Desesperate New Mom Needs Advice. Please Help Me!

If you are still having depression, I suggest getting a homeopathic spray by Lifewave. It is an energy stamina spray and makes you HAPPY and full of energy. Inexpensive and works! Go to lifewave.com/kherihealth for more info.

Natalie-
I sent you a huge response to this. I only hope that it is having trouble processing it. I will be back at it tomorrow night if it does not post.
A

You're overwhelmed; who isn't with a totally dependent human being on their hands?! Perhaps you could look for a young teenager who, for payment, might be able to help you with support. Don't give up. Bearing a child isn't as difficult as raising one and sustaining a marriage. This is what it means to be a good parent and spouse.
Good luck

After 8 weeks, everyone is still adjusting and learning. Don't put blame on either one of you. Keep communication open and don'tpoint fingers at what is lacking (which is easy when you're tired)-be grateful for what you have
If possible, quit your job. Put the effort and enrgy where it is needed most, with your daughter you tried so hard to have. To turn around and leave her and go off to work, no wonder you are depressed. Yo've owrked hard at your "career" all these years, now put tin time at the most important job you'll ever have-a mother. You and get one shot and can't quit if the position doesn't work out.
Focus in on the importance of family and being a great wife and your hubby will surprise you. I suggest reading books by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, such as 10 Stupid Things Parents do to Mess up Their Kids and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. You both should read The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.
With a little one I know it's hard to find the time to read, but the benefits will be endless. Don't miss out on this special time the three of you have. I hope you do the right thing.

J

Hi N....I have 8 week old twins as of today and like you I thought I would never have them. After a few rounds of fertility treatment we were successful. But anyways...I have found that having a new baby (well two for me) has been overwhelming and exhausting. Its really difficult on you and your husband when you aren't sleeping like you should and are used to and have all the stress of a new infant. Hes probably worried about providing for you guys as well as how to take care of your new bundle. Have you tried talking to him? Maybe telling him you are a little overwhelmed and see what he has to stay about it? The most helpful thing I have found in coping with this new lifestyle is opening up to my husband more and letting him know what I am feeling and really more times than not hes feeling the same thing. Also, another thing that has helped is we try to spend some time together every night even if its just 10 minutes cuddling in bed while the babies are pacified. The first year is the hardest...you just have to get through it and believe me I have to tell myself every day that its not going to be like this forever!

Oh N.,
For a second I thought I was reading a post about myself! After having my son, who is now 3, I had a really hard time adjusting to my new role as a mother. It was difficult for me because I was constantly worried about being a good mom and I made my son my first priority. By the time my son turned one my husband was leaving for a 6 month deployment and our relationship was very quickly falling apart. About 6 weeks into the deployment the "D" word came up and I thought my life would end. However, we both took a step back and reevaluated our problems. He admitted to feeling neglected, and I admitted the same. See, I also felt he didn't help me enough and then he left and helped me even less. A few really great things came out of our time apart. We were forced to reconnect through communication, and when he came home I could actually see that he did help. He may not have been getting up in the middle of the night to feed my son, or change his diapers all the time, but he loves his son and would play with him and put him to bed. He also helped around the house like with dishes and trash. I also worked full time so any help was appreciated.
I share this with you to encourage you. I felt the same way, and you have every right to be. This is a HUGE adjustment. My suggestion to you is to be honest with your husband and communicate your needs. Explain to him what you are feeling and how you feel he can help. Also, make sure to ask him how you can be more attentive to him. He may simply feel like you don't need his help, or that you have neglected him to focus on your role as a mother more than as his wife. I was lucky to have email as my communication tool. This allowed him ample time to think and respond carefully. Perhaps you could write it down in a letter form an ask him to do the same. Sit down one night and talk it out. Nothing is going to change over night, but I have a feeling you will start to see a change. Best of luck to you!

I can’t tell you how often women complain about this very issue. You have to fully analyze the situation. You just gave birth, your hormones are unregulated and very powerful, you may be feeling insecure about your looks (may be not, but most new moms do), not sleeping, adding more responsibility to your already full work load, and transferring any attention you once gave your relationship to your daughter (only natural). Your husband – let’s say he’s a typical guy – also not getting enough sleep, feelings of abandonment, pressure of trying to be a good father, frustration with your personality change, jealous that he doesn’t have the same connection that you have with the baby, incompetent because he can’t “fix” the situation, and doesn’t know how to start communicating about it because every waking second not spent at work is spent on the baby. Here are some recommendations:

1)Are you letting him take on responsibility? Many mothers won’t even let the fathers fully care for their child without supervision because they are scared he may not be gentle enough, or thorough enough, he may not do it right. Well instead of accepting this half hearted behavior we have to offer enough trust to let them take on the responsibility of father hood and helping around the house if you are not a full time house wife. He won’t harm the baby at all. Let him handle the baby alone on a Saturday so he can bond and learn what the baby needs. You may be surprised!
2)Give yourself some time. Take naps when ever you can. Exercise during your lunch break if you can, a quick stroll does a lot. Get your hair done, your nails, if you are into that. Read, shop, sleep, what ever you want to do for yourself. Give yourself one or two Sunday’s a month.
3)Give him some time to himself if he doesn’t get any. He may want to hang out with his friends at a sports bar or golf course. Maybe sleep. Give him one or two Sunday’s a month.
4)Give each other attention, 10 minutes a night is a good start. But don’t be so scared to leave the baby with a relative or trustworthy friend and go on a date. It may be too soon now, but when you feel comfortable enough, give it a shot. Don’t forget your relationship before the baby, it still needs nurturing and always will.
5)Don’t worry so much about house work. If you can afford it, I would hire a cleaner to come every 2-3 weeks to minimize your work load. If you can’t, then split up the responsibility and compromise on how often everything has to be done. It’s really not that important in the grand scheme of things.
6)You need to open up the lines of communication, as hard as it is to start. Let him know your fears and frustrations without making it sound like it’s his fault, it’s not his fault. Men are wired different from women, they will get the job done in a different way and on their own schedule. Ask him to express his concerns and opinions, possible solutions. Let him know that you acknowledge the depth of change and difficulty your marriage is facing but that you know it’s temporary and if the both of you can pull through it, you will be happy once again.
7) Marriage is a cycle, you fall in and out of every emotion throughout. Devotion, selflessness, determination, communication, trust, and compromise are key elements to a successful marriage.

I wish you the best.

Congratulations N. on your beautiful baby girl!!! I first want to reassure you that what you are feeling is completely normal. As a fellow Mom who has experienced fertility issues I can understand the journey you've been on. I think the biggest misconception women who overcome fertility issues have is that now that our greatest dream has come true and our baby is here, everything will be perfect. What we need to realize is it okay and natural to not "enjoy" every aspect of motherhood. Motherhood is a job, a very hard & stressful job. While it is definitely rewarding & worth all the hard work, that doesn't mean that it isn't hard work.

Secondly, I can't think of a more stressful test of a marriage than parenthood. A marriage is bound to change once children are brought in. It's no longer all about the two of you. You now have another person in the relationship that now takes center stage. I would seriously question the sincerity of anyone who said the romance level did not decrease after the birth of a child. That's not to say that your intimacy level (emotionally & sexually) is diminished forever, but the birth of child is bound to have negative impact at least in the beginning. However, you will hopefully find a new level of intimacy & connection with your husband knowing that your love created your child. It will just take awhile for that to roll over into the romantic/sexual side of your relationship.

