Frustrated and Disapointed...

Hi L., I know all too well what your experiencing. I had twins 3yrs ago and I went full-term. So the sex after about the 7 month was non-existent. Somehow I didn't take it personal, but I can assure you after the delivery it all went back to normal -if not better. Also, I hope you don't mind but I asked him to give his "Man's point of view" on your question. I hope this provides some insight? his response below:

From a man’s perspective there are probably several things taking place, but let’s not confuse physical attraction with love. Her husband obviously loves her otherwise he would have never asked her to marry him and bare his future child. Men are just big babies and don’t necessarily know how to address certain emotions. Avoidance is sometime the only path we know how to take. At 9 months there are a lot of things coming into place - quickly. This is an extremely stressful time for the husband and he might be asking many questions. These questions are derived from the unknown and sometime the unknown is extremely scary!

Will I be a good father?

Do I even know how to be a father?

Can we afford this?

Wow, my wife has changed so much in the last 2 months when compared to the first 7 months.

How will the delivery go?

I can’t change a diaper, mix formula, and swaddle a child?

This is just the tip of the iceberg! Your husband’s life, the one he used to know is gone, and he is entering into uncharted terror-tory.

You too have changed and my wife and I still joke about it today. Let’s be real, there are things happening (slip and slide effect) that we just haven’t had to experience before.

These aren’t excuses either and the two of you should discuss these items openly. As a couple you need to reassure one another that you are a team and you will make it through all of this. This bond is to strengthen your relationship and not create gorges. You two should cherish these moments because it will be gone before you know it.

Your husband should continue to show support, love, cuddling, back rubs, ice cream runs for an Arby’s Blizzard at 12:30 a.m.

I know you are at the end of your 9 months and you are tired / exhausted. Your husband needs to step it up at this time as those questions / concerns above will answer themselves.

The only advice is to be honest and open. Tell him that your feelings are hurt by his lack of emotion. Tell him that you need him more now then ever before. Tell him that you are in this together and you are about to experience the greatest thing in life. Tell him that you believe that he will be the greatest father of them all and you will be not only the greatest mother, but his wife. Tell him that you love him no matter what.

Tips for the husband…flowers, take pictures as you will want to reflect back on this time, notes / cards expressing love and support, take you shopping, make you dinner, rub your feet, and just talk it out.

As to feeling unattractive, there is nothing more beautiful then the gift of life. Your confidence and self appreciation is internal to you and if your husband has momentarily checked out be reassured that you are not alone, this too will pass, and beauty is internal.

I wish you the best of luck and congratulations!

What a terrible situation to be in! For both of you. He is either afraid of hurting you and/or the baby OR he is having issues seeing you as a sexual being. When I became pregnant my husband needed me to assure him that I was ok and the baby was ok and well protected and that nothing he did could hurt either of us. After that conversation we were good to go. :)

And you have to see this from his perspective a little bit. You used to be his girlfriend, wife and lover...NOW you are going to be a MOTHER. And I think that can be difficult for men to accept or react to. Is it okay for a MOTHER to do this or that? You have his child in your belly. Part of him may be weirded out by the fact that while you two are doing it, your son is there right in the middle of it all. We as women understand it, but men could get freaked out.

You can also tell him that having sex can help bring on labor, so by doing the deed, he may be helping you get back to your original sexy self. And you are SO RIGHT, sex after the baby is non-existent for the first few months. This is your chance to get your last bit of alone time.

I would draw a bath, light candles, dim the lights and have him join you. Lots of bubbles can hide that big belly. Put something sexy on, if you are comfortable with it, and try to seduce him. He may accept your advances, he may not. You know your husband better than anyone. It may be best to talk with him about how you are feeling and let him know you understand how he is feeling before you start trying to seduce him. You dont want to freak him out more than he already is...

If you can afford it, I would suggest taking a pre-baby-mini-vacation. Even if its just a hotel in the next town over...GET AWAY! Relax, get in the pool, put your feet in the hot tub, take a shower together, take a long afternoon nap. Spend some alone time away from the drudgery of home life. This will be your last chance for a LONG time to be just the two of you.

