Do You Share the Chores in Your House?

I have a list that I keep on my fridge that has all kind of "to do's". When I am cleaning or walking through the house and I think of something that needs to be done I write it on there. Then I dont forget and also if my boys want something they can do one of those things on the list. They also have a chore list. When my husband is home he then knows what needs to be done, or if I am stressed and tired and he asks why I show him the list of everything that needs to be done. He usually kicks but and gets everything done on the list. If you have everything written down then they know what needs to be done and if he is asking you why you are stressed or tired you can say look at my list. Hope this helps you out.
Good luck

I FEEL THE FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
When i got pregnant we both decided that it would be cheaper for me to stay home. Well, my husband doesnt realize that i have to take of my son 1st me 2nd and the house 3rd. I had to teach him how to do his own laundry, so that if he really needs clothes before i do them then he has to do it himself. His mother did everything for him as a child even in college so he doesnt understand why i complain about doing everything. I told him that i work full time too, i just dont get paid for it and that his duties dont stop just because he is home for the day. when he comes home he has to be a dad. He is getting better, but he still has a long way to go!lol!

Hi R.. I so know how you feel. I work full time as a CNA. I lift twice my wieght all day long, stooping, bending.... My husband is a complete slob and I stay so angry at him for expecting me to pick up after him. If I say anything(under my breath, but still hearable), he gets mad. I would just appriciate little things like throwing your clothes in the hamper instead of right beside it!!! Scraping his plate instead of leaving the food in it and putting it in the dish water. He even blows his nose in the shower and leaves it there for me to clean up!!! I could go on for ever. I also do our yard work, take out the trash, do handy "man" chores. Sadley there is no solution unless you want to live in a dirty house. My step-mother the psychology major reminds me that you can not change a man, and divorce over such a petty thing is rediculous, so live with it. She is such a pleasant women!!! So anyway, I have such empathy for you. If you ever come across a solution, please let me know.

hi,
Well the best way to get him to help is to ask him to and explain that the kids even ask why he doesnt do anything. Tell him your wondering how your gonna teach your kids that a family should all work together when he isnt willing to help. Being that you have 4 boys it is not cute that he isnt helping you to teach them how a they should be when they grow up and be the daddy and husband. My husband didnt want to do anything either and I am happy to say he is hopefully gonna be my ex husband on wed. =) He was much worse I am sure tho since I felt like I was picking up after another kid all the time. You know when you already have 2 you sure dont need another one.
Good Luck

My husband and I share the load in our house. Marriage is about teamwork, the more you work together, the more you accomplish. Maybe you should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. He needs to realize that taking care of kids is a full time job, and having four, is almost like having FOUR full time jobs. I have found that the easiest way to show your hubby just how hard it is to be a mom is to have him do some simple things to take care of the kids or housework. I'm teaching my hubby how to cook. He also knows how to change diapers, feed bottles and cereal, and administer medications. Now I have him helping care for the baby, as well as doing some housework...he has a new respect for me now that he's done some of the things I am supposed to do every day. You'll have to tell your hubby that you can't do it alone, or insist that if he wants something done, he should do it himself. Having a full time job isn't an excuse to avoid doing things at home, and in our world, women aren't supposed to be in charge of all the housework anymore. Men and women share the load, that's how it is supposed to be. I wish you the best of luck!!

Actually in our house we do share the shores. The funny thing is that I seldom ask my husband to help, he kind of volunteers.
I hate doing house work but I have to, so I do :( The biggest help with my husband is the laundry. He helps to do laundry and he also puts it away. As far as yard work, like mowing? I did not grow up mowing the lawn so my husband does it every week in the summer. Sometimes he asks if I would like to help, and I say yes but I dont. He also helps with the cooking, especially breakfast on the weekends, and of course he does the trash and helps with dishes. :) He usually does not help with the vaccuming or cleaning, but as long as he helps with dishes and laundry I am happy. I hate doing the dishes and laundry...boring!!!!!!!! I guess I would consider my husband one of the few.
I would think if your husband is not helping your with the house shores now, he probably will not in the future. He is probably used to you doing the house cleaning so why should he? I think you spoiled him, and you would need to retrain him :( At least he could help you with the yard work.
I am sorry I am not much help :(

