Desperate Potty Training and Pressure on All Sides

My duaghter is 3 years and 4 months, I JUST got her potty trained, after almost 2 years, of trying. The reason I had to do it, is like you, she is going to preschool on the 23rd of this month, and they require potty trained kids in the 3 year old room.
It would be easier if he was potty trained, I almost gave up on my daughter, what worked for us was character underwear, telling her she didn't want to wee on their head, and putting her on the potty ever 30 mins.
My son was trained at just 2, I have no idea why my daughter was sooo late - continue with the training though, it will work out

poor baby :( i would definitely say he is NOT ready and they are all making him feel terrible and want to try even less. NOT GOOD. new school if possible. i hate that they are making him feel so bad. i would be so mad if it was my child.

do NOT listen to everyone who is pressuring you to force him into something he's not ready for. how do they think doing it now is "easier" than waiting until he's ready? it's complete bs that it's harder if they're older. HOW? ugh. honey i am so mad for you lol. step up and stand up for your child. this is not right.

The child has to be ready. It doesn't matter if the world is ready, he has to be. Honestly, it will be harder now because he is going to be emotionally distraught with the potty, hence the crying on the potty. Resentment should never even be an option in pottying and should always be positive. If the daycare teacher can't accept it, I would find a new daycare. The older he gets, the easier it will be because he will want to himself and not be forced to. A child can't be forced or manipulated into using the potty and you should tell them to shove off if they try to pressure you. I personally couldn't respect a teacher that was willing to make my child potty against her will just because she was 3... I would personally find another daycare just because her attitude of controlling something she can't makes me wonder how she acts with the kids. A lot of kids don't potty train until 3 1/2 - 4 1/2 yrs old.

Edit: Don't think you are a failure at all, my best friend is going through this and with us talking about it has finally told her aunt to leave her son alone (her aunt was putting her son on the potty and he was crying so much and hates the potty now)... it is getting better now that she has controlled her aunt away from her son's pottying, it's been 3 weeks since she told her aunt to shove off. Good luck with this controlling teacher. I do urge you to find another daycare if you can.

So what happened:
Don't feel stupid babe. Sometimes we feel like we are wrong because daycare providers and relatives have had more kid experience than us so we assume they are right or that this has to be done and feel the pressure. It is totally understandable :) Good luck, I hope you find a great daycare. I want to recommend you to please google the daycare you are at right now and review them and mention this. I would want to know that information if the mom (you in this case) would be willing to review and share :)

Your daycare provider needs a reality check. Your child, you get to determine when and how he is potty trained. Obviously their way is not working. Like everything else not all kids are ready at the same time, make it fun, make it easy, and he will figure it out. My boys were both potty trained around age 2, but I've done child care for several years and dealt with lots of kids who just weren't ready at that age. Regardless of how old they are, when they are ready it is soooo much easier.

My advice is to back off! It isn't worth all of the mess and crying and horror. He now associates going to the bathroom with negativity.
I have 2 boys. They wanted nothing to do with the toilet for a good while. If we forced the issue all it did was make them resent us and made everything worse. They are 10 & 7 and are no longer in diapers or having any accidents of any kind so I think we did fine waiting until they were ready ;) By kindergarten they were both completely done and in underwear full time.
I'm going to be honest here. All these people that swear their child is potty trained at 2 or other young age have done very little than Elimination Communication. They are willing to do multiple loads of soiled clothes and mopping of floors or cleaning of carpets because only having a few accidents is "doing good". They set timers to make sure they get their child to the toilet. The child isn't learning to recognize that they have to go or have the physical maturity to hold it in, they are simply dragged to the toilet often enough that most of it ends up in the toilet. And don't get me started on the people who put the potty in the living room so the child doesn't have to make it all the way to the bathroom. If the child doesn't have the physical maturity to hold their bladder to get to the bathroom then they aren't ready to use the toilet. They have essentially trained themselves and not trained the child. While there may be a small handful that have the brain and physical development to truly be toilet trained at a young age it's not as many as people brag about.
We dropped it and let them tell us when they were interested. Then one day it clicked. It only took a few weeks (maybe a month tops) to be 100% pullup free, day AND night! We are taking the same approach with our daughter that just turned 2. If she asks we put her on the potty otherwise we don't make a big deal of it. We don't have a little potty, we have adapters to use the regular toilet and a footstool so they can reach it and rest their feet so they don't dangle.
As soon as it clicked with my boys it was easy at cake! We only made it take a little longer just to make sure because I do not have the patience to constantly be cleaning up messes and tons of laundry etc. It's just not worth it and I have better things to do with my time. Keep dry in pullups for a week, get to wear underwear at home(but not out) for a week, keep those dry get to wear underwear at home and out for a week.
He will get it. He will not be in diapers forever. But if you make it a fight like this it's only going to take longer.
Tell the teacher to back off. If it's because she doesn't want to deal with diapers, how is dealing with tons of soiled clothes any better? If she's not willing to stop find a new teacher.
Best of luck.

