Getting Dad to Help Aroung the House

When was the last time you did anything because someone nagged you?

He is not paying attention to you, so why are you paying attention to his forbiding you to use the riding mower? Get on that puppy and mow the lawn this weekend, and hire someone to clean the bathroom-hand him the bill, then give him a kiss and be nice to him. I bet he starts doing it himself, or if not, you will not be mad at him any more, unless it is just about the inequity and not about what is not done in your house.

Would you rather be right, or happy?

M.

Plan a weekend getaway, or even a day trip, for just you. Leave him in charge of your daughter and everything (this won't work if she still nurses a lot, you may have to wait till she's weaned). He will find out, within a few hours, that he has the easier part by working just 40 hours a week! (You work far more hours than that )

I had a serious talk with my husband. I told him that I work just as hard as he does, I don't get breaks (sometimes you can't even go potty by yourself!) or a lunch hour. I told him that this is his house, too. It is his responsibility - you're not just asking him to "help out," your asking him to contribute to his quality of living. (Honestly, where did the idea come from that men "help out" by doing a few of the chores or taking the kids for a few hours. Do women "help out" by getting a job? No, they are contributing to the family income, not just "helping out"!)
Remind him that your first job is to take care of your daughter. Housework falls after - when she's napping, etc. You're constantly going.

You may have to let him know you're "too tired" in the evenings. Go to bed when your daughter goes down. Just say "I've had a really busy day. I'm going to bed." I'm not saying to specifically withhold sex or until he shapes up. Just kind of gently reming him that you might have more energy for him if you didn't have to do everything at home. (I'd also suggest not doing some of the housework for a couple of days so he sees what happens if no one does it, but as a neat freak it'll probably drive you nuts!)

Be patient when you remind him. Guys don't think quite the same way. We tend to see right away what needs to be done, where they need more of an outright reminder. Maybe calmly say "I know you probably didn't think about it, but I noticed the garbage needs to be taken out. Can you please do it?"
I've told my husband that I want him to do things "right now" when I ask because we both know that he'll forget otherwise. And give him plenty of thanks for doing it afterards; guys like to know they are appreciated.

First, if you have issues with your cleaners, switch them! My husband can't clean in small spaces because anything like Pine Sol or stronger than dish soap practically gives him an asthma attack. He can come home two hours after I've mopped and he'll get a headache from it. I clean almost exclusively with baking soda, borax, vinegar, and sometimes a more environmental floor cleaner. I also use some Method products but am mostly using them up (I love them--they work and smell great, but are too expensive just now). I clean my toilet with borax and it works great.

Obviously, he does not want to clean the bathroom, does not see it as a problem, and is not doing. Find something else he will see as a problem and switch jobs. If you use milder cleaners it is better for all of you anyway. I do get frustrated with my husband a lot, but other than the floor (and I mean literally the carpet where we walk) he doesn't really "see" messes except in the kitchen, and even then it is only the table and dishes. Because he doesn't "see" dust or clutter, it does not bother him. He would rather do something else. I cannot expect him to help me meet my standards when he could care less about them. It is often easier if I do something like ask him to help the boys pick up while I wash dishes and then he can vacuum (again, because that is one of the few messes he sees). He also does laundry and will take the trash out if I ask him specifically, but I am just learning to relax my standards and clean things that bother me. I don't think men like having assigned chores because it takes their ability to choose to help out of the equation. Tell him on a Saturday morning that you would love to go to the park as a family but you all really need to get these four things done and if he could pick one or two while you do the others it would be a great help. Try to relax your standards, change your cleaners (there are tons of great recipes online and those basic ingredients are so inexpensive!), and ask him on a case by case basis.

I have a different take than the poster who said that since you are the SAHM, the house is your responsibility. It does make sense that you should do more of the household responsibilities than he does, but not that you should do all of them.

When your husband is at work, you are at work, too. He is in an office (or a classroom or a truck or a hospital, or whatever) and you are at the house. If he works 8-6, then those are your working hours, too. When he gets home, then everything that needs to be done at home (play with child, make dinner, wash up, bedtime, bathtime, putting things away throughout the house, etc.) is BOTH of your responsibility.

