Friend Getting Married to a Man with "Anger Control Issues"

If everything is as you describe, and it gets worse (which it likely would) she could lose custody of her children...do you think she would choose this man over her children?
The idea of losing her kids might be the only thing that would change her mind.
Her ex, if he has any parental custody should be aware of the situation.
Losing a friendship is hard, but not nearly as hard as living with the guilt of realizing too late that you could have prevented misery and/or tragedy...

I was curious to your post when I saw anger issues in your title. I have a husband who has had anger issues, but not nearly to this extent. He has found help through counciling, but it was all his own doing because he knew something was off and out of his control.

However, since our stories are not that much the same, I would also be fearful of my friends well being and have to agree with Kimberly F. and her post. Seek professional help from the state. Ask the ex if he is aware of the situation of the kids being taken out of state to live with an ustable man.

Best of luck. If they were not getting married tomorrow, I'd have suggested to take your friend to a counciling session. She must have some severe insecurities to being alone and very low self esteem.

How old are her children? Can you tell us?

**If she takes them out of State and moves to Texas... what if her Ex charges her with Kidnapping? What is the custody they have with their children?
But the point is.. she has to put her kids FIRST and not marry this man.

She is endangering them.....
if the children are not cared for properly.... someone can call CPS....
or call the cops on him.... anonymously.

Next, SOMEONE should do a background check on him.... if you know his full name etc.

I would, despite, try to stop the wedding. Just s how up at the Church they are getting married in and step up... and say you do not agree with it... and just explain and tell the Pastor etc.

Once married, she will lose her "rights" to him.... since he is an ABUSER and who knows what else. I hope he is not also a Pedophile.
He is obviously using her... and has a string of past divorces...... the kids call him "creepy".... and I would believe them. Often times... a child is the MOST accurate description of someone.

Something needs to be done.... which is more important? The kids and her... or her not talking to you? I'd take the kids safety and hers over anything.
AND HE himself will control who she talks to... he probably stopped her from talking to her sister.... it was not her. It was him CONTROLLING her.

I would, get the kids, or babysit them.... and also maybe give a head's-up to police etc. Or do anything you can.... this guy is dangerous and who knows what else. What if he ends up killing her?
What if he is a pedophile?

Someone HAS to do something.... and stop the wedding. If she marries him, her life... will get worse. AND her kids, will have NO one to protect them, and their lives will be ruined. He also has guns. That is another BIG red-flag.

All the best,
Susan

sorry to hear this im going threw a divorce now from a man that sounds alot like him:( i would sit her down 2day and have a long talk with her and tell her look he will never change because he want i tryed for 15 years to change my ex it didnt happen:( please get ahold of the childerns father dont worry if she gets mad she will over come it the childern need to be safe if nothing else do it for the kids.she might think twice if she has to live her childern behind.i will pray for her and yalls friendship

Vanessa - TIME TO ACT FAST! (I also agree with Kim, having the kids removed just might be the thing that would OPEN her eyes)

Bad divorce

Out of debt/great job/nice home

Worships children/good mom

Engaged 4-5 times since “bad divorce”

Let angry, violent, jealous, controlling on line stranger who breaks things move in

Police involvement

Children don’t like on line stranger

Family does not like on line stranger

Friends don’t like on line stranger

Getting married this weekend

Someone needed to do a background check on this guy a long time ago. I’m not sure what you can do now, but if family is in fear for her safety, they should notify the local authorities and maybe they can see if this guy has a history in Texas (I’m betting he does) and if he has any outstanding warrants (anywhere).

The other thing that comes to mind is family and friends do a big intervention TODAY with as many people present as possible including her children. (You could even do it at the wedding rehearsal, make sure there are a couple of strong men there incase he gets violent). If the pastor sees this guy blow up chances are he/she would not go through with the wedding.) No one should be afraid or worried about losing a daughter, sister, mother or friend, because this woman is clearly, already lost and on a collision course for disaster.

I also need to say that she is NOT a good mother nor does she worship her children, because if she did she would never have let this man into her life and theirs. If she once was and has done a 90 degree since this guy showed up, maybe the family could make a move to have her hospitalized for a physiatrist evaluation…..especially is he has a record and any outstanding warrants.

If she is planning on getting married in a church, you could also have a frank conversation with the clergy that is scheduled to conduct the ceremony.

If the family and friends can’t get it together to do an intervention, under no circumstance should any of you attend this wedding. Many senseless tragedies have occurred because friends and family remained silent in the face of serious trouble.

This is just scary and I will pray for your friend and all of the people who care for her…Please keep us posted.

PS...if the guy has outstanding warrants, the police could arrest him at the church!

Blessings….

Vanessa,

Should your friend go on and do this, you might be sure she knows that this site is available in Texas. It might be a way to seek help if he is the way he seems to you. She's going to need a support group here, and she could stay in touch with you or call for help through the site without alerting him... he can likely check her email... but might not think about or know about this resource. As some of the other posts said, I would DEFINATELY contact the kids' dad. Even if he's not such a great influence (hence why she climbed out of a mountain of debt)... perhaps he's at least a safe place for the kids. She might not move if she can't take them with her. IF she has sole custody then it might be hard to make the kids let her leave without them if they think they need to stay to "take care of her".

It sounds like although your friend has pulled a lot of her life together and good for her!, she still has major issues when it comes to MEN. I think all of the ideas below are good ones. What I would add:

1) You say some of her siblings are boycotting the wedding. If you know her family and other friends- or even if you DON'T know them very well- I would contact them. Share your concerns and pool your resources and what you know about this guy. Tell her friends and family that this is a time when she may need their support more than ever- boycotting is not going to help her, or her kids. If they are angry and disappointed in her, that is one thing, but the only way they can keep track of what is happening with her kids is by staying in touch!

2)See if you can all get together one last time to talk with her about your concerns. Don't accuse her, but meet with her and give specific reasons and events that make you concerned.

3)At the very least, try to convince her not to move. When someone in a relationship is controlling and abusive, whether physically or mentally, a classic thing to do is to separate their partner from the 'support system'. Then the partner- and her kids- will be reliant on HIM for everything. The longer they are in that situation, the more 'normal' it starts to seem to them, even though an outsider looks at it and sees immediately that it is a bad situation.

The controller will do what is called 'crazy-making' behavior- constantly putting the partner and kids into situations where he behaves badly or makes irrational demands on them- and then accuses THEM of not following the rules, screwing something up, etc.

I had a boyfriend like this years ago - suddenly anytime i wanted to see my friends, it meant I was neglecting him, he moved us to an apartment far away from my old neighborhood and friends, somehow *I* was always to blame for things going wrong... fortunately a friend of mine gave me a book about abusive relationships and just said " Look at this list of characteristics and tell me how many of them you fit right now."

I was amazed, because I was a strong, independent, educated woman and it never OCCURRED to me to think of myself as in an 'abusive' relationship, because he had never hit me or anything like that. The book said that women like that sometimes stay in bad relationships longer- because they refuse to see themselves as 'abused', particularly if there is no physical violence.

But it was abusive, emotionally and psychologically. Luckily I realized it, and a bunch of my friends got a truck and moved me out a week later and it was the best decision I ever made.

Stand by your friend- if she doesn't see things clearly now, she and her kids will need you and her other friends and family even more in the end. Best of luck to you in helping her and you are a true friend for trying to and for thinking of her kids.