18 Y/o Daughter Issues

Once they are legally an adult, there is nothing you can do. Tell her 1) if she gets married you are no longer supporting her, and 2) DON'T get pregnant, because the odds are this marriage won't last.

About the phone: Taking cell phones away from them at 18 makes no sense. You want to be able to communicate with her, so giving her a phone is a good idea. And taking a phone away from an 18 year old isn't going to change her mind about anything. Taking away phones is punishment for 13 year olds, not 18 year olds.

If I were you, I would do what I have had to do with my 20 year old dtr. She too has made some decisions that I didn't agree with but she is an adult. You can not get in her way of what she wants to do too much because that would just make her more determined to do it. I have had to learn that the hard way. All you can do is state your concerns one time, and one time only, then step out of the way. I have gotten to the point where I tell my dtr, "look I don't agree with what you are doing and this is why......" after I have my say, I tell her that I love her and ask her to just be careful. Then I backoff and just hope and pray for the best. All a parent can do is raise their children in the best manner they know how and hope that they make the right decisions and go down the right road. They are going to make mistakes like we did but hopefully they will learn from it. It sounds like you will have to back off and let her be. Express your concerns one time and let her go. It's hard to do that as a parent because we know how things will usually turn out to be but you have to remember, we know this because we have the life experiences and the wisdom. But how did we get this wisdom? By going through these things. Your dtr will have to learn the same way. Good luck.

She is 18 not 13...you obviously love her very much and don't want her to make the same mistakes that you made...this starts off with good communication.

When I went off to college (seven hours away) it was with the understanding that I do my best in school and get a degree...however, my decisions were my own...how often I called home, who I dated, if I got a job (to pay for extras), where I went, who I went there with and why. I mean how could my parents control me from seven hours away other than cutting off funds for tuition and dorm? The whole point of me going to college was to take classes and I had to live there.

My parents told me it was the best time of my life as I had all the freedoms of being an adult with out all of the responsibilities...yet. I had to go to class, make my grades, keep a budget, pay my bills, decide how to spend the money I had and if I needed a job...keep that job or quit if it effected my grades. I could date whomever I decided to date...

It was learning to be an adult "light" without all the other pressures of life involved...aka fully supporting myself and trying to get an education and having no backup if things went wrong.

Before I left for school my parents even discussed what would happen if I decided I wanted to get married...it was possible I could meet someone with whom I wanted to marry in the 17 to 22 year range. They stressed that my education was the biggest priority and they would not cut off tuition or living expenses with in reason...however no matter what happened I was not to drop out of school to "support" a husband through school. I was to finish my degree. That if I found that special someone, we could all sit down together and figure out how to make it work so that we (he and I) could both have the best possible start to our life together.

Can you sit down with the couple and help them form a five year plan? Are there schools where he is stationed that she could transfer to? I assume he is military...is he taking advantage of college while in the military? Will the military be his career or a jumping off point to another career? What will happen if she gets pregnant? Can they make a plan for that happening? Will they try and be very careful to avoid this until they have their feet under them?

The more you are supportive and help them find a way to make it work...maybe they might see that waiting a bit might be better (what if he gets deployed?) or they might go right a head and get married anyways.

You can no longer control her as a minor...try to start working WITH her as a young still learning adult.

Sending you a hug...letting them go has got to be so very very hard. My dad cried most of the way home after dropping me off at college because he thought he might never live close to me again or see me other than on vacations. (I now live about five blocks over from him and my step-mom...raising my kids in the same wonderful place my parents raised me).

i was set to marry my ex the day i met him when i was 14, we married when I was 21. For some reaosn I felt I had to. Anyway I am glad and would not change a thing becaue I got my aughter BUT if my daughter was in the sittuation I would encourage her to spend a semester overseas and travel and enjoy life and see the world before commiting to something. If I had the money I would make a deal that she travel abroad for a summer and learn new things without the guy and I would pay for it and then if she came back and was still in love I would support it. Sometimes girls get so wrapped up in a guy they dont beliee in themselves anymore

You have to let her make her own decisions. All you can do is caution her that you think they are too young to get married and give her the reasons why.