I mean really, if you are a SAHM you should work 24/7, and he should be allowed to just work 8-6 M-F?! That is unfair. It's also ridiculous.

You need to get your relationship to a place where the two of you feel like a team. No one is in charge of the other person, but you are partners, standing shoulder to shoulder, ready to raise your child together and run your home together.

Sit down and talk to him about how you two will accomplish this. And if you want to start small, by having him just take care of three things, then start that way. He needs to understand that it isn't fair for you to do everything. If you don't want to do the bathrooms, then he really should. (You might have to teach him how, step by step.)

I work part time, and do more of the household stuff, but my relationship really is a partnership. He does tons of childcare stuff -- he gets the kids breakfast every morning, he makes school lunches, he reads bedtime stories, he plays with the kids every day. He pays the bills, I take care of the cars. I cook, he washes dishes. He organizes our nights out and hires the babysitters, I organize birthday parties. He does the major grocery shopping trip each week, I do the little runs to get things we need.

There are two benefits to him from living this way -- he is really close to our children, because he is so involved in their lives, and his wife is really happy and loving because he makes sure that I am never over-burdened.

I think you need to talk to your husband and tell him that things need to change..........that you do most of the stuff because you are at home, but this is his home and HIS family too and you expect him to help.............

As for the cleaners, if you buy Melaleuca cleaning products, you won't have the smell........can't help you with the other............I think you need to tell him to make his schedule on when he is going to do the things you ask..........and give him a date to have it done.........then you won't nag and he has made the schedule on when he is going to do it...........

I would tell him that it won't be nagging anymore, you are going to get out right angry. He is also teaching his daughter bad husband habits and that is not a good thing............

Tell him as a member of the family, the trash should be taken out, every other day or when necessary............I would also tell him that other than his income, what does he contribute to your family? You can always find someone else to bring in the money, but you want him and what little you are asking isn't anything he shouldn't be able to do........

If you still can't get him to do anything, then hire a maid once a week, she can clean the bathrooms, take out trash and anything else you might need for the day.................and like the other person said, get the a kid in the neighborhood to mow the grass.........maybe if start paying to have his chores done, he'll come around...........tell him paying for your chores are much more expensive...........

Good luck and take care.

Well, you could start by asking him if he has any ideas about how else you are suppose to handle these chores not getting done. If he doesn't want you to "nag" as he says, what would be a more effective way to help support him to get on board with these things?! If that doesn't work, look into hiring someone to take care of your yard/bathroom... take the money out of something else that he would typically enjoy (maybe the cable bill?). Of course let him know that this is what will happen if he doesn't make the commitment to do it. I'm sure it is not fun for you to nag about it either. Good luck! I hope he is more helpful with the little kiddo!

my other half says no sex till its done. my advice is diffrent. dont do his laundry or cook his dinner till he starts doing chores if he doesn't have to do his you don't have to do yours. tthe 2 things men think with the most is their 2nd head and their stomach. fix the kids peanut butter sandwiches and chips for the night the chores will be done the next day. :) ps if he knows how to cook then he will cook and you will just be exchanging chores but whoever cooks has to do the dishes :)

I am sorry but if you are a SAHM the house is YOUR domain!! I was a SAHM for 25 years, raising 4 children and the only "chore" that my husband had was the yard work. It sounds to me like you are approaching your husband like you would approach an uncooperative child...not like a partner that you need to resolve some issues with.
Talk with him ( not at him) about the yard....tell him that you want the outside of your home to be as attractive as the inside of your home. Then discuss whether he wants to be mowing the yard on a weekly basis, or if he wants to hire someone to do it for you.
As to the bathroom...I think you need to find some bathroom cleaners that don't make you sick...or stick to something like vinegar water if you want to. Get some disposable gloves...there are even masks out there that you can get if it is the smell of the cleaners that is an issue for you. Clean a little everyday...spots on the mirror after a shower...wipe them down with your towel after you are dry....start wiping down the shower as you are getting ready to rinse off ....just a quick swirl makes all the difference.
Don't treat your husband like you are the boss and he is the underling...that isn't the way to get cooperation out of anyone. Don't "assign" chores to him...give him some flexibility....would you rather take out the trash or get the baby into her nighttime diaper and pj's? ASK him to help...don't TELL him.
And I agree with what one of the other Mom's said...give him time to build a close, fun relationship with his daughter, trade off time to do your chores uninterrupted with him, for time for him to play with his little girl.