Try to set boundaries of what you are comfortable with and what he is comfortable with, while you are pregnant. And, use your imagination there are plenty of positions, where your belly isnt the focal point.
I wish you the best! Congratulations on your little one! :)

Talk openly with your husband! You BOTH have a lot of emotions, fears, needs and wants going on at this time and once the baby comes, the strain on the relationship is only going to get worse - so just talk to him - It sounds like he could be afraid of something, more than just not being interested in you - the fact that he is assuring you that he still loves you makes me believe that he's got something else going on. Of course I have no clue really, but I have found that communication in a calm, rational (not overly emotional) way often has the best results. Believe me, its NOT EASY! I have a 7 month old, my husband and I have been married for 4 years but we have been together in some sort of way (even if just close friends) for 15 years, so I thought we'd never have any issues - but honestly we've had the worst issues EVER since the baby was born...so start talking now!!!! GOOD LUCK!

I just read everyone else responses and I wanted to add that I totally agree - sex during pregnancy, while recommended, still felt weird mentally - knowing that the baby was RIGHT THERE, so he might have that going on and MAYBE your husband doesn't want to start even the most basic of intimate acts b/c being a guy - he's NOT going to want to stop there! Or maybe he thinks he's hurting you b/c sex at the end IS uncomfortable!!! So just some thoughts that he might be having - I know many other men have them...

I totally understand your frustrations. My dh refused to have sex with me from 4 months into pregnancy until I forced him to on my due date to help prompt labor (which is did do!) It made me feel fat and ugly and very very unhappy because the pregnancy hormones actually made me want sex more. You are right, once you have the baby you are generally too exhausted although strangely enough it did renew his interest. I really don't have any advice for you other than perhaps letting him know how much it hurts. I just wanted to respond to let you know that I feel for you and send you a big hug. Best wishes for a quick and safe delivery!

Hi L.... Don't worry, you are NOT alone! I understand your frustration, but I think every couple goes through this during the first pregnancy. Even though our OBGYN told us that sex would be fine (and recommended), my husband was still "afraid" of hurting the baby. It is completely normal and honestly it has NOTHING to do with you! I'm sure both of you have some anxiety over the birth and health of your first baby and in his "male mind", not having sex is most likely his way of ensuring that everything will be fine. Look at it this way... at least his is showing some sign of concern. He might not be doing things exactly the way that you want him to, but since when has ANY man been able to express himself openly? I know (from experience) that you need to feel loved by him and attractive to him and I promise you that once your baby is born, you will feel that way (more so than ever before). For now, I would suggest you let it be. By hugging you when he gets in from work, he's showing you that he cares, he loves you and that he's there to support you. Good luck to you and your husband. Happy "birth" day and if you ever need to chat, I'm always here. J.

I feel your pain, when I was pregnant with my first my husband stopped having sex with me once he felt the baby kick!! Finally after a month of feeling rejected we had a talk and he just felt wierd having sex knowing there is a baby in there and believe it or not he really did think he could hurt the baby. I SWEAR your husband is not rejecting you he is probably just freaked out a little regarding the baby. You should just talk about it. I know so many people who have had this issue it is very common. Granted it still sucks either way but it is almost over. And when you are able to have sex TRUST me your husband is not going to care how tired he is and you are not going to care how tired you are, you will have sex again. I hope this helps a little bit.

Hi L.,
It has always been embarrassing for me to admit, but I can relate! My husband didn't touch me from the moment I told him I was pregnant until a few weeks after our 1st was born. I gave up even trying along the way - he just felt it was too weird and that I was "fragile." The only advice I can give you is to lay it all out for your husband and let him know how you really feel. On the bright side...after the baby was born my husband had been without for so long that he couldn't wait to get started again. Yes, you are tired but if you want to do it you tend to find a way! I am pregnant with #2 and it's totally different this time. I won't let him get away with it again! :) Good luck!

Alot of men have an unrealistic fear of somehow hurting the baby, or some kind of sub concious fears that involve the impending birth and sex...
As women we know that what notions are running through their heads are BS, but some men can not help it. It may be totally unrelated to your development, and more your baby's development.
Don't stress it, afterward you will find the time to rekindle a sexual relationship once you are back in your own body.
The bond a baby makes between two lovers will increase the love, and the intimacy between you as well.
Just be patient, and spend time snuggling in bed with your man, and that big baby belly in between you 2 for now.

I totally understand-up untill I was put on bed rest (7 1/2 months and big as a mansion) my husband would rarely want sex and it wasnt untill after our son was born at 38 weeks did he tell me that he was worried that he would hurt Max.

sit him down and tell him you have needs too. try to get him to talk about what is bothering him-it might be fear of seeing you give birth (my "rock" passed out twice-thank god his mom was there) or just that he doesnt think you would be thinking about sex with all that lays ahead.

light some candles make a LITE DINNER! and talk it out. you can get thru this.

hope this helps,
K.