Lastly, you need to talk to your Dr. about the possiblity of suffering from postpartum depression. There is nothing wrong with taking medications for it if you need it. If not for yourself, then for your baby. She deserves to have you at the healthiest, emotionally & physically, as you can.

Again...congratulations!!!

Hello N.,
First let me say thank you for your honesty. I too, went through the same experience. I am am mental health professional and so I thought I would be able to "shake" all those feelings, emotions and thoughts away. I went back to work when my daughter was 4 months. I thought returning to work and getting back into the swing of things would "pull me out." I was wrong. It wasn't until I came to full terms with my marriage, being a bonus mom to my husband's son, and being a new mommy to our daughter while maintaining my career, did I begin to overcome the depression. I can finally say I am doing much better.
My method: find at least 2 friends to talk to. I was lucky to have good friends who held me accountable and didn;t take it personally when I wasn't being a kind friend.
I also began to exercise (even though you may not be motivated...exercising tells your body to feel good).
Since my daughter is in day care, I attend one workout class a week.
I have destressed my life: every 6 weeks I take a mental health day from work,being a wife, mother etc.. (like today..except my husband came home early). But on a weekly basis I evaluate my feelings and emotions which generally stem from a thought.
Remember: our thoughts tell our body how to feel. Our emotions tell our brain/body what to do. Whatever we do over and over becomes a habit. So,it begins with your mind/thoughts. Your husband may not be as supportive, but is this his personality or is it how you feel right now?
I know I've said alot, but please get some professional help. Postpartum is real, but can be treated. I just wish you the best and I hope you recover sooner than I did. I know it's been wordy but I hoped I helped some. God bless.

Poor thing! I feel you girl I was the same way! You might want to contact your doctor about postpardum depression it is very real...it might help to talk to someone about it and see if there is any help medicaly for you. I myself was in a bad relationship when my daughter was born and I tried my hardest to keep comunication lines open WITH OUT YELLING! I had my girl on a schedule so when Dad came home she was napping and I took off for a walk to clear my head and get out of the house a bit. It really helped. Sleep when she does! You will be surprised how much better you feel with an hour or two nap under your belt throughout the day. I also wrote a letter to my other half because I was just to emotional to talk it out with him. I kept it short and sweet and let him know that I was having a hard time and him helping me out and trying to understand would be helping our family and that I didnt mean to nag or be crule but it was hard for me as a new mom to feel like I had do it all alone. Keep your head up and the lines open, it will be ok.

Sounds like very normal postpartum adjustment for you and your marriage.

Please know that most of us go through the same feelings because adding a baby changes so much about our self-concepts, roles, and relationships. Because it is such a massive transition, it can be one of the most wonderful, empowering times of our lives as women.

I can not highly enough encourage you to seek out a support group for new moms. They are offered through many hospitals, community recreation programs, churches, yahoo groups, and La Leche League, etc. I felt like I was too exhausted and desperate to take the energy to get connected to a moms group, but the friendships I made during those months have grown into my best friendships.

Please know you are not alone. Reach out and get connected!
much aloha,
N.

my mom sent mamasource to me but she has had this kind of experience. first you should try talking to him and if that doesn't work then try counseling. he might just be having a hard time adjusting to HIS new lifestyle. give him some more time and maybe give him a little space to let him know that having a baby isnt going to ruin his life.

I too was in my 30's when I had my 2 sons 28 mo apart and worked outside the home. I hired a live-in that we trusted and sourced through family friends. This was the best thing I could do for my family at the time.
If this is not an option for you, here are a few suggestions under your circumstances.
1. DATE NIGHT is a must. Even if you cannot go out have a picnic on the floor.
2. Quietly, calmly share your needs to your husband and ask if he has any ideas on how to better balance your lives.
3. If you feel your husband is depressed, then perhaps he will get help. If not, then you go to get help, believe me you will need the support if in fact he is depressed. I have heard that depression is unresolved anger, which is unresolved hurt.
4. Sometimes, something has to give. IE: nightly homecooked meals ( you can prepare everything in one day and use a good freezer container, I use tupperware to freeze. I cook a bunch of chicken breasts some seasoned one way and the other the other way, then a couple of batches of ground beef/turkey or chicken seasoned mexican and italian. Day one, packet of frozen chicken, chop up (partially defrosted), bag of chinese/chow mein vegies and cooked rice, prep time 20 min. next day, ground beef, canned/jarred spaghetti sauce, spaghetti, salad and bread. Pre-make the salad, no cucumbers or tomatoes till day of or it'll be soggy. Day 3 fresh salmon, little olive oil, bell peppers, onion garlic and a little water, rice and fresh vegies, salad. day 4 chicken breasts, gravy, baked potatoe, vegies, salad, day five mexican tacos, no need for rice and bean, one or the other with vegies. Laundry (he can do his own and the linens too, plus yours and the baby's, it's a no brainer, clothes in, soap, softener clothes, fold, basket put away. He can even do this when he watches t.v.)
Finding balance is not always easy,although as take one moment at a time and learn to set things aside or in other words to prioritize you will find your way through this season of your life.
I pray the best for you.
N - Walnut

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It is definately an adjustment and you need to talk to your hubby. If he understands what you are going through he will help more if he is a wonderful man. It is a HUGE adjustment. I have a 2 month old little girl and I feel out of my mind sometimes. I will say this though, if you are feeling depressed you need to talk to your doc. You may be experiencing post partum depression. Baby blues are normal, but if you feel desperate as you say in your post please get help from someone. I hope you feel better soon and just remember this stage you are going through is only temporary. Hang in there mommy it will get better. : )

I didn't read through the other advise but I will say this is completely normal. What I learned is that moms and dads go through a very different learning curve. It may not be that you are necessarily (obviously don't know the situation entirely) going in different directions, but you are progressing as parents at different rates and this can be very frustrating for both parties! He may be contributing financially where as you think his focus should be more hands on. He may be feeling the "provider" pressure, where as you could be screaming inside, just HELP me. Know that the time right after having a baby (from several months to a couple years) are when partners become the least satisfied in their marriage. It is hard, but if you can weather this trying period, you can come out appreciating each other differently. This is a period of tremendous adjustment. Hang in there and know that you are definitely not alone!

Jen

Hello N.,

Congratulations!!!! I went through the samething. I read the other advices and they are all wonderful and very useful. My husband and I got into marriage counseling together and did a Couples Workshop through our insurance (Kaiser) and that was great. We are learning to communicate more. Ever since our son was born I haven't been kind to my husband as well, I just don't have the time to be nice. But the counseling is helping very much.

Another thing that I did which helped me so much was I joined my local MOMS Club. I live in Cypress and I know they have several Irvine Chapters. You can email me and I'll get you information if you are interested. Or visit www.momsclub.com that is the International website and can direct to the closes Irvinve chapter to you.

They got me out of the house and able to have adult conversations while the children played. Or I nursed or held my son. It is a wonderful organization.

Best of Luck and don't worry it does get easier. Just enjoy every second with you wonderful new bundle of joy. Because it really is joyous!

