Dealing with Another Mom That Has Decided I'm Horrible

M. - I disagree with the first two moms as far as being rude back or actively ending your relationship. I think that we always need to conduct ourselves in a caring and compassionate way. We don't let other people change the way we behave, or change our personality, because of their actions.

You have done the right thing by trying to apologize, and now the ball is in her court. She can continue to ignore you and be rude to you, but you can continue to give her no reason for her behavior. (Believe me, everyone will notice that - especially if they've had a "run in" with her before.)

You don't have to try to foster a continuing friendship, but any time you come into contact just be yourself - kind and caring. The point isn't to win her back in the end, only to remain a loving person, even to those who aren't loving to you. And as a side benefit, this is a great example for your daughter as well as anyone else who happens to notice, not that it matters, because you're doing this for yourself, not as a show for others. But don't stoop to her level of behavior.

Awe you sound like me ... I hate confrontation and it drive me nuts when someone is mad at me. I have finally learned that you have to just let it go. Don't give it anymore power. You did nothing wrong. Don't be dramatic about it like her .... Just hold your up high ... Be positive ..and act the way you did before you met her . Don't apologize anymore for something that is clearly her problem. I would try to keep your daughter out of it .... Not sure how much she knows but would emcourage her to always treat her friend kind ... It doesn't take kids long to figure out and see there parents actions. If she sees that you apologized and you are always kind she will know you did whet you could and it's the other mother who is put the breaks on her friendship with her friend.
If an occasion come up where you need to invite the daughter to something ... IE: bday party .., invite as normal and don't let it affect you one way or the other .... That is my advice. You sound like a good person. Your daughter will see all of this. Btw ... If you don't mind me asking ..,, what did you say on her FB wall ....;-)

Wow, I am so sorry for all you have been through. I have had similar experiences as the director of a school. She sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder. My advice:

Don't tell the teacher; you're right, she shouldn't have to deal with petty parental dynamics
Step back and put an end to the relationship
If your child wants contact with her friend, this woman's daughter, that is one thing that you can casually help, otherwise, don't deal with her and don't reinforce any more contact. You've apologized and done all you can. There are always going to be people like her in the world. Let go of her negativity. She is an energy drain on your life. Avoid going to things where she is around, to a point. You shouldn't have to change your whole life around because of this one relationship gone south. Chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. I know, hard to do, but better for your mental health.

Sadly, I know how you feel.

I had what I thought was a very close friend that I was planning on going out of state to visit. We had a disagreement about a week before my mom, kids and I were supposed to leave.

When I called said friend to discuss the issue, she hung up on me and began posting rude general statements about me and my family, which was then echoed by her teenaged children and left "unchecked". We decided at that point to not go. The day after our supposed departure date, we got a serious health diagnosis for our daughter (a rare form of cardiomyopathy) and all was forgotten on my part... but the public war was still waging on her end. We were definitely not going and it didn't matter why at that point. She "apologized" by instructing me on forgiveness according to my faith, not hers, several times and I said I was sorry for stuff that I didn't think I should have to be sorry for, but was because of the way she said it made her feel. Eventually, I just wrote to her and said that I didn't know how to get past the harassment and public display of disdain.

I then received a nasty letter from her calling me names, claiming that she had apologized (nowhere in her correspondence with me up to this point contained the words "I'm sorry", but rather quotes of scriptures instructing me on forgiveness) and outlining everything she hated about me and thought made me less of a person than she is... things that I had confided in her beforehand and she had kept in confidence and supported me in until now... things like struggles with the schools, how we handle our kids' discipline, minor marital discourse, the one time that I forgot to pay a bill and my mom helped me out and I paid her back, even the fact that I was refusing to take my daughter far from her doctors because of this new cardiac diagnosis that we knew very little about. I now know exactly what she thinks of me, my husband, my children and even my mother... none of it's pretty.

The sad part is that I keep trying to look past all of that and still have some semblance of a relationship with her because she is married to my brother. It's very hard to be friendly with someone who I know thinks so little of me. I feel like she lied about who she was and used everything that I had shared with her about myself as a weapon to hurt not only me, but also my children... to whom she made personal attacks on in that letter.

