Where Do "We" Draw the Line?

because we live in the real world, in reality, not some lovey dovey, My Little Pony afterschool special. some people, myself included, need a swift kick in the butt as far as advice goes sometimes. and that is just how it goes. i dont like everything people say to me, but I asked for advice/experience/opinions so when i get them, like it or not i gotta deal with it. we dont live in fairy tale land where everyone loves eachother and everyone has a heart of gold. to expect everyone to just be nice and tell the person what they want to hear is ridiculous.

Ironically her badly worded question attacked those that had gone though exactly what she is going through.

Only my opinion but the feelings of those reading questions and answering them are just as important as the feelings of those asking the question.

I think it's important that people get to speak their mind without judgment. I asked a question about something that I was too emotional about this weekend and the vast majority of people let me have it. Some of the answers were more or less thoughtful. But I could see what the majority of the viewpoints were. Since the weekend people have pm'd me with valuable information that I am able to sit on and think about. I still haven't decided 100% if I will "do" anything at all. But I appreciate the frank responses.

I do want to say that I respect and appreciate the people the most that took the time to give me the advice I needed to hear based on my own stated beliefs. What a wonderful thing to be told what I needed to hear in such a thoughtful and helpful way. I may not have wanted to hear it. At the time I would have loved it if a bunch of people had egged me on and fed into my emotions. But I'm glad they didn't.

I understand someone feeling emotional due to a situation they suddenly find themselves in...I Really do.
The thing is, you do not ask for advice, while basically making a backhanded comment to half of the people who will be responding.
There were better ways to word it.
You can have an opinion for sure, I am all for supporting peoples right to have a different opinion, but you do it in a way that does not bash the person who holds the opposing view point.

Cat:

For some reason - my computer had a brain fart and went back to the log in screen when I went to post my answer....things that make you go hmmmm...

I give answers to people based on my life experiences and beliefs. If I have walked in their shoes before - or at least close to that path - I tell them what I would've done differently or how I handled it...

There are people here who tell me that I am rude, blunt and assertive (mostly true - I try NOT to be rude but it all depends upon your mood and attitude when you read it!!)

There are some people on here who ONLY want smoke blown up their butt and people to support their position....and that ain't gonna happen!! Not all the time....

There were a couple of posts today that I gave responses to and got flack for them because I spoke my mind....when on an open forum like this - one has to expect all lines of thinking - the whole spectrum of thinking....which is what makes this site sooo great!!!

There are those who don't read the guidelines and rules prior to posting and get torqued when their question is pulled....and try to repost AGAIN and it gets pulled again....

There are some on here who believe they are targeted and all their posts and responses are pulled - there are times when they are reported but overall I think mamapedia DOES read the posts and makes a determine on what THEY interpret as flaming or inappropriate...

Yes, people make decisions based on what they KNOW AT THE TIME...when they are coming here - sometimes, it's after the fact and other times? It is while they are at a cross-roads...so they get information from many people!!!

Does this help?

I so missed this post!

See what trying to moderate my time on here does? Sheesh.

What I personally do is write from my own experience and observation. I *almost* never use the word "should", but instead have a few versions of "This is what I did, why, how, and these are the results or what I'm dealing with." I'm also fairly notorious for "kicking some knowledge" / throwing out history, psych, & med schtuff that I've learned in my own edu-ma-cation for people to do their own research on. Spoilers in real life, just aren't. If I can save anyone else the time, or if they can save ME the time of having to reinvent the wheel... anyhow, I consider it paying it forward. Sometimes I'll play the "and then what?" game I play in my own life. It's a way to break out of tunnel vision.

In my experience there are about 1000 ways to parent "correctly", and only a handful of ways that are "wrong". I can dislike 950 different ways, and not choose 980, but it doesn't make them wrong.

Okay... some better idea now...although it looks like the original poster deleted her Q, the answers give some shading.

ADDED:

Okay my 2 cents:

I think both the poster and responders were being honest. The poster is grieving, and is having to give up what works best for HER, and the responders are sharing their own life experience. I think it goes back to the 1000 ways to parent correctly and the 'and then what?' game. The OP reaaaally doesn't want to be a working mother, has some real negative connotations associated with working mothers, but has no other practical choice. She doesn't LIKE it, but she finds it "wrong", feels like it would make her a bad mother. "If I do this I'm going to be a bad mother." getting met with "Honey, I DO THIS and I'm NOT a bad mother." + "Well, if you don't work; what happens next? Destitution. And then what? And then what? And then what?" . Calling someone a bad mom is ALWAYS going to be inflammatory, and implying such almost equally so.

It's a rude wake-up call when our "nevers" happen. They hurt. SO many people say "I would NEVER _______." and think to themselves "Anyone who does _________ is a terrible person." Then the situation we would "never" lands in our lap, and we actually find out what it's like to be a person in that situation. It takes some mental and emotional readjusting. There's quite a bit of dissonance. On the one hand, you know you're not a terrible person, and on the other you are having to do exactly what you thought only terrible people do! There's usually quite a bit of flailing.