M.
Mom to Dean

Hi N.,
First of all, congrats on your new baby girl! I am in a similar situation with a 7 week baby boy and I too felt a bit depressed and distant from my husband who comes home late from work, but is a wonderful man. I think that our bodies go through so many hormonal changes that we experience so many feelings as we readjust. This can make us feel alone and distant from our partners or anyone. You have been through alot and it seems that you work full-time also, so this has to add extra strain; juggling a new baby, a husband and a household. I just want you to know that you are not alone. My Mother moved in with us to help us care for our baby and this did not help our romance at all. I had a talk with my husband and he said he was just giving me space. We made it a point to go out for a romantic dinner & get a room at a hotel if necessary while leaving the baby at home with my Mother. Granted, we've only been able to do this once so far, but it has helped us become closer again & since then my husband has started participating more in caring for our baby, i.e. getting up at night to burp him, etc. Anyway, I hope that you and your husband will be able to get away for a little while to rekindle the romance. Especially while love is still in the air after Valentine's Day!!! ;)
Wishing you the best and letting you know that your are not alone! Things will get better ;)
W.

Hey N.,
You are not alone.
I felt the same way when my son was born after doing fertility treatments. To avoid it spiralling out of my control i spoke with my obgyn who prescribed me some antidepressants (the one you can take while nursing). That helped a lot and i only needed them about 2 or 3 months. Since then I find that it does still happen that I feel my husband does not contribute as much as I woudl like or care in the same way about the baby's routine and littlel things as I do, but i put it down to gender stuff and being two different people. I found that after a year things got better between us but the first while was tough adapting to being a mom and not having my husband as the center of my world. The nice part is I cared less about our differences/distance becasue I had the joy that my baby brings me every day. Eventually we were able to discuss it and find ways to make it work better together, but its still a process. I cant offer advice, as no one can, but all i can say is if you feel you need them, take the drugs and relax a bit with whatever is going on, it will change eventually and just take care of yourself in the meantime - get a sitter if you can and gto out together or with girlfriends once a week or a month to reconnect with yourself. You are going through a huge life change and it only gets better!

Well marriage is like any relationship. We experience miscommunication, sometimes different priorities, and just aren't always able to be on the same page. Even if we are compatible, we never are a perfect match. So add hormonal fluctuations like yours right now, it's normal to feel distant. Just hang in there. The Lord is the healer and if you pray, He will refresh your heart. Trust me, I know from experience. I have struggled with post partum depression. It reflects most in our close relationships! That's where we feel safest to show our uglies.

Hi N.,

My husband and I were always extremely close, we were best friends before anything. We have a 3 month old daughter and I believe that I am experiencing little bouts of what you are going through. It is not all the time that I feel depressed, but I have my moods that I go through. It was real tough after she was born, i would say the first few weeks. I felt so distant from him, yet we were sleeping right next to eachother.
It's hard when we have those arguments about how we dont have enough "us" time and how he's always tired even tho i'm waking up with our daughter. He works very hard and is excellent with our daughter.But a lot of times we have different views. For example, her crying..if its for nothing, he will just let her cry. I on the other hand cant do that. I feel like I want to comfort her. I wont pick her up all the time but ill go next to her skin to skin an talk an rub her belly an she calms down. ANyways, what im trying to say is that i relate. And the best thing I do is be straight up with my husband. And keep on it. You two just have to learn the adjustment (we are still learning too lol). But I also snap more easily at him whereas before, I would just laugh or walk away.
I am not sure if it'll ever go away, but it does lighten up. Hope this helps.
-A.

Maybe on a weekend you can sit down with your husband and ask for his 'advice' on how to help your schedule work better.... maybe he will brain storm with you.

Tell him when it is the hardest....

One idea I like is a 'mother's helper'. For a very small fee you hire a local fourteen year old to come in a couple of hours here or there. For those hours you can do housework and cooking and some resting... take a bubble bath, make a phone call.... an extra set of hands and energy to tackle things.

A lot of dad's get better when babies are two or three and they tickle and roll the ball to the baby.

I have been there before N. and all I can say is, sit down with your hubby as soon as you can and talk to him before you grow too far apart. When my oldest was born, I experienced the same thing and my husband and I worked it out...he soon became the sole person giving her a bath and getting her pj's on, etc. That allowed me time alone in the evening which I could count on to do laundry, take a short walk, read a chapter of my favorite book, etc. It wasn't a lot of time but it was enough and it gave him a chance to have some one on one time with her and me a chance to take a breather. We now have three daughters and we have done the same thing with each one. I hope this helped a little...take care, you will get through this!

K. U.

keep in mind that there is a difference between "baby blues" and post partum depression.

what are you eating and sleeping patterns? are you angry, upset, or anxious all the time? are you easily irritable? have you ever had thoughts of hurting yourself, the baby or your husband? these are all important things to look at and can be easily overlooked.

I commend you for reaching out. It's not easy adjusting to a change as big as a new baby. Your husband is also adjusting as well. The thing is, men and women adjust differently and cope differently. Your husband may be doing all that he thing he should be doing to provide for his wife and new baby. The things is, you might appreciate it more if he put his efforts in different areas.

Figure out if what you're going through is the normal baby blues or is it something more serious like post partum depression that needs medication and therapy. Then discuss with your husband what your goals are and what his goals are for your family. Talk about the expectations that you have for each other. And understand that there is more than one way to get to a destination. You might be on the same road, but in different cars, and that's okay.

Hi N.,

Wow, this sounds like me awhile ago. Being mom surely is a full time job. Having to work full time ontop of taking care of the baby where is the room for your husband? It is and adjustment for everyone but I can tell you from experience is that, the only way to get his attention is to be sweet and loving. If he is a good man he will definitely cross the mountain to bring you lemonate. Don't over work yourself soon enough the only God's given pleasure as a husband and wife will be gone as well, you know what I mean. You don't want to raise your child by yourself do you? Men like sweet. So, sugar code him and he will do any thing to help with out you even asking. Be a wife that you would like to come home to. Nagging will never works it will only set you both more appart. It is hard just hang in there, it will get easier. It would be much better if you can be a staying home mom.

Take care,
May God bless you and your family.

Babies change everything. You and your husband need to rediscover yourselves and your relationship now that you have an addition to the family. It may take time and it may be that you are both experiencing serious sleep deprivation. Be patient and open.

Yes I felt the same way! I also became a new mom at 37. Having a baby depending on you after being independent for so long takes getting used to but you have to realize that it does get better and unfortunately your baby will rely on you more than the dad for a while. Hopefully your husband helps now and then with such things as feeding, changing diapers, cleaning and cooking. When you're baby is asleep try and talk to friends and also talk to your husband about how you feel. This is new to him too and is unsure about his role. Life has changed for me and my husband and finding time alone together has been almost impossible but we love our daughter immensely and I can't imagine a life without her. Hang in there! You have your daughter's smile to look forward to in a couple of months or less!

N...first off, Congrats! What a wonderful blessing to have a child, and by God's grace it seems.
I completely understand your situation..Lots of change for you in the past 8 weeks. I don't know how long you've been married, but you need to talk to your husband! Tell him what's going on with you. If your pray, also, pray for this situation too. God seems to work out things like this to help us and our family too.
I have never worked fulltime with my kids, but I think most mom's go thru this stage of frustration.
And, think about this...your 37 and had your first baby ( a brand new relationship ) just 8 weeks ago! Give yourself a break!!
I hope I helped a little.
God bless you,
M.