I had the same problem with my husband, he honestly just didn't see what my days were like, he had no clue what it was like to be at home taking care of 2 children and trying to take care of the house on top of that. I think after me telling him time after time he finally started to realize it, he used to always say my job was so easy and he would do it in a second, but now he says there is no way he would do my job. He does help out especially when he sees I'm stressed out, and I don't have to ask, if he sees me cleaning he jumps right in and just starts doing it. The only thing he won't do is the laundry. He will wash his work clothes but nothing else. We started with our dinner routine, when he comes home he asks if I need help cooking, usually I try not to have him help, he needs that time to relax for a while. After dinner me and my daughter load the dishwasher while my husband puts away any leftover food, and scrubs the table down, the only thing left for me to do is scrub the counters and stove. On the yard work my husband does the mowing, I offer to mow the back yard and him the front but he usually does it all, on triming trees and gardening we do that as a family, we take the kids out with us and they play while we work, or they will help (only with picking tomatoes and things out of the garden). Sorry this is so long, but don't give up, and make a list of everything you do during a day, don't leave anything out, even changing a diaper so your hubby can see exactly what you do everyday and maybe he will start to realize you need help, continue to ask him to help and make comprimizes. I hope this helps

You are on the right track with having your boys do chores. Kids need to learn responsiblity and they learn confidence by accomplishing tasks you give them. I've read many times that children should have chores (that are not correlated to allowance money) because it is everyone's job as a member of the family to help out.
Now, your husband, definitely needs to be doing more. But, how to go about it??? If you nag and whine then he will just ignore you. I am lucky to have married an amazing man--not that your isn't. He does a lot. One thing I know is that I simply ask him. Most men will not just get up and decide to do the dishes. Just start delegating tasks to him. "Honey will you throw the dishes in the dishwasher, please". When he does something for you say thank you and how much you appreciate his help. It's that saying, "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar." Stroke his ego when he does stuff for you, then progressively ask him to do a few more things.

If this doesn't work simply sit down with him without whining and tell him you need him to do more. Talk level headed and have an idea of what you want him to do. Such as, could take out the trash, mow the lawn alternately with me , and vacuum weekly.
You definitely need to adress this with him, otherwise you will resent him which is toxic to your marriage. You deserve more. He may work full time, but you are the CEO of your house and you need some more help.
Gook Luck

I had 2 husbands that didn't share the duties at home. Now I have a third one that does. I have to say most of the time it was because I was sick and now the habit just stuck. But we share so much that it's teaching the boys to be equal partners in life too.

I really think it depends on the man and his views of marital duties. If you want to change things then you have to make time to talk it over. If he's not willing to do somethings then you have to respect that but he has to respect your choices too. Say you're not going to make an extra effort to cook his favorite meals if he's not going to help with the kitchen.

I to do FlyLady except her timing for the home blessing hour doesn't work for me so I do a little each day instead. It really works and as the house started to sparkle so did I and my husband wanted to keep the sparkle in both so he's made an extra effort to do so.

I do swish and swipe, Hot Spots, 3 loads of laundry a day, Zone work, then blessing work (monday it's kitchen-Tuesday is more laundry-Wednesday it's bathrooms-thurdsay is more laundry-Firday is livingroom/office-Saturday is bedrooms-Sunday is outside clean up), then keep the boys on track picking up after themselves before activitie time, I cook supper Tuesday through Friday. My husband handles Bath, books and bed time then it's our time to talk and share. My husband does the dishes every morning after getting the kids out of bed, off to school, while I do the daily cleaning of the toilets and bathroom sinks. Saturday-Monday he cooks supper too and most of the time he'll do the kitchen blessing time and zone work.

There's no way my other husbands would have done any of this. My 2nd husband hardly worked due to injuries so I did it all and then some as well as hold down a full time job. My husband knows this and that's why he's much more helpful and reaps the rewards for good behavior.

