Family Lost Their Only Child and Will Be Speding Christmas with Us

My sister lost her 5 year old son suddenly on June 3rd of this year. So, this Christmas will be a bit awkward considering that there are 8 other grandkids who are 1,3,3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 10 amd 13. There insn't a right or wrong here. I know that my sister is completely ok one moment and not the next. Just do what you would normally do and ask if she has any special requests. It's hard... I know.

You need to proceed as you normally would and be very open with them. They will guide you as to what is comfortable or not. Their intention is not to stress you out, it is finally their time to move on. What an honor that they decided to chose you guys for such a big day. They must feel very comfortable with you. Just be you and if they want to talk, talk, if they don't, don't. I would also ask them directly if they wanted to do something special for the birthday.

Good luck and happy holidays!

Ask them what they prefer, how you can be sensitive. Tell them that you have no idea what to do and for them to let you know if they have suggestions about how to negotiate this time. They, unfortunately, are going to teach you what they need. Do what you would normally do unless they let you know otherwise. This will probably, as stated, moment to moment for them, so it may be a case of just staying in the present. You are NOT expected to read them. That is too much for anyone to expect, unless there is an obvious display of emotion.

For me, I have my own anxiety only because that just seems to be the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. That they are making the effort to come, WOW!!. Like you said, this IS huge.

Celebrate family, hug your children, experience joy. All of this may feel terrible to them, but really, what is going to make them feel better?

Jen

C

I think everyone has given you great advice....just know that they are going to be on an emotional roller coaster so don't try and "fix" things for them. They obviously feel like the time is right to start to step back out into the family again during holidays. I would do things as you normally do...it would be even more awkward if one of your children asks "WHY" you aren't doing something that they are used to doing!!!
I love the idea of a locket for Mom on her son's birthday!!! I wouldnt even make a big production out of giving it to her..just have it wrapped and at her place at the breakfast table or slip in and put it on her pillow when she is out of her bedroom.
Most of all, let them know that you are there for them...if they need to talk or want to reminisce...or need someone to cry with them...you are available.
Don't have a lot of expectations...just rejoice in the fact that they want to share the holiday with you!!!

just do your normal things.. don't tiptoe around them. Give them a big hug.. tell them you are so happy to see them. If they bring their son up... listen.. comment... They might feel like they have to talk about him... Just tell them you are so happy to see them... and that you all missed them. Sometimes children might say something.. don't worry if they do... i lost an unborn baby.. miscarraige right before Christmas years ago... a child came up to me.. and said I know you have a baby in heaven now... it made me smile.. noone else wanted to say anything.. but this child made me feel good.

They are attempting to move on with their lives. The loss of their son will always be with them. The intensity fades over time. Welcome them and let them interact with the children as much or as little as they want.
Your SIL might just want to talk about her son or she may keep quiet about her loss. Follow her lead.
Just be there for them and act normally. Let her help in the kitchen if she wants or let her be your guest. You'll have to play it by ear.

I agree with Bethany C. Do what you'd ordinarily do and ask if they have any requests. I think that if you're able to be normal they will feel more at ease. IF you try to do things differently, even just toning it down may feel awkward.

I suggest that when they first get there be open with them and let them know you want this to be as good a visit as possible and ask if there is anything they'd like to do or not do.

I also suggest that they may feel sad at times and it's best to accept the way they're feeling without trying to cheer them up. Don't try to figure out how they're feeling or what they want. Let them tell you. This will be a difficult time for all of you but by just doing what you'd do if they weren't there will make less pressure for all of you.

Maybe just ask them how they would like things to go on, and like Bethany said, any special requests. It must be a very difficult time for them but they have to understand too that you probably dont know how to handle it either. So maybe just do your normal way of things but just keep it very low key. And try to make them as comfortable as possible.

And maybe make them a special day thing on their sons birthday. Maybe get them a small gift? A nice one for Mom would be a heart locket with a picture of the 3 of them in it. It might mean alot and would keep him close to her heart.

Or find a good picture of the 3 of them or just him and frame in a nice frame with a nice engravement.