Adjusting to becoming a new mom isn't easy. It isn't easy for your hubby to adjust to having to share you either. Moms have an inside pull to care for their babies. A mom can almost feel when the baby needs her. Dads don't have the same strong connection (usually) and don't understand what it means to "help more" when it comes to infants. Unfortunately we can't change our men to make them be more helpful in the nurturing area. We can ask, nag, beg ... but it just results in making more tension. Try giving him a specific suggestion on how to help rather than just saying he needs to help you. Maybe he just has no idea where to start. You're baby needs you, but don't forget about your sweetheart. A strong marriage is actually looking out for your baby as well. Good luck & God bless!
~J. (wife, friend, full-time teacher, and mother of two preschool age boys)

Oh N.,
I feel for you. Please, right now, leave this site and go to amazon.com. Search books for "The First Six Months",by Penelope Leach, the best baby book in the world, for moms. It's been out of print for years, but there are several used copies on Amazon, for almost no money. After you read the book, have your husband read it! It will put all these things into perspective for you. And in addition to Penelope's wonderful book, remember that you are her mother, she's only lived 8 weeks outside of you, and she needs you more than anyone else in your life right now. However, it's h*** o* the fathers. They marry us because we nurture them, then all of a sudden, they need to become the adult in our eyes, as we spend so much time with (and correctly so) tending to every need of our baby. But we can't forget about how much our husbands also need to know that they're still loved and appreciated. So try to forgive him, for not helping so much. I'm sure there's a reason for this, and and appreciate him for working such long hours. That's one huge way that he's being supportive of you! Now go order that book!

I am a 32 year old mom, with a 2 year old girl, I have to do everything. The father thinks it's the moms responsibility to get her ready for bed, school and dinner. He will come around it just takes time. When you feed your baby let the father feed her so they can bond.

Hello N.,
I just want to let you know I went through the same thing. I don't know necessarily if it's depression or just our hormones being crazy, but in any case, you are not alone! When my son was 3 weeks old, my husband went out of town and I had my girlfriend spend the weekend with me so I wouldn't be alone, and I realized how much my husband really did do for me. He got me water everytime I needed it, he would let me take a nap if I needed it. I realized this because I felt uncomfortable asking my friend to grab me some water, or to watch my son so I could take a nap. One thing I do have to say is that I had to tell my husband what to do, not wait for him to know what I needed. So don't expect your husband to know what you need, just tell him. Also, he(your husband) is still feeling it out too, parenting doesn't come as easily to men as it does women. Lastly, put some effort into your man. You may already have been doing this, but my husband told me that he felt left out and not as needed by me. at 8 weeks, your baby can handle a babysitter for you two to have a date night. one thing that saved our marriage that first year with a newborn was date nights. we had one about once a month and it was amazing. Just remember too that your husband comes before your baby. if it wasn't for your man you wouldn't have the baby! Hope this helps and when your hubby comes home today give him a big fat kiss and tell him how much he means to you.

While having a baby is one of the biggest joys in your life, it is probably the biggest adjustment that a person has to go through, ever. Your world is turned upside down. It is also very difficult to return to work after this life-changing experience, because work is the same, but somehow you are not and your priorities are not there anymore. Please talk openly with your husband and seek help from your OB. Many, many moms go through these same feelings. Don't discount the fact that your body and your hormones are going through some pretty crazy stuff right now, too. I don't think I can tell you that you will ever feel like the "old you" again, but I know that having a child makes you a deeper person, and you will grow in all of your relationships. Good luck and God Bless you and your family.

You are definitely not alone. Get help, hire someone even if it is just once a month and go do something you enjoy, but be open with your husband, tell him you understand he works long hours and is tired when he gets home but maybe you guys can work out a one day a week where you can just go take a bath, listen to some music, read a book for 30 minutes. And maybe ask him for a once a month date night, so you guys don't forget about your relationship, which is important and easily lost when trying to adjust to the new lifestyle.

Your husband is probably feeling left out and unappreciated.
When my kids were babies, I didn't make my husband get up during the night because he needed his sleep so he could go to work. I asked for more help on weekends or when he had time off.
I also worked very hard to spend time just with him and show appreciation for the things he did do. That way, he felt appreciated and loved. Our relationship would remain strong.We also worked very h*** o* keeping our communication lines open. That way when I did need more support, I felt that I could tell him and he would listen.
I know that you're relieved that you finally were able to have your miracle, but the best thing that you can give your daughter is a good , healthy relationship with her father. She will get more security from that than from most anything else.
Sit down with your husband and listen to each other. Try to understand each others points of view without judging. If this doesn't work go see a counselor so you can remember how to talk to and appreciate each other again.
You need to take time for each other, so that your daughter will have what she needs.

Wow! It is really great that there has been such an abundant amount of response! I had some PPD with my second son. My doctor perscribed Zoloft. It has been an amazing help. I have two sons. We own our own buisness and my husband handles most of it. I had very very overwehlming feelings in the beginning. It is ok to need and get help. Maybe just talking your feelings out with your hubby on a weekend or a time that you are both feeling in a good mood will be good. People are more responsive when their gaurd isn't up. Communication is key. Your hubby may not even know how you are feeling... For me, talking about your feelings and letting him know you need a little extra help will be key to figuring out your new family situation.

It is so hard!! I feel like there is so much discussion and preparation for the actual pregnancy and delivery day but not much information about what to expect once you bring baby home, what to expect your body to look and feel like and the emotional rollercoaster that ensues. It really is a struggle in the beginning especially with you both working and it becomes really easy to be resentful. I think the best you can do is talk about it and be as open as you can with your husband. Know that after about 3 or 4 months it gets easier, but then really tell him how you feel even if you need to apologize in advance telling him that what you're about to say may sound crazy but you just need to get it out and to be heard. Your hormones are a jumble, things are still out of whack but ask him to hang on and support you through it. It is scary because it feels like it will last forever or maybe this is just the way you are now, "the new you"...but it's not. Believe me, it will get better.

Hi N.:
I too remember feeling the same way with my first baby. It's a miraculous gift and at the same time a very isolating and tough time. I found that getting out and doing healthy things for myself made a huge difference in who I was at home. I also felt like when I got some exercise, my perspective changed for the better. I could handle things better...I was a better wife, mother and ME. Give a group called Stroller Strides a try, you will be with other mothers getting a wonderful workout for yourself with your baby along for the ride. It could make a BIG difference in how you feel! www.strollerstrides.com

Oh, and lastly, keep breathing...this too shall pass : )

F.

N.,
Yes, my husband had to work hard at getting our "own" time to talk like we used to. Kids really do change your life. But try not to let it depress you. It's normal to feel depressed and alone. Men tend not to "vent" like we do but he's probably feeling it too. Just do your part to try to make some alone time for the two of you when possible. Plan an outing to get away (get a sitter) do dinner, even that little bit helps. Make sure you talk it over with him. He may be relieved not to be alone as well.

