Finishing School and Boyfriend Dilemma

Forgive me if I am being crass, but my advice would be to DTMA*.
He sounds as if he is not flexible, not helpful and not too loving,

I wish you the best, you are a strong woman who knows what she needs and wants. Remember that. And good luck.

*(dump the motherf***er already).

Don't do it. I didn't read a single line that said you love him, that he is a good man, a good father, or a good provider. It sounds like a business transaction and one where he gets all the benefits. Just because he is the father of your child is no reason to stay with him or do what he says. It sounds like you have your priorities right and know what you want/need to do. Trust yourself!

HOLD YOUR GROUND. If it feels wrong, it is. Good for you, for listening to your intuition...it will never steer you wrong. Pay attention to those details, things he says, the way he acts...and start asking for more help. No, don't ask. Tell him. "Hey, the baby needs XYZ. Will you bring it over this week?"

Stay put, finish school. Don't get engaged unless it feels PERFECT. If it doesn't then, just wait until it does....with him or without him.

SELECT. NEVER SETTLE.

And congratulations on your baby.

You are right. Finishing school is very important for you and the baby. I had to finish my last semester with a newborn, and it's not easy! He needs to understand and be more supportive. There is plenty of time to get married. My husband and I didn't get married until our daughter was 2.

Stick to your decision and good luck with your school! Oh, and make the father do more than buy diapers!!

Can you and your boyfriend move closer to your college?

Or, can you finish most of your degree with online courses?

Don't make any decisions right now. Hormones wreck havoc on women who have just given birth, you're probably sleep-deprived from taking care of an infant, and you're dealing with the major psychological change of having a new baby in your life. No one's mind works at its best under those conditions. However, here are some things to consider as you prepare to make a decision.

Try reframing what your boyfriend is doing (and what he sees you as doing) away from CONTROL. Look at each other's perspective:

BOYFRIEND: Wants to be a responsible father by marrying his child's mother, and become a family. This is the right thing to do. He is willing to live apart for awhile for you to finish your education. He is afraid that you will not stay with him and he will lose both you and his child. He is afraid of the shame of not taking care of his own child, if you go forward in life without him.

YOU: Scared of marrying someone you might not have chosen if you hadn't become pregnant together. Scared of losing the opportunity for a college degree and an easier life than your mother has had. Afraid of being dependent upon someone who isn't good to her and her child.

You are both trying to do what you believe is best. Fear is probably at the core of it for both of you. (Most men will never admit this, but they are scared to death of being shamed.) Neither of you can accomplish what you need without the other person's cooperation. Soften your hearts toward each other, and recognize how deeply the fears cut into your hearts.

I have done a lot of research on relationships, because I teach a course on relationship communication at a major university. Research shows that despite popular views on this, "compatibility" is not what makes or breaks marriage. Neither does communication. It's COMPASSION that makes or breaks a relationship. Loving each other and caring about providing for each other's core needs.....even when they are not the same as yours. Marriage is not easy, but if two people are compassionate toward each other and commit to making it work, it will work.

The research also shows that living together is detrimental to future marriages. A much higher number of people who lived together before marriage divorce than those who did not live together first. (Exception: if the couple have definitely decided to get married and they are just living together until the wedding, it is not detrimental. It IS detrimental if they are engaged, but one or both are not sure they want to go through with the marriage.) Those who live together are "renting" and know they can leave if they don't like it. Married people are "buyers", and leaving is not as easy. There is far more incentive to make it work and to treat each other right. Researchers believe that there is emotional damage done during the "renting" stage that is hard to overcome in the subsequent marriage.

Ladies, don't assume that her boyfriend is a bum because he hasn't offered to pay for things. He might just be clueless. He might be afraid of paying for bills and then never having you live with him as the husband/father. Ask him what he will do if you are living together or married. Don't assume.

In addition to taking responsibility for supporting your child together, your boyfriend needs a reality check about finances. If you marry, your finances should all be JOINT, SHARED, TOGETHER. They will not be "your" bills and "his" bills. Get some pre-marital counseling, and look for a comprehensive pre-marital program, if possible. That will cover this sort of thing and insist that you plan a budget ahead of time.

This is going to sound harsh, but you gave up the possibility of "taking it slow" when you had sex and conceived a child. Too late now. You've already made an 18-year commitment to raise your child. Unless your boyfriend is abusive (and wanting you to be together when it's inconvenient to your educational plans is not being abusive), you can create a good relationship together and give your child a good home.

I wish all three of you the best. Let us know what you decide.

You are smart. Follow your intuition and do what's best for you and your baby. Completing college and getting your degree is a good investment in your future. If you let that go and it doesn't work out with your boyfriend in the long run, then your dropping out when you are so close to the end would end up being a big source of regret for you. Not only that but, it would be a big financial strain for you. People with degrees have more job options and more earning potential than people who simply "attended college".

Possibly your boyfriend is very anxious right now because he wants to start having a full-time family but he needs to be practical and respectful of your needs. You also need to work out a few issues before you decide to take the next step of living together like, just how are the finances are going to be handled and how best to raise your daughter. He may not automatically offer to help because it hasn't occurred to him to do so and he maybe clueless about how expensive babies are and this is something that you will need to talk to him about because he should be bearing half the cost.

Anyway, I'm sure that you've got things all figured out and have a good head on your shoulders. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your child.