Taking away a cell phone? She is in college and ready to marry, maybe Su can buy het own phone...

As far as marriage, nothing you can do. I wouldn't cut her out if she marries the boy. She will need your full love and support if/when the marriage falls through. Tell her your opinion once, and move on :-)

Oh my. She's an adult. You have to let go if you want her to learn how to make good decisions. Taking away her phone was treating her like a child. Which then causes her to want to prove even more that she's not, causing her perhaps to make more poor decisions.

The more you fight against her choices the more she's going to stay with them. I suggest that you back off and let her learn from her experiences. By doing this now she may learn enough to not get married. The consequences are serious but still less serious than if you keep pushing and she gets married to prove her point. i.e. that she can do what she wants.

Taking away the phone pits you against her instead of creating a co-operative attitude. At 18 and living away from home she needs to be given the room to make choices without fear of retaliation from you. Instead of telling her what to do, keep an open mind, and discuss possibilities with her. Tell her, and mean it, that you realize that she's an adult and has to make this decision for herself. Let go of you making artificial consequences. Let her learn from the natural consequences of the decisions she makes.

Yes, the natural consequences are big at this age. That is why we need to allow them to make mistakes while they're still living at home. I wonder what would've happened if you'd not been h*** o* her for her lack of communication when she broke up with him? And let her work out the relationship knowing that you'd accept whatever she decided. Did you push her into his arms?

My daughter was living with her boyfriend at 19 and became pregnant. I've lived with this sort of behavior. I tried to convince her that she was making poor decisions and it only drove a wedge in our relationship. When she became pregnant, I told her she was now following an adult path and would have to be "on her own." I helped her find an apartment and get set up in housekeeping. Later I learned that she resented that I'd set her up the way I wanted instead of allowing her to set her apartment up the way she wanted. I thought I was being helpful.

Our relationship was quite rocky for several years because I kept trying to influence her decision making. She made some poor decisions but also some good ones. She did what she wanted to do. My involvement did not help her make good decisions. Eventually I accepted that she is an adult and has to make her own decisions and suffer the consequences without fearing my judgement.

She's 30 now, has a happy family, and is doing well. We now have an adult to adult relationship which has made all the difference in how well we get along. She now asks me for my opinion from time to time. I'm proud of her and who she's become. I realize that my backing off on influencing her life made a positive difference.

We have to let go of our children as painful as it is. They will form their life based on what they've learned as the grew up. Once they're an adult they are in charge of their lives. The more we try to make them do it our way, the more likely they are to do the opposite.

In regards to supporting our children financially. Yes, it makes sense that if we're supporting them they have to live by our rules. However, in the long run that is counter productive. My daughter and her boyfriend had jobs and were going to a community college. I helped. financially, because they were doing what they could do to support themselves. They had to follow my rules while living in my house but once they were on their own my financial help came with no strings attached.

The purpose of my continuing to provide some financial support was to allow them to learn how to manage money and live independently. For me, helping my daughter learn and grow takes precedence over my being in control.

I suggest that your daughter is on the right path. Good for her for getting a job and buying her own phone. Try to emphasize the good decisions that she makes while allowing her the experience of making poor decisions.

Oh the joys of parenting a teen/adult. Your post states that you have kept her quite close to the vest so to speak to keep her from doing what you did by getting married young. Well the reins have been taunt for a long time and now she is exercising her right to be free.

I have a friend who had four daughters who she kept very close. Once they got a taste of freedom they ran wild. The oldest went into the military and married a strange person had two boys 2 years apart and then later divorced. She is now raising those 2 (medical reasons). Daughter two went to a military academy graduated and is single and may not marry but loves the fast life. Daughters 3 and 4 fought tooth and nail about the holds. Daughter 3 went to college, moved out the dorm, lived with a guy she married and then divorced. Met the right man and married and now has one child and one on the way. Daughter 4 baby sister got pregnant in her senior year of high school, married the guy who went into the Marines and then she went in. She later divorced and did her four year tour of the military and now in nursing school. All going on for the last 13 years.