My man works more than ever now, the kids are eating more, there are so many toys he wants to get, so he works 6 days a week to keep up. I do my part, working part time and trying to get them to pay me what I'm worth, even looking to change jobs for a higher paying one, but my kids are old enough to handle the house alone now. I just don't want them to always be alone, I like being a part of their lives and to let them know we aren't ignoring them either.

I've been feeling another change over the last year or so, I'm feeling older and less active, and now that my kids are both in high school they are getting more and more independant, we have less in common (when they were little I used to do everything with them, arts, crafts, playing with them and their kids, going to the park, etc... which was fun) they are focused on their friends and going to the mall now, a movie, or hanging out online, which doesn't include me, nor do I really want to do that. I get pushed aside, or I have less interest in playing video games than they do, push them aside. So I do my own thing and sometimes feel very alone. My man is tired when he gets home, and I usually work the night shift (closing retail until 10 or so) He's in bed by 9, gets up at 3:30, leaves at 4:30 and isn't home until I'm at work by about 6pm. So it feels like we are all living here doing our own thing. I get very lonely.
But I write him notes on his email I know he checks. Or I leave him love notes on the counter telling him whats up. I help him plan the boy scout outings, keep him organized with troop tour permits, and it's something we do together although we are not always together when doing it. It feels like we are. And he appreciates my help, he's told me now and then. It's my way of feeling like we are together when we are apart.
My son goes Eagle this year. My husband is the outing's chairman, and I am the troop scoop editor, web site editor, and secretary. We go to the committee meetings together once every other month. IT's funny, sometimes we catch up on things there and others look at us like we're crazy not knowing what the other has been doing all week.
But one day my kids will move out, we'll see them less and less, as they get their own families... and it will be just "us" again. I look forward to that but am in no hurry. I'm sure we'll have more fun times ahead. Things didn't turn out like we had planned before kids but you can't predict the future, just try to do the best you can. We (and by that I mean, "I") used to have visuals of us doing "family times" camping, hiking, backpacking together. And at first it started out that way. But the kids were too young ot hike as far as us or carry their own stuff. Now that they are big enough they are lazy. ;) So that vision didn't pan out, but they are so much more than I had ever expected. They are both really really smart (from their dad I expect) and so interesting. Every day is a new challenge as to how to teach them life's ups and downs, without getting too much in their space. I am the "cool" mom, but what they dont' know is that I am still watching their every move and keeping tabs on them in my own way. They have Myspace, and I am on their friend's list. I see their bulletins, and comments, and I like it that way. They can't have friends they don't know in person, just school friends. I explain everything to them. Probably more than they want to know, but it works. They dont' do drugs, and think it's stupid. They don't smoke. They know all about peer pressure, etc...etc...etc...

So anyway...just relax and plan your life with your kid (s) and hubby and take every day as it comes. Be creative. Keep it interesting. I used to take movie camera videos of my kids playing as toddlers and I look back now and just love to watch it. They think it's funny and don't remember any of it. I just laugh my head off. They were so cute! I keep telling them, What happened? hahahah My family(sisters) used to tell me "You have too much time on your hands" but it was when they were napping that I'd get bored and need something more. So I'd whip out the camera and start making strange videos. I used toilet paper once to do a dance. You take many still vedio clip photos moving them a little each time then the end product looks like they are moving on their own! It was funny! And I loved sharing the "before" and "after" pictures of my housecleaning so my hubby would know what it was I did all day. Proof! And fun! I even added a little "tinkle tinkle" between so it looked like magic. It wasn't though, I actually did all the work, and it got me through it better. Now I just use my MP3 do dance and sing to while working, it keeps me going. Then I sit and play after the house is clean. That's on a good day that is. Other days I am lazy. That's ok too. We dont' always have to work. He gets the weekends off, I don't, I always have house work to do. So some days i just don't do any just because. It's my day off.

Sorry I'm rambling, I had coffee. This is my morning time alone while they are at school and it's one way I get out my "lonely" feelings so I can move on to do my housework and get ready for work.

You are not alone. And that is a blessing to know right there. What a relief huh? We all go through the same things. Sometimes people forget to mention how difficult life can be. Just knowing we aren't alone is a big relief.
Enjoy every minute with your new one. I did with mine and still do. Soak it in while you can. ;)
Love to all of you!
PS) My husband hardly ever changed a diaper, and I remember yelling at him in the middle of the night to "Please get up and take the baby before I throw him/her up against the wall" I never would have done that, but that was how tired I was of trying to calm the baby down when I really needed more sleep myself. He didn't get the hint when I was huffing and puffing around. He was a heavy sleeper, still is, so I had to actually yell before he'd move to help me. Or so I thought.

They were tough times, but he got the picture and got up. Men don't take hints well. Be sure to let him know when you need help. Try calmly at first. You do need a break now and then. Don't kid yourself! :) We are only super moms to a point then we explode! hahahah tell him that. ;)

Hi! Usually at this time postpartum kicks in and lasts at least 3 mo.and for some even longer at least it did for me and I felt the same way you do but there is a consolation "This too shall pass like labor pains". It is a tough adjustment for the father to, maybe he too has some fears about things, like holding someone so tiny being men are masculine and maybe wondering if he will be 2nd in your life now, because of so many demands the baby has but I would say this will pass as your little one grows and you both will enjoy watching all the new things the baby learns. Remember the dishes are not going anywhere as is anything else ,you waited so long, live for the moment and enjoy every minuet of both your husband and the baby.Congrats! Theres nothing more impotent then being a good mother and bringing up a well rounded child. God bless.

My sister experienced the same thing. Don't be afraid to take some medication. You don't have to take it for long. It really helped my sister. It seems like it is harder for the men to adjust to a new life with a baby. My husband tried to pull that at first, but quickly changed after I left him with our baby for a couple of hours. He realized that it is not a piece of cake. The first 3 months are crazy, but I promise it gets soooo much easier. My baby is almost 7 months now. It took about 4-5 months for my husband to really step up and help as much as I needed. Make sure you communicate. I would just tell my husband I really needed a break or I was going to go crazy. I would pump some breast milk for him and either go to the bedroom or leave for an hour. Even just 20 minutes would help me. It took longer for my husband to bond with our son. He is now the proudest daddy around. He loves it when I ask him to watch him for a minute. Things will get better. Just hang in there. I'm so sorry about your fertility problems. I have friends going through that right now. Your angel is finally here and you are a wonderful momma. Daddy will get the hang of it. Men fight for their freedom. But they can fight all they want, we still need them.

first of all congratulations on your baby girl!
All that you are feeling is normal. Being a mom for the first time is a CRAZY adjustment. ANd the most annoying thing is that usually Dad's life doesn't change all that much. It is easy to feel resentful of the fact that they still sleep, and I know my husband leaves the baby stuff to me. I finally learned that you need to ask for help. They are just clueless and think every thing is just dandy unless you tell them otherwise. The most important thing is to ask when you are not mad. One morning (even though I wanted to throw things at my husband who just rolled out of bed while I nursed a baby and got two kids ready for school) I just said, you know, honey, I think I may need a little help in the morning until I get this figured out. And what do you know, he gets up earlier and helps.
It is normal to be feeling blue, it will pass. Do something good for you. good luck, and ask for help! A.

