I have two daughters, 6 and 4, lately we (my husband and I) have been having a hard time with them listening and obeying, following instructions and the like. They are really good girls, we have never had any major problems with their behavior, until now it seems. We do not believing in spanking (although, admittedly I feel like that would be the ONLY way things would sink in with them, but do not want to go down that path for personal reasons), so we use the "time outs", taking away things that they enjoy, stern talking to's, essentially everything done in a nonviolent way....but, it just doesn't seem to work. What else are we to do?!?!?! Any suggestions would be much appreciated! :)
I have since ordered Love and Logic and one or two of the suggested ones as well. I look forward to reading them since they came highly recommended. I have always followed through with ever disciplinary measure that I have warned them with and am a big believer in being consistent. I hope these books will give me further knowledge on how to handle my kiddos when times get a little hairy. I remain firm on my stance of not spanking my children, althought I realize that for others that may be different and I can respect that. I appreciate all the advice and words of encouragement that were graciously given to me.
Been down that road, when I told my daughter that the next time she wanted something, or to go somewhere I would say no she did not believe me, ha-- when she did ask, she got the answer no and I told he why. I only had to do that a few times before it sunk in what would happen. To this day she remember that and she is now 32, with children of her own.
i really like most of the suggestions you have gotton so far....especially the logical consequences, i will use this if ever removal of priviledges and time out cease to work. my oldest is 7, my youngest almsot 2, i have lucked out that they listen. My best advice is to be consistent, never make empty threats, i see it far too often. and MOST IMPORTANT. Go with your original stance on spanking, spanking often breeds violent, tempered children, who may listen because they are scared of you, but not really respect you. Ive seen it far too often.
You want your child to say " im not going to do this because i shouldnt"
not 'i better not do this or mom will hurt me"
explanations have to be given with any punishment
I like "logical consequences" it helps kids to understand that every choice/decision in life has a consequence - positive or negative - and that they affect the outcome.
So if my daughter acts up during dinnertime I tell her, do it again and you're booted from the family table. If she does, she gets excused from dinner. After she whines about how hungry she is, can she come back, etc we just ignore it. After we finish dinner, she is allowed to come back and eat, alone. (Which she hates.)
Almost every naughty behavior gets one warning about what we expect, then she KNOWS she will be removed from "the fun" and there will be a consequence.
Once they know that you'll follow through with the consequences, then they're motivated to behave in the first place.
I think timeouts are good for a cooling off period if a kid is acting up and giving them time to reflect on what a better choice would have been. But those too get "stale". I think if you start having some consequences like chores around the house that help you out, then they'll be motivated to be nicer to each other and you.
I second the recommendation of reading Parenting with Love and Logic. The only thing that Love and Logic is a little weak on, in my opinion, is positive reinforcement. I think if you can couple the ideas in L&L with a little positive reinforcement, your girls will respond extremely well. Think about it.... at work do you respond better if your boss (a) threatens to beat you or (b) encourages you and rewards you for great performance? HA! :) Seriously, though, L&L is a great book!
Good luck to you!
you may not like to but you already said it. give them a good whooping. if you have spoken to them already about something numerous times and they know what they are doing is wrong and everything else has not worked, you know what time it is. don't beat them of course, but give them a good old fashion whooping and let them know why they are getting it.it will hurt you,( i never understood why mother would tell me this is going to hurt me more then it will hurt you) you hate to see your children cry especially when you cause the pain, but they need to get back in line. i whoop my son and he knows when he is getting ready to get one because he knows he wrong, but at the end of the day they still love you. i used to think he won't love anymore but he does and i still love my mother! and now i'm greatful i got them because i had that fear and respect for her and knew my mother was just that, my mother and maybe my friend later. and i can remeber certain instances when i thought twice about doing something and didn't because i knew what was coming. i didn't get whooping for everything and neither does my son but they are i feel ok as long as you are not abusing the child. i wish you and your husband the best of luck.
Read Parenting With Love and Logic, also many schools and churches offer free classes in it.
Here are some ideas and go to the link below for more details. Also check out "Love and Logic" under the blog roll. Good luck!
Positive discipline teaches children rules and behaviors in a respectful, loving and considerate way. It requires thought, planning and patience from parents and caretakers, such as:
http://blogs.goddardsystems.com/Cedar-Park-TX/2010/02/22/...
* “No, don’t run inside!” becomes, “What happened to our walking feet? Where do we use our running feet?” or “We will go outside soon and you can show me how fast you can run.”
* “No, don’t throw the blocks!” becomes, “When did our blocks grow wings?” or “Let’s try building a castle and see what happens!”
I was about to recommend reading Parenting with Love and Logic and I see others have recommended it too. I'm currently in the middle of reading it but have already started using some of the principles and have noticed a difference. Best of luck.
My thoughts are that a couple of things may be going on:
1) Both are at an age where this is typical and may be feeding off of each other
2) They may be needing to get your attention in some way (when I get too busy or distracted--too much computer, cleaning, "just one more minute" moments--my kids tend to act out more.)
One thing that you can do is try having a family meeting where everyone comes together to create rules of the house that everyone needs to follow (parents too). You can say that you are feeling that the rules around the house aren't very clear anymore and that you ALL need reminding. This way you get to hear from them what they think are important rules (of course mom & dad have their say and ultimate veto power). Then you can all come up with consequences for breaking the rules (throw in some really crazy ones to keep it fun). Create a poster (with their help) and keep it posted somewhere prominent for a while. You & Dad should purposefully have them "catch" you breaking a rule & getting to implement a consequence as well so they see that everyone has responsibility to follow the rules.
I actually went to one of the "Love & Logic" conferences and one of the terms that a presenter used for a parents role is a "benevolent dictator." The family isn't a democracy, not every vote is equal, but for the good of the whole, those with power will use it wisely.
Good luck!
I highly recommend the book Parenting the Strong Willed Child:
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Rex-F...
It is geared to younger children, like your 4 year old, but we used it for my son when he was 5 or 6 and a lot of the tips really worked. Of course you use what you need from it and don't use what won't work.
The most important thing is to be consistent and follow through. So if you say no, don't change your mind you have to stick to no. Only give 1 or 2 warning then dole out the time outs, too many warnings and they will continue to push you to the limit.
Hang in there, it will get better! Although it may be a lot tougher at first!
I am not at the discipline stage for my LO but I figured I'd recommend a site for you that I plan on using more when my son gets older...check out the link below and hopefully it helps with some more ideas (I love lots of options so I figured I'd share some).
http://www.theskinnyscoop.com/search/discipline?utm_campa...
There is a huge difference between spanking and beating a child into submission. Sounds like you've tried pretty much everything, to no avail. In the infamous words of Dr. Phil, "How's that working for you?" A well-timed swat can get the child's attention and re-enforce that you are still the parent. As long as it's not ever done in anger, spanking a child over the age of two in a gentle yet firm way can help re-establish the line that separates child from parent. In today's society, that line has pretty much been obliterated and children don't have the structure and boundaries they need.
Have you looked into "1-2-3 Magic" or "Love and Logic"? Our family uses the first one with relatively good success. Many of our friends use the latter, also with success.