Even if he is working he should still help. I feel some stay at home moms get more help than those who work a full time job. I work very full time and I am the bread winner and have been. So I have built up anaomosity to my husband. HE does help but not enough. Men should do the grass, trash, car stuff, but the only daily thing there is the trash. So, grass cutting and oil changes really doing count. I do laundry every other day, thoroughly clean once a week, do all the grocery shopping, birthday and christmas shopping and wrapping, diaper changing, empty trash cans around the house constantly and can go on and on. Chad may pick up one every few days, cleans his garage once a month (but I don't care about the garage because we don't live in it) Basically men take care of what does not matter. I think that all chores should be split. I am in your situation. How the heck do I get him to take over half of the responsiblities. I am thinking about separating our laundry, but the hard part is watching the pile grow adn hearing him complain, but he should do his own laundry, he should clean one bathroom and I should clean the other, He should do the hardwood and I should do the tile, He should rotate grocery shopping or at least keep the baby when I go to do this and he should help me put the stuff away every time. I am going on and on, but yes women do way more than fair share. Even if you are at home all day you still need help. I would write up what you think fair is and sit down with him and go over with him how many hours it takes to do what and how he can help and what would make you happy and see what he thinks is fair. He will say well I work and you don't. Tellhim how many hours it takes to clean and do the laundry and add up your daily hours compared to his 8-12 hour day and give him a job that will match up to the hours you put in. See what happens. I shoudl really take this advice too....hmmm

Maybe try and sit down with your husband and ask him to help out in a non-confrontational way. Sometimes men don't do things around the house because they are not "fully aware" of the things that need to be taken care of. He might assume you don't have a problem with it since you're taking care of it. You should both sit down and make a list together of everything that needs to be done (laundry, cooking, dishes, yard work, etc) and the frequency in which it needs to be done. A visual aid might help both of you out. Make a calendar/chart with the things that need to be done and when they need to be accomplished. Then begin to assign duties to each person in the household. For example, if you do the cooking on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, then he can do the dishes on those days. That way each person know what they need to do and when they need to do it. Hope you can work it out.

I am a stay at home mom with three kids, the youngest is 8months and then I have a 3&4 yr old. We all share the chores in my house. I admit I do most of the work. My 3&4 yr old help out a lot, they are responsible for cleaning their room, (although because of their age not not great at it). They also help me clean up the living room. They know that clothes go in the bathroom in the basket, toys go in the toybox, dog toys go in another basket, they know how to put the throw pillows on the couch neatly and to put dishes on the counter in the kitchen for me, and any trash goes in the trash can. It's only one room but it helps alot and I figure if they start young the will be more likely to be neat later in life. My husband is responsible for all yard work and he doesn't specifically have any house chores but he always pitches in when something did not get done or if I simply ask him. Simply asking for help usually goes a long way. Hope this helps.

My best friend has a policy at her house that might help. Their rule is if one parent is doing something the other must as well. For example if she is cooking dinner, he must be cleaning something, helping with kids homework, working on yard, something. the same goes for him. If he is working on something on the house she must be doing something too. Neither one is allowed to have leisure time if the other is cannot do that too.

R.,
I am a single mom of 3 kids. When my kids were little, I gave them simple chores, picking up their toys, dusting (supervised), make their own beds,etc. As they got older, they started helping by vacuuming, doing the dishes and the laundry. My daughter learned how to cook by watching me and when I went back to work, she took over the running of the house (the cleaning aspect since I worked nights) and the two boys did the yard work. On the days I didn't work, we made plans for how to get all the work done early so we could go do something. Whoever didn't help, got stuck with a sitter for the day. Either they pitched in or got left behind. Explain to the boys that dad has worked hard all week and suggest that they ask him to help on the weekends and make it a family project with a reward such as a drive or going to the park. It doesn't have to cost anything, just something fun to do. Make a game out of cleaning: see who can pick up the most/fastest; whoever gets their chore done first and correctly, let them decide what to do for the day. Maybe dad will want to get in on the fun. Good luck.
Kim M

Just so you know you are not alone. I am a full time student working to become a teacher, a full-time business owner with my grandfather, a wife, and a mother of a 3 year old. I also do ALL the house work and yard work. From dishes to toilet and pet care to yard care I do it all. The only thing my husband does is cook dinner 2 nights a week if that. So I understand.