You should not have to shoulder 100% of the responsibility of upkeep of the house. He lives there, too. He can help with the basics, starting with cleaning up behind himself. If he spills it, he wipes it up, if he dirities it, he cleans it up or puts it in washer. Not hard, and even those two things done daily, would make life so much easier on you.

A baby is a lot of work. You DO have a job, it is called being a full time mother, maid, cook, wife.

Get a neighbour to show you how to run the mower. If you can drive a car, most likely you can do this. Safety issue my foot! I mean, yes, be safe, but driving a car can be a safety issue, too. It isn't the vehicle (or mower) it is the person using it. Follow simple rules: Wear goggles, long sleeves and long pants for debris that may be there, and earphones for the noise. Really, anything over 80db should have protection on your ears. Mowers can be well over 100db and rival a jet engine's roar of 160db. Keep hydrated. Take breaks if your yard is big, or if you need water. If there is no one that knows how, google it. See if you cannot get a neighbour to watch your little angel for the time it takes to mow your yard. Return the favour with a homemade dessert, or babysitting for them when they go grocery shopping, or something like that.

Vinegar and water can be amazing cleaners. Look for cleaners that are friendly to your system online, see if you can make your own versions at home. I bet you can. For a lot less, too.

Tell him if he cannot help clean, then he can make his own meals, do his own laundry, too. You don't ask for much, you are not asking him to take all the responsibility, just clean up after himself, and maybe a little more when he sees you are exhausted, or struggling.

I hope I have not been too harsh, but sometimes, the working parent thinks once they walk in the door after their shift, their job is done. Some also think since you don't punch a timeclock, yours never starts. Neither statement is true. His job at his employment may be done, but he has a family that needs him to help out, a baby that needs to bond with daddy, a wife that needs an extra pair of hands when hers are weary from all the day's chores of cleaning and taking care of baby. Like I said, you are not asking him to take 100% of the load, just enough to help you.

Good luck.

Good luck. Mine trys to help but his version of clean is not mine and FORGET about him even touching a bathroom. I am a full time working mom and still have issues with getting help to clean. I would LOVE to be home more often so I would have even 20 mins to get anything done.
If the lawn is bothering you that much, hire the kid down the street for $15 to do it. It may cause a little arguementbetween you and the hubby but that is where you need to tell him that the house is YOUR work area and if he wont let you cut the grass because of saftey issues then he needs to be respectful of your work area and mow the grass.
And the bathrooms, you need to get over that and get cleaning them. You are the keeper of the house since you are a SAHM and that just comes with the territory. It makes it better for me to put on DISPOSABLE EVERYTHING (gloves, toilet scrubber and towels) spray the toilet with Clorox 2 clean up and let it sit for a few mins and then get cleaning. I feel better knowing it sat in bleach for a few mins. Also get the toilet bleach tabs that go in the tank (the white ones, NOT the blue) that will help you not have to clean them very much. The showers, I clean them once a week While I am showering.
For the garbage, whenever its the night before the garbage guy comes, you should give the hubby an option. "Hey hubby, do you want to give the baby a bath or would you take out trash". Give him the choice. Personally I would rather take out the trash than bath the baby that I have been with all day. Its good for daddy to get 1 on 1 time with the baby and I think that is a nice easy trade.
Good luck

I tried everything with my now ex husband also. All he had to do was take out the trash and wash/dry the clothes (I would put them away). Long story short, he could never bother to do it until I either screamed at him or finally did it myself. I started to get VERY resentful towards him. I finally sat him down and said, you either do these 2 things or I'm done. And I meant it. He said OK. In the mean time, I found out he was addicted to porno, chat rooms and had about 20 womens phone numbers in his phone. So he had PLENTY of time and effort for that, didn't he? Your husband is speaking volumes about his priorities...and its NOT you or his kids. You need to sit him down and give him a deadline on when he's going to start doing what he's supposed to. I have to say, my husband didn't change. I kicked him out and immediately divorced him. I was basically a single mom anyway. I lost my house but it was worth it. I am now married to a wondeful man who does EVERYTHING for me and my kids. In fact, I have no idea what day trash day is because he takes care of it! I did not take my divorce lightly, nor did I take my new marriage lightly. However, life is way too short to spend it with someone who clearly disrespects you. You and your kids deserve better. Good luck!

