Disciplining a Toddler - Tempe,AZ

If you're ready to leave, it's time to go. If she's running around, that would be the point at which I would physically hold her and make her come with me or pick her up if necessary. I don't know that an actual "punishment" is necessary (the majority of the time), but she does need to know that what you say goes. Make her do what you need her to.

You don't punish, you correct and teach.

Toddlers, by nature, need guidance. However, this is often in conflict with our desire to be polite and not upset our children. Toddlers need us to be friendly but also to take charge, and we need to not be afraid of hurting their feelings while we provide this caring guidance for them. They *need* us to make limits, because a toddler has no bounds. While that can sometimes feel exuberant for them, it can also feel scary and limitless too. Know that: whenever you make limits, you are giving that child--even if they are furious with you at the time-- a sense of security too. When children learn boundaries, they grow to learn what is safe and comfortable, what is acceptable behavior, and they learn that their parents can protect them and keep them safe. The reverse is true as well, as you seem to know...

Some things you can do to establish limits:
Keep language simple, and prepare the child for what you expect. When you are leaving daycare, focus on her exclusively in that last minute before leaving the toddler room. "We are going to the car now. Hold my hand." Because she is not walking with you and instead running away and running around, you are taking charge. She needs to hold your hand all the way to the car until you can see that she can walk out to the car with you comfortably.

With a child two or older, you may offer a choice "We're going right to the car. You may walk with me or hold my hand." The second she begins to dart off, you take her hand. "I see you need to hold my hand now." Keep your voice calm, use very few words, and keep the direction positive. Telling her "don't run" keeps her brain thinking about what she wants to do. Telling her "hold my hand" helps her know what she's meant to do in that moment. She may not like it, but it *is* time to hold hands.

When it comes to this age, I personally prefer to use positive guidance and to physically assist a child who needs help moving along. I do know that toddlers move along more slowly, so please do allow your daughter time for transitions and for her brain to pull out of what was happening before and to focus on what she needs to do. However, this doesn't need to be forever. Some kids have a hard time leaving off play, which is when I use techniques like saying goodbye to toys/places they are interested in. Remind your child "such and such will be here the next time we come. It's time to say goodbye to it." This makes the transition more concrete in the child's mind. (I used this with a lot of my toddler groups and started doing this with our son when he was about 16 months old, or earlier. He's five and still I used it today, quite effectively.) Saying goodbye to places and things gives the child closure, in some way, much like it does for us as adults.

When toddlers say "no", I repeat the direction once more, point to what I am asking the child to do, and then walk them through the task. Sometimes this is a rather un-fun 'hand over hand' ordeal (your adult hands are gently but firmly helping them pick up a toy and put it away), but the job needs to get done. Toddlers aren't necessarily good at expressive language, so if a child is really digging their heels in, I do try to be a bit of a detective and see what the problem is. Are all of their needs met? If I child is hungry or tired or wet, or anxious, these are times that call for tending to that root problem. So, if I have a hungry little one who doesn't want to pick up their toys, we'll take a lunch break and try it again later. This is more about attending to what's most important, and those biological needs don't subdue or disguise themselves. Just to keep that in mind...

For hitting, I put a child in a place by themselves for a minute or two. Sometimes, they really need space to play someplace away from everyone else. Something I do with children of all ages is to have the person who was hit tell the hitter how they felt; with pre-verbal children, I will verbalize it for them. "Suzy doesn't like when you hit her." I also attend to the hurt child first, and ask the child who did the hurting to help me get an ice pack or make amends in some other way. Toddlers, from my experience, benefit more by being separated than by getting time-outs. After so many years of working with this age it is my observation that it is VERY hard for a toddler to make the connection of avoidance of a time-out to a desire to self-regulate. For many children, being separated from the group for a few minutes is instructive and provides the child what they needed: a break from being in the group. Do remember that toddlers are only learning to be social animals and that everything is "mine" in their eyes. So, when hitting and hurting happens, have her separate and take a break. However, you also need to provide alternate things to do when she comes back. If she wants to hit, offer her appropriate substitutes, like a hand drum (even an old butter tub with the lid on will suffice). If she likes to throw, get a few soft fabric balls and redirect her to those; take away the offending objects that she throws. (Sometimes kids go through phases when you do need to clear out all the hard toys and board books. It just happens. You get to be the proactive adult when those times come.) Do not give them back with a warning, just "You can throw the soft balls" and offer what's doable.