Dear N.,

I am 37 and happy working mom (60 hours + travel) for a money management firm in Newport Beach. My son is 27 month and second baby on the way; I totally understand your situation. I exprianced the same and I would like to share my experiance and hope you can find hope and partly solution to your situation.

My solution was to get more reliable help since I don’t have family around. When you decide that you work, you have to decide on how much of the additional work you want to do yourself on top of your paying job.

A baby is not one job if you hire people to take care of the most precious you have; it comes to three 8 hour jobs. Only a mother can be expected to do a 24/7 job, and the household.

That was very hard for me and my husband to accept, especially financially, but it's in addition to your job where you get the pay check. I did a lot of research and was concerned that my son would miss out on something if I wouldn’t be around him all the time, but he is just as happy as he can be. I actually think he is better of having every 8 hours someone who is fresh and happy “on the job” instead of a overtired mom trying to do it all. It might be taught on you not spending so much time with your baby, but you can make your time together very special and rewarding for both of you.

And the pay of comes later if you are not forced to give up your career, and keep the cash flow coming for a nice live style. My husband and I decided to go with only one additional job for our self (we picked the night shift :-) and outsourced the other two shifts 6am-2pm and 1pm-8 pm. We decided to have two Professional Au Pairs with Child related degrees, one is Baby nurse and one is a Kindergarten teacher. They also help with light housekeeping and cook dinner when the baby sleeps, do the grocery shopping, ect.

But this is the only way that I keep my sanity and enjoy the time at home with the baby and with my husband; we can spend as much time as we want with the baby, but we don't have to if we need a break. We really can spend quality time together.

We choose to go with educated Au Pairs because they are not as expensive as local help ($10/hour instead of local rate) and mostly much more flexible to our life style and also educated. They are happy to go on a business trip with me and take care of the baby, on a long skiing weekend, or on a vacation, were a local Nanny would have her one social live to take care of.

The trade of I guess is that it’s a lot of work to find the right people and your Au Pair changes every year or two, but we decided we as the parents are the stable part, and as long as the new girls are happy and love to take care of our son, he will be happy too 

We just finished our second year with this approach and I can report evertything runs much smoother!
I am happy to share more about my experiance with you if you like.

Good luck, and I hope this helps you a bit.

All the best,
S.

Dear N.,
You are going through such an overwhelming thing right now with being a new Mom. First, congratulations on your precious new baby girl and I know from having a little girl how sweet it is yet at the same time I understand about having depression and the hormones changing and mood swings. You might be experiencing Post partum depression and it's completely normal and getting enough sleep is your best advocate. You should talk to your OB GYN about your fluctuating hormone levels and if you are overwhelmed your doctor might suggest taking an anti-depressant to help stabilize your emotions until everything (hormones) get back into check. My Mom had 10 children and I would cry over lack of sleep. She said, "sleep when the baby sleeps". Try to get as much needed sleep as much as you can or else your going to get sick as well. My uncle is a MD and he says, "sleep is medicine and God restores you in your sleep". Be gentle with yourself and call friends and family for extra support and don't resent your husband, it's the hormones, trust me!

You are so smart to reach out for help!! Talk to your doctor. He/She can help figure out what is going on. Maybe you need to talk to someone outside of the family just to vent your very normal frustrations.
Hire help if you can. If not ask other moms or the grandparents for help. Everybody loves to cuddle a new baby! You don't have to leave the house. You could take a nap, or go for a walk-anything that makes you feel better.

Remember that just because you worked so hard to get your daughter does not make the everyday bits of motherhood a cake walk.

I am a 55 year old mom and grandmother of six. I had my last child when I was 24. My oldest daughter is 38 and a mother of a 6 year old and a 3 year old. Thankfully she doesn't have to work fulltime but is now starting her own business to help bring in extra money. She also had fertility issues so both of her children are indeed miracles. She also tires very easily and gets irritated with these blessings far more than she would like... her husband works 12 hour shifts but many a night he comes home and takes over with baths and getting the children to bed as my daughter can be at the end of her rope and energy. I encourage her and you to realize that late 30 year olds do not have the energy that 20 year olds have... so don't feel guilty or worry so much about keeping the house spotless, being the gourmet cook or having the kids in clean clothes with perfectly groomed hair all the time. None of that is as important as enjoying your children and your time with them and your husband. Since both you and your husband work you have a bit more to work around.

Sit down with your husband when both of you are rested and have some time off together. Talk about how you feel without getting on his case... but do ask for his help and assure him that you want him just as invovled with your daughter as he is her dad and needs him just as much as she needs you. He may not feel that he's needed possibly or even being a new dad may not even know what he's supposed to do! Depression is normal but if it goes on too long see your doctor for some temporary help. Having to go back to work, dealing with a new baby, lack of sleep, needing more energy to care for another person, all of that takes its toll and can very much contribute to depression. Talk about all of this with your husband, ask him how he is feeling as a new dad, his worries, concerns, etc., and then both of you work out a way to support each other that works with both of your energy levels and work hours. Since he gets home later than you he may only be able to give you some time off on the weekends... of course, if you are having an especially bad day then work out a way to let him know so he doesn't feel like the one at fault but rather the one needed to step into the gap even if he's the one working later. You both need to be a team for this precious daughter and you both need each other's support.... so talk, talk, talk, clarify, clarify, clarify, be patient and loving with each other...it takes time and alot of work but your marriage and your daughter are worth it!

Oh, yeah! We spent a lot of time talking and trying to figure out if we were meant to be together after our first child was born. You have to remember that up until the birth of your child he was the center of your world, according to him. They also aren't sure what their role is and what exactly they are suppose to do. I would often take over when he was feeding or changing the baby because I wanted it done a certain way or she would cry, but I had to let go and let him do it the only way he knew how and let it go. I learned to pick my battles and remind him that our daughter was an extension of us and not replacing him. We did go to some to groups therapy and my husband did suffer from a little post partum depression too and was on an anti-depressant for a short time. Best of Luck and hang in there.

I have had 6 pregnencies and only have one child so I can relate to you on that one! I too was depressed after my son was born but only for a couple of weeks. So please if you are still depressed GET HELP! You owe it to your little angel. She needs a healthy mommie. I breast fed so I did't get much help from dad either. It was very hard but time goes by so fast. My son is almost 4!I found it takes some time for men to grow attached to the baby. They don't feel that closeness for the baby like we do. It took awhile before my husband started to bond with our son. So with all these changes your husband might be pulling away a bit and using work as an excuse. The most important thing between you two need now is communication! Remember he's probably bummed out he isn't #1 anymore and trying to figure where he fits in right now.Remember to enjoy every minute and know that it will not be this way forever. I used to sit and cry in frustration. Now I look back and think, "Where did the time go?". Before you know it your baby will be walking and talking!

I have been there and done that, and for what it is woth, what you are going thru is soooo normal, you are changing roles, you are going from single to being a wife to being a mother, it takes adjusting to, it takes time and understanding and effort, emmerse yourself in the awesommeness of it all, and take each day at a time, learn from each other, how each other is feeling about this change,and realize it is not just you going thru this change, but your husband,too! Also, remember, your husband has had to take a back seat in your life, since the baby, he needs time to adjust,as well! If there is LOVE, you will make it!!!!