Similarly, less-than-ideal, sucks when we've already had ideal or we were seriously planning on ideal. It's painful, tearworthy, grumbliness. The trick, in my experience at least, is how to deal with less than ideal and not get bitter about it.

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I chose not to respond to the person you are writing about. In my opinion, she is very angry about the situation she is in and wanted a fight. I felt that she posed her 'question' the way she did just to get the response that she did. I hope that she can move past all of the anger and try to make the best of this situation, mostly because I don't want that anger to affect her children.

Hi Michele, I sent her a PM, I understand her current challenges are damn near killing her. I told her we are thousands of strangers, not her closest GFs. Her wording was very combative, she is hurting and struggling, a bunch of strangers may not be privy to that.

I'd like to support her, I hope she PMs me back, but I can see how offense might be taken by her wording to those who've made different choices than her.

Sigh.

:(

I think some people are just too touchy. I thought it was uncalled for for the some of the responders to make that question about them instead of that poor woman whose life is clearly turned upside down. At one point I made the decision to work and have my child in daycare and it was not even for financial reasons. I did what was right for me and my child at that time in my life. If others do not understand, oh well, I am not asking them to understand. I guess it is because I am comfortable and happy with my choice that I was not offended in the least by her question.

When I offer my advice, opinion or experience - it is BECAUSE I put myself in her shoes. Many times, I am so adamant and passionate about my response because it is a good chance it's something I've experienced or know of another close friend who has.

Just because someone's advice may not have been what the questioner was hoping to hear, doesn't mean it's an attack or disregard of the poster.

I know the recent post that you are talking about, but we all need to have this frame of mind with many other posts as well.

I like this site a lot, but when some of us reply so impulsively without much thought or consideration it makes me a bit sad that fellow moms can be like that.

We all have our opinions, but we don't need to be nasty and immature. There is no way posting a hateful message to someone will change anything for the better- don't forget moms, we are on this site to give and receive advice, HELP. It isn't helpful to bash anyone and it isn't helpful to bash someone back.

Well said, Catwalk :)

Hey Cat- I must have missed the post in question but in response to your questions I try really hard to answer in a honest manner. If it is something that I have been through I respond accordingly with what I did in that situation and what I would have done differently. If it is something that I have not expirenced I try an imagine what I would do if I were in that situation. I try to be encouraging and friendly but direct when nesseccary. I know too that if I post a question I can expect to get a wide variety of answers some I may or may not agree with or know that they won't work for me. I try not to take anything personally as I know that most on here are really trying to help. I do however feel that some people can be a little insensitive or a little too sensitive, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of women or men on a forum and advice is asked.
I do have to say though that some of the questions really make me scratch my head and say WTH! I am sure that there is more to the story but we don't always have all the information/background and that can make it difficult sometimes to answer with out sounding harsh, snarky, ect.
I would hope that if at anytime I post a really boneheaded question that someone would give me a verbal kick in the pants because as we all know sometimes things don't always come out the way we (those posting questions) want them to and we might not see it as others do.
K.

Girls the question you missed was from mamaof3, about working and being away from her kids. Apparently she worded it to say "why do people have kids just to give them to someone else to raise them?" which angered a lot of people! She changed the title to not worth my time if it's still up..

I usually only respond to questions when I feel like I actually have something useful to say. Especially if I have been in the situation, or feel like I have some type of "qualification" to offer helpful advice. That is just what I do though. I personally wouldn't give a negative comment or dare want to hurt someone's feelings, but not everyone does things that way.

With that being said - this is the internet. We take a risk with everything we say that someone will disagree and possibly say something hurtful to us. Sometimes it makes me angry, but ironically, I actually try to put myself in the negative poster's shoes. I try to use it as a learning experience rather than getting angry about it. It only upsets me if I let it upset me, and if I can get past that, then I can actually learn something from what they have to say.

This is the whole reason why I am completely addicted to these boards. I love the different opinions, I love how much I learn. If everybody was perfectly kind and caring and positive, it would be boring, honestly. I think I find the people who are bold enough to speak their minds bluntly somewhat fascinating because I could never do that myself.

I have wondered that about the mom world in general not just here. Moms are quick to cut each other down and I've never felt so alone and "attacked" as I have since I became a mom. We're all so quick to criticize each other and our parenting styles. My opinion is that we're all so insecure in how we parent that we judge as a method of deflection so as not to have our own parenting methods judged.

Women in general are not great at sticking up for womenkind. If a woman's husband cheats on her who is the first person she wants to attack? The other woman. She doesn't know that woman, that woman might not even have known the man she was sleeping with was married but that's where we go, not the man. The man is the one who hurt us and should have done better but we don't see it that way.

I have specific ideas about parenting and I might not agree with your choices but they are YOUR choices to make and I need to respect that. To each his own. As an adult that is my responsibility. I hope that in the future moms and women in general can come together and stick up for one another instead of cutting each other down. We need each other.