Help with Shy Son!

Shyness can be something he has to work through. However, it may ne worth looking into selective mutism. You can just do an online search. The daughter of a close friend of mine discovered her daughter had this around kindergarten age. My friend worked with her daughter and a physician that specializes in this and she has truly blossomed and is now thriving socially.

I was told by a doctor that all children are born with different temperments and "shy" is one of them. You have to treat shyness like eye color...it's part of who they are. You need to be supportive and do not push them into being someone that they simply are not. This can create unnecessary anxiety and make them feel like you don't like them the way that they are. Just be respectful of your child's different personality type and let him develope naturally into whomever he chooses to be.

Hi L.!

I know every child is different, so I am going to share what has happened with all of mine. It might not be for you, but at least you have some input!

All of mine have gone through shy periods, notably at 3, 6-7, and 9-10. They seemed to come out of nowhere. Sometimes, I thought back and realized that there was stress in our home (like a new puppy that I had to spend time with, etc.), but other times I either couldn't figure it out or it was something known only between them and God. The good news is that they all grew out of that phase, and they are normal, non-emotionally scarred pre-teens or young adults. My 11-year old girl still will come to me when she is out or needs to make a phone call and tells me she feels shy. I ask her if she knows why, and if she knows, she tells me. It sounds like you have the same sort of loving, open atmosphere in your house that your kids will feel comfortable telling you also.

The thing I had to fight was being concerned that I had done something wrong. I guess the proof is in the pudding now that I see them. Of course, all moms feel this way sometimes...I still do. The fact that you care about this shows how good your kids have it, and if I were to make a prediction they are going to be great adults.

Just my 2 cents!

C.

My oldest son was always quiet, always shy. Today's he's a quiet & shy 13 almost 14 year old. I recall him hiding behind my legs at the same age - he wouldn't look anyone in the eye, etc. All I can offer you is to tell him it's okay to feel shy and do what you can to avoid situations in which you know he'll feel uncomfortable. It sounds like the change of schools has probably caused some of it (assuming he left behind well loved teachers, friends and a zone of comfort). Just reassure him a lot and avoid pushing him. I did the complete opposite (and my son was teased a tremendous amount by his father - that did NOTHING to help!!) and I believe that has a lot to do with my son still being so almost cripplingly shy.

I was wondering if you had him involved in anything other than school. Does he have any intersts that you could take advantage of and get him in a program that could draw him out of his shell? Sometimes getting a child out into playgroups and events will draw thier interst so much that they forget to be shy. Or you could get some of the children in his school to come over for a playdate. Maybe getting other kids in his comfort zone would help.
If he was doing well at the christian pre-k school I would look very hard at the differences between the two and see if there is something he was getting that he's missing now. If you could afford it maybe send him back to the christian school.
Just keep trying and I'm sure he'll blossom into an outgoing child. Good luck!

HI L.,
I can relate somewhat. My son is 5 and will be starting K in the fall. I am praying to God that he will have a few familiar faces in his class. He tends to be shy--although has really come a long way in Nursery school and Pre-K. Sometimes it's tough to watch them seem to be on the "outside looking in." It's probably a bigger deal for the moms than for the kids though. Just give him time, space and support. Encourage him to join in when you can. Have a friend over so he can play O.-on-O.. It will boost his confidence. Good luck & God Bless.

I know it can be heart breaking seeing your child not want to be part of the other kids. My son is shy, but i'm really trying to get him to be better on his own. He did go to preschool this year and for the summer, I asked a few other Moms where they were sending their kids for camps. It really does help if my son recognizes a familiar face when he has to be new at something. Maybe you can set up playdates with other kids in his class so that it will help him be more outgoing with them at school.

I was worried about my shy son for a while, but then I realized that jsut becuase he is shy now, doesn't necessarily mean he is going to be shy his whole life. You're not alone :)

Hi L.,
Having a shy child can be difficult and frustrating especially to parents who are not shy. Let start by answering some questions. Has he always been shy? Does he get involved after a time, even if that time is a few months? Does he have to watch others do things before he tries? Does he have one friend? If the answer is yes to most of these questions your son may be what some call "slow to warm". It takes time to get involved inactivities or situations. I read that he was starting to blossom in his school. It will continue to happen it just takes him a little longer. He has told you this about himself when he did not want to go to dads work. If he feels your worry it could make him feel that their is something wrong with him. Try ( and it is hard) to support him and not make a "big deal" about his shyness. "You do not want to go to dads job because you will be shy? Is there anything that I can do to help? Let me know when you are ready to go?" That way things can be on his terms. " You didn't dance when the class did? Well I bet you were the audience they needed"

If you would like to discuss this further you can contact me at www.ChildandFamilyCoaching.com

Have a great day,
B. Davis Child and Family Coach