N.-

I think what your family is going through is very typical and normal. I think that adjusting to new life as a mother is extremely challenging.

I don't know exactly what feelings you are having, but I'll tell you about what I went through. Before my baby was born, I didn't realize how much I identified myself with what I did and how other people saw me. I earned money, I was a graduate student in a top biology PHD program, I performed in a dance troupe, I had many friends, and I was a loving wife. I knew that I was doing a good job because I got a lot of external validation. After our baby came, it seemed that all I did was take care of her. No one else could see what I was doing and tell me what I good job I was doing. The only feedback I got was from her and any "success" that I had only lasted a few moments and was followed by her needing something new from me. There was no time to step back and say "There...that job is done and I did it well." Before she was born, I had no idea how much I depended on that. Also, I had a real identity crisis. I didn't know who/what I was anymore. Not a wage earner, a student, or a performer. I rarely saw my friends anymore and it almost seemed that I wasn't a loving wife anymore either. It took a long time to change my perception of myself into something new that I felt comfortable with. So if that is at all similar to what you are feeling... please be patient with youself and have faith that it will work itself out in time. Try not to get isolated and give yourself a pat on the back occasionally.

Your husband is probably also having a difficult time adjusting. Remember that you guys are on the same team and not in competition with each other over who is a more helpful/loving/devoted/sacrificing/etc. parent/partner. Every woman I know was dissapointed in how her husband parented and partnered during the adjustment period (which can last a long time for some families). I think it is worth having conversations or making gestures that show acceptance of his efforts to adjust and that you are both working together (although maybe in your own ways) toward common goals for your family. (Also remember that most men don't have very good models for parenting, don't get much societal praise for being good parents, and don't get the huge weight of pressure from every quarter that if they aren't perfect than they aren't good dads. In my opinion, women are the only ones who feel the pressure of "failure" when we end up being human rahter than perfect.)

Anyway, I recommend Vicki Iovine's book "Girlfriend's Guide to the First Year." It will make you laugh about all of the trials that the first year can bring, remind you that other women have felt that same way, and that you are in good company.

Best Wishes.

I think dads can feel a little left out in the care of a newborn, hence, he stays late at work to make himslef useful. First, make sure he's not having money stress over paying for a newborn. Then give him a responsibility with the baby...pehaps he need to be home at a certain time to rock her to sleep before bed at night. Then take that time to read a magazine or book and relax. Don't coach him...just put them together in a room, you in another room, and let them have space and be together. If the baby cries and he feel frustarted like he can't do it just remind him that she cries on your shift ALL THE TIME, and that he's doing a great job.

N.,

I can totally understand your position having once been there myself. My husband had no clue how overwhelmed I was when our son was born. I also work full time so when I went back to work it seemed as if there were not enough minutes in the day to do all of the things I always did plus all of the baby stuff on top. Like you I was irritable and unkind because I felt like he didn't want to help. I finally had a talk with my husband and we arranged a daily household duty (chore)schedule that has really helped. Turns out he had no idea what I needed him to do and once I explained it... life has been much easier. Hope this helps.

Yes i know just what you are going thru, i was in the same situation we weren't planning and it happend and he was here, a blessing.I think the thing to to is communicate, it doesent matter what it is you are thinking you need to let him know how you are feeling, this is something we have never done, and so my child is now 4 and my husband and i are so far apart.Why am i giving you this advice and do not apply it to our situation? My husband gets defensive when i bring something up he thinks i am crtisizing him,and so then it turs into an argument.When my child was just a baby i had no help at all as i have no family where i live ,he was my only source,my child never took long naps and cried almost constant,and always wanted mommy.As he grew into a toddler it got worst my child wanted me beside hime constant,iwould play with him and then try to take a little break to do something ,like be on the computer , or start to knit,cleaning,etc, my child would start saying.. mamma i want you, and so i could never get anything done.He is now in pre school he has a better understanding of what goes on in his surroundings and as much as i do not whant to think that the situation whith dad and mom does not affect him it does, we are not affectionat toward each other(Mom & Dad ), althoug we do group hugs and kisses. My friend I can go on but you need to communicate.

Wow! Everyone is being really nice. It sounds like you might need to evaluate this incredible shift in your priorities and quit "working" and take on your job as a mom. I was a successful business woman for 5 years and after my second child, realized nothing is more important than cherishing these few precious years when they are so small and need you. It not only changed my relationship with my children but made me kinder to my husband whom I was now able to respect for being the man he is -- providing and taking care of his family!!! Much easier to be nice (and sleep with) your man when you really love and respect him for what he IS doing for you. Completely. Embrace the gift.

Hi N.- the biggest realization I had right after I had my daughter (now 8 months) was how heavily all the responsibility falls on the mother. I was acutely aware of how different our experiences were- For example, I found myself being resentful that he could just hop in the shower whenever while I had to arrange childcare to do something as simple as that. He had the freedom to say he was going somewhere at anytime, while I had to check with him if he could watch her, for how long etc. And if we went anywhere together, there was no question who was responsible for figuring out what to bring for the baby and all that. I really felt underappreciated, like he could just skate through and enjoy the baby while I did all the hard stuff! It is an adjustment period- you'll get through it. You both have new roles now and as you begin to understand eachothers role in the new family, the appreciation will grow and you will feel more like a team again. I had to realize that he supports the family in a different way. It is such a unique experience being a mom, I don't think we can ever expect our husbands to truly understand it.

Dear friend:

You are not the only one feeling this way. My suggestion to you is to make time for yourself (every week), if you have relatives near by ask them to take care of your baby for a couple of hours. Believe me when I say "YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE" feeling this way. I am the mother of four children, and I do understand how you feel.

As your child get older, things will get easier. ALso consult with a doctor so see if you really suffer from depression, if could be a serious problem..

GOOD LUCK TO YOU

PLEASE MAKE TIME EVERY DAY FOR YOURSELF, EVEN AN HOUR WILL HELP YOU.

N.,

It is completely normal feeling the way you do. You've just had a baby and it makes a woman's hormones go haywire.
You are just feeling overwhelmed taking care of a newborn.
Sit down with your husband and talk to him and let him know how your feeling. He probably feeling a bit ignored because your spending so much time with baby.

Communication is the key. I'm sure he doesn't realize how your feeling.

I hope you feel better!

Hi N.,

Hang in there! The transition can be so tough. Give yourself & your husband a break. You don't have to be everything, especially not right now. There is plenty of stumbling until you work out a good rhythm for your family. Tell your husband what your new needs are from him & ask him what he needs now. Take turns with a little free time...even if is a walk around the block on your own. Say something nice to him every night before you go to bed even if it has been a crazy day.

Just know that it will not always be this way. This part goes by so very fast. Try to focus more on being present & enjoying it rather than getting it perfect.

Take a big breath Mama & let the dust bunnies fly!

Absolutely! How your feeling is very normal. Your working, probably not sleeping and your hormones are still a little out of wack! If your nursing your husband may feel kind of "useless" anyway. Maybe you could suggest he bath the baby for quality time or have him establish somekind of routine w/baby.
The first few months are very rough. Let your husband know you need him. Having a baby is huge and he's probably a little worried about his new responsiblities as well. (Baby and financially to your family.) Good luck! It gets easier!