My advice to you is to work to rise above the garbage, show her common courtesies, and respect the fact that she doesn't want her daughter to be friends with yours because of your falling out. Explain to your daughter that it's not her fault and you don't think it's fair, either, that she has to be punished for something that should have been handled differently.

If this other woman has an issue sharing room mom responsibilities with you, she needs to be the one to complain to the teacher and request a schedule change or withdraw completely. Ending the friendship and having bitter feelings has been her decision.

Finally, let it go. Just let it and her go. You can be neighbors with someone and not be their friend.

Eventually, someday, she will start talking to you as if nothing ever happened... that's what my sister-in-law did. Maybe just giving her time will allow her to come to her senses. There's nothing to say that when she starts talking to you, you then have to become her best friend.

Not everyone is going to like you and to lose a friend over a minor difference of opinion tells me that she really didn't consider you that close of a friend in the first place. You're allowed to decide to keep her at arms length if she wants to come back into your life... or even further if that's what you want.

M.,

You are a better person than I am. If this woman were to treat me this way I would become just as snide and rude as she is.

There's a country song, I don't remember the title or the artist but the line I remember is this: You do your thing and I'll do mine. I'd suggest you just keep being you doing your thing and when this other mom pulls her head out of her fifth point of contact and comes to her senses the reevaluate if you really want a relationship with a woman that does not appear to know how to handle things in a mature fashion.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi M.,

What does your gut tell you? It sounds like you have done all you can. The only thing I would suggest that you didn't mention is prayer. I don't know how you feel about that, but it definitely works. I cna relate to this situation on a very personal level. It sounds like your daughter is old enough to understand that there are seasons in friendship. Most friendships do not last a lifetime. Eventhough your daughter is young, be honest and tell her what happened. I bet she will understand that you have tried to make peace. If worse comes to worse, just be cordial with ther person. Your kindness as it continues may eventually wear her down. If not, then something else will work out. But, one way or another, just let go. There is true freedom in surrender.

Blessings,

K.S.

You've had some super advice, M.. Sounds to me like you've been adult, friendly, conciliatory, and quite reasonable. Good for you. I wouldn't keep trying to win forgiveness, though. You have already apologized. Double good for you – that's not an easy thing to do. Just keep an open hand and try to stay conscious of small ways to show you hold no ill will toward this woman.

There is really nothing you can do to change another person, or convince them to forgive you. Just be in charge of your own forgiveness, which you may have to practice from time to time with this kind of person (and yes, she could be a little crazy, which in my book, only calls for more patience on my part). You are setting a great example for your daughter. Probably can't ask for more than that.

If the other woman wants your classroom arrangements to change, she should be the one to ask the teacher. You're wise not to get hooked into that little twist.

I wouldn't try to discourage your daughter's friendship, but do explain as gently as possible that her mother is unhappy with you, and that could affect the friendship from the other end. I do hope these little girls don't get hurt.

Don't put anymore energy into this problem. Explain to your daughter what has happened in very simple terms. Tell her the other mother is pulling her best friend away from her. Let your daughter know it is not her fault the friendship is ending.
Then just show up at school as you have and focus on your participation at school. Ignore the other room mother who is so vindictive. That's her problem that she is so judgmental and unforgiving.

1st of all, don't get in the middle of your daughter's relationships. Her friends are her friends, not your's. These kids will find a way to make things work for them, so stay out of it. They may not be able to have sleep overs, and your daughter may not get invited to her friend's birthday party, and her friend may not be able to attend her's... but friendships are more than sleep overs and parties. So don't get involved.

2nd.. It sounds as though this lady's world is crumbling around here. If her husband lost his job, and her son has health issues that could move an employer to terminate her husband's employment to lessen their healthcare costs... this lady has a very full, very stressful plate. Lashing out maybe the only way she can exert some control over her life. Obviously you criticized her some how, some way on Face Book. Such is the caustic world of Face Book. DO NOT ever post anything on Face Book that you wouldn't be willing to put on the front page of your town's newspaper, it's like waking up and reading what you had to say on the front page of the Seattle Times. She may have gotten feedback from others as a result of your comment and it's not fun at all. Her personal business is her business, not the world's. Seems like there's an awful lot of talk about her family but not much help given in a way that she can accept or use it.

