad etc. Like if she pinched tell "Pinching hurts, that made your friend sad" etc. But always always make sure to remove her away from that child and do some form of a little "time out" Stay consistent, she will get it. But you have to make some form of a consequence. I HAD and I stress had, a friend whose child was very physical, she was constantly hitting, pushing, and biting my child. The real problem for me was that my friend would scold her daughter, who would then cry and mom would immediately pick her up and hold and comfort her. Needless to say the aggression NEVER ceased or got any better, so because of that and many other reasons we are no longer friends. Yes kids go through these phases, but how you handle it is very important! Hang in there, as long as you are pro-active which you are being, it will get better. I know how frusturating it is in the meantime! She may be very sweet to the new baby and never hit her. But if you can stop this now all the better. It basically stopped for my son, but like I said he has his days. It seems to happen when there are alot of kids around, or he may feel intimidated. Maybe watch for triggers?

I didn't read the other responses but I just want to tell you that my daughter sounds exactly the same as yours. She is the same age, will be 2 in november but started this "mean" phase a little younger and is just now growing out of it. THANK GOODNESS! I too avoided parks for almost a year and was always hovering over her making sure she didn't randomly go up to a child and hit them, or grab their hair.
Everyone told me the same thing, it is a phase and it will pass... I am guessing it is a really long phase.

We did time outs, at first just in my lap but then later in her room. If we were out we would go sit on a bench or in the car or leave. I also every time would say be nice, be gentle....

I think it was her starting daycare (about 3 months ago) that actually helped her to understand not to hurt. Just being around kids 2 mornings a week and she learned the social boundries.

I'm sorry I don't really have much advice, I just really felt for you as I read your post because I am going through the same thing.Their is an end, just keep doing what you are doing, being consistent with discipline is the best thing for her.

I found out too that a kid that NEVER got hit was a hitter when frustrated. At her age, she's not able to understand that the other person feels pain. Until she matures into compassion for others, I look at it as my job to be her restraint. Watch for signs that trouble's coming and remove her before something happens. You can remove her kindly, no need to be stern. She is being removed and she is not hitting. This is what you want to have happen.

Hopefully you'll see a pattern - a certain amount of time, a time of day, tired, hungry, not getting what she wants. And this will clue you in to do your mom stuff.

She's still young and will come around. My son was a big hitter and is now a very kind child. Many times more compassionate than the other kids he's around.

Respond to her challenges with compassion and you are addressing the issue and at the same time teaching compassion.

I have a 6 and a 2 year old. The second is more physical in general but also shows more frustration often due to her sister and disagreements about toys and sharing. My little one has started hititng /pushing in frustration and pulling hair. All it really took was getting one good reaction out of her sister. However, she does this with no one else so it's a little different. And like you, my older daughter never hit.

One part of it is dealing and preempting frustration. I listen really closely and intervene before it gets physical. Not always, but I really try to focus on stopping the behaviors I see leading up to my toddle's bad behavior - like her sister saying "No, that's my toy." I am there in a flash to guide the negotiation.

Second part, when my 2 year old hits i make her stop playing and leave the situation no matter what. Physical agression means you leave the situation and don't get your way, even if you were basically in the right. Half the time the older one "starts it" by trying to boss the little one, but hitting is not an okay reaction.

I get down on my knees make her look me square in teh eye and say "You may not put your hands on your sister. If you hit, no more playing." And plop her out of the way with no toys for about 2 minutes. Then she has to go say she is sorry. I usually also say something liek "If you want a toy, use your words and tell Mommy or sister. Say: Please giv ethat to me." We had a rough 2 days of frustration and these sort of time outs but it's a few weeks later and the incidents occur only maybe once a week. In your case, if she touches another child, I would pick her up wordlesslly and carry her out of the room and say "You can't play/sing/dance because you hit/bit/pinched." Of course, I am all for giving second chances, but if it happens more than once in a particular play session, I owuld make her leave.

I also engaged my older daughter to help me. I explained how her sister is not like her friends. She is still learning to play nicely and be a good friend. And we have to teach her to use her words. My older one feels like my ally and it is helping her to preempt soem battles too. I make sure she knows her sister has to be her own boss and tha tif she bosses little kids then the game stops becaus eit makes the little onses frustrated.

You just have to be consistent. Don't be embarrassed about discipling your child in a social setting either. As another mother, I would be angry if you did not discipline a child who had hurt mine. It sounds from your post like you are teaching herthe right words but tha tshe has no consequences for the bad behavior. And by the way, I don't believ ein time outs as a rule because I think they are arbitrary. But I do believe in direct consequences, and in the case of agression, a time out is a direct effect of the behavior.

She'll grow out of it. She's only 21 months. Don't worry.

I could have written this post myself lol. I have an only child who has been aggressive to same aged kids since she was about 13/14 months old. She is 25 months now, and still pretty much does not like playing with same aged kids. I don't know where she gets it either, we are not aggressive at home. We are very sweet and loving and she has NEVER seen me or my husband exhibit aggressive behavior. She is very sweet towards us, and she loves to play with older kids. She is perfectly well behaved with older children. So I have gravitated toward older kids as playmates. I hope she outgrows this soon lol. We use time outs. I personally don't believe in physical punishment so we have a strict time out rule. It works pretty well. She is very well behaved in all other aspects. She listens well, she cooperates when we tell her something, she hardly ever throws tantrums. So I think she just does not like same aged kids on her "turf" and we are hoping she outgrows it. I suggest time-outs (or whatever form of discipline you prefer) and I bet as your daughter gets older she will slowly outgrow this phase. Good luck and congrats on baby #3!

might sound mean.. but i was a pincher.. and would break the skin.. and nothing worked.. until my mom took me aside and said you know this hurts other kids ...this is how it feels.. and she pinched my arm.. lightly.. the next time she did it a little harder... after the second time.. i never pinched or hit again... and i was about 2 ... good luck.. it really worked..

Hi A.,

Feeling like a "1st time Mommy" is good to recognize... you're recognizing your kids are different and what works for one, may not work for another. That's a great thing to recognize!

Something I noticed/realized is that what works for 0-12 doesn't necessarily apply for 13-24 anymore. (I am guessing the Pros know this too bc so many books are out on Toddler behavior/discipline!) What did you do for 0-12? Did you have certain books/strategies you implemented?

Classes can be tricky because every parent wants his/her child to be the most pleasant, the sweetest, and attentive and it can be overwhelming or even embarassing if your Sweet Child does something like hitting or pinching. But you're aware now and maybe your Sweet One needs to know you are aware. Handling unwanted behaviors with immediacy can help.

We tend to applaud the positive behaviors of children in class settings, but I also applaud the parent who isn't concerned/embarrased about properly correcting their Little One. Think about the parents you have seen that have blown off the negative behavior of his/her child and how you felt when you heard it being minimized or your internal dialogue when you see the children that run around restaurants weaving through waitstaff.

You are giving your child boundaries and it's a wonderful thing. "Discipline" can really be a broad topic so if you need some detailed resources, feel free to email me. :)