Wow! Yes, My husband and I are still going through this. I am a stay at home mom right now, and he works more than full time. He sometimes forgets how much work a baby is. He likes to come home and sit in front of the tv, which we are trying not to let the baby watch... What I have to do is ask him to take our 11 month old, alone, for an hour or 3 a week. What you might do is Ask that he take over bathtime or bedtime every night, or something like that, and then, walk away. Keep an ear on him, but let him do it his way. Their way is different, but not always bad. just make sure he knows how to bath the baby before you leave him alone. Also, if he asks for help, tell him what works for you, but don't take over and push him out. otherwise, you will end up doing everything always, which is not fun.

N.,
You sound like a very nice and NORMAL person! The advise about hiring help and date nights is stellar! these really worked for us. If you can, join a local mom's club. you will find friends who will be in your same situation and it really helps to feel like you are not alone. Plus, maybe you two can exchange baby sitting..even if it is only her watching yours while you take a long bath :-)
Congratulations! You are a great mom!

You are not alone. I went thru the exact same thing when I had my daughter. From what I've heard form other friends, this is completely normal. You are sleep deprived, hormonally challenged, and trying to adapt to a whole new way of life. It is very normal to be short tempered and overwhelmed.
One word of advise, if these feelings continue please go see your doctor. My symptoms lasted (and got worse) for a year before I did anything about it. When I finally got medication I realized just how messed up I was. Don't let yourself suffer for that long.

It's only been 8 weeks, you are still adjusting. And very soon, your baby will get easier and you will feel more confident taking her places, going out, etc. Make sure that you do things to get you out of the house (a walk, lunch, ice cream) so that you are happier. I also remember getting up and showering and putting on some "real" clothes helped raise my spirits and motivate me. I hope this helps!!

Natalie,
I had my baby 13 months ago and still go through this once in a while. First, having a baby does change everything in a mom's life, so it's okay to feel overwhelmed. You need to talk with your husband. Try talking to him instead of not being kind, I bet he will be more understanding. When I blew up @ my husband he told me that he didn't realize how much I was going through. Above all look to God, He never gives us more then what we can handle.

Congrats on your child, I went through the same thing with the fertility... Read Dr. Laura Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands and Proper Care & Feeding of Marriages. You can take bits & pieces of what you agree w/her, but they REALLY help things. Also show you his perspective... go to the library or use amazon used books. Good luck, it will get easier as she gets older and is sleeping better...

Hi N.,

I did invitro with both my boys. So I know how bad you wanted your little girl. And the feelings you are having are natural. You are sleep deprived, and taking care of a baby 24/7. You may be having some post partum. And a lot of women go threw this. As far as husbands....I think we invision our husband coming in, grabbing their bundles of joy, and holding them. I have heard that a lot of men are just not like that, including my husband. They really don't know what to do. And can feel uncomfortable doing it. Sadly a lot of men get more comfortable when the babies get more active...smiling....recognizing people. But you almost need to demand help. You need some time to do things, and he needs that bonding also. Even if he helps a little, every bit helps. And he will get more adjusted to the situation. She can have him wrapped around his fingure. Do you have any other resources of help? Do you have a swing, or play gyms? Those are great to give you a little time. You can also introduce baby Einstien video soon. Feel free to e-mail me ____@____.com Some women getting lucky with husbands that will do equal parts, but not all of us:( It usually gets better.

Holy cow, did I ever feel like that! I know so many other moms who have felt that way, too!

You're normal, you're a good person and you're a good mom -- know why? Because you're concerned about this. A poor reaction would be to say, 'I'm fine, it's the rest of you who are idiots!' You're going to be okay. Talk to your dr about post-partum and let him know the difficulties you're experiencing. S/he should offer you a range of choices plus some support groups. If s/he doesn't, look online. A support group will really help; it gives you that sense that you're not alone and lets you see how others are dealing. Plus, a wise woman once told me that the best way to feel better about your problems is to help with someone else's. It's true.

I had two kids, one tiny, while I was pregnant and my husband went on tour. I had just emigrated to a new country. I had no family support, very few of my own things, no friends and 'everyone talked funny.' (ha!) No sooner did I have that baby than I learned the wonders of percentages again -- birth control failed, kid 4 was en route. Thrilling, joyous and utterly overwhelming. And guess who was on tour for most of that pregnancy, too.

The good news is that our family dr let me actually assist in my Beloved's vasectomy! Held the clamps myself, I did! He did it for free, God bless him. And I grinned all the way home!

It was a long haul, that time in my life. But you know what? I made it. I did it. And when I go places adults pull me aside to tell me what remarkable children I have, to compliment their manners and their behaviour. I always joke that they're 'for sale, CHEAP!' but we all know I wouldn't trade them for a stack of palaces. No way, Jose. And day by day, we still make it -- through grieving and laughter and late paychecks and rationing milk -- I gotta say I've got a heckuva a team with me.

It'll look this way to you, too, just think! Imagine yourself looking back on these moments 10 years from now. Imagine how you'll feel when she's too big to have piggy-backs, much less sleep in the crook of your arm. Treasure moments as if they were memories -- that was one trick I used.

The other trick was to tell me self -- resolutely -- that I would just get through 5 more minutes and then I'd lose it and fall down in a heap sobbing. But not for 5 minutes -- and I'd get my hands busy busy with dishes or folding or weeding-- until 5 minutes were up (and believe me, I knew every second that ticked past). Then I'd say out loud, 'Oh what the heck, I'll crumple in 5 more minutes...' even though I thought I'd die getting the words out -- and I'd start all over. I got through whole weeks like that, I kid you not. But I got through. We all did. And we're happy.

Take LOTS of photos, too -- and put them on your computer as a screen saver so you have a constant montage of happy moments. That one saved me many times.

You are loved, you can survive, and your husband will probably 'get it' soon. But don't wait for him to help you survive. It's in you -- you know it is -- just dig deep and do it. Get a support group behind you -- or START YOUR OWN!

God bless you, you Miracle Mom, you! You can do this hour, take the next one when it comes!!! xxxooo

N.,
It sounds like you are experiencing adjustment to having a new baby. It is typical for a husband not to help a lot with the baby. Try finding things your husband can do that will allow him to help you and suggest them to him. Our husbands don't know our needs unless we tell them. The other thing is to hold on to your marriage. Don't listen to the lie that you are going in different directions. It is better to have a wonderful husband who isn't too into the baby than being a single parent raising your daughter on your own.
It may help to find other moms who you can confide in and discuss being a mom. Take encouragement that the depression will typically not last. You might want to consider staying home with your daughter also so you don't feel overwhelmed with all that needs to get done. Just pray about it and God will lead you in the right direction.
M. T.

Dear N.,

Well, your husband is missing you and your time together. Some husbands like to help with the baby, and some do not. Just do the best you can, and don't try to be perfect. That takes a lot of energy that you can use in better ways.

My husband had four daughters in another 'life' and he mentions once in a while how hard it was to give up precious time with your wife when a baby moves into the picture. So give him extra loving and time. He will eventually come out of it, but you can't let your good homelife get away for this reason, for sure. The baby will eventually get to an age or stage in life that your husband can relate to. Be patient with yourself and with him. Let the dust bunnies grow.

Sincerely, C. N.