Ugh, this makes my blood boil. YOU are his mom, YOU make the decisions about these types of things. Stick to your guns. If you do not think he is ready, then wait. Good luck mama

Both my sons potty trained late. My youngest was almost 5 before he got it all figured out. Neither boy was terribly interested when their preschool teachers thought they should be. Unless there is a school policy that three year olds be trained then his teacher needs to back off, pull on her lovely latex gloves and handle diaper changes. The more she pushes, the harder she makes the process for everyone, especially your son.

I agree 100% with the suggestion that you find a new pre-school, if at all possible.

You are not a bad mommy. When your son is interested he'll let you know. Until then, his teacher can grin and bear it.

Hang tough, mama.

i know it is probably super hard, but is there a different daycare, or maybe someone who does child care in home that would be able to help with the potty training??? please do NOT think you are a failure, because you are not!!! some kids are much harder to train and have issues that make it hard for them. i think i was close to 4 before i would use the potty and had issues with night time bladder control until i was in my teens, some people just have a harder time with it. i wish i had some good advice but i dont. my 2 1/2 year old is still in diapers. he will tell us after he goes, he has a potty chair and he'll sit on it and pretend to go poo but that is about it. i hope things work out!

I would stop. It's so ridiculous how people get over potty training! (I haven't read any of the comments, so this is not meant towards anyone who has left a comment). I just read today that the average age for boys to potty train is 37 months old.

In my opinion, it's a WASTE OF TIME and ENERGY to force a child to potty train. When you wait until they are ready, it's a piece of cake! It's so NOT true that the longer you wait, the harder it'll be to potty train them.

It's important to not make it a big deal...to NOT stress him out over it. It's just potty training. I think your gut is telling you what to do about it. Don't do it right now.

I potty trained my oldest when she was 3.5 years old. She was the size of a 2 yr old (literally) and so I never felt pressure to potty train her. It was quick and easy when the time came.

Then when I had my son, I felt pressure to potty train him around age 2. So, I did. He was potty trained for four months before I decided to stop. It was just way too demanding on me. I had a newborn, and my son didn't know how to pull his pants up or down, and he needed regular reminders, etc. He'd have to go pee at times where I was taking care of baby and couldn't stop and he'd have an accident because I couldn't get to him in time. So, I stopped and tried again a little after he turned 3 years old. It was a breeze. He didn't seem to get it until I had him go bare bummed. Once he was bare bummed, he potty trained in just a couple days, only having a couple accidents. That has been the easiest way to potty train in my experience. They pay more attention when they have no pants on...hehe.

Then with child #3, I didn't even try to potty train her before age three. She had times where she wanted to go, so I'd take her. But usually she lost interest fairly quickly, so I stopped. She just barely turned three, and a few days before I said "You are almost 3!! That means you get to go potty on the toilet and wear shorties like your brother and sister! That means you are going to be big enough to do that just like them!" I made it super exciting, and she felt super excited about it. I've been potty training her for maybe 6-7 days, and she's had 2-3 accidents and that's it. She's starting to feel quite reliable about it all and if she keeps it up, in the next couple days i'll feel content she's fully potty trained. Most days she doesn't have an accident.

When they are ready, it's SO MUCH EASIER.

I would feel stressed thinking of daycare pushing it before he's ready. I know they probably don't like having to change his diapers, but you are PAYING them to take care of your child. I don't feel like it's their place to tell you what you need to be doing with your son. I understand it affects them, but something like potty training can be too stressful to kids, and it's something you should have a say in.

Anyway, I'd give it a break if it's getting so upset about it. That shouldn't be part of potty training.

Good luck!

