Friendships Struggling After Having My Daughter

Your letter hit me right where it hurts! I am in the same situation exactly! I moved here(from out of state)and all my 'friends' act as if out of sight out of mind. My son is 9mo and I've flown back twice. The inconveniences were too much for them to get together- I spent most of my time in a hotel or walking my son in a stroller. I've come to realize after making so much (too much)effort, that I have to let them go and make new friends. I am so lonely and want my son to have friends too! At least we have each other and my wonderful hubby! I still can't believe they want you to leave your daughter over night....NEVER!
Anyway, go meet your neighbors, join your local library, heck email me! There are new friends to be made and don't waste your time on the old ones if they can't understand your new situation.

As a relatively new mother myself (my daughter is also 10.5 months old), I can understand that until a woman becomes a mother, it is quite difficult to understand the new constraints that come with having a baby. From what your friends have suggested you do so that you can spend more time with them, it's obvious they have no idea of what it means to be a mother to an infant! Yet, they say they can't spend the night because of their pets while expecting you to be able to spend the night without your daughter.

I don't think they're malicious, I think they're just clueless. I think they still care about you and enjoy being with you, but they just don't understand. I would say that you maintain your friendship with them for girls' time out and it will be easier once your daughter is older, but for now, babyhood is a big black box to your friends.

In the meantime, find other moms to be friends with. I moved from NYC to San Diego 7 months ago so I knew my friends back East would not be a primary social option. I joined a few mothers' groups, attended some events, and made a few good friends who also have babies. It's great - we sometimes go out for a Mom's Night Out or all go out with our families.

Marriage, having a baby - those are all life-changing events. Not everyone can change along with you!

I've gone through the same and have finally accepted that the friendships will never be the same. At first I resented their lack of understanding, but in all fairness when I look back on my life before having my son, I was just as clueless about all that motherhood entails. Even when I was pregnant I'd planned all these weekend getaways once the baby was born while my husband stayed home with him. Of course that never happened - nor did I want it to once he was born. It sucks but you simply don't have as much in common anymore so it's natural that the friendships diminish. I got tired of feeling like I had to do all of the work to keep the friendship together when I was the busiest having a baby and all, so I finally gave up trying. I got one of my friends back though when she had a baby herself recently, so there's still hope. In the meantime hopefully you'll meet and develop new friendships with other mommies. Good luck.

Hi S., You have different commitments and responsibilities that your 3 friends don't have, and being a wife and mother who breast feeds you don't have the flexability that you once had, so my advice to you. is to join a play group in your area so you can meet other women to build friendships with, who share the same responsabilitis as yo do, also try and build some friendships in you new neighborhood. J. L.

Welcome to the new parent club!!! It is really fun.

Sorry to hear about your friendships but I hope you realize that one day when they have kids they will understand what they were asking is absured. Besides do you really still have the same desire to go out and party?

The best part of being a new parent is that you will make new friends that do understand and that will make your life easier with kids and more fun.

I was in the same position as you 5 years ago, my friends were all single, no kids so no one understood me and my new situation. The best advice I got was to join a playgroup. You can find one through The Parent Connection (formerly Las Madres) The friends that I have met through my playgroup are amazing, they understand all my feelings and are going through the same thing, we have basically the same interests too. I think playgroups are good for kids but best for the moms! I still see my "single" friends and have a good time with them but not as often and I appreciate it more now than I did.

Good Luck!!!

Sounds like the friendship is based on party down and not based on love. You have outgrown them and they are not ready to adapt to keep you. Get involved in a mommy group, find COUPLES to spend time with because you are going to be with your husband a lot longer than any of those women. You need to look to your lifestyle as a married woman and mother. Even as an empty nester I would no more go out partying with friends and leave my hubby at home than stand in the middle of the freeway!! Intentions may be quite honorable but you are a wife and mother now, not a single girl out clubbing. Temptations are everywhere and even the most reliable person can get in trouble. Move on, find some moms that share your interests and will be your friends that can include the WHOLE family.

There is a season for everything, including friendships. They may have been really close and good friends during one season of your life, but you have moved on to a new season. This doesn't mean that you are no longer friends, you may just not have the friendship you once had. Also, things may change when they too are married and have children.