If it weren't for the baby, would you want to be with him? You need to figure that out before you go moving, etc. I think you sound very smart and you're wise to listen to your inner voice. Yes, your child will their father but that doesn't mean you need to live with him and/or be married to him. Take care of yourself and your child's need first and deal with him second. It sounds like he's trying to the "right thing" but honestly, if your heart and his heart aren't really in it, it isn't going to work and that is surely not what's best for the baby. What's best is to have two loving parents who are happy and healthy and dedicated to their child, but no where does that say they have to be together to do that! Your feelings may change once you have graduated and you two have more time together, and that's okay too. Just do what you feel is right.

I think you are a very well rounded young lady and playing it very smart. Once you create this family lifestyle he wants so badly with you its going to be very hard to finish your education. Take it from someone who knows and my mother told me I needed to finish before marriage before kids before such and such and did I listen.....of course not! So now 5 years into marriage (and I never went back to school because we couldn't afford for me to go back.) I get pregnant with TWINS-totally unexpected so of course any moments I have had about wishing I could go back is gone. Although I am quite sure if I wanted it to happen I could but I just don't really know what I want to do when I grow up-lol!
He has finished his school and seems like he wants to "settle" but wait the honeymoon period ain't over just wait. He might be a well-rounded person and be there for you many moons more but why trust that? Don't ever depend on another person...never! You don't know what could happen and I'm not speaking from you two not being able to make it together...what if he died or something then where would you be? At the age you are most likely it wouldn't happen but death isn't exempt to age you know-it can happen to anyone at any given time. stick to your guns on this one. You have a lifetime to create the kind of life he wants to give you and if he loves you that much he can and will wait on you. Tell him to back off or lose you forever and let him know you stand your ground on this. You go girl! I can only hope my two girls will have the guts to stand their ground. So many girls get caught up in the moment......

Your priorities are completely RIGHT! You need to put finishing school first so you can provide for you and your baby regardless of what happens with the boyfriend. Good luck!

Unplanned or not now you are a mother and need to do what's best for your child. Obviously to have relations with this man means that you cared about him and were committed up until you had a baby. I think you do need to finish school/take care of the baby first and if you still care about your boyfriend you also need to work on the relationship second. It is give and take on both ends. Sounds like he also needs a reality check he has to and needs to support your baby uh hum...child support????!!!!

sounds like you know what to do education and raising baby # 1 he can wait and start having him give you $ for formula dr ect

good luck

M.,

Stay in college and get down on your knees and thank God that you are NOT married to this jerk. He’s probably already counting the high salary you will earn once you have your degree, so being a dad will even be “cheaper” not to mention “lucrative” for the bum.

Don’t move, stay right where you are and break it off with this guy. You made a mistake that has resulted in a child (your baby is not the mistake), your choice in picking the father was.

Take good care of your baby and yourself. Lose the loser and get a child support order in place through the family division of the District Attorney in your area.

Blessings…..

M.,
You're a mom now. Do what's best for you and your child. Finish your education and place yourself in the environment that is most supportive.
Be specific and TELL your boyfriend what you need and when you need it, diapers, clothes, whatever. It is his responsibility to provide that baby with the things the child needs. Good luck!

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Explain to him that school is way to important to put on the back burner... how easy things will be once your done school and have 2 good incomes in your household. Also explain to him that you will be doing whatever is best for your baby, not for him. Go online and do some research on how much child support he would have to pay if you did not live together and remind him of that every time he makes comments on how cheap being a dad is.

Even if you love him, and even if you have a child together.... it is your duty as a mother to make your decisions based on your child's best interest... and it sounds like you are heading in the right direction! Good for you for being so tough on staying in school... and good for you for realizing how important it is to think of your child first and take care of your responsabilities, too many young mothers take advantage of their situations and rely on other people to take care of them, I find it refreshing to know there are still independant young ladies out there!

KUDOS!!!!

Why don't you tell him he needs to move in with YOU? It's best for your baby to have an intact family. She will suffer if she grows up without a dad.

Yes, you should finish school and all, but you should try to make this relationship work, also. I hate to say this but, you say things are "moving too fast?" Guess what -- you just had a baby -- it already moved too fast.

It's GOOD that your boyfriend actually wants to be with you. Why do you think that means he wants to "control" you? What, would you like him better if he were one of those irresponsible jerks who impregnates someone and then dumps her? There are enough of those around. You need to appreciate that your boyfriend wants to stick by you.

Diane S., below -- RIGHT ON!!

I WORK WITH KIDS AND EVERY DAY I SEE THE RESULTS OF TEEN GIRLS WHO GREW UP WITHOUT FATHERS. IT'S USUALLY NOT GOOD. Take that into consideration.

You need to set-up a cild support and visitation agreement. Then you two shoudl start dating. A relationship based only on sharing a pregnancy is not the way to build a relationship. After dating for awhile and mutual proof of holding up your responsibilities, then you can become engaged.

If he loves you and intends to be responsible and supportive, then he will back off and be willing to wait without stressing you out. You are a brand new mom trying to pull yourelf together. He needs to respect that.

By the way, I was married ot my husband for 5 years when we had our first child. At 2 weeks old, I was enough of a basket case without all this nonesense. Relax and enjoy your baby. And yes, put that child first. You sound like a smart woman and your instincts are good.

He needs to respect your desire to finish your education. So on that note can he move in or closer to you? I would say that you both moved so fast & in order to move forward you need to do things right and that means getting to know eachother better, take a pre marital class with a counselor or at a church, find out about each others finances (take a Dave Ramsey class together), pull each others credit reports, take a parenting class etc. There is so much you can do to get to know eachother so you can figure out if you want to move forward. It's very important that he helps out financially with the baby but you need to speak up, sometimes guys just need to be asked because they just don't know.