I know my response won't sit well with how you FEEL, because I've been married 34 years and I'm still having trouble with it (my own advice! LOL) Men DO NOT do well with being treated like children or servants. They must hear what a wonderful job they ARE doing at whatever they do best. You say you are broke. Does he not work steadily? Or does he spend the money on frivilous things? (None of my business, really, but something's evidently going on).

Try remembering what attracted you to him in the first place, and start complimenting him on whatever things are still true. Leave out comments about 'I wish you would still ____', or 'Why don't you _____?' Say ONLY positive things (I know it's hard, but it is possible because some women actually DO it! : ) Build up a man's ego (instead of tearing it down), and you WILL see postive results!

And please be sure that your 'neat-freak-ness' is reasonable. Do the most important things and use the rest of the time to spend with your children (and husband) doing FUN STUFF!

Sticker chart?

Kidding, obviously. Is he the kind of guy who will feel embarrassed by the state of his house when friends come over? Maybe start planning regular dinner parties or cookouts so he'll feel the pressure to help out?

Also some guys don't notice how gross things are until they spend time at someone else's nicer place. Maybe you can tap into his competitive side by pointing out how nice a friend's house is?

D.,
It sounds like there is a lot going on! I would talk to him. Do this when you are both calm in a good mood. Tell him how much you appreciate him working so hard to provide for your family. Then bring up the things that you would like him to do.

If your family is struggling in the finance dept then look for ways that you can save money. It could also be that your hubby is stressed about money. Tthe things that you feel are so important to you may not be viewed by him as important. I know that staying home caring for your family and home is a full time job. Could you move the outdoor trash cans closer to the house so it would be easier to get them out of the house? As far as cleaning the bathroom, I understand certain cleaners making you sick. I have asthma and if I use something that is in an aersol can, I have to step out of the room until it settles. It is the same with spray bottles sprayed onto surfaces. Usually I just spray the rag I am using or mix up a cleaning solution in a bucket and clean that way. I have all sons so I know how messy the bathroom can get! I took a roll of paper towel and folded them to fit into a container with a tight fitting lid. Then I poured a cleaning solution over them. Viola! my homemade disposable wipes. I keep them on the counter and use them to do a quick wipe down on the sink, counter, toilet etc... then toss it into the trash can. Any liquid cleaner can be used. Depending on how concentrated it is will depend on how much it needs to be diluted. A lot of times whatever you use in the kitchen can also be used to clean the bathroom. As far as the lawn, do you have neighbors that may be willing to cut the grass for you in exchange for something that you could do for them. When my husband was working full time and going to school full time our neighbor would cut our grass when he cut his. He just did this I did not ask him. He knew that my hubby was to busy. So whenever I cooked I would take a plateful to him. At first he did not want to accept it but I told him how much I appreciated the grass getting cut so he finally accepted it. Another neighbor was a single parent, whenever she need help around the house, we would help her out. In return she would keep the kids so we could go out or just spend time alone at home with no kids! If you have a skill such as hair dresser, seamstress etc... you could offer that skill as well. I used to have an in home daycare, on of the families was a single parent who was working 12 to 14 hours a day. Her washer went out so she was going to take her clothes to a laundromat that would do them for her. It was going to cost an arm and a leg. I told her that I would do them for $2 a load as long as she provided the detergent, bleach, softener etc... She said okay. I had them all done by the time she came back and she gave me an extra $20 because they looked so nice. I have lots of ways to save money so you can contact me if you want more info. Good luck and God Bless!