I would stop the potty training immediatly! Your son should not be crying,upset etc... This has to be a fairly pleasant experience for success! Stop for about two or 3 weeks. But continue to talk about it in a postive way and let him witness daddy go potty (if possiable) or you. Try to find some potty material for him books,videos etc...and also get rewards for him! I had a hard time training my youngest son (was diagnoised with Autism) I went to the dollar tree and bought alot of small toys and I wrapped these toys. They were presents for him everytime he went potty! He was potty trained within a months time!!! But every child is diffrent you have to do what will work for your child. Don't let that daycare lady persure you into something he's clearly not ready for. But at age 3 it should be persued. It will happen in time with positive guidance from you and everyone around him.

Why is the teacher rushing it? Is she just tired of changing his diapers? Are they trying to move him into a room of all 3 yr olds that requires kids to be potty trained?

Press back and ask them what the rush it. He is SOOO not ready if he has no interest and if it is causing him to cry. I haven't pushed either of my older boys when it comes to potty training. I let them ask me to use the potty, and don't demand that they produce results once they are on there. My oldest son was daytime trained around 3.5. My 2 yr old is only very casually interested in it.

To help encourage him to try, however, you could start by letting him see YOU go potty, and let him flush. When he poops in his diaper, rather than wrapping it up and throwing it in the garbage, bring him into the bathroom with you, dump the contents into the toilet, and then let him flush and say "bye bye" to his poopies. I know, it sounds dumb, but I have found it helps peak their interest.

In the meantime, find out why the daycare is pushing. It is wrong of them to force it to the point that he is in tears. That will only set him back further.

Is this teacher too lazy to change his diapers or why is she pushing it? Does your son's school have a policy of when they need to be potty trained (like they must be trained before transitioning to the next age group)? If so you may need to look for a more accommodating school, I know that at our preschool there are no changing facilities in the pre-k room, so kids must be dry before they move up (usually at age 4). But in my daughters room (age 3-4) there are still plenty of kids in pull ups.

I do not believe that forcing a child to potty train when they are not physically or emotionally ready will do any good. If at all it will make it SO much harder when he is finally ready.

Speak to the teacher and ask her why she is forcing the issue and then TELL HER TO BACK OFF. You are the mother, you make those kind of decisions.

No kid should be crying over going to the potty. This is just WRONG.

Good luck!

Well my son, once he was 3 and at about 3, pretty much self-trained himself. Mind you, it does not happen over night. It never does.
BUT the child has to be ready.
But that doesn't mean you just don't do anything.
Talk to him about it, put a potty chair out wherever he is, because a potty chair is portable etc.

But the child has to be ready.
Or it will be a drawn out battle.

Have the school, train him. Many parents do that.
Then they use the same methods, at home, as the school does.
BUT your school, seems to be forcing him and he is now, crying.
THAT is not good.

But well, do not feel like a failure.
Many boys, ARE later in this area.

Per your description of what he is doing at Preschool, he does NOT have, the readiness yet. Nor awareness nor control over his bladder or his body's cues. MANY boys are this way.
Forcing it, will not make it just happen, nor overnight. And some kids then get hang-ups about the potty, if forced.

It is not easy, because you are getting pressured about it.
From everyone.
And so now, your son is "resenting' the whole potty realm.
That is no good.
For him.
For you.
Can you just start him with Preschool, later????

He should not be crying over it.
There is TOO TOO TOO much pressure on him.

Go as is appropriate for your child.

I am a pretty firm believer that every child can be trained by age 3, but I don't know what your day care provider is smoking. That method will not work with most kids. Creating lots of negativity around the potty will just prolong the process. At this point I think the best option is to take a break from potty training for at least a month and either have a heart to heart with your day care provider or find a new one. When you do try to potty train again I recommend a 3 day method that focuses on moving them to the potty when they start to go, rather than making them sit and hoping they happen to pee while they are there. If your son is going as soon as he gets up then it is clear he has no idea what he's supposed to be doing and then he's getting yelled at for not doing it. Regardless of what you do there should be lots of praise and no punishment or disappointment when he has accidents. Good luck to both of you and I'm so sorry you had to go through this for something that is a totally normal part of development.