Just a small something to let them know you are there for them and thinking of them. Could bring you all closer together as family.

not sure how to answer. I would do as normal maybe tone down a bit. more than anything be willing to listen. if they get quiet ask them if they are alright. dont be offended if they have to leave. tell the kids to act normal. in fact dont even mention it. who knows the kids might be the best thing that has happened to them in their recovery. there is no right or wrong answer on this. I asked my so who lost his son last january and he cant tell me. listening is the biggest thing you can do. play it by ear and dont let anything they do offend you or dont worry about offending them because they probably cant tell you what will offend them or why for that matter. the bday is going to be very very hard if they want to stay busy do it. even if this involves just going to the park and doing anything. if they want to be home bodies let them. if they want to bake a cake for thier son let them. if they stay in bed all day let them. dont push for them to get up. if they want to hold your kids all day let them. there is no right answer to this if there is anyway to answer it. good luck and be open listen and dont feel you offend them if they act funny its just their way of dealingwith it.

wow, and you have a 7 year old too!
Don't ignore their son's birthday. They will be thinking of him much of the time they are with you and pretending he never existed won't help. They probably have a memory box for him, you could get a little something in memory of his birthday. For Christmas you might see if you can find a statue of an angel with a little boy (Tuesday Mornings has a lot of these kinds of statues though I can't remember the name of the artist.) here's a Precious Moments one http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&expIds=1...

I so desperately want someone to tell me they are very sorry that my little boy, who would be nearing two, isn't here for Christmas, but I'm sure no one will. We had a family birthday party and no one acknowledged he would have been 1 that month. He just POOF no longer exists. I know that it's painful and easier to ignore it, but to the parents, he is everything.

I hope you have a good visit,
S. (lost Benjamin Isaiah during birth due to placental abruption)

hello

It is a big step for them to visit this holiday season.. Perhaps pull your brother aside and talk to him in private and see what his comfort level is.. Also, IF religious, for their child's bday, you could do as our family does which is buy a mass to be held on the child's bday.. I am not sure they would want you to tone it down in that they know you have kids and well, it can get a bit exciting at times. Again, speak to your brother on the side... get a pulse as to how he is doing as well as your sil.. also, don't personalize her behavior.. even if she does seem distant.. thing is, if she already had a hard time getting close to people, imagine how hard it is for her now with her son's passing.. this is a time when she might need people the most and yet has a difficult time reaching out.. Just be yourself and things will pan out... again, take nothing personalize and be as supportive as you can.. already sounds like you are loving and genuine..

Honestly, If I were in thier shoes doing the same thing I would want it to be as normal as it can be. If things are changed or different they will feel it and know it and that will just make things worse. If I were in your shoes, I would do my best to explain and give your kids gentle reminders but really try to keep things all the same.

i wold go about it all like you normally would. they may have moments and they will deal with them. how sad :(

I would do what you normally would do; traditions that are important to your
family. Your brother and SIL will know what to expect in visiting during
Christmastime in the future. Be ready with fun remembrances of their son.
They may be ready to start talking about him.
It is healing to remember the fun times. People want their loved one to be
remembered and know that their life mattered and that they are missed.
If I were visiting family at Christmastime, I would not expect anyone to change
their celebrations, but just be sensitive to what they need. Possibly you may
want to make a contribution to a charity in his name. Hope to hear how their
visit went. Merry Christmas.

Sadly at this time of year, so many people go through painful events, either loss of child, empty nesters, those with family members in psych hospitals,
people who CANNOT have children, people who have them and give them up- it is all grieving and all losses. And then it appears when they are ready to take the plunge they do and attempt to recoup. It is very generous of you take them in particularly when you weren't close and I think honesty is really the best policy. Tell them in some way, through a note or conversation, copy this, and share with them acknowledge their pain and let them know you understand if they need to step away or go rest or whatever allows them to return to peace. And do not tone anything down for your children's sake. It is your home and your life. And as I saw in another post, sometimes these types of situations change the entire dynamics of relationships. You may end up being very close.

I'm so sorry to hear that! I would ask them what they are comfortable with. Just tell them you want to make them feel comfortable but you need to know if there is anything they would rather aviod.

I haven't read the replies yet. I would gie them a big hug and let them know that they should feel free to participate as they wish and if they want to take a break and do something else (even just in their room or going out), just let you know.

I think that you should do what you would normally do. Anything short fo that would be an insult. Also, they know who they're visiting. Just make sure that you let them know that you want to be sensitive to them, and ask what their needs are. Then, leave it alone. They want to know that you are thinking of them, but they also want to get lost in the celebration.

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I think that you should do what you would normally do. Anything short fo that would be an insult. Also, they know who they're visiting. Just make sure that you let them know that you want to be sensitive to them, and ask what their needs are. Then, leave it alone. They want to know that you are thinking of them, but they also want to get lost in the celebration.