Now as far as advice, sorry I do not really have any. If you get any good ideas though send them my way. I know I could use some.
B.
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Discuss your frustrations with your husband. My husband helps with the chores. He does the yard work, cooks supper at least 1 night a week, washes his work clothes, sometimes towels and sometimes the whites. He will change diapers on rare occasion. He washes dishes at least 2 nights a week. It's nothing compared to what I do but every little bit helps. Whatever you do if he does help and its not how you want it or how you do it DO NOT criticize. That is just a arguement waiting to happen. My husband goes through spells where he will do absolutely nothing and I get so frustrated and I just tell him I need your help. My son is two and likes to help but often gets in the way but I let him. Sometimes I make a game out of cleaning and he loves it. Try a chore chart and include you, your husband and children. Do it for a week then rotate jobs so everyone does all of the chores. Good Luck!!!!

Check out Flylady.net. She will help you keep from feeling overwhelmed as well as let go of resentment that he never helps. The key is to do it out of love, not resentment. According to numerous testimonials on her site, many husbands do come around when the wife relaxes about it and no longer nags or fusses about the work. I'm not saying that WILL happen, but people are all the time writing in that it happened when they least expected it. Anyway, Flylady really does help you get a handle on your chores...some of what she says sounds a little nuts, but it really works! She'll help bring peace to your home!

Nope! My husband does very little around the house. We were married right out of college and I immediately just took to doing the cleaning, cooking, etc. because that's what I had done in my mom's house. I think if he had lived alone for awhile he might be different, but as it is, he went straight from his parents' to our house. We both work full time, but he works much longer hours than me. We have 1 child and one on the way. He will do yard work, take care of the cars, and fix things, but that's about it. I get irritated too, but figure it's not worth fighting over. When it comes down to it, I have to admit that I don't like the job he does when he does help clean anyway, so I'd probably just rather do it myself.

R., We have a chore sheet in my house, and under each childs name, it tells them what they are to do. They don't always follow the sheet, so I end up doing most of at times. Until I've had enough and finally threaten to ground them. My kids are 13, 9, and 6. I feel that the oldest, shouldn't have to be told to do her chores, and she's the one I have to tell the most. My middle one is just following in her sisters footsteps, and my son (the youngest) would much rather watch cartoons, but will do his chores if told and observed. I have so much going on during the week, that if we didn't have a chore sheet, nothing would get done in the house. S.

We share the chores, I do the food shopping and the laundry and clean up during the day and take care of our almost 1yr old son. I'm a SAHM but I also work from home. My husband has a fulltime job but in the summertime he does the outside of the house, mowing the lawn and washing of the vehicles and doing the tuneups on them when needed. He also helps inside with the cleaning when I ask him to, only when we need to do a real thorough cleaning if were having family visit, I will take the upstairs he will take the downstairs or vice versa.
We have 5 rooms downstairs to clean and 5 rooms upstairs to clean.

My husband also does the cooking and when he cooks I clean or I will cook he cleans.

G.

I have been avoiding this thread because it's striking too close to home! You can see from the number of responses that it's a very common problem. In my household, he was divorced and had the experience of having to do it all, so there's no lack of understanding - simply a lack of will. He was the youngest child (very spoiled) and I'm guessing has a secret wish that I will just do it all for him like his mommy used to do. NO WAY.

I came here this morning to vent. Last night I'd had it and told him he could get up and fix the kids breakfast and get them out the door all by his lonesome this morning. He did, but of course, the kitchen was a hell-hole after they left. This is not passive aggression, it's not knowing how to get it all done in a short amount of time. So now I have to decide whether to leave the mess all day so he has to take care of it later, or whether to clean it up so I don't have to look at it all day long. TOUGH call!

