Four-year-old Discipline Problems

Have you tried 1-2 -3 magic? It works with all kids, if used correctly. You can get a copy at the library. They also have it on video tape, which I found to be more helpful in terms of seeing it used effectively. The video is actually very watchable.

I have a 7 yr old girl, and a 4 yr old boy. When I use it consistently I never go past 2. And I will say we have tried other things with him because he is so difficult and it is the only thing that has worked, without threats and yelling.

1-2-3 magic, Thomas W Phelan
He has a website:
http://www.parentmagic.com/

Hope this helps,

C.

I had a similar problem with my son and used the book 1-2-3 Magic. It worked like magic! At four years old he is able to understand the techniques, so you can reason with him. Read the book, explain your approach and that you are not tolerating this behavior anymore and you can change this! It is so important to nip this in the bud right away before he gets any older. My son is now 6 and sweet as can be! Good luck and channel all of your patience, you can do it!

Oh goodness.....good luck! My daughter is 5 and we struggled with her for a long time. I have found that being consistant is the key. You really have to make sure you and your husband are on the same page when you decide which way you are going to correct his behavior. At this age they learn that Mom and Dad have different answers. It may take trying a few different dicipline plans before you find something that works. All children go through this. They are testing the waters. All kids want to make thier own decisions and they test the boundaries. I always make sure my girls know they have a choice. My daughter always says "Gotta make the right choice! Right Mom?" They are learning action and reaction. It is so important they know every decision or choice has an outcome. Such a good lession to learn. Unfortunatly sometimes they have to make bad decisions to understand this.

At this age they do not know how to vent their anger or frustration, it is your job to try to teach him the proper way. Take him for a walk when he gets worked up, this is the perfect opportunity to try to get him to talk about what has happened and how he is feeling. But make sure that he knows it is o.k. to get mad or be angry. He just needs to learn a positive way to deal with it.

Oh! When I was a kid we played pig or horse(basketball). At each station, before we would take a shot, we would get to say someting(I get so mad when....). By the end of the game we were all happy again. Get creative what you do. Good luck!

T., When did the behavior start to change was it around the time your daughter was born or started to walk or some other milestone in her life? Did you make any recent changes that could be affecting him or his comfort levels. Maybe someone at pre-K is disturbing him in some way. There has to be some underlying reason for a change in a 4 year old and the sooner it gets fixed the better and happier you all will be. I would talk to his doctor and see if he can help you pin point this problem if it is a problem. Have his eyes checked, go to the dentist see if there is an issue there. At his age something that simple like his eye sight might make him react because he does not know how else to handle the situation I wish you luck and hope it gets fixed soon. The sad thing is an adult can express pain or discomfort but a 4 year old might not understand what is happening to him so he reacts negatively. Good Luck to you and your family

Hi T.,

I'm going through the exact thing with my boy. He will turn four in August and I have an almost two year old girl.
My son does not listen to anything I tell him and even laughs and mocks me. He is very tall for his age so it makes it difficult to restrain him when he hits us. My best suggestion is to have him sit/stand in a corner after ONE warning to curb his behavior for five minutes. If he thinks it's a joke, then him you just added another minute. It does work but you have to be consistant. I think that has been our biggest problem to follow through on. You know it works when he cries. My boy definitely gets upset when he is in the corner and he hears his sister playing and having a good time.

Trust me when I say shouting, giving in or giving to many warnings doesn't work. It's a power struggle with loop holes that us parents can't win.

Hope this helps and good luck to you!

A. W.

My oldest was haivng similar issues and we took him to a homeopath and one dose of something, caullophylum maybe? and he was a different child within minutes. It's called a constitutional remedy.

It has to be carefully chosen, so just don't run out and buy caullophylum. I'm not sure that was the one anyway.

Have you read Haim Ginot or Farber/Nazlich? I swear by their work. Between Parent and Child by Ginot and Liberated Parents, Liberated Children and How To Talk So Your Children Will Listen and How To Listen So Your Children Will Talk by the latter two.

Changed my life.

Hope you find your answers!!

P.

i found with my oldest daughter to figure out what thing she couldnt do with out and took it away..she loved to play with friends and as hard as it was i wouldnt let her until behavior got better..find his thing ie: tv , games , candy what ever it is and stick by it..luckily she is still a pain in the butt but much better i was the main problem b/c i didnt stick by what i said..

I don't know if you're a christian or not but we have a 21 month old girl & a 3 month old girl. Our 21 month old is VERY well behaved & it's because we discipline her (and, yes, I mean spanking). Children have to associate pain with things they do wrong, just like adults. When we open our mouths when we shouldn't have we experience pain whether it is in the form of verbal or emotional. Children also want discipline. Whenever I was 8 months pregnant with my second and just didn't have the energy to discipline my first, she acted out. You just have to explain why you are disciplining and tell them you love them and make sure they apologize. Hope this helps.

He is looking for boundaries and structure. Here are a few ideas that have helped me.

1) set up house rules, draw pictures for him since he can't read yet
2) when he talks over you, put him on a time out in the same spot every time. A minute for each year of his age.
3) when he gets angry and frustrated sit him on your lap and calm him down, explaining that you want to help him, but can't when he is angry and frustrated.
4) give him tons of verbal praise and concrete rewards. Maybe a sticker chart, for each time he does what you tell him to do.
5) and most important of all, don't ask him to do things, tell him what you want him to do or not to do. You are the parent and he needs to know that what you say is rule. It may take a while, but he will come around.

Make sure you give him lots of verbal praises when he listens to you, this will motivate him, he wants to please his parents. He is going to test the boundaries, so you may want to tell yourself you may have a battle on your hands for a little blip of time, until he sees you aren't moving.
Good luck!

Can you take a step back and make sure that it is purely a discipline problem and not ... a lack of sleep, or a change in the family like new sibling or someone working more hours, does he just need more time doing physical activities, is there a pattern like he listens less on days he has school because he's already spent his energy being "good" at school??? I guess i'm saying, can you pin point what he is trying to accomplish by being bad, more attention or more independence that sort of thing.
That's my only suggestion besides being concise and consistent.

Good luck,

Hi T.,
My son just turned 5, and I would say that year #4 was a real challenge with the discipline! I think at that age, boys are testing the limits and trying to find out just what, exactly, they can get away with. They really want (and need) to know their boundaries.
After an "incident" with my son, once he completed his punishment--I would see a really big change in his demeanor for the better. It almost seemed like he WANTED the punishment or something so he KNEW what he could and couldn't get away with.
The time-outs never really worked for us as well as the removing a toy or game he really liked at the moment. I would put his favorite car (or whatever) on the fridge for an hour or whatever time you decide upon. Only if he apologized sincerely could he get it back sooner. It may be worth a try if you haven't tried it already. Good luck!