3) Give her time. Don't bug her. Let it rest. Let her work it out. You seem to be more interested in being friends with her than she is with you. Friends are things you collect. Nor is it necessary that you be best buds with the moms of your daughter's friends. As a matter of fact, the daughters would probably apreciate it if their Moms weren't friends, because their activities, their arguments, they become your activities and arguments; and now your's are their's. Keep things separate.

4) As room mothers, you have jobs to do. Get it done. Call and plan or have the teacher give you each a to do list if you can't work it out. Teachers and students now days do most of the planning and room moms just get a supplies list. Build a bridge and get over it. Don't re-visit things. You can't put the toothpaste back in the tube. The harder you try, the messier it gets.

Enjoy your daughter and the things she shares with you.

Now I am not a professional when it comes to behaviors in people, but it has been my experience that people who behave like this other mom you are talking about tend to have major insecurities they are trying to deal with so they lash out at others in an attempt to hide those insecurities. They try to make other people look bad so that they look good. My suggestion is to move on and not address the issue further. As the old saying goes, misery loves company and it seems with all the effort you have put into acknowledging the issue, it is feeding into her misery. Be pleasent and keep contact to a minimum when possible. By doing so it could prevent her from further baiting you.

It sounds like you have done everything you can to act with responsiblity and class. You have also received some great advice from the other moms already...

I will say, it does sound like she may be dealing with some type of personality disorder--even if in a mild manner. As a teacher who works with 150+ kids a day, and deals with their parents, the last thing your daughters' classroom teacher needs is parent drama!

Perhaps in this woman's mind, having this kind of drama where she gets herself all worked up and angry at others because of how "horrible" they are (in her mind), is a type of CONTROL issue. She can control you if she's holding her displeasure over you and you CARE. If you kindly back away and let her know that you have done what you could but you don't see any resolution in sight so you are dropping the issue-- you might be surprised at her turn around.

As for your girl staying friends with hers. I'm kind of on the fence about this. Part of me says, continue to let them have their OWN relationship... but the Mama Bear in me sees the red flags that this woman might take her frustration with you (real or perceived) out on your daughter by way of passive aggressiveness and other emotionally unstable ways through her own daughter.

It is hard to be a pleaser and know someone is displeased with us, isn't it? It can be really hard to throw in the towel (so to speak), but that might be what works here.

Best wishes!

Come on M., you know you can't make her like you ^j^ You've apologized numerous times and she doesn't want to forgive you, let it go and move on.

The internet is awesome. However, what I say to 2 friends at a dinner may not be what I want all my "friends" on Facebook to know. You've learned a tough lesson in a very public way.

"I've been nothing but nice to her & her family". Is that affecting why you can't get past her inability to forgive you?

I wouldn't go so far as to say she's mental, she has her own set of social skills that don't mesh with yours, that's life.

She's steering her daughter away from yours? Not much you can do about it. Carry on as though nothing has happened between the two of you. If the time comes that your daughter ask about why she isn't seeing her best friend as much, tell her friendships change. At 6 years old, it will happen a lot.

Many blessings,
E.

I wish you had written exactly what you wrote on facebook. Sometimes you can say something ugly and you don't think anything about it. Sometimes people just read what they want into things others write.
Since you didn't say what it was and if this is how she is acting after you have been nice and appologetic, you obviously have done all you can do. Do you feel guilty about anything? If so, maybe there is something that you haven't done that you need to do. If you don't feel guilty about anything then your heart is free and if she choses to be that way then there is nothing that you can do. I would let it go. Stay clear of her. Don't eye contact but don't run from her. Just do what you normally would do. Don't steer your daughter away from her daughter. Let them be best friends as long as they can and want to be. Don't ever say anything bad about that woman to your daughter or even let her know anything ever happened. If by chance you daughter comes home and says her mom said this or that about you and doesn't want to be her friend then you have to sit with your little girl and sooth her hurt and explain to her that sometimes adults have problems just like kids do and she will work it out and tell you NOT to be ugly and both of you just give those people time and hopefully they will come around. Sounds like the woman is one of those kinds that hold a grudge and if that is the case, you can't change her personality. So let it be. Go your own way, do your own thing and never let her see you sweat. You need to send her the word (by your actions) that you are a normal person, doing your normal thing, you aren't mad but you aren't gonna chase her either. And pray that the other woman won't get in the way of her little girls friendship with your daughter. That is the hard part. Then you have to deal with your daughters broken heart and having her feelings hurt which will break your heart.
I hope it all works out for you.