Dear L.,
I am so sorry! I feel for you! I found all this talk about how sexy you are (and feel!) during pregnancy crap. I felt big (read fat) and unattractive. We also had hardly any sex, however, my husband held me at night and that helped (a bit...). Sadly, I believe you are right feeling that after the baby is born it will get worse. You will be exhausted, and if you brestfeed - overtouched, intimacy will be the last thing you will want. Being held - fine, having sex - no thank you. For at least 6 weeks (or until you heal) you will also not be allowed to have sex. Also remember - you will not fit in your prepregnancy cloths in the hospital. You will still look pretty much pregnant (only 5 months rather than 9) for a while, and even if you are lucky and will lose wieght quickly, it will take a while to get your shape back. It took you 9 months to get there, it takes about this time (longer with the next child) to reverse it. I don't want to scare you, just brace yourself for this - that too shall pass. I wish I was better prepared for this, rather than being fed with unrealistic images of celebrities getting the best shape of their lives 3 months after delivery. So don't count on it. Well, unless you can afford private full time nanny, private trainer, private dietician and private cook. Most important - LET yourself be the way you will be. This is the baby time in your life, and it can be difficult, for me it was extremely difficult, but even I am coming out of it now, with my younger son being 20 months old. Also try to find time FOR your husband. As surreal as it might sound - he will miss you very much after the baby comes. The transition from a "couple' to "family" will take him some time. You had 9 months getting used to the baby being part of you, for him it's still very abstract. Talk a lot about it, about your feelings and needs. Remember to get external help if you feel overwhelimngly sad. Many women (including myself) think that your are supposed to be sad and overwhelmed after the baby is born, after all with the first child you have no comparison. You might be depressed though, and be helped very easily. You just need to tell someone, your pediatrician or ideally your ob-gyn. You will have a visit at 6 weeks (or earlier if need be). Remember to tell also of your emotional state, not just physical.
Sorry this message got so long. Talk to your husband, try to make him understand that you need warmth and touch, not necesserily sex (btw, what might work, is you being on the giving, not receiving end. It's not the same but still gives the feeling of being together) and it's not going to get any easier after the baby comes (btw I also kept asking myself the same question - how do couples survive having children! well, apparently they do).
Take care and get in touch if you feel like it. Joanna

have you tried talking to your husband openly about how you feel? in my experience, even the greatest guys are clueless 95% of the time! tell him that you want to enjoy your last few moments together as a couple before the baby arrives. its a little late to go away since you're 9 months along, but see if you can book a weekend or even a night at a nice hotel, get a couples massage (make sure you book a prenatal one) or if all that isn't possible just have a few romantic nights.
you'll hve to make the effort and really tell him what you want. go buy something nice for yourself that you feel good in, if you feel sexy he'll notice, and if he says he's too full after dinner then how about before? or in the morning before work?
stay positive and if none of this works then just enjoy your time alone and get as much sleep as you can, it'll all change soon enough!

Dear L.,
I won't guild the lilly by telling you it will be better anytime soon. Although many men find pregnant women incredibly attractive, it sounds like you are so large at the tail-end of your pregnancy that it just might be difficult to maneuver any great sex. When that baby comes along there are many adjustments to make. Everything is new to you as a first timer: nursing, changing diapers, round the clock feedings, getting used to your own body changes as the hormones readjust, etc. etc. Don't worry, your emotional recharge will be there the moment you look into your baby's eyes. Motherhood has been the most incredible experience for me (and I imagine for many many others)and very likely you and your husband will share that joy together. In time, it's safe to say things will likely get back to how they were. But, give it time!
PS When you're ready to buy the best newborn toys, please check out my site www.toysofdiscovery.com

Well it is interesting that your hubby is the one saying no... i am almost into my 9th month and I can say with banners and flags I have been the no culpret. Do you think it may be he thinks he will hurt you or the baby?

Been there done that--turns our exact same reason.

But wait until you are really ready to have that baby-I mean you are done!!! then do the duty....that is suppose to help you start contractions-at least for some people.

And you are right you will be TIRED super especially if you are breast feeding every 4 hours around the clock!!! That will be the last thing on YOUR mind!

