My son is 15 months old today. And he has always been enrolled in daycare. But after this past long weekend with his mommy in tow. He has made it difficult too drop him off everday. He screams at the top of his lungs, like he is injured and needs to go to the hospital. He has never done this before. Any suggestions on how to get out of the door without the screaming, or does anyone else have this problem? He is the only one in his class that does this. And I hate it more than ever. It makes me not want to go to work.
Well, it has been about a month now and he is getting better. When I leave I go around the corner where he can't see me and make sure he stops crying. And he does within a minute. That makes my day so much easier. But this week I started a new routine. We stop at Burger King and get hashbrowns and something else. He doesn't want it in the car but when we get to class, it appears that he thinks he is a big boy. We sit down at the table and he pulls all of his stuff out of the bag, puts it on the table and lays it out, hands me the trash and starts eating. He waves good bye and is completely fine. Hey, I know BK everyday is going to get expensive, but it makes my day so much easier..... Thanks for all of the advise, it really helped me realize that running out will just make it harder on both of us.
Hi M.,
My son has been in daycare since he was 2 months old. He has always loved it there but as soon as he hit about 15 months he started to cry sometimes when I left him. 15 months is the peak of their seperation anxiety. I would tell him that I loved him and would be back later to get him. I never snuck out that just makes them have more anxiety. My son now is 20 months old and does not cry that much anymore.
I'm so sorry if I offend the person who posted it, but I have to disagree with the mom who suggested staying a while and then slipping out. Both of these things will make matters worse. I used to teach preschool and I can tell you the longer the parents lingered, the harder it was on the child. Maybe stay long enough to get him involved in playing with a toy or something, but don't pull up a chair and hang out-- that's not good for either one of you. When my son's teacher sees that he's having a rough time separating from me, she says something like, "Would you like to help pick the snack today?" and he instantly forgets I exist! It's a big part of a day care provider's job to make your children feel comfortable and safe and welcome, and if your child's teacher isn't/can't take the time to do that then you need to find a different day care-- if she is doing that then let her do her job, then call when you get to work and check to see if he has calmed down-- chances are that he has because it's just the transition of you leaving that he's struggling with. If he is still screaming by the time you've arrived at work, there may be a bigger issue and since he's only 15 months old he can't verbalize what's wrong. And the other issue is about "sneaking out"--- please promise me you will never, ever do that!!! I used to babysit as a teenager for a toddler and his parents insisted on sneaking out! I wish I knew then what I know now so I would have insisted they say good-bye to him. They took the easy way out for themselves and selfishly snuck out so they wouldn't see him crying-- but what happened after they left was the toddler frantically searched the whole house looking for them. I betcha when his parents were home with him that he had a bit of paranoia that every time they were out of his sight he wondered if they were in the next room or if they were gone. It's so much healthier for the parent to give a hug and say good-bye.
Dear M.,
Oh, I feel your pain! It has been a couple years ago, but that "hurting" cry goes right to your heart.
That is the point. Amazing how the onset is right after a great weekend with Mom. They feel more than we realize. Your child knows that you are having a tough time with the separation. If there is anyway you could be in a good place with dropping him off - Take him a little earlier, have the routine for going to "school" so very positive. When you are in a more confident place, then it will not be an issue for your son.
Oh, again, I remember the pain. Make it painless and make it a positive morning!
I hope this helps.
Warmest regards,
L. W.
I have a home daycare and yesterday, my kids were awful. They were so whiny and screamed as their parents left. It is hard when their routine gets off schedule. Also, at this age, he probably saw another child try this or if you even blinked at his tantrum, he has decided that this behavior works. Did his behavior get you to hold him one more time, to cuddle him, to tell him you are sorry, you will be back, etc. Did the teachers scoop him up and give him extra attention? If so, it worked, he may have genuinely been upset that he had to part with you and preferred to be at home with you, but if he even got an inkling that if he threw a huge fit, it would get you to stay a little longer, than he is going to get worse and louder and scream longer until he determines that no matter how much he gets upset, you are still going to drop him off and leave and come back later just like you did when he was happy. Chances are if you ask his teachers, he is done screaming within one minute from the time you leave. He will get past this and the best thing you can do for him is to kiss him, say goodbye and leave, don't come back, don't let him catch you peeking at him. He will not cry all day and the longer he does cry, it is because he believes you will give in and come back, which will cause the poor little guy to scream for hours when you don't come back like you may have before. I work in the church nursery and it is so frustrating to see parents linger for half an hour while their child cries, leave fore ten minutes, come back for 20 minutes, try to sneak out again, etc. The child jsut is miserable and when they finally just drop them off and go, their kids are happy and secure, knowing they don't have control over their parents behavior allows them to let it go and just accept their situation and have fun. Be strong, he will be ok, and he will be happier in the long run. Whatever you do, DON'T try to sneak off when he is distracted, this will make him more clingy the next time, for he will always be worrying about you leaving or disappearing. It will also reinforce that he needs you to be safe and happy there. Always say goodbye, do a routine like hand the caretakers his bag, kiss and hug him, say goodbye and leave, he will appreciate the security of the routine.
As a daycare provider I tell my parents, a quick kiss on the hand, I love you and I will see you later always works. It only takes a child a few mins to get into the swing of things after you leave. DO not linger it makes it worse on the child and the provider because it takes that much longer for us to get your child to settle down and to redirect them. Please do not sneak out while the child is playing this in my opinon makes it worse cause then the child thinks you left them and they don't have that reassurance that you will be back. So quick kisses and tell your child you will be back later.
