My 3 Year Old Is Out of Control!!!

K.
i understand what you are going through! my daughter has a little boy just like yours, he is very strong-headed, i have read everything that people wrote to you. the only thing i can tell you is, do what feels right to you.
every morning if i get up with him, i tell him the rules.
if he steps out of line i tell him 1 time only. if it happens again, i get up & remove him from the situation, period.
he goes in time out,if he won't stay, he is taken to his room.
when time out or room time is over, he has to say sorry, or he goes back. when he says sorry i explain to him why he was punished, he tries to ignore, sing, hum, or anything so he won't have to listen, but he can't come out of time out or room time until he looks me in the face and listens, which is followed by a hug and i love you from both of us & a big kiss.
it was hard at first, but i stayed on course and it has made a huge difference.
i do not put up with tantrums, hitting, yelling or throwing things. sometimes it is funny because when i get up, he will put himself in timeout.(not laughing almost drives me crazy sometimes)
if he is bad at a store, he goes home...nothing less. then i go back & continue shopping, some advice...shop for refrig. things last! the store will hold your items for you, mostly because they are glad to get children that misbehave out.
i do not reward children with gifts, do not bribe them!
a hug and a kiss, and you telling them you are proud, are all they want and need!
set down your boundaries & stick to them. if you don't they will be confused, children need to know when is play time when is nap time, bath, dinner, and bedtime.
at least that works for me, when he knows what is going to happen next, he just does it. no fights, no i want to play. i want to eat.
the only thing i did to figure this out is, think about what is expected of children in school, there is a time to teach, time to play, time to eat. i turned off the TV, put down my book and spent time counting, reading, and got a alphabet game, in 1 month he was speaking clearly, knew how to count, and was 100% more pleasant to be around, i also set up time for him to play alone, so i could relax also.
don't get me wrong, he still screams and throws a fit & cries, and i told him it was OK to do, but he had to do it in his room, he can stay in there and yell as much as he wants to, but i don't have to listen to it. i just go out and turn up the TV so i don't have to hear it.which seems to stop him because he is not getting attention for it.
this is the way i handled it, i just thought about what would be allowed and not allowed in school, so he could deal with the pressure he would receive in society and to get along with other children and adults. ignoring a tantrum and fits, is not something that people will do for our babies.
letting a child know the difference between what is right or wrong behavior, is not punishment, it is learning to be a good person, not screaming at someone to get your way, not hitting when you don't get what you want, not expecting to be rewarded when you are nice, with anything but love
so my advice to you is teach your children to behave to get along with others, in the way you think you want them to act and be treated when you are not there to tell them what is right or wrong. they will learn this by the way you teach them, if you do it with anger, is how they will react when someone does something wrong? or they think someone has wronged them.
if you bribe them, will they always expect to be paid off for doing something good? want to be recognized for a good deed? what happens if payback doesn't come? will they take just because they think they deserve it?
like i said in the beginning, do what you think is right in your heart, as long as you do it with love, everything will fall in place.

ps. taking your child home from the store when misbehaving... be prepared to go back the next day & re-shop all over again sometimes....sorry

I found this book to be very helpful; I bought it on Amazon.com for around $12
Very easy to read, and presents solutions to problems in an easy to implement way. (the book is 1-2-3 Magic, by Thomas Phelan) You can use this system with kids as young as 3.

http://www.parentmagic.com/

I am a grandmother now and have gained much wisdom trough the years. My youngest son is 31 years now, but when he was 2 years he was the same as you say your son is. did you have a bad delivery or did your son have a problem when born? my son had a true knot in his umbilical cord and 3 turns around his neck, he was chainotic and was given oxygen at birth.
I had so many years of shame, bad experiences, problems with freinds, family and teachers. I spent thousands of dollars with psychologists, psychiatrists, special schools, you name it. they gave him medications, Ritalin, antipsychotics, etc. At least now a days there is a lot more help. the first thing I would do is set up a very specific time schedule, have him do little chores at a time. if you want him to pick up his toys, do it first with him, and next time give him a toy to up in its place, and so on. until the time comes that he does it himself. give him some kind of prize for when he does it right, no sweets, in fact it is best if he has a diet that does not include sugar, white flower nor colorants or preservatives. these just make him more hyperactive. My son tells me now that when he was small, he heard loud voices and screams like they were buzzing in his brain and he had a hard time understanding, so he reacted. it is important to not punish by screaming nor hitting. do not allow him to scream at you nor hit you but never hitting nor screaming at him.The best thing is having limit setting and a lot of activity with a lot of love I am sure that you can find support groups close to where you live. and if you can delay using medications do it, I don't believe these medications help. unless he needs a medication for when he needs to pay attention to his schoolwork. have him do exercises and things that will tire him a lot. these children are very inteligent, smart and have a good memory. let me kmow if this helps.

Sounds to me like some Reality Discipline is in order here. The first keys to reality discipline are: keep a cool head and consistant follow through. He is old enough be given a clear statement of consequences for bad behavior- for example, if you run away,or hit anyone in the store, we will check out and leave as soon as we can, and I will not take you shopping the next time I go. If you hit your sister, you will go to time-out (or if you think this should be a spanking offense- you will get a swat on the bum). This sounds like a child who has some power issues-maybe giving him some special jobs will also help. 'Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours' by Kevin Lehman has good advice on what jobs are appropriate for his age level.

I would recommend reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" and "Liberated Parents/Liberated Children" both by Faber and Mazlish. I just took the workshop and it was amazing. I use the skills in this book to change or prevent a tantrum, express my anger without being hurtful, resolve conflicts, etc. and they really work. Also I would get Dr. Sears "Discipline" book, which was also very good. I hope that is helpful. Good luck.

Just to add to what someone else said -- 1-2-3 Magic works on 2-year-olds as well. ;)

The book essentially lays out techniques for time-outs and structuring discipline. I think the authors put out a DVD too if that interests you.

Hi K.! I know what you're talking about, although my out-of-control 3-year-old never got quite as bad as what you describe. Just so you know, he just turned 4 and is already showing signs of improvement. I have a friend who is a child psychologist and one thing she reminded me of that helped a bit was that at three, they are testing their boundaries. They really want to see what they can get away with. What they need is *firm* boundaries to feel safe and loved. So what is most important is that you don't let him get away with the screaming and hitting. You will have to figure out consequences to his behavior that are severe enough to let him know that he may not behave that way. The consequences must also be related to the problem, if possible. If he yells about toys, take them away. Hitting is a hard one, that I didn't have to deal with. I don't know what I'd do about that...sorry. Best of luck.

R.

Hi K. please check out www.challengingbehavior.com

They have great evidence-based strategies that work.

Good luck and share with everyone.