Discipline Help for SIL

Updated on May 18, 2012
A.R. asks from Houston, TX
12 answers

My SIL is looking to change her discipline style for various reasons. Currently she spanks the children but she wants to get away from that. I have two questions on her behalf.

1. How does she go about finding a different parenting style/methodology/discipline strategy? Are there any book, website or other resource suggestions?
2. How long can she realistically expect for the transition to last? In other words she’s expecting her children may act worse before they act better. Also she understands she has to retrain all of them, including herself and her husband, so there will be a learning curve/transition phase. We know it will depend on the children, their ages and their temperament among other factors but a ballpark figure will work.

She has four children (two early teens, boy and girl; five year old boy and two and half year old girl). My SIL is not a yeller or anything nutty. I would describe her as being calm under fire. She needs and wants more options for her children with spanking either taken off the menu entirely or left for extreme cases only. Please add any other useful information we may have overlooked. Thanks in advance.

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for your comments. I have shared them my SIL and she is excited but nervous to make the necessary changes. Her path has been winding and down more than up at times so her parenting has not always been the best. However, I do know she's committed to change and I believe your various suggestions and comments will help her. Again thank you.

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No, she's not spanking the older three, especially the two teens. Her five year old has calmed tremendously in the last year or so and my understanding is he rarely gets spanked. A few times per year kind of thing. The spanking is for her little one. But she needs strategy for all of them across the various ages. I know her teen girl gives her fits - boy crazy and sneaky. She wants to avoid the spanking because she doesn't see it's usefulness long term. She's learned she can't spank her kids as they age so she's wanting better longer term strategies which may or may not include spanking little ones.

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

She can use any "method" she chooses.
But without consistency, she's wasting her time.

I've not used any published "formal" methods of disciplining.

We have house rules and known consequences.
The consequences must be effective. (Loss of toy, privilege, etc. changes over time as the child gets older.)
And we're consistent. Usually! :) (Easy to say, tough to do!)

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K.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I really liked "How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk" which is in the realm of Love and Logic (consequences come naturally, not as "punishment" from the parent), and talking/listening is is pretty vital for the early teens and even the 5 year old. With the 2.5 year old, she's still mostly in the Distract and Deflect age group, so perhaps she can just head her off at the pass and put her on a path to self-motivated good behavior.

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A.G.

answers from Dallas on

Love and Logic - There are books, and a website.

3 moms found this helpful

V.W.

answers from Jacksonville on

1-2-3 Magic might work well for the younger two. It is geared for ages 2-12 I believe. You can pick up a copy on Amazon for under $10. It's a quick read, with simple techniques. And it honestly sounds perfectly suited for your SIL, reading your description of her (she is not a yeller or nutty, calm under fire). The biggest "mistake" parents make using the strategy in 1-2-3 magic, is talking too much or getting upset themselves. Doesn't sound like something your SIL would tend to do... so it might work perfectly for her younger ones.

It might work for the older two, but she might do better following logical consequences with them. I haven't read Love and Logic, but I have seen many moms on this site recommend it and it sounds, well, logical. :)

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✩.!.

answers from Denver on

Is she spanking the 2 teens? Please clarify?

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T.S.

answers from San Francisco on

Well if she's only spanking the five year old a few times a year then that is not really a form of discipline. I shudder to think how often she's spanking the two year old :(
A lot of people on this site recommend love and logic, which I have never read but it must be pretty effective. Personally I think if she's got two kids who are teens already and she's still trying to figure it out then a parenting class is in order, for both she and her husband, and maybe a class or group aimed specifically at parenting teens. The schools often offer parent education nights where speakers come to speak about different parenting topics, including discipline and setting realistic boundaries, that could be helpful, too.

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A.N.

answers from Madison on

I echo Angela G's recommendation of Love and Logic. They have wonderful tools that teach a no-nonsense approach to allowing kids to take responsibility for themselves, their actions, and their lives. It's all done with love and empathy, giving them natural consequences (like what's seen in the "real world") at an age when the stakes are much lower than when they are on their own.

It works for all ages - they have resources available for all the kids. It is a tremendous transition, and it may be difficult at first, but in the long run, it's worth it. Good luck!

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T.I.

answers from San Antonio on

I have utilized Love and Logic parenting by Jim Fey. It is really helpful for discipline for all ages. I just receive emails but I'm pretty sure there is a video series that can be purchased in a more collective training platform. To me, it puts parents and children more in an interactive discipline format rather than parents just barking orders and expecting children to follow suit. LOL. Koodos to your SIL for recognizing what won't work long term and loving her children enough to invest time into showing them how much she loves them by disciplining them! Kevin Lehman is another good one-just finished a study of one of his books in my Mom-to-Mom class at church!! Good luck to you all!!

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D..

answers from Charlotte on

Tell her to watch Supernanny for the 2 and 5 year old. There are a lot of episodes about little kids. Supernanny also works with teens, but there aren't as many episodes about that.

Her teens need to be responsible for chores - that teaches responsibility. (And how to do things in the house! Yesterday there was a great post telling us about a nanny who didn't actually know how to wash dishes!)

I'm glad you added that she's not spanking the teens. There are parents who do that to teens and end up losing their kids. I've read here where one mom actually took a belt to her teen daughter, and now they are estranged. It is not worth "winning" a power struggle with a child just to lose the war, no matter how much someone wants to rule the roost and the people around them. And she lost the war, big time.

I do think watching Supernanny will help her formulate a plan.

Good luck to her!
Dawn

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

Love and Logic - teaches decision making skills and natural consequences when the consequences are SMALL so the kids can think for themselves and make good choices when the consequences are big.

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R.S.

answers from San Antonio on

I really like the Love and Logic approach and Leman (his last name has some great books...like "How to Make Your Kid Mind Without Losing Yours"...and "How to have a new kid by Friday")

They all follow the natural consequence method of discipline. You forget or don't want to wear your coat...you are cold, all day. You will be more willing to remember your coat next time. Or "honey don't run down the uneven sidewalk"...they trip and fall and scrape up their knees and hands...they will not again run down the uneven side walk.

My favorite thing I ever saw when I taught high school was a girl who would always skip class. Her parents arranged their scheduled to go to school with her...sit in the hallway and walk her from class to class...for a whole week. She never skipped again.

Try Love and Logic and Dr. Leman...

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A.E.

answers from Waco on

Parenting with Love and Logic! It's the best! :)

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