I went through this same thing, but my hubby straight out told me he just didn't want to have sex b/c he was afraid of the belly/baby that something may happen, even though I assured him and the dr too that nothing would. I guess this is normal. Once the baby is born you are right, you both will be tired and possibly not interested in sex, at least we weren't. However I can tell you my hubby couldn't wait to the 8 wk check up to find out whether or not I was given the green light to have sex. So to answer your questions it will pass the important thing is to talk it out.

Keep in mind too that once the baby is born you will be exhausted and tired so you will have to make that extra effort to focus on your relationship. Also don't forget to ask for help from your husband, the more help you have with the baby the better off you will be. It seems you guys have a great relationship so don't loose that, your live is about to be turned upside down and it is easy to loose sight of what is important. Johnson and Johnson said it best, "having a baby changes everything", trust me it couldn't be more true.

Talk to your hubby and let him know how you feel ask for back/feet rub go out for romantic dinner before your two turn into three and take advantage of the cuddling moments.

Now from a new mother to another you are about to embark in an amazing journey with many happy moment and as many frustratring and dissapointing ones but it is worth every second. Congratulations on your new baby.

Have you told your husband what you're telling us? Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him EXACTLY how you feel. He may have a reason for not wanting to be intimate. Many men are scared that they'll throw their wives into labor by having sex during the last trimester (even though they hear that that's not possible). Maybe he's unsure of how things will work during intimacy with the big belly and trying to move around. If he really feels uncomfortable, maybe the two of you could do some massage or another activity that is close, but not intimate.

Dear L., Have you told your husband how you feel? This is important because all sorts of thoughts are going through your head.
Your fears may not even match up with what he feels...
Communication is such an important aspect of any relationship. You might even want to , as a couple, go (short
term), to a counselor for more insight and guidance. There is no need for you to suffer in silence. This is a very difficult time for couples. It should also be a wonderous time for both of you. Be good to yourself. I have sought counseling for other areas and it has been invaluable. I wish the two of you luck. let us know when the baby is born! , caroljean

Could he be afraid he'll "hurt"the baby?

Get on your knees butt in the air (doggie style) and invite him in...If that doesn't work---then it's time to talk about his feelings and/or fears...You can also be the aggressive one and arouse the hell out of him, and chances are he won't "deny" you.

It will not be as bad as you might think after the baby is born! You have to make time( a quickie in the bathroom, join him in the shower, etc) Take advantage of "family" babysitters to plan a Date-Night once a week, keep that romance going by any means necessary. Get "Creative" and stay focused on "how to get your Man, and what he needs to do to get You"---Good Luck!

Remind him that you can't have sex for 6 weeks after you have the baby, so any day now could be his last chance! I know my husband didn't want to admit it until after but it made him feel dirty to have sex thinking that his child was right inside there once I got bigger. If he still doesn't want to then he'll be kicking himself after you havr that baby and you start looking yourself again and he has to wait. I recommend nursing (for A LOT of reasons) but mainly because it will help you lose any weight you gained real fast and then he'll be begging you for it again.

I just had my daughter 7 weeks ago and I felt the same way at the end of the pregnancy . I think it was a mix of by boyfreinds fear that he would hurt the baby and she was a big baby so my belly was really big and hard to find a comfy position. After we had the baby we watched the movie Knocked up and it was the funniest thing because we felt like we just relived the pregnancy in the movie so I am guessing it is normal. Also your hormones are probably all over the place because I know mine where and not getting the attention you want is hard but I felt the same way. Once you have the baby things will change and it may be harder but you will find ways and make time. It will get better even if at the moment you don't feel like it. Best of luck.
J.

Tell him that "sex" can help trigger the start of labor. Not kidding... it really works!!!

Just so you know your not alone. During my two pregnancy's my husband and i didn't have sex at all. Im not gonna lie, but once kids are born, the sex becomes sex. I think its even once you get married! My husband thought it wasn't good for the baby to have sex while i was pregnant. Don't make yourself feel miserable over it, you have plenty more times. After the baby is born the doc is gonna tell you no intercourse for 6 weeks. So, after that 6 weeks girl, have fun! hahah

This happened to me also i am sorry that there is not much advice to give but to reasure your husband that he will not hurt the baby, i even got a note from my doctor saying to have sex and my hubby wouldnt, he was too afraid...his drive will come back but you may not get much until after you have the baby...