Girls Night Out monthly....dilema

Updated on January 10, 2011
S.D. asks from Peoria, AZ
10 answers

So we have been a party of 6 playing games and cards for 8 years. I love it so much and we all look forward to doing it every month. There is one paticular person who is getting difficult to have come. We have been friends for a long long time. I only see her on these events. She is very competive. She is a sore looser. She is one that "ups one" every time someone tells a story or wants to share. Sometimes she does not let you finish sharing before she moves it onto about her. She complains a lot.
There is some negative behavior and yet she wants advice and then continues to share why that advice kinda sucks....things like this. It is getting to everyone and we don't know how to approach it. A long time ago, it was this way...she was having some family issues and we were delicate about it due to that and wanted to be sensitive. Then she got out of that and seemed to have a better attitude, but now it is starting again for the last year. And on that note, she seems really happy and content in most areas in her life. I don't even think she knows she does or says what she does. It does not seem like she is having fun anymore either and does not want to come..... idk. I am at lost of what too do. For the record, we have stood up for our beliefs and kinda made comments when things were not said nicly....but she does not get it. HELP

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answers from Norfolk on

A one on one chat over coffee might get the message across, but then she might think the one person is picking on her (and she might want to blame the messenger). If the whole group has a kindly as possible chat with her, she might feel the group has ganged up on her.
It does sound like she's grown apart from the group but doesn't know how to move on. Keep making comments as a group when things are not said nicely. If her main reason for attending is to have an audience for her complaining and you refuse to be that audience, she'll eventually have to find someone else to hear it.

2 moms found this helpful

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answers from Sacramento on

Could you invite her to coffee, just the two of you, and say, "Jane, I've noticed that you seem so negative lately. I want to be supportive of you, but it's hard because you ask for my advice, and then tell me a thousand reasons why you can't follow the advice. What's going on?" Maybe just being forthright about what you're seeing will either prompt her to take action about whatever is wrong in her life, or will cause her to open her eyes and stop acting that way.

You never know what's going on with people. I'll be forever grateful to a friend of mine because when we were in college, she noticed that something was wrong with me, and dragged me off to the college infirmary. She set up a meeting with a counselor, who talked to me for a while, determined I was clinically depressed, and there started my journey to recovery. Thank goodness for friends who notice something is wrong, and help you climb out of it!

Either that, or she's a selfish bore and you should just stop inviting her. But if it were that easy, you'd have done that already, right? =)

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Everyone needs to stop engaging in her charades and stop giving advice, just say, "Hope things get better for you soon!". Nod your head and then change the subject. If she doesn't want to come, just give her a simple invite and leave it at that. People outgrow people all the time.

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answers from Washington DC on

well, your choices are to suck it up and let her continue to rain on the fun girls' night, or discuss it with her. it can be done delicately (one-on-one with lots of empathy) or bluntly (when she hijacks someone else's story everyone pretty much says 'hold on, cowgirl, this isn't about you' and turns back to the original speaker.) and then she will decide if she wants to be wounded and offended and make a grand exit, or stop being a putz.
and then you have to be okay with it if she dramas out the door!
sometimes being delicate and sensitive with boors just won't cut it.
good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Detroit on

If you guys hang out with her every month you should be able to communicate with her about how she is putting a damper on the outings but say it with love, look at it this way maybe if you dont share with her about it no one will. I think we all need people in our lives to tell us the truths even when it may sting or hurt. We have to believe that iron sharpens iron but we have to trust who we allow to speak into our lives and that is why i said if you hang out every month she must value your company so maybe you can find a way to do it in love.

Good Luck!

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answers from Phoenix on

My family always plays dominoes when we get together for bdays, holidays, etc. my aunt and cousin come from CA. we are competative and my aunt hates it. she started getting so mean and nasty that I told my mom we were not going to come over and play when she comes out. my mom said that to her, that she was such a downer that it's not fun anymore, it's just a game and knock it off. and she did. so out of all of you, ask the most outspoken one to call her and tell her the same thing. it's supposed to be a fun time for everyone and she's ruining it. just say it like it is and hope she changes. good luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Albuquerque on

Since she is obviously pretty egocentric, maybe you should approach it that way... Ask her something like... "Is everything ok with you? i've noticed that the last few months you have been really on edge and not as easy to get along with as you normally are." This will be a delicate way of pointing out that you're not enjoying her company as much as you used to, and she might be more mindful of her attitude. Also, if something IS wrong, it could open some doors to communication without her feeling attacked. Maybe she might ask in what way she's been hard to deal with and you can open up to her more about how you've been feeling. I know that if my friends were feeling this way, I'd want to know... Best of luck!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tucson on

It is easy to see negative and the positive in our very close friends due to the fact that we do spend more time with one another. What do you want to focus on? We tend to judge more critically those we know by zeroing in the microscope on flaws. Sometimes we need to zoom out and look at the complete picture. My advice is to look at her as a whole person and ask yourself what was it about her that I liked when I met her and also ask yourself what are her strong qualities that you admire? Why is it after all this time your prospective of her changed? Did she offend you or hurt you in someway and are you taking it PERSONAL? You said "we" have stood up for our beliefs" why is it a group against one so to speak? Doesn't sound like she is being given her dignity and she may sense that you all are talking behind her back. That is disrespectful. Women are very intuitive. If you have a problem with her take it up with her individually and talk it through, because that is what true friends do..

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answers from Phoenix on

If you put yourself in her shoes....would you rather know the truth so you have an opportunity to improve and thereby preserve this wonderful history with all these fab girlfriends....or be left in the dark and shunned and struggle with what happened??

If after 8 yrs. of getting together and she has not learned to take social clues from the group, like basic taking turns when telling a story and showing appropriate sympathy, then I doubt being subtle will have any long term effect.

I think it will be easier to hear this news from one person in the group as a spokes person and not all coming at her at once. She will feel attacked otherwise.

And finally, you all might have to accept that this is who she is by design and nature and if she doesn't get it, or doesn't want to get it, then she needs to find other friends to drain over the years.

Ultimately, she's the one who has to decide if she is going to be continually grumpy and unappreciative of heartfelt advice from her friends of 8 years. Or is she going to mature and give back and be there for you all as well.

My hunch is that her behavior will improve for a short time, but eventually revert to her old mind set. So you all will have to keep clueing her in, especially during times of stress.


answers from Rochester on

You should probably say what you've just said to her...obviously, it takes your time and energy just thinking about it, and it bothers you. Better to have it out and done with, for whatever end. And for whatever end, it may suck for awhile, but it already sucks, right? Just be honest with her.

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