He'll do it when he's ready. If he is starting to resent it, you need to stop for a while. He won't wear diapers forever. Ask- but don't force him. Let it be his choice. He'll probably be trained before he turns 4. My kids learned when they were 3. I had everything ready for them. I introduced it and tried to push them. As soon as I gave up, they trained themselves and were accident free within a week. It's frustrating, but try to ignore everyone else and do what is best for your son. Good luck

I'm so glad to see in your follow-up that you are going to follow your mommy instincts. I'm sorry both you and your son had to go through this. Our son was almost 3 1/2 when he finally trained, and it was so easy because he was fully ready at that point. Never had accidents in bed at night or any of the typical training problems (except for the occasional accident during the day when he didn't get to the potty in time but was trying to make it there). Our daughter will be 3 in Dec. and we're going through the same thing with people thinking she should be trained already, but she is adamant that she wants nothing to do with the potty at this point. Regardless of all the potty training techniques out there, if a child isn't ready, it isn't going to work. Hang in there, and know that it will happen when your little one can handle it. Best wishes as you shop for a new daycare center.

I really feel for you. Boys take longer than girls and usually do not show an interest as early as girls with potty training. With having your child in a day care it makes a harder for a parent because they see it as a one size fits all. It doesn't work that way. Every child is different. My youngest son was not potty trained until a little over 4. Children should not be forced to do something before they are ready but unfortunately some of these day cares and preschools refuse to see that. If they can be more flexible, tell them he is not ready adn that you don;t want problems down the line. Boys seem to have a hard letting go of their stools(control issues) I would not stick with it unless you have to. I don;t know if you have other options on where her goes or saying no. I hope this works out for you and your little man.

I know you already responded but I must say that I feel your pain! I have a son who just turned 4 in July and hasn't even begun the potty training process! I talk to him about it all the time but he is not interested really at all. He has sat on the potty before and done a little bit but not consistently. My daughter was easy and I didn't even potty train her, she did it all on her own.
I don't think it is right to force him to go though. Like they are doing at day care. That will just lead to more resistance and make him not want to even more. Who said there has to be a certain "time" a child HAD to be potty trained? I don't force the issue with my son either but I am beginning to think I need to coax him more at it. He needs to be potty trained before he goes into kindergarten!!!

I haven't potty trained my son yet but my eldest daughter wasn't completely trained until just past four. We'd had several regressions. My second daughter showed little interest in the potty until 3yrs old and then only used the potty sporadically. Then one day, about three months before her 4th birthday, she stopped going in her pants! All kids learn at their own pace and in their own time.

It sounds as if the daycare didn't want to deal with diapers and put their own agenda before the welfare of your son. Why is everyone in such a rush to push their kids? Also, just because it worked for their child doesn't mean it will work for every child. I wish parents would stop being critical of other parent's methods. There just might be a reason for them!

Ahhh, I hate to hear this. My son was the same way, was not potty trained until he was almost 4. My babysitter was so good and patient with him, she would gently encourage, but never made him feel bad. I feel like I did the same, would talk about the potty and encourage him to go, but never forced him to sit there. It WILL happen eventually, for some it takes longer than others, but he will do it when he's ready. I know that I got tired of people telling me that, but it is true. Also, once he decides to do it, his body will be completely ready, and you will probably have to deal with few accidents! I would definitely look for a new daycare who is more in tune with child development and the reality that children do things at different times. Good luck!! It will happen soon!

If he doesn't want to be trained, he won't be. My son wasn't potty trained until well after 3 and would not go #2 in the potty until almost 4. If I would have pushed him too much, it would have been a long painful process. I waited until he was ready and it went much smoother. There shouldn't be too much urgency, he will eventually go in the potty. Someone told me, "He won't go to college in diapers, so don't worry about it!"

Good luck!

As the mother of 4 boys I totally feel your pain. I never started with any of them until they were 3. For boys, it just isn't a priority and that is ok also. My MIL told me at every chance that she had my husband trained at a year. I didn't let it get to me. She bought my #3 son a singing potty chair at 2 and tried to get him started. I put it away when she left that day and didn't pull it back out until he was 3. My youngest decided it was time when we went camping last year. His 3 older brothers all got to go to the bathroom, and he didn't get to go because he was still in a diaper so he stayed with me. He started thinking and the next weekend we got rid of the diapers and started with underpants and within 3 weeks no pull ups were allowed.

When your son is ready you will know. Maybe set up a reward system for using the potty and when he is going and doing well at reading his body institute a 'no accident' reward chart.

Good luck and trust your mommy instinct!