We all have to find our peace with this issue somehow. I do like FlyLady (thanks to whomever on MamaSource originally suggested this). But that doesn't make me feel better when I have been on my feet all day, and am doing it all around the house as well as working part time, and he wanders off after dinner to the basement to work on a project or the living room to channel flip (what more worthless activity is there than channel flipping???). I simply feel under-assisted and under-appreciated. So, who has to clean the entire kitchen for the second time today, stay on top of homework, room-cleaning, pajamas, teeth-brushing, reading, bedtime, whatever? And what a GREAT example he is setting for the kids. I have sat him down so many times to talk about this, and I have also yelled at him like a banshee - it depends on my frustration level. He always says, "you're right, you do so much, I'm going to change." HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...

I love this man dearly, but I am not a doormat or the hired help, and no amount of biblical verse is going to make me feel better about him channel flipping contentedly on the couch while I wear myself thin keeping his life on track.

Did that answer your question R.? I don't think so!!! But thanks for letting me vent...

I know exactly how u are feeling. My son is kinda too young to help me clean and my fiancee doesn't help much either. He's usually playing video games and then when he does start to help he has to get ready to go to work so I'm stuck doing it by myself which ticks me off b.c then I'm trying to clean and make sure my lil guy doesn't destroy it again. I made a chart that has different chores on it and me and my fiancee split the chores and I make sure he does before he has to leave for work.

My R.... I know you get tired. I went thru the same thing. I finally got to the point that I realized that things were not going to change. So here's what I did. I let my husband know that I was tired. That he got to get out of the house and escape at work everyday while my job was NEVER done. I chose one evening that I could go out with friends, visit the librbay, go to a movie by myself, join an excersice class...ANYTHING to get a reprieve. THEN, I took a 5-7 day vacation BY MYSELF every year. Usually with my best friend. I reasoned with him that it was a fair and resonable trade. He resistantly agreed. This gave him insight for at least one night a week and one week a year how difficult my task could be. He eventually starting helping out a litlle more. Good luck sweetie!!!!

Hi, I have recently come to terms with this problem through my church. It turns out that men were not created to be domesticated... they were created to work out of the house which means he DOES need to do the yark work. Ha Ha Hubby! But, women were created to submit to the husband but not to the point of slavery. Just accept the fact that the figure head (the man) was not created by God to be domesticated. I know this is hard to swallow but it saved A LOT of fights and squabbles about household responsibilities. Now, if he is nice enough to help out that is one thing but if a man becomes totally domesticated, he is not living his life the way God intended. I know you are probably thinking that this is a bite to your side, but as soon as you accept it, the sooner you will see the change in that aspect of you and your husbands relationship. Check out: Ephesians 5:20-25 / 1Peter 3:1-7 / Proverbs 31:10-31 talks about honor and satisfaction. Talk to your husband about the both of you honoring eachother. When you clean the house he should say "thank you for cleaning the house" when you cook dinner, he should always say "thank you for cooking dinner" ect. When he does the yard work, take him a glass of his favorite drink and tell him he's doing a good job. Honor is infectious b/c being a wife should not be a thankless job. He should appreciate everything you do and let it show, then when you are swamped in laundry, dishes, ect, you will know that when you are done, you will be appreciated for it. APPRECIATION, VALUE AND HONOR = a wife with a good self-esteem! = a long and loving relationship. Show not with gifts but with what comes from your heart. Know this as well that a man cannot be a man without his wife for she supports him. The woman's role, by God's creation, is a HELP MATE AND LOVER which are the only two biblical roles God gave women. If you have any other questions, just reply to me and I'll answer them. I can go all night. My church is absolutely awsome. My pastor says that the word of God is not always polite. It's rough and truthful. He tells the truth that no other pastor will tread. My relationship with my husband has greatly and massively improved since I've begun going to this church. United Community Cathedral on Cowan Rd. in Columbia Mo.