welcome to my world... After having three boys (yes boys, the toilet is always a mess and I clean it 3X a week) I've decided that since he is such a good dad and works so hard, that I need to let some things go...(I used to scrub the baseboards 1ce a week, I'm more than a neat freak, I need a support group!) but I realized that what I can't get done and what he doesn't do is just something that I need to let go, MEANING, it's not going to destroy my thought process ANYMORE, I will remind him, then tell him, GENTLY, all the reasons why it's important, and if he doesn't help, then, hey; he may see me turn into a "mama-bear," but I put the weight on him, not me, I LET GO... maybe my neighbors hate me for it, but my priorities are REAL; and that's why my oldest son is gifted, my middle son is gifted and my 1-year old, WHO KNOWS?! but time will tell and I'll focus on them... yes, it drives me CRAZY-BANANAS to see the disarray sometimes, but then I look at my kids and realize that, even if the grass grows, they will still need me... kids spell love T-I-M-E give them that, leave the grass; oh, and I take out the trash every week, and most days, I push a bin down a 45 degree hill of a driveway; I have three kids; usually the baby in on my hip when I do it; you're more powerful than you give yourself credit for; own it.

" (especially since I have nothing to with pee on the rim or floor)."

What you said there really, really bothered me. My kids and my husband tried to use the same arguement with me - "I didn't make the mess, I don't have to clean it." That is BS. It is everyone's responsibility to keep the house clean - not just one person's job.

I work part-time from home. I manage to do the majority of the housework despite it not being "my" mess. You need to get over your bathroom thing - switch to milder cleaners and wear gloves and a mask. Obviously, the mess doesn't bother your husband.

That being said, you need to sit down and talk to him about what he WILL do around the house. It's his house too and he needs to take some ownership. I would also explain that since he is an adult, you will expect him to do these things without having to nag him. Seriously, if he's going to act like a child (I don't wanna do my chores!), then you have every right to treat him like a child.

Obviously, a sense of humor works here - it's funny if you put him in a "time-out" or make him go to his room for not listening. Tell him that we all have days where we don't want to do what we have to do, but we suck it up and do what is needed anyway.

Marriage is a partnership and you should be able to communicate with each other without sounding like a nag and without him sounding like some petulant child. I think some compromise is in order for you both and that you should come up with a solution together. Not a "well, what are you going to do about it?" but a "how can we solve this together?"

Oh, D.! That's an age old question...one we'd ALL like to know the answer to! I'll tell you what worked for me and my friend next door.

She wanted to plant a garden but needed a planter box out back. Her hubby is very handy, but works long hours and has to be on the phone almost nightly because he's a supervisor. The problem for her is that when he is home, he's on the computer playing games...aye! She planted seeds in cups and waited...they sprouted and she waited...they began turning yellow and yet...she waited, still no planter. I'm notorious for waiting till the last minute. When he saw that I finally had my garden situated and that my teen son was helping me, he found time to make one beautiful planter for his wife.
Sometimes they need someone from the outside to wake them up. I'd try asking a nice neighbor to cut your grass. Pay him with one of your specialty desserts. When your hubby sees that another man has had to step up to the plate for his lack of care...you'll see a change! Just remember not to put your husband down when asking for help. You can say something like, "My husband is too busy with work. I'd like to surprise him and cut the grass but don't know how to use the mower. Would you be willing to show me?"
As far as the trash goes, start your own little bagging system. Let it pile up if you have to. He'll get the idea. If you keep doing his share, why should he do it?

I have been married for 13 yrs and 1 thing I learned is it is easier to change your behavior than it is to change your spouses. When your attitude and behavior changes it can affect the attitude and behavior of your spouse. So, first the bathroom and the garbage. Have you ever considered doing these chores yourself and asking your husband to do another chore instead. I know you don't like cleaning the bathrooms, but maybe you need to change cleaners, wear a mask and gloves, etc. But have you ever asked your husband why he doesn't like doing these chores. My husband hates doing dishes by hand because he hates standing there at the sink, the way the water feels on his hand or through the gloves. So he won't do dishes unless he truly truly has to. Your husband can take over bedtime routines or something else. Rather than doing dishes, my husband took over dinner time (I detest cooking but I have no issues with dishes); we switched. As for the mower, this both of you may not like, learn to use it. If your husband doesn't like it tough. Tell him that he could do it or you could do it, either way it's going to get done. Don't nag him don't bug him don't argue about it. Learn to use it while he is at work. If he just don't like to help around the house because he believes that is your job solely, then you still need to focus on your attitude and behavior. Stop nagging which only causes more headache, heartache, and resentment. Recommended reading "The Five Languages of Love". It is Christian based, but the principles are the same and can be adapted to almost any situation.