Parenting toddlers is breathtaking, challenging, exciting and very, very hard work! Hang in there. After 20 years of working with little ones, my impression of toddlers is that they are all curiosity, all will and spirit, and those good things often collide with what we adults need them to do as well as the boundaries of other kids. Consistent loving guidance will temper that exuberance and willfulness a bit. And remember, this too shall pass... Three's are a whole other story!:)

Yes, it's normal. She is a toddler, not a mini-adult.

That said, just because it's normal doesn't mean that you have to put up with it. There are ways to work through it, and finding those ways that work for your daughter are what you should be striving for.

Putting her in time out for running in the daycare hallway is not going to work. She doesn't want to leave, so you are keeping her there, even though she is sitting (toddler-1, mommy-0). When you say let's go and she says NO! and you keep staying until she is ready, she is also winning that round. You don't realize it, but you are actually teaching her to fight with you by the way you give in to her. She is in charge of you and she knows it.

Instead, keep her in the classroom until you are ready to REALLY go. When you get there, sit down with her and ask her about her day. Spend a few minutes letting her get used to the fact that it's the end of daycare and time to go home. Let her tell the toys, or the kids and the teacher goodbye. Let her help you get her things together. Get down to her eye level and tell her that now we are going to the car and there will be NO running in the hallway. Ask her "Do you understand me?" Get her to tell you what you just said.

Then hold her hand all the way out to the car. Don't let go. If she starts it, then it's willful behavior and you grab her around her waist, pull her tight to you and firmly say "What did I tell you, Susie? There is NO running in the hallway." Stay there in that position until she knows you mean it. And don't let go of her hand until you are in the car.

If she pitches a fit, pick her up and deposit her in her car seat. Tell her sharply that she disobeyed you. Stand outside of the car and let her cry. Turn your head away from her and ignore her. When she starts to taper off, open the car door and say "Are you ready to behave?" If she doesn't say yes and stop the crying, close the door again and wait her out.

This is very effective for a child to make them know that their behavior won't be accepted. If I were you, I would have a snack and a special toy (a different one every day) for her that is specifically for the ride home. In the morning, show her the toy before you take her out of her carseat to take her into the daycare. Tell her that she gets a snack and this toy IF she behaves and does what you ask that afternoon. When she does not, withhold both the snack and the toy. If she screams for it, pull over the car into a parking lot, turn around and tell her why she can't have it. Tell her to stop crying right now or she will be alone in time out in the car. Then do it. Get out and stand with your back to her, ignoring her. (Have a book or newspaper to pretend to read.)

It will take some time, K., but it will work. She will finally get it through her little head that she never gets what she wants when she has a meltdown. She will also learn that she loses privileges like clockwork when she defies you. You must be 100% consistent or you will make it so that she fights with you everytime. Like the lab rats who are inconsistently fed, and do all kinds of shenanigans to try to get food, children will act up in order to get what they want. And parents who placate them are teaching them to do it...

Good luck,
Dawn

As the grown up you have to adjust your actions to stop this. It's normal for kids to run free without abandon if they're not confined. So take her by the hand when she exits the classroom, hold her hand all the way to the car, put her in her car seat, when you get her out of the car take her by the hand, lead her to the house, let go of her hand when she's inside.

Same thing when going to the store, take her out of her car seat, take her by the hand, lead her into the store, put her in the basket, make her sit down, take her by the hand and lead her out of the store or out of the basket into the car seat....

This is how it's done. She is behaving normally, and could get seriously injured if she runs out the door and in front of a car.