I'm so sorry, for not only you, but the girls. This is one of those situations where sometimes, it's best left alone. You might just have to distance yourself and allow the other person to vent. I've been through this before and it's hard. You want to keep sticking up for yourself through the endless barrage of disrespectful slurs and insults, but at the same time, you want to try and find a way to keep the peace. It's like a child throwing a tantrum...they reach a point in their tantrum where they just lose it...and no matter what you say or do, it's a total meltdown. They don't hear anything you say and just cry, scream, and say things they don't understand themselves. This woman...from what you are saying, sounds like she's having a tantrum meltdown. That's why I say best to leave it be. Because if you've tried all you can to keep the peace and it nothing has dented her misguided feelings by now, then just keeping your distance might be the best recourse. Good luck! *hug*

M. I totall feel your pain! last May I had a similar incident where a parent completely overreacted to something completely minor and has smeered my name whenever possible1 bad part is I live in a community of 650 people, so everyone knwo and is in everyone else's business. I reached out in every way possible eventually writting her a letter saying that I do not feel what I did was wrong but if she did I am sorry and I hope we can do as Christ asks us and forgive each other. I seeked Christ's forgiveness and feel much better. I have given her time and space, and things seem to be getting somewhat better. We have ran into each other a few times and she at least will say hi and hold a civil conversation if other people are around. Saddest part was I watched her kids for 2 hours a day and my kids totally miss them, SO SAD!! She also has done this to several different people, seems like she has a really good new friend every year or two and then gets mad at them, craziness!

So long story short; I say you should give her time to cool off and in due time she will hopefully calm down and come around to her senses. You can only do so much and then it is in her hands! I know it is hard on your daughter, my kids were distraught, but time can help to heal the pain and her anger towards you! Good Luck and God Bless!

Forgive her but go on with your life without her. You can only choose how you will behave and react but cannot choose for the other mother. Just tell her that "we need to agree to disagree" then go on from there with your other friends and know that she is forgiven in your eyes but that does not mean you have to stay friends with this mother until/unless she starts treating you with respect no matter what her or your opinions. Unfortunately your daughter and her daughter are caught in the middle. Explain to your daughter as best you can and that unless and until her mother "agrees to disagree" and stay friends there is nothing you can do. Each individual is responsible for only their reactions.

N.

DRAMA. You will have enough of this as your girls grow up. You don't need it in a friendship too. This woman sounds like a victim in all of the situations you discribed. This is not the type of unhealthy relationship anyone needs to deal with. I would recommend you make no other attempts to patch the relationship and move on. Arrange some play dates with other kids in your younger daughter's class.
I wouldn't respond to any remarks she makes about you. I am sure other people will see her for who she is and know that they can't believe what comes out of her mouth.
Good luck!

It's hard to respond without knowing more specifically what was said, but my first inclination is to say that this is absolutely NOT your problem. From the way you've described her, it sounds as though she may be one of those people that goes out of her way to find things to complain about. As another mother said - be polite for your children's sake, but I wouldn't waste any more time trying to "patch things up" with this woman. Some people simply aren't worth it. No matter how upset I am with something someone has done/said to me, I always respond graciously to an apology. This woman is clearly devoid of any semblance of social grace. Move on.

Be poilte for the sake of your daughters. If you have sincerely apologized, and she chooses to ignore that, then there is nothing you can do other than to continue to be polite. She will either move past it or she won't. I would just delete her emails, or you can phone her directly if you receive another rude email, but DO NOT respond to her rudeness via email. Sounds to me like ahe is very immature. Friendships at this age are typically fleeting, and if you can continue to be polite you will end up being the bigger person.

And please learn this lesson about Facebook conflicts. It pays huge dividends to not have disagreements where the entire world can see. :)