Maybe try being sweet for a week and look for moments to sincerely compliment him for his help. But, also, I would not take out the trash or mow the lawn. As to the trash, he knows you will do it if he ignores it. Close the trash with ties and leave the bags in the house, just piling up, but don't say anything. See how many bags have to pile up before he takes them out. Let the grass grow and don't say anything. Just consider it an experiment to see how tall it will grow before he mows. Then, sincerely thank him for doing these two things. Oh, if the neighbors complain, send them to him.

As to the bathroom, he could probably care less how stinky it gets so that one is not going to work. You need to find some natural alternatives to cleaning it and just ask him to watch the children while you clean it. And thank him for that!

You'll be surprised. He might start doing those 2 chores quicker after awhile.

if dad goes to work do the house work that is your job so to speak, he cant not doa presentation b/c he doesnt want to. just like you cant take the garbage out b/c you dont want to. if hes anything like my hubby he works hard to take care of you the least you can do is the work around the house. I am a stay at home mom too and trust me their are days where i would just like him to do one thing but most days i dont want him to lift a finger b/c he goes to work to support us. I also have 2 kids and 3 dogs a hubby and a teenager thats not mine and i can tell you im the only one that does anything around here so i feel ya. my hubby tried to load the dishwasher adn do laundry but thats not his job.... hope this helps

I am sorry to hear that! He sounds lazy! The only thing I can suggest is that you sit him down one night over a nice dinner and tell him that you do so many things around the home (and name some of them) and that you only ask a few things of him. Two of which are normal husband duties! Tell him that you feel he does not respect you and that you do not ask a lot of him. Tell him that the mowing is just something he must do as the man of the house and if he would rather get a second job, you would be happy to hire it out. I would also ask him if his other male friends do not do these things??? As far as getting him to clean the toilet, I am SURE he will never do it, my husband is amazing and I don't think he would do that. What you can do though is ask him to PLEASE either get it in the toilet or take a moment to wipe the rim with toilet ppr after each use. You have got to say this in a calm and respectful way or he will not listen to you. If that doesn't work, I would take away one of the bills like cable, etc and use it for a lawn guy! You could be sneaky and have a neighbor anonomously call the city and complain. He does have to cut it unless you are out on a lot of land not visible from the road. That would really make me mad too!!! ps/ you got some good advice from some hard core wives, good for them! Get strong and make him help!!!

A lot of good advice, many different angles and ranges...
I feel your anger - my husband worked from home (not much work) for the first 2 years of our 3 year old's life, and the 3rd year he was completely unemployed.
The baby was always fed, that's about it. Nothing else was ever done in the house (and barely outside the house). And if it was done it was because I specifically asked.
It didn't matter what state of work or non-work he was in, I still had to ask and there was still a struggle...
He now is employed full time, and has a 2nd job in the evenings, and he still isn't doing anything, so it's the same for me, only I have an easier time getting the 3 year old to bed because I don't have the dynamic of his stress and pressure (and intolerance for her).
Good luck to you, and I am very sorry if you have to relax your standards, I know I have and I am not happy about that - but I am a happy person, so it's not keeping me up at night (very often, anyway).

it's tough when one is neat and one is not (it's reversed in our house), but i can tell you categorically that nagging him and treating him like a child (even if he's acting like one) will never, never work. i get that you hate doing the bathrooms, but did you assign him this task, or did he say he'd do it because he knows you hate it? it may seem like a small point, but psychologically it's huge. someone volunteering out of caring, and someone being told what they must do if they care are two very different someones.
it sounds as if he is rebelling (yes! like a toddler!) against your scolding. you two need to learn how to communicate clearly and courteously like adults. i suggest a workshop or a session or two with a good counselor, not because you're in crisis or anything but just to give you some useful tools.
khairete
S.