Little ones that are starting their streak of independence, do well with having "options", and having a say in their decisions. Always try to give her two options, example: "Do you want me to carry you to the car? Or do you want to walk?" If there is resistance, just say (with good humor) "OK, if you don't want to walk, I'm going to carry you!" You may have to carry her the first time (or two), for her to understand you mean business. But, I bet she will like making her "own" decisions. I've gotten really good at giving 2 options for EVERYTHING! It really works! Even at almost 5 years old, my daughter still responds well to it. Also, get the book, Happiest Toddler On The Block; it was a life saver for me. Oh, BTW, what you are describing is all normal toddler behavior. Good Luck! :)))

Here's what I would do in that situation. Slow down -a lot- when it's time to leave, give her time to make the transition from being at daycare to going home. Then, when the two of you do leave, give her two choices: 1.) you can carry her to the car, or 2.) she can walk, but she must not run away. If she does run away, then I'd pick her up and tell her that she just chose to be carried. If your daughter is as independent-minded as mine, she'll quickly learn she must behave to be able to walk on her own. :)

I also agree you don't need to punish her necessarily but she does need to do what you say. What I do with my kids is give them a warning like " we have one more minute and we're leaving, one more slide down the slide." or something along those lines. Then pick her up and leave if she is not listening. My 16 month old for example she wants to walk but I tell her if she doesn't hold my hand I carry her or she goes in the stroller. I am not punishing her but she can't run from me or do whatever she wants. She is learning and I am teaching her that mom is in charge and what I say goes.
If you let her get her way the behavior gets worse and I think my kids are happier knowing their boundaries and getting to make good choices.

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It's normal. Pick her up and take her to the car.

OR,

do what Hazel suggests.

I taught the kids not to "disobey" which sounds way more harsh and archaic than it actually is. For instance, sometimes they're allowed to shriek and run away and climb and joke and play longer and whatever-we don't OVERDO our demands, but when we do say something, like "Right now, let's go" quietly, they know they have to comply or else. That's the reason that while half the kids in my daughter's daycare were putting their parents through hoops at leaving time, not stopping playing, tantrumming, not putting on coats..etc etc etc, mine would just leave with me gracefully. Behind the scenes at home I had taught them from age 18 months there were consequences for defying my direction to get packed packed up and leave. Not so much for the packing and leaving, but for purposely defying the clear and direct request I gave, regardless of what it was.

This way, you're not trying to set general rules for which things are allowed when, you're just teaching the kids to mind what you say at any given time which is much easier for them to grasp because it's in the moment. The challenge is that you have to be firm after a calm warning or two CONSISTENTLY to set the pattern. The book Back To Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is great for this approach and I have it to thank for my three well-behaved kids who I take everywhere with me and raise alone. I don't have to go nuts, give countdowns or bribes or yell to get them to leave locations at a request etc. Yes the behavior is normal, yes, time-outs can be so ineffective for some kids that you would need to use them all day long, but there are other options and ways to approach this.

Loveandlogic.com. It takes a bit more thought and work, but teaches your child how to think as part of the discipline. See if there are facilitators in your area.

You're emphasis is on TEACHING, not punishing. Give a lot of choices, do you want to carry the bag to the car or do you want mommy to carry it? Do you want to be carried or hold my hand? When you walk to the car NICELY with mommy you can have a sticker or some raisins, which would you like a sticker or some raisins? Tell her you missed her and want to hold her hand and talk about your day, model talking about your day, keeping it toddler ish by telling her about your drive to work, your lunch, the weather. Ask her about her day and make it a habit to make that walk to the car all about you two reconnecting. Later, at bedtime, tell her that picking her up from school and walking to the car chatting is your favorite time of the day.
Make sure she gets lots of time at daycare to run and play in a big room or out side, that she doesn't desperately need to run at pick up time. If not you need to look at other day cares and take her to the park on the way home.
Lots of reminders, lots of praise when she does it right, lots of redirection, keep her busy helping, carrying, talking to you about her day.