Mom finally admitted to keeping them too close and regrets the results of their rebellion(s). So find a way to compromise and suggest a way to meet in the middle. The idea of finishing the first year and a semester abroad or something away from the guy might help her see the light. If she is still wanting to marry this guy after she returns, then you might have to give your blessings and bit the bullet. He being in the military is going to be difficult enough I hope that she is really an independent person should she marry him or it will not work. Clinging vine wives do not do well with the military life style.

I hope that you all have a happy holiday season and a good new year.

The other S.

PS Her "friends" egging her on may be helping her to break the hold you have on her so that she find herself. Have her really read the wedding vows and have her defined what they mean to her and what is really being said -- she may change her mind and hold off. Good luck.

You didn't mention if you are helping her finance her college education, but if you are, then I would stipulate that if she still wants your help financially, she will need to wait until she has a degree in her hand to actually get married. If she is that determined to get married now, she will need to figure out a way to pay for college more on her own (loans, etc.). She will also need to figure out how to pay for the wedding herself. On the other hand, if she waits to get her degree, then maybe you can consider helping out with wedding expenses. Like you said, legally she is an adult and if she wants to make adult decisions, she needs to take responsibility for them. Let her know how hard you had it and how you wished you had maybe made different choices and you are afraid of her following the same path. You are happy you have her, but possibly got married for the wrong reasons. She has the opportunity now to get her college education before settling down with a husband - later, especially after kids come along, it will much more difficult. Not impossible, but not as easy as she may have it now. Can she tell you what her reasons are for wanting to get married? And does she have any idea how tough sometimes being married can be? What are her career plans for the future and does her boyfriend support them? Is the boyfriend willing to wait until she is done with college to actually get married?

eek! I feel for you - this is one of my biggest fears. The most important thing is to make sure she knows you are on her side. The other posters are right - you need to transition to an adult relationship. But no matter what, do not let anything come between you and your daughter. Tell her your honest advice but respect her autonomy. You're in a dangerous situation - do not let it become you vs. him. She may go ahead and marry this guy. Respect her decisions, no matter how terrible they are. I really like the living abroad idea, if it's possible. Good luck!

Hi, Consuelo:

I'm confused.
First you say the girl is like her mom.
Second, I married her father.
Who is writing this story, the mother the father.
Just want to know.
D.

You must be praying and hoping she changes her mind! I agree they are way too young. I hope they dont do anything they will regret but I dont know how you can stop it. I was SO upset when my 19 yr old decided to move in with her boyfriend. I continue to pay for her tuition and cell phone but nothing else. I'm sorry you're getting bashed for having your daughter get her own phone, sounds like she is moving toward being independent. I guess try to ask questions about their plans without getting upset, criticizing or scolding, just question how they plan to live? Mention you hope she isn't repeating your mistake but then let it go. Personally I might continue to help pay for her tuition but I would NOT throw her a wedding. I wonder why she is thinking marriage in this day of living together? Do you think they are totally against premarital sex? Could this marriage be about values rather than running away from childhood? My daughter's friends would not encourage her to marry....are you sure they are encouraging? (don't take her word for it ) or has she talked them into being supportive? I wish I had great advice, sorry

It's her choice. She sounds like she is accountable and is making otherwise good decisions.

Consuelo:

I feel for you. When my daughter, now 25, was in college, she got engaged...she dropped out of college and worked for a while then decided to go back and broke up with the man. She is still single and still going to school but working as well.

If you are paying her way - then she needs to follow your rules. Personally? I NEVER would've allowed my daughter to be withOUT a cell phone. There's just too much going on in life to keep one from her.

Stationed in another state - does this mean he's military?
If she's engaged - it doesn't mean she has to get married RIGHT NOW.
The more you exert your wishes on her - a grown W./adult - she is on her own (albeit with your financial help) the harder she will push back.

Do you really want to risk losing her over this?

You can tell her your past mistakes - but if you put it to her like you put it to us - "what a stupid mistake it was" - she just MIGHT think SHE was a mistake as well. Is that what you want her to think?

Instead of fighting her - COMMUNICATE with her - find out why she is in an all-fired rush to do this NOW. Find out what her plans are....tell her your expectations, do not set demands and ultimatums - they will only hurt you in the end.

Good luck!!