I am a home daycare provide and I have seen what you are talking about often. He has come to the age where he knows you are leaving for a couple of hours and he has decided that he doesn't like it. Of course it's heart breaking to you; you're his mom and his cries are designed to get your heartstrings. That doesn't mean it's always the best thing to cater to his crying. If you trust your daycare provider enough, (and I hope you do!) then walk out, and leave the consoling to her. It's much easier on everyone, (you, him, and the provider) if you don't hang around making the tears last longer than they need to.
Give him a quick hug, tell him, "Love you. I'll be back soon." and stand up and walk out the door. It might seem hard, but really, it's easier that way. More than likely, he'll stop crying before you even get out of the parking lot. If you want to, walk out the door and just step outside where you can still hear whets going on. It might re-assure you to see how fast he calms down with your provider's help. If you find that your provider actually ISN'T sensitive and caring, and the crying lasts a while because no one is comforting him, then THAT is a sign that you need a new provider. Probably, though, she will help him calm down and you will be comforted to know that he really is happy at daycare and that he doesn't cry long.
This has been my experience EVERYTIME. I have never had a child who didn't calm down quickly and get happy.
I hope this advice helps you!
C.
Make your departure quick. Give a hug, a kiss, a comment that you'll see him later and go. He'll be fine.
hello, I am Kim.
I recently enrolled my then, 17 month old, into daycare a month ago. The thing that I was reading was to reassure them that you will be back to get them. I always tell Benjamin to be a good boy, play nice, mama loves him, with tons of hugs and kisses, and then I reassure him that I'll be back to get him later. the teacher has gotten him into a routine of taking him straight over to the little tiny table for breakfast. now he goes right to her, and if he cries, it is only for a minute. I peek in so he doesn't see me, but i make sure that he is fine. it took me a couple of weeks before I stopped calling after I left him to see if he had stopped crying. the distraction helps.
hope this helps.
when you are leaving him at the daycare, try to leave as quickly as possible and not let him see how he is affecting you. This is an attention getting ploy and if he is getting the attention, he will continue to do the same. Give him a lot of attention and praise when he does something you want him to, not when he acts up. good luck,
ps. Would you be interested in investigating an option of being able to stay at home? If so, contact me at ###-###-####
O.
Hi M.
Maybe go a little early, stay there sitting on a chair and just watch. Just ignore him and don't look at him while he's playing maybe. And when he gets really into what he's doing, try and slip out, but stay as long as you can. I know the school I took my little one to,they had a room connected to this room, it was a art storage room with a one way glass window and speaker. it was great. I could sit in there after leaving the room and just watch how he interacted with the children.
T.
Dear M., this is perfectly normal and it is called seperation anxiety. I would suggest that you get a new toy, something soft and cuddley, and leave it at the day care. He can play with it at day care and then put it night-night til he comes back. If there is someone who he has bonded with at day care make arrangements to have her meet you when you come.Be firm and loving and explain mommy has to work to buy him toys and good stuff. Most of all don't feel guilty if you must work. lots of luck.
My son started this last year after we went away for the holidays and then came back. My mom worked in a daycare for years, and she assured me (as everyone here has) that the crying lasts for only a few minutes, so a quick exit is best. One thing that helped us is to have a routine from the time we get in the car in the morning until I go out the door to go to work. We talk about similar things in the car, I say and do the same thing when we get out of the car, go inside, and then I leave. It also helps my son to know that we will be going to "school" after breakfast, so I remind him now. Some kids might start screaming as soon as they hear it though. He has gotten into a pattern now where every morning he tells me he doesn't want to go to school (he says it very nicely), but then I ask him if he wants to go play with one of the kids or have chicken for lunch (if I remember what they are having) and he always decides that he does. And then he's fine. It also helped me to have a little reward for myself in the car every day for doing everything, because I was always tempted to stay and the crying made me feel so bad. So I had a kid-inappropriate CD in the car that I would turn up loud, so I could have something to enjoy that was completely unrelated to thoughts of him.
My girl did that after vacations or long weekends too and it comes and goes for periods of time... she's 28 months and we just finished another one. As long as the teachers assure me that she's fine once I go and they get her redirected within 5 minutes, I can go ahead and make the break. But it's way worse on us than them... they have much shorter attention spans than we do... so we dwell on it and guilt about it and they go on as normal as soon as we're gone.
I know it's hard, but it will pass and everything I've experienced, read and heard says that you just have to be strong, give them a huge hug, kiss and smile before you leave, saying I'll see you soon and giving a wave, even if they're hysterical... they pick up on signals from us too and if we are ambivalent about leaving them, they start to worry... the teachers now help me by distracting her once we've said our goodbyes so I can just depart and she is not attached to my leg like crazy glue.
Hang in there... it happens to all of us and yes, this too shall pass! :)
Good luck!
K.
My now 5 year old son did the same thing. There were some major changes going on too. I could not leave him without him hanging on to me for dear life with all of his might--and voice! I was at a loss as to what to do. After reading up on this behaviour and speaking with two of his teachers, I realized he was experiencing a separation anxiety. I reassured him that I would come back. A friend suggested to kiss his hand (leaving lipstick on the back of his hand) and told him that every time he sees it to know that mommy was thinking of him and would come back soon after going to work. It worked after a couple of days of reassurance and his teacher distracting him with the "show me your hand"--he even would do a "show and tell" with his little buddies in class of his mommy's "whipstick" kiss on his hand.
